Chapter 20
Aria
My hand stays wrapped in his as we make our way down to the street, and it’s still there when we arrive at the burger place. I try to pull away when we get in line, but he just holds me tighter.
We didn’t say much on our walk to the restaurant—aside from him asking me how work was today—and I was fine with that, because the silence before and after the small talk felt normal and comfortable, like we’ve known each other our whole lives.
“You can make her food and mine for here and the other burger to go,” Elliot tells the cashier. He eventually lets go of my hand to pull out his wallet from his back pocket.
I should feel ashamed I didn’t even think about grabbing my purse when we left the apartment, but I don’t. It was his idea to come for burgers. I just came for the ride. I should offer, though.
“I’ll pay you for my portion when we get back to your place,” I extend when the cashier hands him the receipt and we move toward the tables.
Elliot gives me a confused look. “Why would you do that?”
I raise an eyebrow. “Because you just paid for my food, and that’s what people do.”
He throws me a shrug. “I don’t need your money. Hell, I should be giving you money for the mango and whatever else you bought.”
“And why would you do that?” I throw his question back to him.
Another shrug. “You ate it at my place, fed me and my brother. That means you should be reimbursed.”
He’s actually serious.
“I don’t need you to reimburse me for mangos.”
“And I don’t need you to reimburse me for a double cheeseburger, with extra pickers and grilled onions if they have it.”
Having him repeat my order back to me brings a memory front and center.
A memory from two years ago…
It was a random Tuesday, and I had the day off, so I decided since I hadn’t seen Jack in about two weeks, I would ask if he wanted to meet me for lunch. It wouldn’t be anything special, probably no coming back to my apartment after, but I still wanted to see him.
I had sent him a quick text in the morning, and he quickly said yes. Since time was limited, he suggested a fast food place a few blocks from his work. I was fine with whatever he wanted. I just wanted to see him, and if I got fries out of it, that was all that mattered.
I had gotten there before he did, and right away, I went to find an open table. It was lunch time, and given all the people who were already there, the place was going to get packed.
Jack arrived fifteen minutes after I did and beelined toward me.
“You didn’t order our food?” he asked, looking down at the table in front of me, no other greeting whatsoever.
“Oh.” I should have done that. “I’m sorry. I thought it was better to wait until you got here.”
He gave me an eye roll, and I was about two seconds from getting up and leaving when he let out a sigh. “Sorry. It’s been a rough morning.” He gave me a small smile, as if to make up for it. “I’ll go order.”
My mouth opened to tell him what I want, but he already walked away. We’d been at this for almost a year; there was no way he didn’t know my burger order by now.
Unfortunately, when he returned with a tray of food, I was deeply disappointed.
That disappointment grew when a salad was placed in front of me.
“No burger for me?” I asked, feeling anger and disappointment starting to roll through me.
Jack let out a snort. “You never order a burger.” He shook his head and picked up his burger. “Eat. I don’t have a whole lot of time.”
I should have walked out right there and then, but I was blindsided by who he was, the promises he made.
How could someone I spent almost than two years with not know what I liked to eat?
Yet, here is Elliot, someone who hasn’t even known me a whole week, who heard my order once, and has already mesmerized it.
I should take that as a sign Jack was never supposed to be my knight in shining armor. He was just one red flag after another.
Something lands against my upper arm, taking my mind out of all the red flags Jack presented me with and back to the now.
Elliot’s blue eyes look down at me with a tinge of worry and curiosity. I so desperately want to get lost in them, but I know I really shouldn’t.
“Where you did you go?” he asks, his hand still very much touching my skin.
I shake my head slightly before I respond. “Somewhere I shouldn’t be,” I say before I catch myself. I see a look in Elliot’s eyes, like he wants to ask, but I stop him. “Let’s go find a table, since you said we are eating here.”
“I figure this would be the closest thing I would get to a date with you, so I took advantage.”
I try to ignore what he said and make my way to a table in the back corner. He’s a few feet behind me, but it feels as if his breath is right on my neck.
