Chapter 51
“How have we let this happen?” Cal asks, leaning his hands on the edge of the pool table as he shakes his head.
I look at Scottie and grin. She winks and raises her beer in salute. We just kicked their asses for the second time at snooker, and since they’re technically on call we’re drinking and they’re not—which makes it even funnier. I wouldn’t normally, but after Hollie and Rowan’s little bonding moment I needed a drink. Hollie is getting attached to him and already worries about him fighting fires, even at her young age, which just serves to fuel my anxiety around the subject.
“Best three of five? Or are you boys ready to admit defeat?” Scottie asks Cal. He chuckles at her.
“As always, Vi, you’re playing dirty,” Rowan says with a furrowed brow. He doesn’t like to lose any more than I do, especially in front of half his crew, but so far, he’s been a good sport about Scottie and I pulling out all the stops. Bending over in front of our men when they’re ready to take their shot, or when Cal just went to sink an easy shot that could’ve won them the game and Scottie leaned down on the pool table on her elbows, offering him a good view down her v neck T-shirt. Needless to say, he missed.
“I don’t have a clue what you mean. I grew up in this pub, I’m just good at pool. I’m sorry but you guys never stood a chance.” I look at them both with a look of mock pity.
“Why doesn’t it work if we bend over in front of them?” Cal mutters to Rowan.
“I think they’re ready to admit defeat,” I affirm.
Scottie tips her head back and laughs. “Whaddya say, boys? Should I wrack ’em up? We’ll play fair this time. Scouts’ honor.” She holds her first two fingers up.
“Nah, I’m not getting sucked into that trap, I’ve had enough humiliation for one night. Let’s get some food. You two were over an hour late for some reason, so you missed nachos.” Cal chuckles, wrapping his pinky finger around Scottie’s as he calls Rowan and I out.
Scottie follows close beside him and makes her way past us to the tables we’ve pushed together where eight other hotshots from their crew sit. But when she passes by me, she holds a hand up to her mouth and whispers, “Chicken shit.”
I begin to laugh with her just as I feel two strong arms wrap around me from behind. Rowan leans down and kisses my neck. “I know we haven’t officially told everyone how crazy you are about me yet,” he says. “But you were already tempting me in these fucking painted on jeans, add in kicking my ass like a sexy little pool assassin, and I’m about to pull you into the stock closet.” I reach my hand up and push his face off my shoulder in a giggle.
“Oh, baby. All I’m hearing is that you just admitted you lost.”
Rowan tips his head down and kisses me. “Call me that again,” he says into my lips.
“Okay, baby,” I murmur with a grin, spinning out of his arms and taking his hand.
When we reach the table it’s full of animated chatter. Opp, Dixon, and Roycie have some local girls sitting with them, and Xander is in deep discussion with the local sheriff at the table behind ours.
“I don’t think I can clean another piece of equipment or run another drill for one more second,” Opp says. “It’s fucking June, we should be in the field.”
“I feel like I’ve been out of the game for months after missing the last few rolls,” Rowan says, leaning back in his chair.
“Don’t worry, we’ll hold your hand on the next one, King,” Caleb says with a smirk, not even looking up from his phone, Rowan tosses a fry at him. Caleb doesn’t miss a beat. He picks it up from where it landed on the table and stuffs it into his mouth
“Thanks for the free food, bitch.” He chuckles. The table laughs but I gulp back the feeling of dread that I’ve been telling myself for weeks I wouldn’t let out. I pick at the label of my beer as they talk about the crew that came in from Missouri to help on the last fire in Wyoming.
Rowan must sense my worry with my silence because he leans in a little closer and settles his broad palm on my thigh under the table.
“This is where we’re headed,” Dixon says, raising his half-eaten wing to the TV hanging on the wall behind me. I turn to look and notice the local news is playing footage of a fire close to home near Knox Mountain just at the edge of town, it just started in the early hours of this morning.
“Such a fucking shame,” Dixon mutters taking in the burning mountainside.
“Oh shit, I’m coming for you, mama.” Caleb points his fry to the TV. “Haven’t fought a beast this close to home in ages.”
“Sup says it’s gonna be a rager, says he’ll be surprised if we aren’t called out there by tomorrow,” Roycie adds.
They all seem excited to get out there, but something else is happening to me. The familiar weight is sitting on my chest and suddenly I feel like I can’t take a deep enough breath.
I look up at Rowan because even though the entire table seems to know this threat was a possibility, he hasn’t mentioned it to me, not once today. I do my best to smile up at him, but fail. He sets his beer down.
“We’ll be safe,” he says quietly.
