18. Declan
DECLAN
Five days until OA Con
Ava didn’t come over after school. Which is fine, it’s not like we said Monday for sure, so much as a vague “this week.” And it’s not like I can’t cut out a bunch of foam pieces by myself.
So long as she’s there on Saturday to check the convention’s boxes, I can manage.
Besides, is it really the week before a convention if you’re not pulling back-to-back all-nighters?
Which reminds me, I’ve still got to weather Jenni’s staff.
And do a final seal coat. And… and I seriously need to get my head on straight, stop thinking about Ava and what she may or may not be doing with Tyler right now.
If I don’t, I’m not going to get anything done.
Right. Time to focus.
But first…
I open our text thread and shoot off a belated response to her joke, just in case she thinks I’m upset about her leaving to hang out with Tyler yesterday, and is therefore avoiding coming over.
Am I upset about it? Yes, obviously, but that’s not something she needs to know.
I watch the screen for an embarrassingly long time before I put myself to work, tracing the patterns onto the foam with a silver Sharpie and cutting them out.
Trace, cut, stack. Trace, cut, stack.
I check my phone again, just in case I’ve accidentally silenced my notifications.
I haven’t.
She’s probably with Tyler. Making plans for their big night.
My hand jerks through the foam, cutting much too far in.
I toss the ruined piece with a growl of frustration and grab a fresh one.
With my luck, she won’t even show up to the workshop on Saturday, and then I’ll really be screwed.
What was I even thinking, counting on Ava for something so important?
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, and I’m the world’s biggest idiot.
Groaning, I boot up my laptop before I sink into a full-on sulk and go onto YouTube.
A quick scroll through my subscriptions reveals a new video from my favorite, Seattle-based prop makers, Cracked Crafts.
I press play and get back to work, Will Foran’s voice filling the background with talk of laser cutting and painting techniques.
I slip into my happy place. Simply crafting.
The first blush of orange and pink sunset is painting the sky when my phone buzzes beside my laptop.
Hiro: Wanna come over for dinner tonight? Mom’s making her famous dumplings, and Dad’s picking up some sushi to go with them.
My mouth waters just thinking about it.
Me: Say less. I’m in.
Hiro: Sweet. Come on over. We eat in thirty.
Me: On my way now.
I fire off a quick text to my parents letting them know I’ll be MIA for dinner, do a super-fast washup in the shop sink, then grab my keys on the way out to my truck.
I’m just settling into the driver’s seat when my gaze happens to stray to the little playground up the street, tucked in the center of the cul-de-sac.
A cherry tree in full bloom is sprinkling little white petals across the grass, casting shade over the three-person swing set.
A cherry tree that someone is attempting to climb.
That person being— “Ava?”
I lean over the steering wheel, peering through the windshield, trying to get a better look at the girl who is either endeavoring to scale the thick, moss-covered beast of a tree, or is in the middle of some kind of koala impression. Yup, definitely Ava.
What the heck?
I’m out of the truck and walking up the street before I know it, curiosity propelling me forward.
When I reach the park’s edge, I spy a second figure hidden amid the white-and-pink flowers—a big orange tabby known throughout the neighborhood as Persnickety.
Mrs. Bingley’s nightmare of an attack cat.
“So, um, whatcha doin’?” I stroll across the short expanse of grass until I’m standing just off to the side of Ava’s koala glomp.
Her long legs are wrapped around the tree’s trunk, hands grasping the base of the branch above.
Her face is scrunched up in terse concentration, but it isn’t until she glances down and gasps that I realize she’s wearing earbuds.
The flash of surprise on her face is followed by an unfortunate loosening of her grip.
I lunge sideways just as she falls backward off the tree, catching her against my chest before the impact sends us both slamming to the ground.
Pain radiates up my elbow, but it’s quickly eclipsed by the weight of Ava’s body lying atop of mine, the top of her head brushing my chin. My arms around her waist. Her backside pressed against places I’m trying really hard not to think about.
Persnickety hissing at Johnny Five.
Grandma’s chin hairs.
Hiro eating the discarded glob of grilled cheese.
Ava rolls off into the grass, and I suck in some much-needed oxygen.
“Oh my gosh, Declan.” She rips out the earbuds and pushes herself up, cheeks flaming pink as she peers down at me.
