Chapter 4 #2
“Before we get our service started today, let us pray,” Pastor Harriet announced, while her husband, Pastor Michael, sat in the chair behind her, looking on with a sense of pride.
We bowed our heads, and the prayer commenced. Pastor Harriet stood up there delivering a powerful sermon on the weight of expectations. Then she made it personal, and I was locked in, wishing my parents were here to receive the message.
“As many of you know, tomorrow will make it four years since we lost my eldest daughter, Regina, to intimate partner violence. This is my yearly reminder that we must do a better job of ensuring that we are creating a safe space for our children. Our children should feel comfortable coming to their parents without judgment, no matter what may be going on. My daughter was engaging in a secret lesbian relationship because she feared judgment from me and her father,” Pastor Harriet detailed, pausing to glance at her husband, who nodded for encouragement.
“That relationship was violent, and we knew nothing about it because Regina feared judgment. God does not stand over us with a clipboard, and we should give our children the same respect. Guide them with love and without judgment. Make your presence a place they run to, not one they feel the need to hide from. If you grew up in church and felt more judged than loved… I am sorry.”
Every word resonated within me, making me feel seen and heard.
My emotions boiled over, and a few silent tears streamed down my right cheek.
I felt Rashawn reach up and gently wipe my tears away while placing his hand on top of mine.
My throat tightened, and I pursed my lips together, puffing out my cheeks in an effort to fight the deep sobs that wanted to escape me.
The collection plate made its way to our row, and Rashawn removed his hand from mine to drop some money in the wicker basket.
“God is not disappointed in you. He has not forsaken you!” Pastor Harriet continued, and I broke. My spirit shattered into a million jagged pieces, each one quietly falling back into place as I sat in the pews, tears streaming down my face.
“Preach, Pastor Harriet!”
“Come on, somebody!”
The congregation roared in agreement, shouting, clapping, and hollering, their voices rising in a powerful chorus that aided in lifting my broken spirit.
Ms. Sasha took notice and consoled me. I knew it was killing Rashawn not to be the person who rubbed my back and held me close while I worked through my emotions.
My heart swelled when Ms. Sasha pulled me into her bosom and rocked me like a baby.
That pushed me further over the edge because I’d never experienced that level of affection from my own parents.
I tuned out the rest of the church service, allowing my low sobs to consume me while I thought about my life.
Ms. Sasha was so loving and encouraging, the way she whispered positive affirmations to me.
An hour later, the service ended, and I made a beeline to the bathroom to get myself together.
I was thankful I didn’t have time to do my makeup before picking Ms. Sasha up.
A little water on my face and a coat of gloss on my lips had me looking and feeling rejuvenated.
My mask was back in position, my back was straightened, and I held my head high as I exited the bathroom.
When I exited the church, cars were maneuvering around the parking lot, and I spotted Ms. Sasha and Rashawn talking to a woman in a dark green dress off to the side of the steps. The woman was all teeth, and I quickly found out why when I got within earshot.
“Rashawn, this is Carmen. Carmen, this is my son Rashawn. Carmen is single and ready to settle down. I showed her your pictures once before, and now you guys can finally meet,” Ms. Sasha encouraged.
“Sista Sasha,” someone called her name across the parking lot, and her attention was quickly diverted. “You guys can get to know each other. Let me go see what Sista Michelle is hollering about.”
She took off in the direction that her name was called. I continued on the path towards Rashawn and the beautiful woman in the green dress.
“Well, this is awkward,” Carmen muttered.
“Rashawn, it’s so good to see you at church again.
Your mama told me you got off that dope and were sober now.
That’s great to see. Addiction is a lifelong battle.
You know this church offers an amazing AA and NA meeting,” I greeted him with a bright smile.
Once I was positioned beside Rashawn, I turned to Carmen.
“Oh, who is your friend?”
“Oh, ummm, excuse me. I think I hear my sister calling,” Carmen sputtered, rushing across the pavement, her heels clicking the entire way.
“You ain’t even have to do all of that. I was about to send her on her way,” Rashawn laughed. “I was about to politely decline and tell her my mama was trippin’.”
“Next time move quicker,” I snapped.
“Please, you need to be the last one talking about moving quicker. You see that bible you are holding on to? I bought you that four years ago. I been waiting for you to be ready longer than that. You need to move quicker,” he complained.
