21. Ava
AVA
Three days until OA Con
I can’t believe I fell asleep at Declan’s yesterday. More specifically, on Declan. The way my face ignited when his mom woke the two of us up, whispering that it was time for me to go home. My cheeks are still burning this morning.
Mom is up and about when I stumble down the stairs, although without the cooking and nursing a mega-sized mug of coffee.
She looks exhausted, and I feel a stab of anger toward my father for making her this way.
How dare he rub his happy little family in our face, when he couldn’t even be bothered to stick around and care for the one he started with?
A smaller, secret part rages at my mom for letting him affect her this much.
After all, I’m the one he’s replacing this time, not her.
But apparently, I’m not enough for either of them.
And why am I even bothering to try? My pulse flutters at the thought of letting go and just letting myself be. Is this how a skydiver feels as they stare out at the clouds, a breath away from taking that first jump?
If I jump, will it be a euphoric freefall?
Or the greatest mistake of my life?
I’m not entirely sure I’m prepared for the answer, so I grab my bag and whisk out the door, forgoing breakfast altogether.
The thought of watching her sulk over a man who abandoned us years ago makes my teeth grind.
I’d rather wait in the chilly morning air outside where everything is still serene and quiet.
Skipping morning coffee is a no go, however, so I fire off a quick text begging Stasia to bring an extra travel mug full when she picks me up.
She brings a huge one, cementing her status as BFF.
I gulp it down like water in the desert.
She side-eyes me from the driver’s seat. “Soooo… care to tell me what’s up?”
“Nothing’s up, just needed a caffeine fix.”
“Mm-hmm.” She presses her lips together. “The workshop thing going okay with you and Declan?”
“Totally.”
“Nice.” A pause. “You’re having fun then?”
“Yeah, it’s been great.”
“Good. Because I have a confession to make.” She shoots me a brief glance, knuckles white where she grips the wheel. “There is no anniversary party.”
“I’m sorry, what?”
She sinks into her seat with a guilty grimace. “Hiro and I made it all up so we’d have an excuse to get you guys talking again. ’Cause, like, you always looked so sad when you’d pass in the hall and stuff, and you always turn to look at his house when we drive past. Like, every time.”
I do?
“Please don’t be upset,” Stasia begs, shooting me her puppy dog eyes. The ones she knows I can’t resist. “We just thought the two of you needed a little nudge to patch things up.”
I should probably be mad, or at the very least annoyed.
They straight-up lied to our faces, manipulating us into spending time together like conniving little grannies.
And yet if I could go back in time and tell them to mind their own business, I wouldn’t.
Because I am happy to have Declan back in my life. I missed him, plain and simple.
“You’re lucky you came bearing coffee,” I grumble. “You know I can’t be mad at my caffeine enabler.”
“Thank goodness.” She blows out a breath. “It’s such a relief to get that off my chest.”
“Whose idea was it, anyway? Yours or Hiro’s?” To think I didn’t even know the two of them were friends, and here they’d been scheming together. My mind is officially boggled.
“Hiro’s, but I came up with the anniversary excuse.
Genius, I know.” A sly smile creeps onto her face.
“What I didn’t expect was how well it would work.
The way your face lights up every time you see him…
If I’d known how things were going to turn out, I wouldn’t have encouraged Tyler about asking you to prom.
Or at the very least run interference on his public promposal so you’d have the option to say no. ”
“It’s all right. I know how much you wanted me to go, and Tyler’s a fun guy. I’m sure we’ll have a blast.”
“Yeah, but prom is supposed to be romantic. You should be going with someone who makes you all swoon-y inside.”
I laugh. “Like who?”
Stasia rolls her eyes. “Declan, obviously.”
“Declan is just a friend. He doesn’t make me”—I do air quotes with my fingers—“swoon-y inside.”
Stasia snorts. “Tell that to your face. If it gets any redder, you’ll get scouted as an Oompa Loompa in the next Wonka reboot.”
Ugh. I hate that she can apparently pull off elaborate cons where I’m concerned, but I can’t even manage to keep a blush off my face. “Fine. I may, sort of, have feelings for Declan.”
“I knew it,” Stasia squeals. “You two would look so cute together in formal wear! Ahhh, stupid Tyler and his over-the-top gesture that put you on the spot like that.”
“Seriously, it’s okay.” I hug my backpack against my chest, squeezing tight. “It’s not like I could have gone with Declan even if he did ask me first.”
“Why not?” Stasia wrinkles her nose in confusion. “I get that he’s kind of a geek, but I thought you were into that.”