The edges of her hair glow yellow and orange, the golden wisps burnished by the brilliant rays of the sun setting behind her.
My feeble heart despairs. She is an utterly unattainable goddess.
“Are you okay? You scared the living crap out of me.” She bites her lip, and I melt a little further into the ground. I am no more than fertilizer.
“Sorry.” I sit up, wincing as a smattering of future bruises make themselves known. “I said something while I was walking over, but you must not have heard me over your music.”
She rolls the earbuds around in her hand with a grimace. “K-Pop’s ‘Golden’—not an easy song to hear over.”
“Total banger, though.” I cock my head, studying her face in the fading light.
Where at first I’d only noticed blushing cheeks and blazing hair, now I see red eyes and faint tension lines.
It’s on the tip of my tongue to ask what’s wrong, but I pull back at the last minute, worried she’ll see it as prying.
“What, um, brings you here anyway? Training for some kind of jungle expedition?”
She breathes a soft laugh. “Hardly. I was just heading out for a run, thus the earbuds, when I heard Snicky yowling from his perch. I thought he might be stuck up there and had the brilliant idea of rescuing him. It would seem I overestimated my tree climbing skills… So much for my good deed.”
I look up at the orange blob of fur towering above us and make a face. “The greatest deed would be leaving his fat rump up there. The other neighborhood animals would thank you.”
This earns me a real laugh, and she drops back into the grass, face tilted up toward the sprawling cherry blossoms. “Honestly, you’re probably right. It just felt like he was asking me for help or something, and I thought, a cat stuck in a tree, surely this is something I can handle.”
She lifts her arms above her head, forming a picture frame with her fingers as she stares up at Persnickety’s hunched form. The sheer helplessness reflected in her eyes makes my chest ache. Her lips twist. “How does that famous saying go? The best laid schemes of mice and men often go awry?”
I nod solemnly. “Classic SpongeBob.”
Her hand comes down in a whack to my chest, and I count it as a victory. “More like Burns, although I’m pretty sure his original version was more Scottish-y.”
“Not sure Scottish-y is a word.”
Another slight laugh; another tiny victory. “And I’m not sure you’re helping.”
“Was I supposed to be?” I tease, then softer, more serious, “I would, you know. Help. If it’s something I can help with?”
Ava’s gaze shifts to meet mine, and for a moment it’s like we’re frozen in this timeless bubble where neither past nor future means anything at all.
There is only now, only this. A wayward petal drifts down from above and lands on her cheek.
I pluck it off without breaking my gaze.
When she doesn’t say anything, I whisper, “I’m right here, Ava. You can talk to me.”
She blinks up at me, and my heart squeezes when moisture gathers along her lashes. “You’re too good for me, Dec,” she whispers, a single tear breaking free and slipping down the side of her face. “I don’t deserve it. Not after leaving you like I did.”
How many times did I tell myself that same exact thing over the years? And yet I’d give anything right now to remove the pain from her expression. “That was years ago. Water under the bridge.”
She shakes her head. “It’s not, though. I hurt you. You were my best friend, and I shut you out like you didn’t matter. Like it didn’t kill me to give you up.” Her eyes squeeze shut. “I’m sorry, Dec. I’m so sorry. If there’d been any other way…”
And now my eyes are burning, the memory of that night playing on loop all around us.
It was right here, in this very park, only I’d been sitting motionless on the swing, and Ava had been standing in front of me, pale and wraith-like in the streetlight.
Voice cold as death. We can’t be friends anymore.
The first drop of rain struck my face as she turned and walked away.
I didn’t move from the swing until my mom came out looking for me, flashlight and umbrella in tow. I was soaked to the bone. It was weeks before I felt warm again.
“Why did you do it?” Ava’s eyes open, and I swallow as I investigate their shimmering depths. “I mean, I know it had to do with your dad leaving, and I get why you’d want to distance yourself from things that reminded you of him, but to just end things so completely like that…”
We lived down the street from each other. Went to the same school, were in the same grade. The lengths she must have gone through to avoid me were mind-boggling. For five freaking years.
Surely there was more to it.
“I didn’t know what else to do.”
She says it so quietly, I almost miss it. My brow furrows. “What do you mean?”
