Chapter 22
CHAPTER
TWENTY-TWO
Olivia
I think about what he’s just said and realize he’s correct.
I was putting money back wherever I could, and I always had our important documents in my backpack ‘just in case’ the opportunity came about that I could flee.
“You’re right. I wasn’t sure how I was going to leave my hometown with no vehicle, but I was bound and determined when it came to getting the two of us out of there. ”
“Sweetheart, you’re a good mom and an even better woman. You were just caught between a rock and a hard place when your parents died. If you’d have had anywhere else to go other than to his house, you would’ve gone there.”
“But I wouldn’t have Theo,” I tell him. “And if nothing else, he’s the best gift I’ve ever gotten.”
“And someday, he’ll have younger siblings,” he says, which has me blushing once again.
I mean, Jasper was an asshole which I can readily admit thanks to the various lists that Beth has had me doing, but he wasn’t an especially good or attentive lover.
If anything, he was selfish, only worrying about his own gratification.
I push back thoughts of that night then suddenly blurt out, “If I had something I needed to tell you, but I wasn’t sure how to say it, would you be willing to sit in on one of my therapy sessions with Beth? ”
It’s something she had suggested when I brought my fears up to her. Still, I’m worried that he won’t want to hear what I have to say. Only… he needs to know that I might appear to be getting my shit together, but inside, I’m still a bit of a basket case.
“Tell me when and where and I’ll be there, Livy,” he promises.
“She’ll be there when I get back. She comes to me now since I don’t have a vehicle and can’t travel back and forth without someone being available to give me a lift,” I reply.
“Then today’s the day,” he affirms. Reaching over, he takes my hand in his again. “There’s nothing you can say to me that’ll have me changing my mind, Livy. So, if that’s what has you so worried, don’t give it another thought, okay?”
“Okay,” I mumble, my mind a jumbled mess.
“Thelma? Those to-go orders ready?” he asks, seeing our waitress walk by with someone else’s order on her tray.
“I’ll have them at the register, BamBam.”
“BamBam, I know what Livy wants to share with you, and I also know how concerned she is about how you’ll receive this information,” Beth says once the three of us are upstairs in the apartment. Marge took Theo downstairs and is watching him so I can focus on my therapy.
“I told her, and I’ll repeat it to you, there’s not a damn thing that she can tell me that will change how I feel about her or Theo,” he vows.
“Okay, Livy?” Beth asks. “Are you ready?”
I laugh but there’s no mirth behind the sound. “I wonder if I’ve built this up so much in my head that it seems worse than it really is,” I muse.
“Remember, your feelings, no matter what they are, will always be valid. It doesn’t matter how I take the news, or how BamBam takes it. You speak your truth, Livy. Always,” Beth decrees.
Taking a deep breath, I turn and grip his hands in mine so tightly that my knuckles are white.
“Jasper going after Theo that day was the final straw that broke the proverbial camel’s back,” I start.
“About a week earlier, maybe two weeks, although my memories are a bit hazy, Jasper came home after a day out with his friends, Wes and Alex, and all three of them were drunk. Thankfully, Theo was down for the night, because they kept drinking, and I was running around cooking for the three of them. While… while some of it isn’t clear, at some point, I drank some water and Jasper must have put something in it.
” My voice drops to a whisper as it shakes, and I can feel the tears falling down my cheeks.
“The three of them took turns raping me.”
One of his hands reaches out and I feel softness running across my cheeks. I realize Beth must have handed him some tissues, although I feel like his efforts are a lost cause, because the dam I’ve been holding back for months now has broken.
“I don’t… I don’t know for how long it went on, I just know that when Theo woke up early the next morning, I could barely move.
In addition to what they did to me, they roughed me up, although that might have just been Jasper.
It’s all a blur, BamBam, and I couldn’t face thinking about it to be totally honest.”
Strong arms engulf me as he pulls me onto his lap and holds me close. “Cry it out, sweetheart, I’ve got you,” he croons. “No one will ever hurt you like that again.”
For long minutes, the only sound in the room outside of the refrigerator’s hum, are my sobs as I allow all the emotions I bottled up from that long-ago night to be purged.
