Chapter Eighteen
“Quinn, I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry for everything that happened, but I’m especially sorry for what happened to you,” I say in a rush, trying to get everything out before she wheels past me or I start to cry.
“Boring,” says Quinn, rolling her eyes. Her leg twitches as she adjusts herself in the seat, and it humiliates her. She presses down on it hard, trying to make it stop.
“You don’t have to do that. I don’t mind—”
“Well, I fucking do,” says Quinn. “The damn things don’t do anything I tell them to. And when I’m not doing anything, then they move.”
“They seemed to do something when you were yelling at Seth.” I hope this isn’t an insensitive thing to say, but there’s a good chance she’ll take anything I say the wrong way regardless of my intentions. Still, I have to try.
“Sylvie, your brother is so fucking annoying that even the handicapped will walk to get away from him.”
I cover my mouth to keep from laughing. “That’s terrible. And so, so true.”
“But godsdamn is he hot as hell. I thought Octavia was distracting enough, but then in walked that asshole…”
“Quinn, no. He was nothing but rude to you. He literally hates you.”
She lifts one reddish brown eyebrow. “Is there anyone hotter than someone who hates you?”
I shake my head furiously, trying to get her to see reason. “Quinn, he’s a man. You’re capable of liking people who aren’t men. Don’t turn your back on that gods-given gift.”
For a moment, I think she’s going to say something funny back, but her face goes blank as she realizes what we’re doing.
We’ve settled back into our old friendship.
She was there for me during the times when I was struggling to find a way to stop the war plans so I could be with Ronan, and we’ve found our way back into that pattern even though she hasn’t forgiven me.
“I don’t know what it matters to you,” she says, her voice going hard and cold. She wheels away down the hall so fast this time that I have to jog to get in front of her again.
“Follow me outside if you must,” she says. “I don’t care. But get in my way again, and I’ll cut you open.” She flashes a dagger at me from a sheath on her waist.
I raise my hands in surrender, and then I follow her out into a courtyard.
It’s the same one where they held the signups for the tournament of sport, the place where we met. The floral vines that line the stone arches and columns are browning now that autumn is setting in, but it’s still almost as lovely as it was a few months ago in the light of sunset.
“It matters to me because you’re my friend, and I care about you,” I say once she comes to a stop near a bench. I take a seat beside her. “I’m sorry I lied to you. I was trying to find a way to stop it—”
“I don’t care what you were trying to do. I care what you did. And what you did is get yourself close to us, to me and to my closest fucking friend in the world so you could kill him. Just like I said you would, just like I should have known you would do from the start.”
“Yes, you’re right. Is that what you want to hear?” I hold my hands up again, another surrender. “Yes, we planned to kill him. Yes, I got close to him so I could do so. But by the time you and I became friends, I’d already decided not to do it. I knew I couldn’t do it when I saved his life.”
I close my eyes to blink back tears. I had been so terrified for him even then, and it’s only gotten worse since.
“Quinn, I love him. I love you. Everything I’ve done since that night has been for the people that I love.
That idiot in there that you think is hot is my brother.
That bitch out on the battlefield is my sister.
And they’re all I have. They’re the only family I have.
I love them too. I was just trying to find a way that all of us could live. That’s all I wanted.”
“Some fucking family,” says Quinn.
“I know. Believe me, I know.”
Quinn sighs, stretching her neck and still avoiding eye contact with me.
“The thing is, I know all of that. And I know that Ronan forgives you, and I know that he would have done the exact same thing in your position, but I wouldn’t have.
I would have picked a fucking side. I would have known that you can’t have everything.
Not in life, and not in war.” She turns to me, her voice going quiet.
“I don’t blame you for what happened to me in there.
I don’t blame you for what Adria did. But I do blame you for what’s happening now.
You say you love Ronan. You trust him. And yet you still lied to him when he could have stopped all of this.
And that’s the thing I just can’t forgive you for. ”
“I can’t forgive myself for that either,” I say, swiping tears from my cheeks.
We sit in silence for a long time. As the last of the light fades from gold to red to blue, a fire-born servant comes around to light the torches. Quinn lights the one next to us to stop them from coming over.
