Chapter 10
CHAPTER 10
Poppy
“So you’re gonna go for it, right?”
Poppy looked toward where Billy sat at the table in the cafeteria. He was on his fifteen-minute break and had snuck out to sit with his Little friends when they arrived for lunch from their classrooms. It had been two days since Thanksgiving. Two days since Poppy had gotten lost in the snow, resulting in what had been by far the worst panic attack of her life. And while her bottom was no longer tender, her cheeks—on her face and not her backside—still flushed when she thought back to the punishment and subsequent kiss she shared with her Daddy.
Her friends hadn’t thought it was strange when she confided in them about the steamy kiss she shared with CJ. Where Poppy was worried that they might have thought it was silly that she was suddenly experiencing an attraction to a woman for the first time at twenty-seven, she was instead met with nothing but kindness and understanding. Poppy had known there were many ways people showed love and that loving someone of the same gender was just as natural as loving someone of the opposite sex like she thought she had in the past. Yet hearing that her friends understood and accepted her as well, made her feel a little more at ease over her rapidly changing feelings for the woman she had known for just a few short days.
But still, even after she told CJ that she was confident she wanted to try a dynamic that wasn’t strictly platonic, Poppy was nervous. Thankfully, CJ had been patient with this change, as she had been with every other challenge Poppy had thrown her Daddy’s way.
“She’s leaving Rawhide Ranch in a little more than a week. And I already like her soooo much,” Poppy whined. Her chest felt tight and she wanted to run, but her spot on the far side of the table made it nearly impossible to leave until those around her did so first. She’d taken the seat on purpose, trying to gradually push herself out of her comfort zone by putting herself in a place she couldn’t easily escape. But now that she was here and forced to face her fears, Poppy wished she would have stayed with her usual spot at the end of a table where she could have left without being blocked by several other people.
Finally, realizing she hadn’t finished her train of thought, Poppy continued, “I want to give CJ so much more than I already have, but I’m worried what it will do to my heart when she leaves.”
From around the table, several pairs of eyes looked at her with sympathy. “I think the only thing you really can do is to talk to her,” a newer Little to the Ranch, Mindy, said. “I know it’s hard to have the scary conversations, but sometimes, we have to have those conversations to save our hearts from getting hurt in the long run.”
It was solid advice Poppy thought she should heed.
Picking up her fork, Poppy shoveled a mouthful of creamy mac and cheese into her mouth before following it up with a big gulp of milk. “She hasn’t even kissed me since that night. Not even after I told her I was sure I wanted her in that way.”
Billy pushed up from his side of the table, his break time nearing an end. “Have you ever thought that maybe your Daddy is just as afraid as you are? That maybe she is having the same thought you’re having, just in a different way? Talk to her, Poppy. The worst thing that can happen is that you find out you’re not on the same page. Isn’t it better to find out now before you let your heart get even more involved?”
Sometimes, Poppy thought it was obnoxious that her newfound group of friends were as intelligent as they were. In the past, it would have bothered her, made her feel like she was worthy of less than the rest of the group. But thanks to the help of her daily affirmations, she was beginning to accept that people had different strengths. And that while hers might not have been in having the hard conversations face-to-face, she did wonderfully when it came to other things like helping others and written communication. “I know, you’re right.”
With an adorable wink, Billy walked back behind the counter of the cafeteria like the sage Little he was. “I know. I always am!”
Poppy had expected the day to drag on. She was pleasantly surprised when the bell to her last class rang, signaling the end of another day in the Littles’ Wing. Running to CJ who waited for her at the end of the hall, Poppy quickly changed her pace to a walk when a nearby teacher sternly reminded her of the policy to walk like a proper Little girl when in the Littles’ Wing of the Ranch.
She looped her arms around her Daddy’s neck, snuggling in close to the familiar scent of the person she had come to cherish most in the entire world.
“Hey there, kitten. How was school today?” CJ’s voice was like hot tea on a cold day. Soothing and warm, comforting and comfortable.
Together, they talked about their day as they walked hand and hand, sharing stories about classes they had taken and people they had spent time with.
And as the floor beneath their feet changed from the stark, white tile of the Littles’ Wing back to the rich, warm wood of the resort, Poppy felt the anxiety of her decision to talk to her Daddy begin to skyrocket. “I actually do have something that I’d really like to talk to you about...”
CJ
CJ replied with a soft chuckle. “I can always tell when you’re feeling anxious about something by the sweet way you trail off at the end of your sentences like that. You know you have nothing to worry about, sweetheart. Would you like to go somewhere nice and quiet and talk to me in a more private setting?”
