Chapter 12
CHAPTER
TWELVE
Olivia
“This is gonna be hard,” I mumble to myself as I return to my room to take care of Theo. Once he’s settled, I head back down with the baby monitor in tow to find Beth in the room she uses to conduct individual therapy sessions.
First and foremost, I need to tell her what I forgot to tell Doc. I think if I can get that issue out in the open and possibly resolved, I’ll be in a far better mental place to deal with the other stuff that I’m sure therapy will reveal.
“Hey, Livy,” Beth says, greeting me as I walk into the room and close the door. “Make yourself comfortable,” she continues, pointing to the furniture that dots the room. “I’ll sit accordingly, okay?”
“That sounds good,” I reply as I head over to a chaise lounge that has an ottoman. I’m still pretty sore, so I take a few minutes to get comfortable. Whether or not it’s so I can put off what I need to say is a secret I’ll take to the grave. “Um, Beth, I remembered something that worries me.”
A comforting smile stretches across her face as she says, “Well, you’ve come to the right place. Why don’t you tell me what it is so we can unpack it?”
“I know that Doc ran a lot of tests on me. Do you… do you know if he ran one for sexually transmitted diseases?” I’m not worried about pregnancy since I got the implant as soon as possible after Theo was born. That was one less thing for me to worry about when it came to my ex and his proclivities.
“Let me look in the file he sent over,” she replies, opening a folder that’s on a table next to where she chose to sit.
I wait, my leg incessantly bouncing as I run through every scenario possible, for her to scan the documents.
It feels like it’s taking her forever, but that probably has more to do with the fear coursing through me right now at what the results might state.
I know I’ll have to share that at some point as well, but I’m honestly not quite ready to do it just yet.
As the silence stretches, I try to think of something to say to fill the uncomfortable void but come up empty.
I’ve got nothing at all because this has been weighing so heavily on my shoulders.
“Okay, it looks like he literally ran every single test possible,” she murmurs, her gaze still on the papers in front of her. “And… it looks like everything is negative. He does have a note at the bottom that he wants you to test again in six months. Is there a reason for that?”
Here goes nothing, I think to myself. “Jasper wasn’t the faithful kind,” I reply, still not ready to dive into the actual reason I’m so worried.
“Well, that makes sense then. Even if you used protection, his actions could potentially have consequences for you, and some things don’t show up right away,” she says.
“He didn’t like using rubbers,” I admit, my face flushing in embarrassment. “He said it ‘didn’t feel as good’ so I have to believe that he felt the same with the other women he slept with.”
I almost snicker since sleeping was the last thing he did with any female who had a beating pulse.
He barely stayed within the bounds of propriety as far as their age went, which was disturbing to me on so many levels.
I drew the line at what he wanted me to do to ‘enhance his pleasure’ because while I had no issues keeping things trimmed up, I refused to go completely bare.
It was definitely a bone of contention between us, but for me, it gave me the ick, although I had friends who preferred it for themselves.
To each their own as far as I was concerned.
“As a mom, I can understand wanting to make sure there were no lasting ramifications of Jasper’s behavior,” Beth states. “Now that you know that let’s dive in, shall we?”
By the time my session is nearly done, I feel completely wrung dry.
The irony is, we mostly discussed my childhood, my relationship with my parents, and how I was as a student while in school.
Other than the initial foray into my test results, we didn’t discuss anything concerning Jasper.
Part of me is grateful, but another side wants to hurry up and heal.
“It’s a process, Livy. Think of domestic violence as a crockpot meal.
Little things go in at first, maybe it’s something that’s said over and over again to break you down.
Then, when you’ve been isolated enough, the physical side is added.
Sometimes, financial abuse joins the mix.
Studies have shown that it can take women up to seven to ten times of the dish served cold before they leave for good. ”
I think about what she’s saying and realize that I had been done for quite some time, but then I got pregnant with Theo and felt stuck, especially once I had to stop working and bringing in income for myself.
So, I had to bide my time, saving money here and there while I planned to leave.
I know that it’s probable that Beth, and maybe even BamBam, think that the tipping point to me running was Jasper threatening Theo, and while it partially was that the real reason was far more sinister.
I’m just not ready yet to dig into that because what if Beth thinks I brought it on myself?
“Not everyone gets away, do they?” I ask, although I suspect I know the answer.
“Unfortunately, no,” she says. “Sometimes they do, but their abuser finds them and kills them. Other times, they never leave because they’ve been broken down so fully, they don’t see that there’s hope and healing.”