I nod, and he squeezes my thigh. I do my best to join the conversation over the next half hour as I drink the rest of my beer, but I keep getting distracted by the footage on the TV, playing the fire news that is way too close for comfort. I know about triggers, I understand the concept of them, but I don’t think I’ve ever really felt one crash into me quite like this until I focused on the flames on that damn screen and the weight sitting on my chest intensified.
I watch in what feels like slow motion as Xander stands from a few tables over and hangs up his phone.
“All right, just got the call, boys. Time to wrap this shit up, we’re headed for Knox.”
Conversation around me halts with his words.
“We report ASAP. Pack up and head out, let’s meet at base in an hour.”
I know that Knox is only twenty minutes away and if it’s spreading as fast as they say, there will be a layer of ash on my porch by morning.
Heat begins crawling up my throat. Rowan will be fine; it won’t be like Jacob, I tell myself to calm down. This is another day’s problem. Breathe, Violette.
He will be like my dad. My dad came home safe every time. Get it together, I will myself, trying to breathe.
I’ve had time to process this, I walked into this. I knew this day would come, and yet as prepared as I thought I was, I could never anticipate how I’d feel the moment Xander said they were going. White hot fear creeps up the back of my neck and no matter how hard I try to stop it, it keeps coming for me. My fingers start to tingle and I feel lightheaded. I glance at the blaze consuming the west side of the mountain at the edge of town and I brace myself.
What am I doing? This is why I shouldn’t be dating a hotshot. This is why I shouldn’t be letting myself fall for a hotshot.
I stand and look around the table, my eyes landing on Rowan last. “I’ll be right back,” I say softly, but I haven’t even finished the words before I’m moving.
I don’t want him to see me like this. It’s not fair to him. I need to be brave for him.
My palms are sweating, and I feel almost dizzy as I get to the long hallway that leads to the restrooms. I bend down and rest my palms on my knees, trying and struggling to take a deep breath but it doesn’t come. Static starts to line my vision.
I hear Rowan speak, but his voice has an echo around it as I look up at him. He doesn’t hesitate. He drops to his knees in front of me.
“Vi…fuck, love. I’m here, baby, I’m here.”
“Okay, baby, sit down, I need you to do two things for me, okay?”
She nods, still struggling to breathe. “It’s okay,” she pants, “it’s…another day’s problem?—”
“I need you to take a deep breath through your nose and exhale through your mouth. Can you do that for me?” I tell her, ignoring her rambling. She’s clearly having a panic attack and she doesn’t want me to know.
Violette nods, listening and doing her best to breathe deeply. “Now, I want you to focus on my words. Take another breath and then tell me three things you can hear.” I rub her shoulder gently and she tries to take one. “Good girl,” I tell her, wondering how many times this has happened to her before. I could see it all over her face the moment Sup announced we were heading out.
“I hear the sound of a pool cue breaking a rack,” she manages to say.
“Good girl. Another breath now,” I continue, doing my best to distract her long enough to stay with me. “Hear that Keith Urban song they never stop playing in here?” I ask. “What’s it called?”
The hint of a smile spreads over her beautiful lips as she nods. “Blue,” she answers as she takes another breath.
I hear Opp laugh, his deep methodic laugh. “Hear that chucklehead laughing?”
“Yes,” Violette answers, speaking steadily for the first time.
Relief washes over me.
“Good, that’s it, Vi, another breath. Okay, now let’s focus on three things you can see.”
Violette looks around, her eyes land on a chip in the wood floor in front of me, the neon signs in the hall that says Buck over the men’s room and Doe over the ladies, my hands over hers. I don’t need her to tell me what she sees as long as I know she’s looking.
“Good, one more breath and then try to tell me three things you can feel.”
She breathes deeper this time; the pink I love returning to her face. She looks down to my hand on her thigh. “You,” she says, followed by, “this floor is uncomfortable to sit on, and sticky.”
I chuckle and squeeze her hand, keeping my thumb over the pulse in her wrist. Her heart rate is almost normal now.
“Good, Vi, that’s it. How do you feel now?” I ask.
She takes a breath, this time like it’s actually filling her lungs.
“The ringing in my ears is gone, so…better,” she says.
I tuck a piece of hair behind her ear and lean in to kiss her on the forehead.
“That’s my girl,” I say as she brings in another deep breath.
“Has that ever happened to you before? Vi, you just had a panic attack.”
She nods and worry lines her face. “It used to happen all the time after Jacob died. I’d dream about him and wake up in a cold sweat. It stopped after a while.”
