16. Chapter Sixteen
Chapter Sixteen
I stare at the app on my phone screen tracking Willow’s location. I never turned it off. She doesn’t know it, but I watch her from afar. I see her going out with Foolish. Holding his hand. Laughing with him. Falling in love with him.
I make sure he’s treating her right. The way I was supposed to.
I fucked everything up, but it was for the best.
She deserves someone who can love her the right way.
I’m too tainted. Full of too much hatred.
I don’t want to be a father. Not to Kaylene’s kid, but I stepped up.
When she calls, I answer. When she has an appointment, I drive her. I give her money. I sleep on her couch. But we aren’t together. That’s not going to happen. I tried to force it, but I couldn’t do it. I can’t stand her touch. She makes my damn skin crawl.
I can’t stand the bitch.
Willow’s on the move. I get on my bike and park a few blocks from her location. I find her at the pharmacy in the tampon aisle. At least I know when I took her virginity I didn’t knock her up too.
Though there’s a part of me that wishes I had.
At least then I’d still have a piece of her. But now all I have is this. Watching her from the shadows like an obsessed stalker. Hoping she doesn’t start fucking Foolish.
I think if I saw her with him in that way, it’d kill me.
“Are you going out again?” Kaylene gripes as I grab my keys.
“Yup. I’m out of beer.”
“Don’t you think it’s a good idea to cut back?”
“If I want mothered, I’ll call mine.” I grumble.
“Will you be back for dinner?”
“I doubt it. I’ll probably just grab something while I’m out.”
“You never spend time with me.”
“Yeah, and I told you that I’m here for the kid, not you.”
“You don’t even ask about the baby.”
“What’s there to know?”
“You’re an asshole.”
“No one is holding a gun to your head and making you stay. This is all I have to give.”
“I thought you’d come around. That you’d see all the effort I’ve been making to be a good ol’ lady.”
“I never asked you to.”
“I wanted to for you, but you don’t even care, do you?”
“What do you want from me? I’m here. I drive you to your appointments.”
“You’re here, but you’re not really here.”
“I can’t force myself to feel something for you. I care about your health because you’re pregnant with my kid. Beyond that, I really don’t give a fuck.”
“We used to be good together. I don’t understand what’s changed.”
“We used to fuck, Kaylene. I never told you I loved you or that I wanted to be with you. You assumed that shit on your own and now there’s a baby I never fucking wanted coming.”
“You bastard.” She throws a vase at me and starts crying.
“See. This shit right here is why I don’t want to be around you. Fucking crazy bitch. Don’t wait up.”
“That’s great. Go run home to daddy so you two can drink your lives away together. Like father, like son.”
“Yeah, maybe you should have thought about that before you spread your legs for me.”
“I hate you.”
“Good. I hope you mean that.”
“Why would you say that to me?”
“Because maybe you’ll go find someone else to make fucking miserable and leave me the hell alone.”
“You never touch me.”
“My God, woman. You’re exhausting. I don’t fuck you because I’m fucking other women who aren’t getting fat.”
“I knew it. I knew you were fucking around on me.”
“I don’t try to hide it.”
“You know what, Gray? I’m done. I don’t want you to come back tonight.”
“Fucking finally. Now you get it.”
“You’re a miserable bastard who is going to end up alone.”
“Do you ever think that’s what I’m aiming for?” I laugh without humor. “Call me when the kid is born for the DNA test.”
“You’d feel real bad if something happened to me and this baby.”
“You should have had an abortion.”
She grabs a knife from the counter and lunges at me. I grab her by the wrist and knock it away. “Are you done?”
“You’re never going to love us, are you?”
“The kid? I’ll try. You? Nope. Never going to happen.”
“I tried to stab you.” She stares between us at the knife on the floor. “I can’t keep doing this.” She cries, and I pat her back.
Fuck my life. Fuck this crazy cunt.
“I think I’m going to spend some time at my parent’s.”