“I’m glad I ran,” I whisper.
“I am as well,” she replies, smiling at me. “Now, you have homework before your next session.”
I groan which makes her laugh. “What is it?”
“I want you to write a letter to your parents. Tell them about Theo, let them know what you’ve been up to. It may reveal some hidden feelings you aren’t aware of concerning their deaths,” she states. “Eventually, you’ll write one to Jasper as well.”
“Do… do I have to share them out loud?” I know my voice is higher pitched than normal, but the thought of sharing any of what I went through is scary as hell.
“That’ll be totally up to you,” she replies.
“However, what I’ve found in my time doing this is that when you verbalize something, a lot of the shame behind it dissipates.
It’s no longer a hidden secret because someone else, or if you choose to share in group therapy, others, will know.
Shame and embarrassment often keep women shackled to their abuser because in their mind, it’s not so bad, or it’s not as awful as it could be.
Letting others help shoulder the load allows you to draw from their experiences.
It’s a process, Livy, and it’s never going to be perfect.
As I tell all the women who come through here, we’re aiming for progress not perfection.
At the end of the day, if you’re able to heal from what happened to you so you can move forward in a healthy and loving relationship, then you’ve succeeded. ”
“I don’t think I’ll ever want to be involved with someone again,” I admit. “It’s too frightening.”
“And that’s understandable considering where you’re at in your journey, Livy. Now, you may not think what we discussed today was much, but I promise you, it was. Why don’t you get some rest, and we’ll see you later.”
“Okay. Thanks, Beth.”
“It’s my pleasure, Livy.”
After swinging through the kitchen to make a sandwich, I grab a bottle for Theo, warm it up, then take my food, his bottle, and some water up to my room.
I did jot formula down on the list that’s posted on the refrigerator, so I make a mental note to check the price in order to give the house mother money for the purchase.
Hopefully, it won’t be long before I’m able to go out with the others on Saturdays when they head into town to shop.
However, the first few weeks, it’s highly recommended that a new patient stay on the premises.
In my case, I don’t think that Jasper has the first clue where I’m at, but I have no problem sticking close to Hope House.
Outside of how I felt when I was at the Kings clubhouse, I feel safe.
Entering my room, I set all of my stuff on my nightstand, including the baby monitor, and seeing that Theo’s just starting to stir, I quickly hit the bathroom to relieve my full bladder. He’s just about ready to start wailing when I reach the crib.
“Hey, little man,” I coo, reaching in to pick him up. “How’s Mama’s big boy? Let’s get you changed and fed, okay?”
It doesn’t take long to change him and soon, he’s cuddled up against me as I feed him his bottle.
His little grunting noises make me giggle, something I feel free to do whereas before, I tried to keep him and myself as quiet as possible, especially when Jasper was home.
Seems that Theo is also healing from the hell I endured.
One of the things that Mongrel found when he shopped for me several weeks ago was something that almost looks like a soft cage of sorts.
It’s not very tall but fits on the bed so that Theo can have tummy time in a secure environment while I eat.
He still spends a lot of time sleeping which is understandable, so once I’m done with my sandwich, I get him back in the crib.
While I get that some people co-sleep with their babies, it’s not something I feel comfortable with at all. I’ve heard too many people have accidentally rolled over and smothered their babies and quite frankly, if I did that? I’d probably end my own life.
“Okay, Theo, Mama’s gonna take a nap, too. This healing stuff is hard work, let me tell you,” I tell him as I smother his face with kisses before I get him settled. “Then, when we get back up, we’ll go hang out downstairs. I know you want to flirt with the other ladies.”
He may not understand what I’m saying, but the gummy grins and wildly clapping hands show me that he likes the tone I’m using. Smiling, I head back over to the bed, grab the fuzzy throw that Mongrel bought me and curl under it while I think about the letter I need to write to my parents.
Yeah, that’s going to be a rough one. I’m not sure they’d be proud of the choices I made after they died.
But then again, it was their deaths that had me making the move into Jasper’s trailer.
Not that I blame them for what happened by any means, I just wish they’d have been better prepared and had a will or something.
I make a mental vow to myself that I’ll be sure to put plans in place for Theo in case anything happens to me and briefly wonder if Beth knows of someone who can help me do that very thing.
As I fall into a light doze, my mind drifts to BamBam.
I wonder what he’s doing and if he even thinks about me beyond his involvement in getting me to safety.
While I wasn’t wrong when I told Beth I’m nowhere near ready to get involved in another relationship, if I was, he’d check off every single box for me.