Chapter 19
PRESENT
My living room looks like a tornado went through it, but the sounds coming from out there are of three happy, laughing kids who are five episodes deep into SuperPets .
“How long do you think we can successfully hide in here?” Teddy asks as she sips the mocktail I made. She shifts in the chair at my kitchen table, looking about ready to burst.
“Until they all realize we’re gone or one of them needs food.” I grin.
As if on cue, Penny comes running into the room, crying something about Dalton taking away her Barbie.
Her brown eyes are brimming with tears as Dalton comes running in behind her.
“She was throwing it, I told her she can’t do that here because she might break something,” he defends himself like the little caregiver he is. Teddy has told me since her husband died, Dalton has turned into the man of the house of sorts, and Penny has an adventurous side.
I take the opportunity to check on Hollie in the living room while Teddy settles the commotion. She’s quietly sitting on the floor coloring and watching SuperPets, singing along with the music. I smile as I watch her, she is a naturally easy going child, always finding something to keep her busy.
The quiet moment of watching her ends as Dalton and Penny come back into the living room with Teddy. “Crisis averted.” Teddy grins, tucking a strand of her blonde hair behind her ear. “I told Dalton we’d sit out here, so I guess our alone time is over.”
I laugh, taking a seat on my comfortable sofa as Dalton gets a game of Candyland out for them.
“He’s like having a built-in little babysitter.” I nod toward him.
He explains the easy rules to the girls and Teddy smiles.
“He’s changed a lot since Logan passed. He had to grow up so much faster than I would ever want.” I see the pain in Teddy’s eyes as she talks. It’s only been six months, and I imagine being pregnant during this loss would be the most bittersweet thing imaginable.
“Will you have any more?” she asks, putting her swollen feet up on my ottoman.
I shrug. “I’d like to, I just… Who has time for that? Plus, I’d need a man I actually like and I’m not sure that exists.”
“Well, technically, you just need one part of a man.” Teddy blushes as she says it, the way she does anytime she says something even remotely naughty. I laugh in return as she adds, “Well, actually, you don’t even need that if you?—”
“I get it,” I say, tipping my head back to laugh.
“Well, that's it, I’m bringing it up. Are we gonna get to the point of why you brought my ready-to-combust self over here?” she asks. I feel the blush creeping up my neck. “Seriously, Vi, it took me ten minutes to do my sandals up. Out with it.”
I laugh and groan at the same time.
“All right, well…Rowan Kingsley.”
Teddy nods. “Hotshot extraordinaire, very handsome, currently residing in your burn unit.”
“Yes,” I say carefully, trying to decide how to word it. “Well, we have a history. He was my brother’s best friend, always, for as long as I could remember.”
“Right, I think I knew that,” she says. Her history was always intermingled with mine but never really a part of it.
“And you hadn’t seen him until you came home?” she asks, turning to watch as Dalton shows Penny how to spin for her next color.
“Drifted apart after your brother…” she trails off, not wanting to say it. Teddy, of all people, knows how hard it is to lose someone. I nod.
“We drifted apart long before that. He was the first guy I…cared about. My first kiss, my first”—I look to the kids to make sure they can’t hear—“you know…”
Teddy’s eyebrows shoot up in surprise.
“Oh, you were with him?” she asks, her pretty face is lined in surprise.
I shake my head. “No, not quite that far. If we’re talking baseball, it was a third base type thing. First time to third base, if you know what I mean…”
She nods and sips her drink. “I think I got it.” She giggles.
“But the thing is, I had feelings for him. Whatever it was back then, it was strong,” I tell her, playing with a thread on my shirt. “I thought it was for both of us and I know I had those feelings for him, for years.” I focus on the hem of my oversized T-shirt as I talk, relieving the truth for the first time in a long time.
“I think I looked up to him, even though we were the same age. We got really close when we worked on a school project together. He needed to do well to pass and graduate on time, and I was happy to help him because I was so crazy about him…”
I go through the whole story, half in code so the kids don’t hear anything they shouldn’t. Teddy calls that speaking “Momglish.”
I tell her about our history, the way I wanted him for years, our time together, how effortless it felt and about him asking me to prom.
“I really thought he cared about me. He was the first guy I ever cared about. I was so happy, and then he just dropped me. He showed up to view our final mark a few days later and told me that he needed some space, and that we were done. It was obvious to me then that he had just used me to help him get a better grade. I was falling in love for the first time and he broke my heart, I was devastated.” I swallow the rest of my mocktail. “I left right after and haven’t really been back much since. It was too complicated, I knew he’d be around the house all the time. I didn’t want to face him…”
“What a…poopyhead,” Teddy says with a giggle. Dalton chuckles when he hears his mom.
“Mommy said poopyhead.” Penny giggles.
“Total poopyhead,” I agree as the kids continue playing.
“You two never talked about it?” she asks.
“No, I had to hold on to some pride, I was humiliated at the time.”
Teddy doesn’t say much, she just nods so I continue rambling.