“At least I still have my magic,” she says. “What you said in there, about feeling useless. I get it.”
I can’t imagine how she must feel right now. She is a fighter, a General, someone used to being in the center of the action. Even if she recovers, she likely won’t be able to stand by Ronan’s side on the battlefield.
And maybe for someone like my brother, the type of commander who stays as far from the front lines as possible, that would be alright, but I know it isn’t for her.
“Do you know if you’ll walk again?”
She shakes her head. “But then I didn’t think I could stand at all until tonight. Go find your brother for me, will you? If I have to listen to him talk for five more minutes, I’m pretty sure I’ll learn to fly just to get away from him.”
“That makes two of us.”
“Look, Sylvie,” says Quinn. She wheels in front of me to face me. “I don’t think we’ll ever be friends again, but I know you’re going to be in Ronan’s life for as long as you can stand it, and I’m not going anywhere either.”
I nod. On that much, we’re agreed.
“And as much as I’d love to fight with you until the end of time, I’m pretty sure if I do, he’ll eventually kick me the fuck out of his life because godsdamn is that man an absolute fool for you. I’ve never seen anything like it. He puts me to shame.”
Heat travels up my neck into my cheeks, settling there in a comforting warmth as I hear her words.
I know he loves me, of course, but there’s just something about hearing the people he cares about say it that touches me deeply.
They know him so well, and for them to talk about it this way must mean that the way he feels about me is truly special, even for him, a man who seemingly has a capacity for near-infinite love and understanding.
“I will be civil to you for his sake,” says Quinn, holding out her hand to shake.
I take it, and then she pulls me towards her with surprising strength until her lips are next to my ear.
“But if you ever lie to him again, I’ll fucking kill you.”
She’ll have to fight Queen Claudia for the right, and certainly Taran as well, although he hasn’t seen the need to make the same threat.
But if I were placing bets on which of Ronan’s friends and family is most likely to kill me for betraying him, I’d bet on Quinn any day.
Ronan waits for me in the hallway outside the courtyard, having clearly been watching our entire exchange and reading our feelings.
I’m not mad at him for his version of eavesdropping. At least he could have saved me if she had decided to stab me in the throat.
“She’ll come around eventually,” says Ronan, leading me up the stairs to his chambers.
I’m not sure he’s right, but at least we’ve made some progress.
Ronan stops at the top of the stairs before turning right to head to his chambers. If we turned left instead, we could reach the ones I had when we were staying in the palace, back when I was sharing a room with Adria.
“I didn’t want to presume that you wouldn’t want your own space. Or that you would feel safe in my chambers after what happened to you there.” He strokes my cheek, his eyes filled with regret. “We had to use the room you were in before for the court, but there are consort chambers you could use—”
“I want to be with you,” I say, leaning forward to kiss him. He stills at my touch, his body tensing with need. “I’m not afraid, not if you’re there.”
“I am,” he says softly. “Gods, I’m so worried that I won’t be able to keep you safe.”
“Ronan,” I say, standing on my tiptoes to hug him tightly. “We’re going to be alright. We’re together again. That’s what matters.”
Then I bring my lips to his ear. “Take me to bed.”
“Fuck,” he says, bending to scoop me into his arms. I wrap my legs around his waist as he carries me past the guards through the hall, past the antechamber, and into his living room.
He’s headed for the bedroom when I stop him after I see movement through the billowing white curtains in front of his balcony.
“There’s something there,” I say, my pulse racing. Gods, that didn’t take long. I thought I’d have half a minute of peace with him before facing the next threat, but apparently, there’s no peace for us.
To my surprise, Ronan doesn’t charge, or assume a fighting stance, or even put me down.
He laughs.
“She’ll be furious if I keep you from her,” he says, carrying me out onto the balcony.
As we approach, my mind resolves her silhouette through the fabric.
Kira.
“Put me down. I want to see her!”
Kira’s golden eyes blink rapidly at me as I approach her, her eagle neck stretching out to greet me. She nuzzles against me as I stroke her feathers, marveling at the sheer size of her. She takes up half of Ronan’s balcony.
“I had to have Marta bring some of her things up here. She worries too much about me from the stables. At least from up here, she has a good view of the city, and she has access to the sea to hunt.”