Chapter 40
Ian
The flashing lights are blinding. My ears are muffled. I can’t make out everything that’s being said to me as I run behind the paramedics as they wheel an unconscious Maggie out of my house.
“Sir, you can’t ride with her. You can meet us at Vanderbilt.”
“No! I need to go with her.”
The paramedic pushes me back as I try to climb inside. “Please, sir. Not to be blunt, but we need the space to save her life, and I can’t have you in the way.”
A sob rips from my chest. “Go. Save her. Please.”
With a curt nod, he slams the door. Seconds later, the ambulance is speeding down my street, lights and sirens blaring through the night.
From beside me, I hear, “We need to ask you some questions.”
“Not now,” I bark at the police officer who sidles up to me as I watch the love of my life being taken away from me. “I’m going to the hospital. You can ask me questions there.”
I pivot on my heels and start to head inside my house to get a shirt, shoes, and my keys. I only had sweats on when I found Maggie in the kitchen. As I glance down, my stomach sinks, and fresh tears spring to my eyes. My once grey sweatpants are stained bright red.
“Mr. Murray, you have to talk to me.”
Spinning around, I step into the officer. “Listen here, you inconsiderate piece of shit—” A firm hand pushes against my bare chest, and I stumble backwards. “What the fuck?”
My friend, Carlos, steps between me and the police officer.
“Ian, go grab your shit and get to the hospital. I’ve already texted the guys and called the hospital to let them know Maggie’s husband is on the way.”
The officer protests from behind Carlos. “Detective Martinez, you can’t just—”
Carlos turns away from me and cuts off the officer. I take the opportunity to sprint inside. I’ve wasted too much time. I need to get to Maggie.
Fifteen minutes later, I burst through the emergency room doors. And as soon as I’m through security, I hurry to the front desk. “Ma’am, an ambulance just brought in a stabbing victim. She’s my wife. I need to know where she is. A detective already called to tell you I was on my way.”
The woman at the front desk nods. “Yes, I was told to expect you. Let me check on where she is.”
I appreciate her no-nonsense attitude. I don’t think I could handle someone who looked at me with pity and sadness. I might lose it.
“I’m going to make a phone call. I want to make sure I send you to the right place. I don’t think she is still down here.”
“Thank you.”
I cross my arms and pace the length of the waiting room, praying to the universe that she is okay.
But there was so much blood.
My hand covers my mouth, fingertips digging into my cheeks. I drop into one of the chairs, and my elbows go to my knees. Head swirling, I fight dizziness as my body is losing the battle of the drop in adrenaline.
“Ian?” Jack’s voice jolts me upright.
I stand on shaky legs, and he’s by my side, gripping my forearm. “Sit back down before we have to check you in, too.” His voice is softer than I think I’ve ever heard it. His eyes search my face, concern he’s attempting to disguise clearly evident.
I lower back into the chair, and he sits next to me.
“What the fuck happened?”
I shake my head as I slouch back. “Maggie was stabbed. She said it was her ex.” Bolting up straight, I gesture aggressively. “How the fuck did he get out of jail?”
“I don’t know, man. Let’s just focus on Maggie. Have you gotten an update?”
“No, they’re checking.”
“Alright, I’ll be right back.”
My head drops back and bangs against the wall, eyes closing.
Rubbing my chest, my heart thuds inside, and I have never hated it more.
How fair is it for my heart to keep beating when I have no idea if Maggie’s is doing the same?
I don’t deserve this heartbeat. Or the breath in my lungs.
I’m fucked up. I’ve killed people. I’ve gotten people killed.
I couldn’t save my mom from being murdered.
What kind of backwards world do we live in that karma didn’t take me out instead of her?
My eyes pop open.
What if this is my karma? What if the universe gave me someone so wonderful and so perfect for me to make me more hopeful and happier than I’ve ever felt in my life, only to rip it away from me in the most brutal way?
So that I would have to live with the memory of the love of my life bleeding out in my arms because I didn’t do enough to protect her?
Living seems so much worse than death.
I’m unsure if it is the adrenaline crash or what, but all the emotions that had been ripping through my body start to fade, and I just start to feel…numb.
“She’s in surgery. They’re going to come get us in just a few minutes to take us up to the waiting room.”
I roll my head on the wall to look at Jack. His assessing and unsettled gaze bores into me.
“There was so much blood.”