When I sit down, I realize I made a mistake choosing this table. Now, I have to look at this gorgeous man straight on. He knows it too, because he throws me a wink with a smile.
“This isn’t a date,” I say, though my heart really wants it to be one.
His smile doesn’t go anywhere, but he does give me a nod. “This isn’t a date.”
“You want to make it one, though,” I say, my shoulders falling a bit.
Elliot sighs. “I want a lot of things,” he says, and something about his words tells me he isn’t only talking about us. “But if going on a date isn’t something you’re interested in, I’m not going to force it on you.”
My mouth speaks before I have a chance to think. “It’s not that I’m not interested.” I close my eyes for a quick second, kicking myself for letting the words out, and as much as I want to take them back, I can’t. So, I say the last few words my mind wants to let out. “It’s the opposite, actually.”
“The opposite?” I nod. “Care to explain? If it’s really the fraternization thing, I can wait until my brother is out of your care.”
I start picking at my cuticles. “It’s not the fraternization thing. I mean, it is partly,” I quickly backtrack. I really don’t mess with my patients’ families. “But that’s not the entire reason.”
He gives me a look that has me wanting to reveal every single one of my secrets so I will never see that look ever again.
“Would it be too much if I ask what the entire reason is?”
At his question, another memory floods back, this time from when Jack and I were just starting out.
We were having a similar conversation. The difference between then and now is that if I tell Elliot I don’t want him to pursue me, he will actually listen.
Jack…well, Jack was persistent. So persistent that he didn’t give up until he got so deep under my skin, I couldn’t say no.
I shake my head at Elliot. “No. It wouldn’t be too much.”
He doesn’t respond; he just sits across from me, waiting for me to speak. He’s telling me he’s all ears, that he will listen to everything I have to say. Another major difference between him and Jack.
I need to stop comparing the two before I go crazy.
I take a deep breath. “I’ve never been a relationship type of person. Not that I don’t date, but outside of one relationship, being in one never grasped at me like it does others.”
“You’re using past tense words.”
That I am. “A few months after Vegas, I went through something traumatic.” Memories of being tied to a bed and Serena finding me covered in blood appear in my thoughts, but I push them aside.
If I think about them now, I will cry. “Really traumatic.” My voice is nearly a whisper, and I have to clear my throat to get away from that night.
“Do you truly want to talk about it?” He places his hand over mine, stopping me from making my cuticles bleed.
In all honesty, I do want to talk about it, but I don’t know how much Elliot he knows about certain things.
Like the fact the guy he went to High school with helps run a cartel.
I know they are friends, but that could just be surface level.
There’s no chance in hell he knows anything about the Muertos.
Hell I don’t even know if he knows Leo. It’s best not to say anything.
“No.” I say, almost stopping completely.
“There was this guy I had met a few months before, one determined to take me out to dinner, but I always turned him down. Anyway, after what happened, I didn’t want to be alone.
I hated going home to an empty apartment, so I accepted his advances, and we ended up putting labels on it.
It was good for a while—at least, I thought it was—and then it wasn’t.
” Everything from my last year in Austin tries to crash through me, but I keep everything at bay.
“After that ended and I came to Chicago, I told myself I wouldn’t step into another relationship, let alone date, for a long while.
I’m allergic to commitment, I guess you can say. Always have been.”
I would love to blame my parents for all my issues, at the very least my mom and my bio dad, but it doesn’t all fall on them. I never understood the need to always have someone with you or why it seemed that once you stepped into a relationship, you lost your independence.
I didn’t understand it until I was in it with Jack, but I can see now that I hated every moment.
I was blind to it then, but now, I can see everything with a clear eye.
I lost a part of myself when those men knocked on my door and tied me to a bed, but I lost myself fully when I stepped into Jack’s life.
Everything I did and said was for him and him alone. It was toxic in the worst way.
So much so that Serena, the person who has been with me since college, doesn’t know a single thing that has happened in last two and a half years. Everything has always and will always be a secret.
Elliot opens his mouth to say something, but he stops when a waitress comes by with our food. I half-forgot we had a little number at the edge of our table until she appeared out of nowhere.