“What did you do to make it stop? What helped?” I ask
“I moved away and promised myself I would never get close to a hotshot again.” Her eyes turn up to mine, and I realize what she’s saying without saying it.
A hotshot like me.
I don’t acknowledge it because I’m not prepared to have that conversation, not when I have to leave her to go to fight this fire for God knows how long.
“I didn’t intentionally keep the possibility of us going out on this fire from you,” I tell her, wanting to be totally clear with her on that.
“I know,” she retorts simply.
“I just didn’t want to worry you until it was set in stone. I know this is hard for you, Vi. I know it brings it all back—the worry, the fear.”
Violette looks down at her palms, tears in her eyes.
“I thought I could do this,” she whispers, and now this time, it’s me who’s filled with panic. Because I can tell by her tone that she’s protecting herself, and that she might be trying to run before she can get hurt. Well, I’m not having that, protecting her is my job.
“Vi, this is extra hard because it’s the first one I’ve been called to since this started between us and since I was hurt. Hell, even I’m a little nervous if I’m being honest.”
More than a little nervous.
“But I know the moment I get out there it will all come back to me. I have a lot of training, I’m going to rely on that, especially after my injury. And I can promise you that I will do everything in my power to make sure it doesn’t happen again. But, Vi, that’s all I can offer you because the truth is, it could. I won’t lie to you and say it won’t happen again.”
“I would never want that promise,” she says, surprising me. “I know, logically, that you’ll probably go off to this fire and be okay.” She takes another deep breath. “I just can’t help it. I cling to these deep feelings and anxieties that I’ve never really let myself admit to because it’s too painful.”
I set my jaw and listen, the idea of her in pain torturing me.
“It’s the fear of something happening to you.” A tear spills over her cheek, and I instinctively reach out and brush it off her cheek. “Rowan, Jacob was my best friend. He was the only person who knew what our house was like when we were curled up with our parents watching TV when we were young, or what Christmas morning sounded like, the way my mom would always turn on the fireplace channel and hum Christmas music as she handed out presents,” she says, lost in a memory.
Fucking hell.
I bring her right into my arms. “I’m here, love, let it out,” I whisper into her hair as a sob escapes her throat.
“He was the one I went to when my dad was in the field and I was petrified that he wouldn’t come home.”
I stroke her hair and fight back the sting at the bridge of my own nose.
“I wasn’t ready for him to go. I wasn’t prepared. The last time I saw him, he told me that when he came back, he'd help me build my new bookshelves. I didn’t even hug him. I was on the phone and he just stood in my door and waved.” She looks up at me and wears a look of instant regret, knowing my last vision of him was a lot worse than hers.
“I’m sorry. I can’t even imagine your memory of the last time you saw him,” she whispers. I grip both sides of her face as I speak, stroking her cheek with my thumb.
“Vi, I’ve had three years of talking to someone to help me deal with that and I still think about it every single day.”
Almost every time I close my eyes, but you and Hollie make that better.
“You did the right thing and got help. I didn’t. I ran,” she whispers like she’s admitting that to herself for the first time.
“You did what you had to do to cope. We all did.” I swipe a piece of hair off her forehead and kiss her there.
“It’s never too late to talk to someone, never too late to deal with those ghosts,” I tell her. “I’ll help you anyway I can.”
Just don’t push me away, please don’t push me away.
“The fear is inevitable, Vi, but so are we, we’re in this together.”
Violette looks up at me, her eyes look different, hardened. Reserved, even.
“I can breathe now, thank you,” she says. She begins to stand and I rise with her, helping her. She looks at me in a way I instantly hate. With a fake sort of smile that says she’s about to pull away from me. “This is a problem for another day, I don’t want you to leave to fight a fire like this,” she whispers.
“You said that already, but, Vi”—I stroke her cheek—“how long has it been a problem for another day? “
She looks down at her boots and her answer is barely audible. “A really long time.”
Fuck, she’s breaking my heart.
“Maybe it’s time to make these feelings a ‘today’ problem?” She nods and fights more tears. “I promise I’ll be there to help you every step of the way.” It’s all I can offer her.
I bend down to kiss the top of her head as she nods.
“I can’t change this, Vi, this isn’t just what I do. Just like you’re called to be a nurse and a mom, it’s who I am?—”
“I don’t want you to change,” she says quickly. “I love that you’re a hotshot, Rowan. I just don’t know if I’m prepared to handle the constant risk of losing you. I know it’s shitty to say that now, but I think I was in denial that it would happen. I just can’t lose anyone else.” She lets go of my hand and I ache to bring her into my arms.
“There you are, bro—” Opp says as he rounds the corner.