With a nod and a quietly spoken yes , Poppy and CJ walked until they found themselves in front of the large all-season greenhouse that was a recent addition to the grounds of the Ranch. The oversized structure was open for guests to visit and was a source of the delicious leafy greens, numerous other vegetables, fruits, and a plentiful amount of herbs that were served throughout the Ranch. Several classes were in the works for guests and residents to learn about creating their own potted gardens and gardening with limited space, as well as botany and flower arranging. While the greenhouse was generally a quiet location, mainly visited by staff working the various kitchens, it was nearly deserted now in late November despite its perfectly temperature-controlled environment and flourishing plants that spread around the room as if spilled from the pages of a fancy gardening magazine.
Several seating areas had been carved out among the crops that grew in a variety of stages of maturation. And when the women took a seat next to one another on a wrought-iron bench, CJ swore she could smell not only Poppy’s powder-fresh scent that she had come to love, but the late-spring smell of tomatoes ripening on the vine that had no worldly reason to be in the late-November air of any place within the state lines of a cold, blustery Montana.
“What do I always tell you, Poppy?” CJ asked seriously.
Tangling her fingers in her lap, Poppy tried yet failed to meet her Daddy’s eyes with her own. “That I have nothing to be afraid of when it comes to talking with you.”
CJ steadied Poppy’s fingers, seeing the fidgeting for the nervous tic it was. And while she was normally happy to let Poppy fidget—finding it quite adorable and knowing it helped to calm her Little’s nerves—she knew that sometimes, it was also necessary to experience all the emotions, no matter how uncomfortable they made someone feel. “And that’s the God’s honest truth, sweetheart. So what do you say? Tell me what’s on your mind?”
With fingers that were only steady thanks to the woman next to her holding them still, Poppy shut her eyes tight, most likely thinking that maybe if she squeezed them hard enough, the entire moment would simply cease to exist and the embarrassment she seemed to be feeling would disappear.
Her Little had told her that she’d been afraid many times in her life. But CJ truly hoped Poppy wouldn’t be afraid to voice whatever she had to say to her Daddy.
Finally, just as CJ was beginning to think Poppy wouldn’t speak, her Little girl found some of the strength that, as her Daddy, CJ had worked to give her.
Poppy let out a long breath before admitting, “I’m afraid.”
Poppy’s voice was so quiet that CJ nearly missed it over the sounds working around them that sustained life in the greenhouse. Hoses trickled and fans blew warm air. Somewhere in the large building, a fountain played a gentle tune as it cascaded down stone into a koi pond below.
It was Poppy and CJ in the space, the only two souls in sight.
“Are you… afraid of me?” Even to her own ears, CJ’s voice sounded pained, as if a rusty nail had sprung up through the sole of her favorite sneakers.
Evidently, the sound was all Poppy needed to hear to instantly raise her head. “Oh my god, no!” She shook her head almost violently, the pigtails her Daddy had put in her hair that morning bouncing back and forth as she did. “I’m not afraid of you, CJ.”
CJ.
Not Daddy.
For the first time, her name on Poppy’s tongue sounded foreign and CJ hated it. There was no trace of her Little girl in that moment. Poppy was all woman despite the pigtails. Despite the sweet pink leggings and matching top with sparkly text that spelled out Daddy’s Girl.
No, CJ told herself. She would not cry right now. She would not show anything other than love and acceptance to this gentle, sweet woman in front of her who she was sure was about to cut their time short before CJ had a chance to do all the things she wanted to do with Poppy. Before she had the chance to properly kiss Poppy. To taste her. To show her what it felt like to be cherished for the beautiful woman she was.
Finally, after schooling her features and taking several large, centering breaths, she responded. “Then what are you afraid of?”
Poppy stood, pacing back and forth in front of the bench before words exploded from her body like a dam that had finally burst under too much pressure from the other side. “I. I… I’m afraid of what happens when you leave, damnit!”
Though CJ had told herself she wouldn’t cry, Poppy’s overactive tear ducts evidently hadn’t received the same memo from Poppy. Her chest heaved as the tears started then continued to fall. “I’m afraid that when you leave, I’m never going to see you again! I’m afraid because in such a short time, you’ve somehow managed to capture this enormous part of my heart that I don’t think I ever truly gave to anyone before now, and now I’m going to be forced to give that up because you live across the country. I’m afraid that you’re going to leave the Ranch and everything I’ve learned about helping myself to do better is going to disappear from my head.”
Her voice was getting louder as she talked, the emotions she had been keeping bottled up for too long exploding from somewhere deep within. It was still about Poppy and CJ, but in that moment, CJ understood it was also about so much more. It was every person who ever made Poppy feel like she was somehow damaged. Every person who used her because of her overwhelming generosity. It was every single ounce of pain that had piled up on her since the day she left her home and came to Rawhide Ranch. “And I don’t want to go back to doing it all on my own, CJ. I can’t go back to doing it all on my own. I’m a mess, I’m still such a fucking mess. But I’m less messy with you and it’s a feeling I’ve needed. I think I’ve searched my entire life to find it and I’m terrified to let it go.”