“It’s not that. I mean, okay. It actually kind of is, but not for the reasons you’re implying.” I turn my head and stare out the window. “He’s just…” I sigh. “He’s too much like my dad.”
“Bull.”
I blink, thrown by the sharp edge in Stasia’s voice. When I look over, I find her frowning back at me.
“No offense”—she arches a brow—“but your dad is a narcissist who thinks he’s God’s gift to nerds. I barely know Declan, but even I can tell he is nothing like him.”
Well, when she puts it like that. “Personality-wise, you have a point. But you can’t deny they have a lot in common when it comes to crafting and the whole convention scene.”
“So they share a few hobbies,” Stasia scoffs. “Who cares?"
I think of Mom’s face every time she found something of Dad’s—a stray comic book, an old convention badge.
The way the color would leach from her skin, her shaking hands.
That first year was like walking through a field of landmines, and all I could do was scramble to deactivate as many as possible.
I stripped his memory from our lives as best I could.
Changed my entire image so that Mom wouldn’t have to think of him every time she looked at me.
Declan might as well be the poster boy for everything I gave up.
“I’m not sure Mom could handle it,” I admit, mumbling into my backpack which is now pressed all the way up to my chin. As angry as she’s been making me lately, she’s still the most important person in my life. The thought of hurting her is no small thing.
Stasia makes a tsk-ing sound. “Ava, your mom is a grown woman who’s had five years to get her crap together. I promise you, she can handle it.”
I bite my lip, recalling the way Mom looked this morning. “What if she can’t, though?”
“Ava.” Stasia’s voice is somehow both gentle and frustrated at the same time. “Your mom loves you. She’d want you to be happy.”
I don’t answer as she turns into the school’s parking lot.
The car is silent when we pull into an open spot, and she cuts the engine.
A beat passes, and she sighs. “You should talk to her. Declan or no Declan, it’s time you stop living for someone else, and be honest about how you feel.
If she loves you half as much as I know she does, she’ll want to hear it. Trust me.”
When she says it, it sounds so simple. So easy. But she wasn’t there five years ago. She doesn’t know the depth of my fear. The nausea-inducing worry that things will revert to the way they were if I’m not careful. And yet she’s not wrong.
Something has to give.
“Okay. I’ll try.”
Her face lights up. “Yeah?”
I nod.
She pulls me into the tightest hug our still-fastened seat belts allow.
“Good girl.” When she lets me go, there’s a mischievous sparkle dancing in her eyes.
“And Declan? You’ll talk to him too? Or better yet, skip the talking, and go straight to the kissing.
I hear drummers are amazing to make out with. ”
“Stop!” I bop her over the head with my book bag—she’s lucky there aren’t any textbooks in there—and slide out the passenger door.
Meanwhile my stomach is dancing the conga at the mere idea of kissing Declan.
Five years ago, I could barely look at him without feeling heartbroken about my dad, but now—now my heart chimes in with a burst of confetti, cheering the idea on.
I want to.
I really, really want to.
But I have something I need to do before I can even consider putting myself out there. Too many things have been left unsaid as it is. Tyler deserves to know where I stand. So, even though all I can think about is finding Declan, it’s Tyler’s locker I head for.
He spots me almost immediately, his face breaking into a wide grin as he waves past his usual posse of lacrosse bros and doe-eyed admirers.
And it’s such a genuine, easy smile that I can’t help but hesitate, wondering if I’m making the right choice.
Does seeing him make my heart flutter the way it does when I’m around Declan?
No. But maybe it could if I gave him a proper chance. It would make Mom so happy…
Fingers flick my ear, and I let out a surprised yelp, turning to see Stasia’s face next to mine. “I know that look,” she whispers. “No backsliding, no second-guessing. You’re choosing you for once, damn it. Not your mom.”
It’s legit scary how well she can read me.
But she’s right.
I need to do this.
I push through the crowd and face Tyler head-on. “Hey.” I glance around at the sea of onlookers. Yeah, definitely not the ideal place for a heart-to-heart. I lower my voice so only those closest can hear. “Can I talk to you for a minute? Um, in private?”
Despite my efforts to keep my voice down, there’s a chorus of oohs and eyebrow wagging.
I roll my eyes while Stasia shoos them away.
Tyler laughs good-naturedly, slapping shoulders while they disperse.
When we’re as alone as we can be in the middle of the hall, he leans against the wall of lockers and folds his arms over his chest.