I zipped my lips and started my trek towards my truck.
“Elise! Rashawn!” Ms. Sasha shouted my name from across the parking lot. I turned in Ms. Sasha’s direction, placing my hand above my face to shield the sun. “I’m going to Red Lobster with a few of the ladies. Would you two like to join us?”
“No thank you. I’m going to my brother’s house. His wife’s family is in town, and they are cooking over there,” I advised her.
“And I’m definitely not about to listen to you and your friends lecture me about getting married and starting a family for the rest of the day,” Rashawn declined.
“Well, seeing as though you and Sista Carmen didn’t hit it off, I might just need to throw in the towel. Grow old and alone then,” Ms. Sasha rolled her eyes before embracing me in a hug.
“I always got you, ma,” he beamed before wrapping her up in a hug.
“You outlive your parents’ son,” she insisted.
“I hear you,” he nodded.
Ms. Sasha strutted back across the parking lot to the awaiting car. We continued to the back of the parking lot and hopped into our respective trucks without further conversation. As soon as I turned my truck on and put the AC on full blast to cool it down, the name Kenny flashed across my screen.
“For real, bae, you alright? Do you want to come back to the crib for a little while before you go to Essex’s house?” he questioned, trailing me out of the parking lot.
“No, I’m fine. Your mom gave me all of the hugs I didn’t know I needed.”
“Damn, so my hugs all weekend didn’t mean shit?”
“No,” I chortled. “I appreciate your hugs very much, but it’s just different coming from your mom. It’s motherly. While your hugs are a form of intimacy and comfort from my lover.”
My phone beeped in my ear. I pulled it away and saw it was the athletic director calling.
“I have to click over, Rashawn. Oh, and you looked delectable today,” I complimented.
“Thank you, bae,” he replied, and I could hear the smile through the phone before we ended the call.
I clicked over and had a brief conversation with the athletic director about the schedule for the upcoming week before completing the rest of my drive in silence.
While alone, I went back to thinking about Pastor Harriet’s sermon.
I had to stop judging myself for the mistakes I’ve made in my past as well.
We pulled up to Essex’s house right behind each other. His driveway was full, leaving us to park on the street.
“Why do we have to keep up this facade for another few weeks?” Rashawn questioned, jogging over to me. “It’s been nine months, and I haven’t given you any reason to think I’mma fold. What will be different in a few weeks that will suddenly make you ready to publicly go all in?”
“We had a deal, Rashawn. If you love me like you say you do, then you’ll wait and allow me that time. Plus, didn’t you just turn me down for sex Friday night? You wanted to wait right? So wait. Why are you bringing that up right here? Right now?” I interrogated, growing more frustrated.
“I’m asking because of that sermon and the way it made you feel. But I love you, so I’m willing to wait. You love me or you still want to beef with me about Friday night?”
“Ask me in a few weeks when you are ready to give up some strokes,” I snipped lowly as Essex came into view.
Rashawn abruptly stopped walking, his large hand planted on my shoulder, giving it a firm squeeze.
I cut my eyes at Rashawn, prepared to swat his hand away, but the anguish on his face made my heart palpitate.
His mouth was wide open, showing every veneer in his mouth.
I noticed his chest heaved like he was struggling to breathe.
“Rashawn, are you okay?” I panicked, unsure of what to do for him.
His tall frame tumbled over, and I shrieked. “Oh my God!” I kneeled beside Rashawn, my knees colliding with the cement.
“What happened?” Essex questioned, sprinting over to us in the middle of the sidewalk.
“I don’t know. He was holding his chest! It seems like he couldn’t breathe. Maybe he’s having a heart attack!” I fretted; all of the emergency medical and safety training vanished from my brain the moment it counted most.
“My heart… Elise shot a dagger through my heart, Essex. She’s strumming my pain with her fingers,” he sang before his pained expression morphed into an amused one.
“Rashawn!” I huffed, roughly nudging his shoulder. I snatched my purse from the ground and stormed off, leaving Essex to deal with that fool. If I stuck around, I might’ve went off about him rolling around like that in the outfit I bought him.
“Nigga, get yo silly ass up. What, you went to church this morning?” I heard Essex behind me.
My feet didn’t stop moving until I walked through the foyer. I still felt the adrenaline coursing through me from Rashawn’s cruel joke.