“You probably should.” She steps back and I look at her stomach. Guilt hits me square in the chest. She’s carrying my child, and I keep upsetting her. All this fighting can’t be good for the baby.
I truly am no better than my father. I remember all the screaming and fighting between him and my mother. He was always fucking around behind her back and spending all their money on booze and lottery tickets.
This kid deserves better than me.
Better than this.
“I don’t think you should see me at all anymore. I’ll pay child support, but I’m not cut out to be a father.”
“What?”
“All we do is make each other miserable. What kind of life is that? Who in their right mind would bring a kid into this?”
“I love you.”
“No, you don’t. You loved the idea of me, but not who I really am.”
“This isn’t who you are. You didn’t treat Willow like this.”
“What are you talking about?”
“I saw the way you were with her, and I wanted you to look at me like that. I thought if I had your baby, you would. That’d you’d want me. But it’s never going to happen, is it?”
“No. I’m never going to be that way with you. Not now. Not when this baby is born or after.”
“Maybe you should start sleeping back at your dad’s place or the clubhouse.”
“I think that’d be best.”
“We can do an early DNA test. I’ll make the appointment.”
“All right. Text me the day and time. I’ll be there.” I bend down and pick up the knife. I hand it to her. “I’d like to say sorry that it didn’t work out the way you hoped, but I’m not sorry, Kaylene. I didn’t want this.”
“I know,” she croaks.
I nod and grab my duffle bag from by the door on my way out.
I park my bike down the road from Grannie Mag’s like I’ve done many times before. I take my flask out of my jacket and take a swig, waiting for Willow to fall asleep.
The nights Kaylene thought I was with other women, I was here watching Willow sleep. Sometimes I stand outside her window. Some nights I crawl through her window simply because I want to hear her breathing.
I walk up the driveway, careful not to set the cameras off. Low’s bedroom light is still on. I watch her walk into her room with a towel on her head and a robe wrapped around her body.
She leaves her room again, and I hear the sound of the hairdryer coming from down the hall.
I should leave, but I don’t.
I can’t stay away.
All I think about is her and how I fucked everything up.
I never even apologized to her for how I treated her in front of everyone.
Eventually the lights go out, and eventually I see the rise and fall of her chest. I lift her window, take off my boots so I don’t track any dirt in, and crawl onto the bench seat.
I move slow, careful to avoid the spots that creak.
I stand over her, thinking about crawling under the covers with her.
I remember how good she smelled when I’d kiss all over her body.
How she tasted when I’d bury my tongue inside that pretty pussy.
Barely had a taste of her and I’m ruined for anyone else.
I miss her so bad it hurts in the center of my chest. There’s this dull ache that won’t go away no matter how hard I try.
No matter how hard I chase liquor, trying to numb the pain.
It’s always there, this space she used to fill with her laughter and her gorgeous smile.
And her fucking Bambi eyes haunt me. The sadness that filled them when I broke her goddamn heart.
The loss of Willow in my life is like having a scab that won’t heal.
I don’t want it to. I deserve to suffer. To hurt. To yearn for her. Fuck do I burn for her.
I reach out to touch her hair but stop myself.
Would she freak out if she woke up and saw me standing here? Would she welcome me with open arms?
I breathe her in one more time before I turn to leave, and that’s when I see it. The one thing that has me wanting to get on my bike and hit the freeway, pedal to the metal, and strike the first high wall I see.
There’s a pregnancy test box on her dresser.
That’s what she was buying at the drugstore.
Is she pregnant with Foolish’s baby?
She can’t be. I pick up the box. She hasn’t opened it yet.
Maybe it’s for someone else like Elsie Jo, or precautionary, or some shit.
I want to wake her up and demand answers, but I know it isn’t my place.
I made my bed and now I have to lay in it.
I climb on my bike and debate riding out of town, but I can’t walk away from her.
I can’t leave her behind.