When I finally stop, partially because my nose is so congested, I’m worried I’ll never breathe again, he’s once again cleaning my face from the tears.
I refuse to think about the snot he’s likely wiping away because that’s just… ewww.
“How are you feeling, Livy?” Beth gently asks.
I take stock about where I’m at after dropping the bombshell of a lifetime on BamBam. “I feel freer. It doesn’t change the fact that it happened, but sharing it with you and now BamBam, I don’t feel the crippling weight I felt before, if that makes sense.”
“It makes perfect sense. What they did to you was a violation on multiple levels, Livy, and it’s obvious, at least to me, that the fact many of your memories are hazy, they likely drugged you to gain your compliance,” Beth states.
I giggle, which might not be appropriate, and at the questioning looks on both of their faces, I explain.
“I think I might have fought, at least a little bit, because Jasper had scratches all over his arms and his face. When I saw Wes and Alex a few days later, one of them had a black eye and the other had a split lip.”
BamBam starts chuckling and leans over to kiss my forehead. “That’s my girl, a total badass for sure. I knew I made a good decision when I said you were mine.”
Emotionally, I’m all over the place. My greatest shame, the utter degradation from a man who had told me he loved me but still allowed his friends to sexually assault me, was just painted in a totally different light.
“He didn’t win, did he,” I state, not asking a question because it’s finally dawning on me what Beth said two weeks ago when I told her.
“Because once you rescued me and Theo, I made sure to have Doc run every single test possible to make sure they didn’t give me anything. ”
“No, he didn’t,” BamBam agrees. “So fucking proud of you, Livy. I know what they did has probably fucked with your head, but like I told you, it’ll never change how I’ve come to feel about you.
Everyone has a past of one sort or another, and I’m not the type of man who would hold what was done to you against you. ”
I sense the sincerity in his words, especially when he adds a squeeze to my hands he’s still holding. A different sensation courses through me, one I’ve never experienced before. Jasper was a means to an end, but in BamBam, I can see a beautiful future.
Beth smiles at me and says, “This was a hurdle you were scared to face, Livy. I’m proud of the fact that you did it in spite of your reservations.”
“The only thing that worries me is whether or not that’ll change how I view physical intimacy.”
And… cue the damn blush once again! I can tell from how hot my face and neck are that I’m probably blood red.
“When we get to that point in our relationship, we’ll deal,” BamBam says. “Because what you had before was a boy child and that’s not how a real man treats someone he cares about, Livy.”
“I just wish I hadn’t had to leave some of my other things behind,” I murmur.
“We might be morally gray, Livy, but I can promise you one thing right now. We’ll get your belongings back for you as soon as we can,” he says.
“Y’all do a lot for the community, BamBam,” I reply.
“Sometimes, good men do bad things for the greater good,” Beth adds.
“Yeah, what she said,” I retort. “I don’t care if y’all do bad things. I think it’s to protect those y’all love. What’s so bad about that?”
“Well, our club motto is that nobody fucks with us, so you’re right, there’s nothing bad about it.
I’ll never tell you club business, of course, but you should know now that I’ll do whatever it takes to ensure you’re safe.
Oh, and I won’t lose a bit of sleep if I have to handle something accordingly. ”
Beth laughs and says, “Well, it kind of sounds like you’ve got your own badass at your back, Livy.”
“Gonna teach Theo how to be one too,” BamBam promises. “Between me and all of his uncles in the club, he’ll be ready to protect his mama.”
“I’m not sure what to say to that,” I admit.
“Nothing for you to say. He might not be my blood, but he’s mine just the same, and I’ll be by your side raising him and any other children you wanna have,” BamBam says. “You just need to get with the program.”
“Aye, aye, Barnabas,” I tease.
“Alright, Olivia,” he retorts.
“And… with that, I think today’s session is done,” Beth states, standing to her feet. “I’m going to head out. Livy, today was emotional for you, so don’t be surprised if your sleep is unsettled tonight.”
“Thanks, Beth. I’ll journal tonight. That seems to help on those days when you ask the tough questions.”
“I told you it would,” she replies, winking at me.