“What’s up?” A tiny wrinkle forms between his brows, a flicker of worry dimming his ever-present smile. “Is this about prom? Did something come up?”
“No, I’m still one hundred percent down for prom.”
His face brightens. “Whew. Had me worried you were gonna bail on me there for a second, Aimes.”
“I would never. Not when formal wear is involved,” I add teasingly. Okay, Ava. You can do this. Make it clear you only see him as a friend. No misunderstandings. I take a deep breath, and press on. “I just wanted to—”
The warning bell rings, cutting me off, and I let out a growl of frustration.
Tyler laughs, backing away down the hall. “Coach will have my head if I’m late to homeroom. Talk at lunch? I’ll meet you outside by the bleachers.”
I’d been hoping to see Declan at lunch, but clearing things up with Tyler first feels like the right thing to do. And we’ll certainly have a lot more privacy out there than we do here in the hall.
“Okay, yeah.” I nod as he reaches the classroom. “I’ll see you then.”
Declan will just have to wait.
A light drizzle mists my face when I step outside at lunchtime, pulling the hood of my sweatshirt up over my hair as my gaze swings to the metal bleachers.
They’re empty, so I take to the track, strides brisk while I make my way around the field.
The motion keeps me warm but does little to calm my nerves.
What do I even say? It’s not like he’s professed actual feelings. I mean, yes, asking me to prom feels like a bit of a confession, but not once have the words “I like you” ever been uttered.
My legs pick up speed, falling into a jog. I round the far end of the track, and there’s Tyler, watching me from the bleachers. He waves and holds up a brown paper bag. My stomach hollows.
You can do this. Just be open and honest.
My heart is racing from more than just exertion as I approach the bleacher steps. Climb the short flight to where Tyler sits.
“Hey.” I smile and gesture toward the rain-speckled bench. “Aren’t your pants gonna get wet sitting there?”
He shrugs and pulls a turkey sub from the bag. “Eh, it’s cool. A damp butt never hurt anyone, as far as I know.”
“I suppose you’re right.” Still, I take a moment to wipe the spot next to him with my sleeve before sitting down.
I’m already uncomfortable enough. “So.” I take a deep breath and turn to look him in the eye.
“I just wanted to clear the air about something, maybe it’s nothing, but like, just to be super sure and all… ”
He bites into his sandwich. Quirks a brow.
Just say it already. “That is, I just wanted to clarify that, while I always have a blast hanging out with you, and you are by far the nicest guy I know, my feelings for you are that of a friend. Nothing more. I… I hope that’s okay.”
He slowly chews, swallows.
My heart lodges somewhere in the vicinity of my throat while I wait for his response.
Finally, after what feels like an eternity, he says, “Yeah, I kind of figured as much.”
My heart drops back into my chest. “You did?”
He gives me a sheepish smile. “At the risk of sounding vain, I’ve been on the receiving end of other people’s affections a fair number of times. I know when someone is crushing on me, and it’s never been you.”
“Oh. Well, that’s good, I guess.” I frown. “Only, if you already knew I wasn’t into you that way, why did you ask me to prom in the first place? There are literally tons of girls who would have leaped at the chance to go with you.”
He shrugs. “Stasia was really into the idea of us doubling, and it’s not like I had anyone else in mind.
Besides”—he grins, eyes twinkling—“you are seriously hot, and once, when we were all eating breakfast at Sal’s, Ben said he was going to try to break their record for the most servings of bottomless hashbrowns consumed, and you said ‘Do or do not. There is no try.’ And it kinda blew my mind, ’cause I’d never heard anyone in our friend group drop a Star Wars quote like that.
” He lets out a soft chuckle. “Never woulda pegged you for a fellow nerd.”
Huh. I hadn’t even meant to say that, it just kind of slipped out from habit. I honestly didn’t think anyone noticed. Who would’ve guessed Tyler Denning, of all people, would be the one who appreciated the reference? Not me.
I smile. “So, no hard feelings?”
“None whatsoever.” He goes in for another bite of his sandwich, but pauses at the last minute. “Oh, and good luck with Declan. I think the two of you are going to make an awesome couple.”
Heat blisters my cheeks. “What?”
He smirks. “That is why you finally decided to”—he makes air quotes—“clear the air, isn’t it? So you could get together with Dec?”
“Am I that obvious?” I groan, covering my face with my hands.
Tyler chomps down on his sandwich with a grin. “You both are,” he says around a mouthful of sourdough. “Pretty sure the two of you are the only ones who haven’t noticed.”
Well.
I guess it’s about time I did something about that.