“I compared every guy to him for a long time. I wanted to feel with someone else what I felt with him but I never did. The night of the prom I stayed home and cried in my room. I found out that he went with my nemesis, Kyleigh Miller. It was like the final nail in the coffin. I think I never let go of that because I got it so wrong. It really made me question my judgement in every relationship after. Maybe because I never knew why ,” I tell her as I eye the kids while they play. “Kyleigh was always so mean to me and he told me he didn’t even like her as a person. But it made sense on paper for him to take her instead of me.” I shrug “It just really hurt me back then.”
“Why?” Teddy asks. “What made you think that?”
“She was popular, gorgeous, thin, everything I thought I wasn’t.”
Teddy purses her lips into a straight line, and I know she’s mentally kicking my butt for the lack of self-esteem I had back then, especially since I always encourage her to boost hers.
“I had to see pictures of them all night long on social media. It was torture.” I shrug. “I mean, it wasn’t like we talked about being exclusive, but I know I was falling in love with him, I had been for a long time. We just had a crazy connection. I’m not sure I ever felt like that again, even with T-R-O-Y.” I spell it out so Hollie doesn’t know who I’m speaking about.
Teddy adjusts her position on the sofa. I remember being that pregnant, never comfortable for more than five minutes. “Despite your lackluster teenage view of yourself,” she says, “I have to think you wouldn’t waste your time now with someone who wasn’t worth it.”
I shrug, grateful to know Teddy and to have a sounding board that isn’t my mother—who it seems is pro-Rowan at all times.
“He was always a great guy, that’s why it never made sense. He was constantly at my house with Jacob and he never treated me like I was an outcast. But after that I had to get away from him. The summer after senior year I left for university. I was only home from school for a year before Jacob died, and when he did, I knew I had to get out of here. That’s when I moved to Seattle, met Troy, and you know the rest from there.”
“Something just doesn’t add up, and”—Teddy looks at me in thought—“I never want to hear you talk about yourself like you aren’t enough again.”
I raise a hand in defense. “Speaking in past tense. I was an insecure kid then, you know I embrace who I am now, curves, crazy hair, and all,” I say with a wink.
“Good, I was about to have to”—she holds a fist up, narrowing her eyes like she’s about to clock me—“tickle you.”
I laugh at her Momglish.
“You have to hear his explanation out, Vi.” She sets down her empty glass on the end table.
“I think the last few days since he’s been in the hospital, he’s been trying. It’s me who’s hesitating…”
Teddy looks out the front window at the trees swaying in the early summer breeze.
“Maybe he was just a kid who made a mistake? Maybe there’s more to it than him using you…maybe it has to do with you, but maybe it’s not about him or you.” She runs a hand over her very large baby bump. “The only way you’ll ever know is by letting him explain. Of course, that means you’d have to admit he really hurt you and that you care enough to listen.”
I blink in thought. “That’s the hard part. I have this habit of brushing things under the rug. And I’ve definitely done that here. I buried it, but never really got closure. I don’t know if that makes sense.”
“Things aren’t always what they seem, Vi,” she says wisely. “And you can’t truly get over things until you face them.”
I shake my head. “I don’t know why I can’t get him out of my head. I don’t even know him anymore. This is twelfth grade all over again.”
“Because you like him. That much is clear,” Teddy offers.
I shake my head. “I can’t like him. I follow a strict rule. I don’t date hotshots. Namely because the idea of getting close to someone who risks their life everyday by just going to work is too close to trauma I’ve already lived through. Add in that he didn’t care about me and he hurt me once already? He’s a double threat…” I trail off.
She nods, understanding all too well the risks that come with getting close to someone with a dangerous job.
“I get it, but, Vi, I have to say… for a guy who never cared about you, he sure seems to be making an effort.”
The doorbell rings before I can answer her and I’m grateful for the distraction to just think.
“Pizza!” Dalton cries and the girls cheer. I get up and answer the door while Teddy gets the kids paper plates to eat from and gets them all situated at the kitchen table with drinks and napkins. We sit at my kitchen island.
“This is the last thing I’ll say. People change, they make mistakes. I haven’t really known you too long, Vi, but I can tell by the way you look all gooey when you talk about him that you owe it to yourself to see if you can forgive him.” She takes a bite.
“I don’t look gooey,” I say defensively.
“Total goo fest.” Teddy giggles with her mouth full. “Let me ask you this, is there tension between you? The good kind?”
I narrow my eyes at her.
“What? This is the only drama I’ve got going right now, aside from the daily fights over snacks or dinner.” She giggles.
I blow out a breath and think back on how he looks at me, like no time has passed and it feels just like the time we spent together?—
“So, that’s a yes,” Teddy says, standing up to grab another slice of pizza with a knowing grin.
I shoot her a haughty look for busting me daydreaming.
“I don’t date hotshots.”
Teddy laughs and rolls her eyes, swallowing the last of her drink.
“Yeah, you said that already. Got yourself convinced yet?”