Jack sits down, leans forward, and clasps his hands between his widespread knees. “Carlos told me it was bad.”
I stare up at the dirty ceiling tiles again and try to take a full breath. “I didn’t know what to do. I just keep putting pressure on her stomach, but I don’t know how much that actually helped.”
Jack looks back at me, brow furrowed. “You did all you could, man. And you were right by her side. That’s all that matters right now.”
“I think this was my fault,” I practically whisper.
Jack whips his head in my direction. “How could this possibly be your fault?”
My eyes squeeze shut, as if that could erase all the memories of the last hour.
My mind moves to happier ones from earlier in the evening.
Maggie telling me she loves me. Us having the best sex we’ve ever had when we got home from the wedding.
My eyes fly open when a thought occurs to me that makes my blood run cold and bile threaten to leave my stomach.
Voice haunted, I confess, “I don’t think I set the alarm when we got home. ”
With a sad shake of his head, he says, “Ian, you cannot blame yourself. If he wanted to do this, he would find the opportunity. The way I see it, thank goodness it was done at your house. Because you were there in minutes and were able to get her help. Think what could’ve happened if you weren’t with her. ”
I roll my lips inward and bite down, wanting to cause any amount of pain to myself to maybe take away some of Maggie’s. I appreciate Jack’s words, but the guilt and devastation I feel make it hard for me to accept them.
“Excuse me, is one of you Ian Murray?”
Both Jack and I leap to our feet. The nurse’s confused gaze darts back and forth.
I raise my hand. “Uh, that’s me.”
Confusion is replaced with a grim smile. “Come on with me. Your friend can come, too. Once we get your wife more stabilized, a doctor will come to the waiting room and give you an update.”
Jack bumps my elbow with his as we follow her through the doors. He mouths Wife?
I shrug, not wanting to explain the white lie in front of the nurse taking us upstairs. None of us says a word for the rest of the trek through the hospital to the surgery waiting room.
When we arrive, she gestures to a small room after walking us down a long hall.
“Here we go. Just have a seat in here. There’s coffee, water, and a few snacks in the room next door.
” She points to the door to the left of the waiting room.
“I can’t tell you exactly when a doctor will be out, but as soon as they’re able, they’ll come talk to you. ”
I manage a nod of gratitude and enter the room, taking a seat and resuming the position I was in just a few minutes before, with my head tipped back against the wall.
“Do you want a coffee?” Jack asks.
My eyes are closed. I don’t open them. I just shake my head.
The fading thud of his footsteps is the only sound, making the answering quiet even more ominous. The air feels heavy and foreboding.
“Mr. Murray?”
My eyes open, and I lift my head to find a doctor dressed in scrubs with a light blue surgical cap covering her hair. With my heartbeat racing all over again, my stomach churns with anxiety. This moment feels both surreal and the most significant one I’ll ever face for the rest of my life.
I start to stand, but she waves, indicating I can stay sitting. She walks over to me and sits in the chair next to me just as Jack steps into the room. He hovers by the door.
The doctor smiles at Jack and looks back at me. “I’m assuming he’s with you. Is it okay if I speak freely in front of him?”
“Yes. Please, I need to know.” My voice doesn’t even sound like my own. It sounds like it’s being ripped from the depths of hell, which is fitting since that’s where I think I might be.
The doctor sighs. “I don’t want to sugarcoat this, Mr. Murray.
It isn’t looking good for your wife. We’re doing everything we can, and she’s stable.
But the next few hours will be telling as to her prognosis.
” Her expression grows more solemn. “If the surgery is successful, her recovery will be long and painful.”
My eyes burn, my inhale uneven. “I don’t care. I just need her to live.”
She stands with a nod. “We’re doing our best to make that happen.”
“Thank you, Doctor.”
Once she leaves, Jack walks over to me and squeezes my shoulder as he takes the seat the doctor just left vacant.
I need to do something.
Taking action will help restore the control I feel I’ve lost completely. I retrieve my phone from my pocket.
Me: We need to fucking talk.
Seconds later, my phone vibrates in my hand.
Franklin: I’m already booked on the first flight out of Chicago.
The grip on my phone tightens, fear and fury blurring my vision. Spiraling isn’t going to be what gets me through the next few hours, so I tap into the part of me that’s been long dormant, that allows me to shut off every emotion.
No matter what happens, Maggie needs me to stay strong, even if I feel anything but.