She rolls onto her side, facing away from me in the growing darkness.
The street lights flicker to life, but their harsh, white glow fails to fully reach us.
“When Dad came home from Phoenix Con that year and told us he was moving across the country to be with his ‘soulmate,’ it was bad. Mom hadn’t seen it coming.
Like, at all. She was furious. Yelling, screaming, throwing clothes, smashing wedding crystal. It was like living in a war zone.”
I grimace just thinking about it. “That sounds awful.”
She pulls her legs into her chest, and I scoot closer when she shivers. The urge to wrap my arms around her is strong, but I hold back, uncertain as to how she’d react. My gut tells me she needs to get this out, and I’m afraid if I so much as breathe too loud, she might shut down and leave. Again.
“It was,” she whispers. “But at least I could understand it. Anger I could deal with. I was angry too. But then he was gone, and it was like he took some vital piece of her with him. She would just stop functioning for long periods of time. She wouldn’t eat, wouldn’t talk.
Just sleep and drink. And drink and drink.
I was living with an inebriated ghost. And then after a day or so, I’d see a glimpse of her old self again, and I’d think, We’re going to get through this.
It’s going to be okay. But then the lights would switch off, and she was gone again.
I was so scared, tiptoeing around the house, trying to get her to eat, not knowing what to say or do to make things better. ”
My heart breaks for the girl trying to be strong all by herself in such a messed-up situation, but it doesn’t explain why she pushed me away.
“Why didn’t you tell me what was going on?
I know I was only twelve, but I would have done everything I could to help if I’d known. My parents would have taken you in.”
“And then what? They call child services on my mom?” There’s a soft sniffle, and Ava rolls onto her back to look up at me with the saddest eyes I’ve ever seen.
“I couldn’t risk it, Dec. I couldn’t risk leaving Mom by herself, not like that.
And besides… Mom’s ‘departures,’ I realized…
they always happened when she saw or heard something that reminded her of Dad or conventions.
I came downstairs one morning wearing my Fruits Basket hoodie, and she just froze up, staring at it.
And just like that, she’d shut down again.
From a hoodie.” Her face crumples, and the tears I’ve been holding back slip free when she reaches up to cup my cheek.
“You were so much like him—only in the good ways, but still. I couldn’t chance having you around. ”
“Okay, but that doesn’t explain school. Why did you have to cut me off so completely?
” I swallow, fighting against the mass of bottled-up feelings attempting to explode.
I layer my hand over hers, willing myself not to fall apart.
“If you had explained about your mom, I would’ve kept my distance when you were home. We still could have been friends.”
Guilt bleeds from her watery eyes, and she squeezes them shut, her voice little more than a raspy whisper. “It wasn’t just her.”
I frown, drawing her hand down away from my face. “What do you mean?”
She shakes her head.
It’s my turn to touch her face, grazing my thumb over her cheekbone before cupping her chin. “Ava.” I wait for her to open her eyes and meet my gaze. When she finally does, I press, “What do you mean it wasn’t just her?”
She sniffs, and I can see her heart breaking before my eyes.
“Whenever I looked at you, all I could think about was him. I… I couldn’t bear it.
I told myself I was pushing you away for my mom’s sake because that made me feel like I was doing something noble, when in reality”—her voice drops so low I have to lean in to make out the words—“it just hurt too much to be with you back then.”
My hand drops to my lap. My gut is a hollow pit. “I see.”
She wipes away a fresh wave of tears, voice cracking. “You need to know, though, that leaving you like I did—it may have saved me a little pain in the short-term, but as the years passed, it was your absence and not my dad’s that hurt the most. I missed you so much, Dec. Every single day.”
The dam fully breaks. I finally give in, pulling her into my arms while I lie in the grass beside her. My lips brush her hair as I whisper, “I missed you too, Aves.”
Her hands clutch my shirt as she curls into me. “I don’t want to lose you again.”
I run a hand over her hair, smoothing it down. “You won’t.”
Her grip tightens, and I almost miss the words she mumbles against my chest. “I really hope you’re right.”
A shiver rolls over my skin, and I mold myself around her. Holding on to this moment for all I’m worth. “So do I,” I breathe into her hair. “So do I.”