Chapter 22
AISLYNN
Over the next few weeks, I completely shut Pagan down. I blocked his number on everything, and when he turned up at the coffee shop, I got up, walked out of there, and headed straight to the salon, where I could hide behind Tristan and whatever customer he had at the time.
While Pagan was in my life, I wasn’t moving on, and I certainly wasn’t getting over it, despite how much time had passed. It had been months since the night I walked in on him with Saskia, and I still cried myself to sleep at night because I ached so much for him.
I hadn’t met with his boys, but I did keep in touch with them through Snapchat, sending little memes and GIFs. They were great kids, and in other circumstances, I would have loved the opportunity to get to know them, but it just seemed inappropriate when I wasn’t with their dad.
I’d heard about heartbreak, read about it in books, and listened to my friends pour their souls out to me when they had issues with their men, but to experience that emptiness inside, like there was a part of me missing, was a pain I’d never imagined.
Grief came in many forms, like losing my dad, for instance, but there was a finality to that, whereas knowing Pagan was alive and well somewhere just made me pine for him even more. I knew he was bad for me, and I knew I was better without him, but it didn’t stop the all-consuming ache.
I ate to stay alive; I washed, showered, dressed, and got through the day because I had no other choice, but the enjoyment I used to feel in everything I did faded, and I felt myself slipping away.
I read once that it was better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all, but I started to curse the day I ever met Pagan Sinclair.
I wished the night I’d walked away from him in the Lucky Shamrock was the end because I wasn’t sure how I was going to survive when everything seemed so bleak.
My days bled together. I saw my friends, went shopping, sent out resumes and job applications, and even hit Donovan’s gym for some workout classes with the girls.
As far as everyone was concerned, I was a happy, content girl with a glittering career ahead of me, but on the inside, I was slowly dying.
The only time I felt a spark of life was on the odd occasion I saw Pagan. Now and again, he’d ride through town after a meeting with the Speed Demons, or I’d catch him coming out of the bar after he saw Maeve about increasing his drinks orders.
Whenever it happened, my heart would spark back to life, and then he’d leave, and it would break all over again.
After a while, he stopped trying to contact me, and one night when I was helping out at the bar, I overheard a friend of Saskia’s saying that she’d disappeared because she spent all her time at the clubhouse with Pagan.
I told Callum I was sick, drove home, and cried for hours.
Being in Hambleton wasn’t helping me, so I decided to split my time between Denver and Wyoming, and it helped. At least when I was in Colorado, I wasn’t looking out for a glimpse of Pagan on every street corner like I did at home.
I also started spending time with Kerry and Jada.
They both still worked at Sketch but told me that since Richard had been ousted, things had gotten better.
The new boss was tough and expected the best out of everyone, but nobody minded that, and at least they knew they wouldn’t be in danger of getting groped whenever they worked late.
We went to bars and restaurants, and I even went on a couple of dates. As nice as the guys were, that was also the problem; they were too nice. I went through the motions and laughed in all the right places, but there was no spark.
Then one weekend, the Speed Demons decided to have a party, and everything changed.
—————
“Oh my God,” Kennedy spat, her gaze fixating on the direction of the door. “I swear, even the sight of her makes me sick. What the hell was Pagan thinking?”
My neck twisted, and I froze at the sight of Pagan walking into the party with his arm around Saskia’s shoulders. He steered her toward an empty table and muttered something in her ear, his face hardening as she sat down.
My lungs seized at the sight of them together.
It hurt that he’d brought her, not only for me but also for Maeve. Saskia had been instrumental in almost breaking up her marriage, and Pagan knew that. He was good friends with Mae, so for him to be so disrespectful toward us both felt like an even bigger kick in the teeth.
We’d been at the Speed Demons’ party for about thirty minutes. Soon after I got here, Pagan walked in with his brothers and Saskia. It was like somebody had punched me in the chest, but just like always, I pretended I didn’t care and tried to get on with my night.
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Pagan heading toward us.
My stomach jolted, and I knew if I lifted my hand, there’d be a tremor in my fingers. My senses were on high alert because I was so conscious of Pagan being so close, even after all this time.
He approached the table, and his gait slowed as he passed.
My eyes drifted to his, and my throat tightened when I caught him staring at me intently before turning away and heading toward the men’s room.