“You okay, Little T? Scottie offered to take you home,” he tells her.
“I’m taking her,” I say firmly.
Opp nods and Violette pats him on the shoulder. “Be safe, Opp.”
“Always,” Opp replies, ruffling her hair. “Don’t worry, girl, we’ll bring him back,” he says, nudging me, probably more serious than I’ve ever seen him.
Violette smiles at him but something is off, and it settles with me deep in my gut. I won’t let her run this time.
The drive to Violette’s is way too quick and when I pull up outside her door, there are a million things running through my head,
I don’t want to leave you either, but I have to.
You and Hollie are the brightest part of my life now.
It’s not my fate to die out there, you are my fate.
Violette turns to me and I can tell she’s doing everything she can to make it seem like she’s strong, ready for me to go.
“Don’t forget your pig, I’ll tell Hollie you have it.”
“Give her a hug for me, tell her I’m sorry I’ll miss Wednesday’s new episode,” I say, feeling choked up myself. Just over a month of Violette being back in my life and the whole thing is turned upside down.
Violette nods and then leans over to kiss my cheek. I unbuckle my seatbelt and turn, wrapping my arms around her. I kiss her full on the lips, reminding her what we have and why she shouldn’t be afraid. She kisses me back, but it’s a kiss that feels like forever and goodbye, all at the same time. I can’t help myself.
“I love you, Violette…” I whisper. “I love you so goddamn much it physically hurts me to leave you. But I promise, right this moment, that I will never leave to fight another fire without telling you that before I go, even if you’re not ready to say it back, even if it takes you ten more seasons.”
Violette sucks in a breath and her eyes fill with tears as she backs away. Maybe I’ve pushed her too far, but, fuck, she has to know.
“Just come home, Rowan.” She gulps back more tears with a small smile. “And maybe it will be the first thing I say to you when you do,” she says in a whisper. Squeezing my hand one last time as a tear spills over her cheek, she’s out the door, leaving me feeling like I could put my fist through something with the amount of frustration I have from leaving her and the pull from the need I feel to do my job. I want to run after her and tell her I’ll stay with her, but I can’t.
“Fuck,” I say under my breath as I slam a hand on the steering wheel, giving one last glance to her door before taking a breath and then forcing myself to drive away.
I have no choice. This fire is in our backyard. I will protect this town, and I will protect my girls.
“You gotta tell her,” Cal says, clapping my shoulder forty-five minutes later when we’re packing up the trucks.
“What?”
“Little T, you gotta tell her you love her. She needs to know, but first you have to fully admit it to yourself.”
My brow furrows as I think. “I have admitted it. I did tell her, and I know she loves me too, but she has years of trauma surrounding Jacob’s death. She’s only been home a couple months, and all her fears came to a head tonight.”
“You’re right though, she definitely does love you too.” Cal looks at me. “Always has.”
“How can you be so sure?”
“Because the only reason she’d push back like this is if the thought of losing you was too much for her to handle. And you don’t have those kinds of feelings for someone you don’t love with your whole heart.”
I nod and scrub my jaw with a little chuckle.
“Christ, when the fuck did you get so philosophical?” I ask him with a chuckle.
“Rom-com 101, bro.” Cal smiles wide.
“Now, let’s do this fucking thing right so you can come home and tell the woman you love that you love her over and over until she gets sick of you, yeah?” He turns with another laugh and moves to the next truck to help pack it up. His words register, along with everything I’ve been feeling.
Instead of thinking of all the things that can go wrong, I think of coming home to her and Hollie, and coming home to more babies one day. Lazy Sunday mornings making my girls breakfast, stolen moments tangled up with Violette in our bedsheets, not wanting to come up for air.
This is love, the deepest kind. The kind that’s always been there, just under the surface smoldering for ten years, waiting for the spark to breathe life into it again. A love I never let go of. A love that shaped me.
I fucking love Violette so goddamn much it hurts, and I love Hollie. They’re my future and telling her that tonight was right. This affirmation is the boost I need to finish packing up because the moment I get home, I’m going to tell her that even when she tries to push me away, I’ll be there, waiting for her to come around. Because that’s what I owe her, to always come home and to always be her safe space.
I pull the Power Piggy Hollie gave me for good luck to the top of my pack hoping it offers some.
“See you soon, Hols,” I whisper, patting the top of the pig’s head.
“Y’all packed up here?” Sup asks, seemingly appearing out of nowhere.
“Yes, Sup,” I tell him, heading to board the buggie with most of the crew.
I look out the window as the Sky Ridge town limits pass us by and we head for the mountain.
Now, all I gotta do is make it through this beast.