CJ stood to wrap her arms around Poppy in a bone-crunching hug before she could say another word. She wanted Poppy to remember her Daddy was warm and strong and she was safe, yet it only made her Little sob harder.
“Poppy, my sweet, beautiful kitten. I’m not going to say that I have all the answers, because I certainly sure as shit don’t. But between the two of us, we can figure them out. I’m not going to force you to make all the scary decisions on your own. But I won’t make you false promises and tell you that it will always be easy either. Together, we’ll figure it out.”
“Okay,” Poppy responded. Though the deep crease from between her brow still hadn’t lessened.
“Something else bothering you?”
A small laugh left Poppy, but there was no mirth in the hollow sound. “How do you always know?”
CJ gave Poppy another squeeze, tickling her sides until she was screeching with laughter. “Because Daddies always know what’s wrong with their Little girls.”
Catching her breath, Poppy wiped a tear from her eye—this time a result of the laughter. Still, it seemed her Daddy was right. She was still worried about one other thing. “Why haven’t you kissed me yet?”
It was the first time Poppy had brought up the kiss since they had their heart-to-heart, agreeing that they both felt something special toward one another. Agreeing that they wanted more .
“I-I guess I expected you to be just as excited as I was. Yet nothing has happened except a simple peck on the cheek and the good night kiss to my forehead you always give me when you tuck me into bed at night.”
CJ saw bright red spots appear on her Little’s face and wondered what Poppy was not willing to share, pretty sure it was something quite personal. She wouldn’t pry, but she did need to know exactly what was bothering her.
“Trust me when I tell you, Poppy, that I have not stopped thinking of kissing you again since the second our lips stopped touching. Fuck, sweetheart, I thought you were stunning the first day I saw you in the lobby. And when you nearly coated me in more lettuce than a manatee eats in a day and I saw the look of pure terror on your face? Don’t even get me started. I wanted to run after you and punish you for leaving, I wanted to tickle you until you were squirming with laughter because I couldn’t stand the look of fear in your eyes. I wanted to push you against a wall, dressing and all, and kiss you absolutely fucking senseless.”
CJ’s hands were in Poppy’s hair as she tilted her Little’s face until their eyes were meeting.
Feeling as cherished as CJ made her feel was something Poppy had admitted she’d never experienced. CJ loved how close they were thanks to their relatively even height. Loved how she could slide her long, slim fingers into Poppy’s hair, tugging gently at her scalp offering her an instant and wonderfully needed massage. How Poppy’s heart beat against CJ’s own chest in a perfect thump … thump … thump that seemed to match time with her own. “The only reason I haven’t kissed you again is because I haven’t wanted to push you too far too fast.”
It was an admission of her own and sounded a bit raw and vulnerable, a pain in her own past allowing her to understand the pain and fear in her Little’s. But it didn’t really bother her, she knew they would share everything in time.
“CJ,” Poppy said, “I want you to push me. I want you to push me in all the ways. I know that I am still discovering who I am as a Little as well as who I am within our dynamic—who I am with you. But I’m yours for as long as you’ll have me. Push me. Please .”
It wasn’t an ask but a simple demand that CJ delightfully obliged.
In a split second, CJ had Poppy’s back against a large column that worked to support the oversized greenhouse. And while it was below freezing outside, there was nothing but heat blazing inside the greenhouse as CJ stared at Poppy for as long as it took her to utter her next two sentences. “It’s Daddy. You don’t call me CJ again until I give you permission. Is that understood?”
Poppy squeaked, nodding frantically.
“Words, kitten. Don’t make me take you over my knee right here in the greenhouse. Just imagine, anyone could walk in at any moment and see you getting punished, your rosy backside on display for their wandering eyes.”
Still nodding, Poppy managed a breathy, “Yes, Daddy.”
And then, CJ’s lips were on hers.
This was nothing like their first kiss.
That had been frantic and sloppy. Unpaced and hurried.
But now, CJ took control from the start. And Poppy molded to her Daddy like she had been custom-designed to perfectly fit between the hard column holding her up and the hard body of her Daddy in front of her.
Poppy whimpered when CJ broke the kiss, already desperate for more.
CJ’s muscular thigh slid between Poppy’s shaky legs. This time, CJ was determined to show Poppy just how wanted she was. “Don’t worry, you needy, little thing. I won’t leave you hanging for long. Let’s go, Daddy’s going to show you just how she takes care of her favorite Little girl.”
Laughter filled the greenhouse as Poppy trailed behind CJ, her mind obviously feeling lighter despite the fact that they really hadn’t managed to solve much of anything. But CJ was honored that her Little trusted her Daddy not to steer her wrong, trusted that CJ would keep her safe, and perhaps most importantly of all, trusted CJ would always keep the promises she made.