Chapter 5
Cassandra
“I’m so embarrassed.” I placed a fresh cup of coffee in front of Alek. “You weren’t meant to see that.” My cheeks were burning up. Along with my lips and other parts of my body after being thoroughly turned on by my ex. Even my panties were wet.
I never let my guard down. How could I lose my mind today? And with Alek in the building?
It must have been because of that club girl. Suzy.
The Green-Eyed Monster in me had come out with vengeance. It was like I needed to find out if I could still turn Slay on.
Apparently, I could and I felt victorious.
“I was only worried about you. You did not seem happy about him being here.” Alek stirred the cream in his coffee. He seemed different, but I couldn’t quite make out the changes.
“I appreciate that, but I can handle Slay.”
“What kind of name is Slay?”
“It’s not his birth name. It’s a road name he uses in his club.” I leaned against the counter and tried to be friendly like I’d been before Slay got me wound up.
“Very interesting. And what is his birth name?” Alek drank his coffee, keeping his eyes on me.
Why would he want to know Slay’s real name? Just then, my phone rang.
“Sorry, I need to take this.” Saved by the bell, or um, my brother. “Hi, Steve.”
“Hey, Cass. I need a major favor.”
“What?” I pushed my hip out as if he could see me.
“Can I crash at your place? It would only be for a couple of days. Not longer than a month.”
“A month? Why?” Of course, I’d let him. He was my brother. I just wouldn’t make it easy on him. He was on a road going nowhere and needed to take control of his life. Provide for himself. Have his own couch. Buy his own food, instead of eating everyone else’s.
“My girlfriend and I got into a fight. But she’ll cool down. Eventually.”
“Since when do you have a girlfriend?” This was news to me.
“We’ve been on and off for a while. Can I crash at your place or not? I’m sure Slay will let me stay at the clubhouse if you won’t put me up for a few nights. Or a month.”
I sighed, surrendering to my brother’s request. “You can stay. But don’t think you can manipulate me. I’m onto you, buddy.”
“Cool. Thanks.”
“No problem. Do you still have a key?”
“Yes. I’ll be over this evening.”
“Okay. Bye.” I ended the call and found Alek dialed into my conversation. “That was my brother.”
“I see. He needs place to stay.”
“Yes.” Boy, I felt a little violated and I wasn’t sure why. Had he been listening to my phone call?
For as long as I’d known Alek, like a few weeks, he’d been charming and nice. His questioned about myself or my family hadn’t felt invasive. We just chatted about everything, and our friendship was slowly developing.
Until Slay dropped in today.
“Is your brother biker like Slay?” Alek watched me with an intensity in his brown depths I hadn’t seen before.
What was up with him? Before now, I’d found him charming. Interesting. A possibility for more…
But I wasn’t so sure I’d consider him now, which was disappointing. Sort of.
“Why would you think he’s a biker?” I asked, strangely feeling offended on my brother’s behalf. Although Steve would probably be delighted if people thought he was an outlaw biker.
Clearly, it was me who had the problem with motorcycle clubs.
“No reason.” He pushed his cup toward me and set a ten-dollar bill on the counter. “I should go. But I will be back.”
“Of course. Have a good rest of your day.” I waved, sort of relieved he was leaving.
Cleaning up after Alek, I observed my café. Business had slowed down after the morning rush. I only had two staff members: Lucy and Trevor. They alternated days, and I worked every day. Somedays alone when someone was sick and the other couldn’t cover.
Maybe I should offer Steve a job like my dad had suggested. Having another day off, not just Mondays, would be amazing.
I turned toward Lucy, who was busy refilling the pastry case in preparation for the lunch rush.
“Will you be okay if I took a break? I won’t be long. Ten or fifteen minutes.” I asked her.
“Oh, yeah. No worries. I know where to find you.” She smiled sweetly.
“Thanks. I’ll be in my office.” I went around the counter and toward the back office.
Exhaling a deep breath and glad to be out of the public eye, I plopped onto my chair.
What a day and it wasn’t even noon yet.
I rocked in a rhythmic motion and closed my eyes. Immediately, I went back to that kiss with Slay. He had practically devoured me and I let him. Heck, I joined him.
We’d never kissed like that when we were teenagers. There was a sense of desperation coming off both of us.