“That big, scary biker beast is not happy,” Tristan declared. “You watch your back tonight, Aislynn, ’cause that’s a man with a plan if I ever saw one.”
I shrugged a delicate shoulder, full of bravado. “Well, I’m a woman with a plan, too, and my plan is to avoid him at all costs and get through the night without slapping his face.”
Rosie, who, over the past few months, my brother had finally managed to lock down, took my hand.
“I’m sorry, honey. If I could kick his ass for you, I would, but he’d end up kicking mine, and I’m too pretty to carry off a split lip and a black eye.
Now, Saskia, well, that bitch is a different story.
I know I can take her, so if you want me to kick her ass, just say the word.
Or better still, I’m here for you if you need a wingman to help bury the body. I’m sure Atlas knows places.”
Tristan clasped his hands to his chest. “Oh, I just love girl bonding time. It fills my heart with joy and rainbow sprinkles when we stand in each other’s corners.
It’s like we’ve got our own Scooby gang, like in Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
” His eyes dropped to my considerable cleavage, and he exclaimed, “Except you bitches are more like the Booby gang!”
Cara and Rosie laughed while I looked between them, confused.
“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” I murmured.
“Buffy!” Tristan yelled.
My face twisted with more confusion. “Who?”
“Buffy the Vampire Slayer! And her Scooby gang.”
“She’s too young, Tris,” Sophie interjected from beside Cara. “That show was way before Ash’s time.”
“I think I’ve seen reruns,” I confessed. “But obviously not as many as Tristan.”
“It’s a classic,” he announced. “Angel was hot, then Spike came along with that whole bad-boy morally grey hero vibe, and I was done.” He pointed to his perfectly styled but messy bleached blond hair. “Who else do y’all think inspired my do?” He fanned his face and breathed, “Oohwee.”
I laughed, shaking my head wryly. “If somebody had told me an hour ago that I’d be sitting here laughing about Buffy the Vampire Slayer, I’d have told them they needed to check into a psych ward.”
Rosie squeezed my fingers. “Heartbreak’s awful. There’s not one of us here who doesn’t understand what you’re going through, Ash. You’ve got us; we’ll see you right.”
With my heart warming, I leaned my head against her shoulder and whispered, “Thanks.”
“It’s gonna be okay, Ash,” she promised. “Men like Pagan don’t forget girls like you. He may be full of bravado now, but losing you will haunt him. He’ll look back one day and see he threw away something incredible.”
I lifted my head to look at her. “I feel so stupid. Everyone warned me he was bad news. I thought I could fix him.”
Ro smoothed my hair away from my face. “We’ve all flown too close to the sun, honey.
You may have gotten burned, but it doesn’t mean you should clip your wings.
When somebody you believe in betrays you, it feels like it’s the end of the world, but your story will go on without him.
Just get back out there, work hard, spend time with your girls, and heal.
It may hurt now, but in the grand scheme of things, it’s just a blip. ”
I couldn’t stop my eyes from welling up. God, I loved this girl. “My brother lucked out with you.”
“Don’t say nice shit to me. It always makes me cry,” she said, fanning her face.
I laughed. “It’s no wonder Donovan adores you, Rosie. You’re perfect for him—” I jumped as a deep, raspy voice cut in, “Ash. A word.”
Silence fell over the table, and I lifted my gaze to see Pagan standing beside us with his eyes fixed on my face.
“There’s nothing I’ve got to say to you,” I cut out.
A muscle ticked in his jaw, and I took the opportunity to study him for the first time in weeks.
There were dark shadows under his eyes, and he looked exhausted. Immediately, my heart went out to him. When I saw him last, he’d assured me he was getting help, but he looked so sick. What the fuck had happened?
“You can’t ghost me forever,” he said huskily.
“I’m not ghosting you,” I replied coldly. “I’ve told you it’s over and that I don’t want anything to do with you. What part of leave me alone don’t you understand?”
“You owe me a conversation at least,” Pagan insisted.
My temper flared. “I don’t owe you shit. Especially after I walked into your clubhouse and caught Saskia the slut’s mouth wrapped around your overused, whore dick.”
The music lowered, and necks craned in our direction.
Pagan leaned forward, “We weren’t exclusive. We’d been on a few dates. What’s the big deal?”