Chapter Five #2
“Do you know where he is or what he is doing now?” Rusher is looking at his hands, refusing to meet my eyes as he speaks.
I look up at Auntie Lynn, searching for a way to answer her question.
Her eyes show nothing but sadness. I take a deep breath trying to buy myself some time before I answer him.
Rusher finally looks up at me, his two-tone eyes acting as a stab to my heart that is beyond raw from having seen Watson just this morning.
I finally find the only words that I can give him. “What I can tell you is that I do not currently know what he is doing.”
Fear like I haven’t seen since the last time Shea blew into town causing mayhem shines bright with his next words. “Do you think Shea would know anything about him?”
Knowing that I must think quickly here, I give him the best truthful answer I can. “How about this? The next time she is here, we'll try to ask her what she knows.”
Disappointment fills his eyes, and he sags back on the couch. “Yeah, I guess you’re right. I get the heebie-jeebies when she’s here anyway.”
Reaching over, I pull him into a hug. “I know you want answers, baby. There are so many questions that I want to know the answers to. Right now though, we have each other, and as long as we’re honest and good to each other, then it’ll all be fine.”
“I know, Ma. I just wish I knew something about him,” he whispers.
I decide right now that I can give him a little bit about his father. “You can ask me two questions about him.”
Rusher sits up, smiling wide. “I can ask you anything about him?”
“You can ask with the understanding that I reserve the right not to answer,” my tone firm.
“Right, right.” He nods, then stands and paces the floor.
“I’m going to go on to bed. I love you both,” Auntie Lynn cuts in.
“I love you, Auntie Lynn,” Rusher goes over to her, pulling her into a hug and kissing her on the top of her head.
“Love you, Auntie Lynn,” I blow kisses from my place on the couch, not trusting myself not to run away from the situation if I get up.
Auntie turns, shuffling out of the room and down the hall towards her room. Rusher turns back to me, face full of hope and questions. Groaning, I flop back on the couch like a damn teenager.
“Alright, Rushy, let’s get this over with.” I wave a hand in the air.
“Okay, okay, first question—do I look more like my dad or like mom?” He holds a hand up. “I want your honest opinion.”
I give him a little, unable to come to the terms that he looks exactly like his father at fifteen. “You have his eyes. He had the same one blue and one hazel eye.”
His eyes light up with this information. “That explains why some do double takes when they see me. Question number two, did he and Shea love each other?”
Of all the questions he could have asked or wanted to know, he had to choose the one that I cannot answer.
I truly do not know if they loved each other, if it was a one-time thing or, hell, if one took advantage of the other.
All I know is that when Shea showed up pregnant and scared because she wasn’t safe, I packed without question and left with her.
How do I tell this child that on the day he was born, and I learned the truth, something cracked so deep in my soul that I nearly walked away from him and my sister?
“Rushy, I cannot answer that as I do not have the answer. What I can tell you is that I and your Auntie Lynn have loved you since before your first breath. Hopefully, one day we will be able to find out the answers you're looking for.”
His shoulders slump with pure disappointment.
“I know, Ma. I just wish I had some answers. Don’t get me wrong, I love you, and you’re my mom in all the ways that truly matter.
I-I-I,” he throws his hands up in pure frustration, spinning away from me.
“I just need to know why. Why did Shea not stay and take care of me? Why didn’t he come looking for me?
If they didn’t want me, why didn’t they make sure that I wasn’t possible?
So there wasn’t a chance to have a damn kid. ”
I ignore his cussing right now because he needs to let some of the emotions that’s been building loose some steam.
“Rushy, I’m sorry that I cannot give you the answers you want or need. I truly hope that one day you will get the answer. For today, what I can answer is that I love you and will show up all day every day for you.” I tell him.
His shoulders fall, and he hangs his head. “Thank you, Ma. I love you.”
Standing up, I go over to him and pull him into a hug. “I love you too, Rushy.”
“I’m going to shower and head to bed,” he whispers before turning away from me, trying to hide the tears on his face.
Sitting heavily back on the couch, I sigh.
How does this keep happening? Every time I feel like I’m getting things under control and manageable, the universe steps in and yells, sike bitch!
I try to calm the climbing anxiety and finally head for bed, praying as I go that tomorrow is going to be a better day.
For the next two weeks, things are quiet.
School has fully started, travel ball is in full swing, construction has started at the house, I’ve started my part-time job at Petty Cleaning Services, and Auntie Lynn seems to get better and better.
Every day I go into work, I fight the small flare of excitement that I might run into Watson.
Then I beat myself up when I’m disappointed he isn’t there.
Erin Rose has been absolutely amazing, reminding me so much of Auntie Lynn that work is always fun.
One day when we were going through the invoices and just chatting, she filled me in on the fact that Petty Cleaning, Tender Touch Butcher & Slaughter, the Chrome Chalice, and Gold Wings Construction was all owned and operated by Kings of Anarchy Motorcycle Club so I may see club members in and out.
At first, when she told me about this, it gave me pause.
Do I really want to not only work for a company associated with a motorcycle club, but—more importantly—can I trust them to be in and around our home?
That evening, I got home nervous and ready to tell Auntie Lynn there was no way that we could let them do the work on the house.
She looked at me as if I had two heads before letting out a full-blown belly laugh.
“Dear, who do you think all those young yummy men in leather and on motorcycles were? That club has looked out for me since the day it moved to town. Their original president needed somewhere to store some things. I had land, and he was hot, so I allowed it. Since then, they have always taken care of me and the land. They still use it from time to time.”
I don’t have words for her admission. “Auntie Lynn, are you telling me you’ve been hanging out with criminals all this time?”
The way her eyes fill with steel as she levels it at me, shocks me.
“You will not speak of things you do not know. Do not judge that which you do not understand.” She shuffles around the counter, squeezing my hand.
“Know this, if anything were to happen and you need someone, they will come. The Kings will always go where they are needed.”
I don’t know what to say to her or how to respond, so I just nod and squeeze her hand.
As I turn back to the dishes in the sink, my mind begins to wander.
While I load the dishwasher, I don’t stop the runaway thoughts, instead I let them carry me back to a time when fear and heartbreak didn’t sit so heavily on my shoulders, to when I still believed in the future and give myself the grace to dream.
With the dishes done, the runaway thoughts are pulled back and shoved into their box as I shut the house down and head for bed.