If Alek hadn’t interrupted us, I wouldn’t have stopped. I might have suggested we sneak into my office for a quickie.
I fanned my face, still a little hot and bothered. The idea of having sex right here on my desk with Slay made me clench down low.
No question in my mind he would have done it if I asked.
All these years, I’d known if I let my guard down with Slay, I would have caved to his magnetic allure. He had a powerful hold on me, always had, probably always would.
But the painful shame I carried, knowing what I knew, and knowing he had no clue had kept me from mending what I’d broken between us.
How would Slay ever forgive me for what I’d done? I knew he wouldn’t. Just as I wouldn’t forgive him for getting my brother into motorcycles and dreaming of becoming a member of a biker club.
If it weren’t for Slay, Josh might still be alive today.
No, that wasn’t totally true. I shook my head as I teared up.
Josh and I had argued. He’d found out what I’d done, or rather, what my mom helped me do. Josh had been angry, so very angry with me…
“Why didn’t you come to me? I’m your older brother. You can depend on me to help you,” Josh said with a severe look of disappointment.
“Helped me how? It’s not like you can rewind time back to when I had unprotected sex.” A sob ripped from my chest. “He can’t find out.”
“Oh, you’re telling him.” Josh paced in front of me. “You don’t lie to people you love.”
“It wasn’t my idea to hide it. Mom set it up and promised nobody would find out.”
“Doesn’t matter. You could have told us.”
He wasn’t wrong. I could have been brave, but I was scared and didn’t know what to do.
“Chris deserves to know.” My brother stopped in front of me. He towered above me, while I sat on my bed. “And if you don’t tell him. I will.”
“You wouldn’t betray me like that.” My heart dropped into my stomach.
“Oh, but it’s okay for you to betray Chris?”
“It’s not like that. Mom said this is a private matter and I don’t ever have to tell anyone,” I said, blubbering like a fool. Those had been her exact words right before I’d gone into the doctor’s office.
“He’s your boyfriend, for Christ’s sake! My best friend! You know, the guy you’re supposed to love!” He grabbed onto his head and bent at the waist like he was going to vomit. “He would want to know.”
“I do love him!” I loved Chris more than anyone else, including my family. “But telling him about this isn’t something I can do.” For goodness sakes. I couldn’t even talk about my period, let alone what I’d just gone through.
“You have a funny way of showing it! Chris isn’t like other guys. He can handle it, Cass. Are you going to tell him, or should I?” He was relentless and went toward my bedroom door.
Josh took loyalty to another level and was passionate about being honest. I believed his high standards for people stemmed from our parents’ divorce and his feeling of abandonment. He’d been the older brother and felt like he had to protect Makayla and me because our father wasn’t around.
But I hadn’t expected his behavior to be unhinged like this over what happened to me.
“It’s not your place to tell him!” I covered my face and bawled my eyes. Maybe if I were older and more confident in my relationship with Chris, I could tell him. But geez. My brother knew how shy I was with most people. “Do you think he’ll break up with me if I tell him?”
“If he does, then he’s not the right guy for you.”
That wasn’t the response I wanted to hear. How could I risk losing Chris?
“Please, Josh. Don’t say anything,” I begged my brother with everything inside me.
I loved Chris with every cell in my body. We were planning to get married right after I graduated high school. He was saving money to get us a place. We were going to be together forever. Why did he need to know what I went through?
“So, you’re not going to tell him?”
Without looking at him, I shook my head. Not today.
Maybe not ever, but I couldn’t think about it now. I was recovering from the procedure, and Mom wouldn’t let me out of the house for a few more days. And telling Chris over the phone would be awkward.
Although, I wouldn’t have to see his face so maybe that was an option.
The next thing I heard was the slamming of the front door and his motorcycle roaring to life…
My ringing cellphone startled me out of my painful memory. Like clockwork, it was my mom and my weird emotions suddenly all made sense.
It was the fifteenth of the month. The day my world had changed years ago.
“Hi, Mom.” I wiped the wetness on my cheeks.
“You’ve been crying. I hear it in your voice.”
“It’s like you sense these things all the time. I don’t know how you do it.” Seriously. She always caught me when I was crying.
“Mother’s instinct, sweetie. But I’m not really all that special. I expect you to be sad and emotional today.”
“I saw him earlier.” I sniffled and plucked a tissue out of the box on my desk.
“Do you mean Chris?”
Obviously, I hadn’t seen Josh. Although I wished I had.
If I had the power to change the course of that day, I wouldn’t have been a scared fifteen-year-old and I would’ve asked him to go with me to tell Chris what I’d been through.
Instead, we’d argued and he’d left like a tornado of emotions because of me.
And he’d died not fifteen minutes later.
The number fifteen had become gravely significant to me.
I’d been fifteen years old.
It’d been the fifteenth day of the month.
My brother had died fifteen minutes after storming out of my bedroom.
I hated the constant reminders of this day…
“Mhm. He came to the café and I don’t know… It was weird. Like he was testing me or something. Maybe he was saying good-bye and finally letting me go.” Registering the words letting me go shredded my heart. I honestly didn’t know if I could live without having him in my life in some capacity.
“That is weird. So, he just came and left? That’s it?”
“Not exactly.” I bit my bottom lip.
How much should I tell her? My mom and I were close, but usually, conversations about Chris happened with my sister Makayla or my best friend, Jazmine.
I hadn’t gotten a chance to call my sister because Mom had called me first. And Jazz was out of the country visiting her parents in Tokyo.
With the sixteen-hour time difference, I hadn’t spoken to her very much.
Nothing odd about that. She went to Japan every year so not talking for three weeks was par for the course.
“Cass, are you there? Hello? Cassandra?”
“Oh. Sorry. Just lost in my thoughts.” I winced, hearing the annoyance in her voice.
“Is something more going on? You seem different.”
“Different like how?”
“I’m not sure. What did Chris say?” Of course she would ask for the details. She was the kind of mom who loved playing twenty questions.
Normally, I was an open book, but I found myself keeping the specifics close to my heart. “It must be the Russian guy I recently met. He was so weird after Chris left.” I snapped my mouth shut.
Could I be anymore stupid? Alek had been weird after seeing us kiss. But I didn’t want my mom to know about the lip lock with Chris.
“Ooh, I’m intrigued. Tell me more about the Russian. Is he handsome? What’s his accent like? Is he visiting or does he live here?”
“Actually, I really need to get back to work. Lucy is out there alone, and the lunch rush will be starting soon.” Yes! She had already forgotten about Chris.
“No worries. I know you’re busy. This was just my fifteenth-of-the-month call. But I’m happy there might be a new man in your life. It’s time you let go of the past and all the pain and get on with your life.”
“Thanks, Mom.” I nodded as if she could see me. “I appreciate you calling.”
The only living I’d been doing was working and the occasional date or girls’ night out with Jazz and Makayla. Well, and losing myself in a good book.
Escapism was my favorite pastime.
“Have a good day, sweetie. We’ll talk again soon. Love you.”
“Love you, too.” I ended the call. It was highly unlikely that we would speak again before next month… before the fifteenth.
I sat there in my small office feeling numb and overwhelmed. Memories of the procedure I had at only fifteen and on the fifteenth of the month and my brother’s death haunted me.
I didn’t deserve happiness after my brother had died because of me.
Now that I was older and wiser, what I’d gone through wasn’t as bad as what I’d made it out to be when I was a young teenager. Plenty of women had ectopic pregnancies. But how many had been young like me?
My mom had nearly lost her mind when the doctor in the emergency room had told her I was pregnant. It was a whole thing.
Mom had thought the pain I was experiencing was my appendix bursting.
At the time, I was relieved Josh had spent spring break with our dad.
Us kids would usually take turns so not to overwhelm our stepmom.
Makayla had stayed home with me, but being three years younger than me, she didn’t know what was going on.
Of course, I’d eventually confided in her.
If I’d been more confident and less shy, I would have told Chris the truth, but my life had spiraled out of control, and I hated myself and the universe for taking my brother from me.
Even now, I didn’t know if I could tell Chris. His best friend had died because of me.
I’d pushed Chris away because I couldn’t stand to be reminded of my part in my brother’s death but also Chris’s part for getting Josh into motorcycles and MCs.
Forcing myself out of the chair, I pulled myself together and exited my office.
Chris… Er, I meant Slay, and I would never be together. I just couldn’t after so much had happened between us.
And frankly, I didn’t care all that much about Alek either.
Cass’s Vibes would be my one and only love.