Chapter 43
Zane
I was on the couch, pouring my second glass of bourbon when the doorbell rang. It was probably another of Mom’s deliveries. I swore she got more stuff delivered here than she did at her own house.
The liquor was to help me forget what I’d just done. Beer would have been my normal choice, but I needed something quicker to erase the stink of failure I felt. I never should have allowed myself to get close to Peyton.
The bourbon hadn’t affected me enough yet. I knew easily that close was the wrong word. I’d fallen in love with my angel, the woman I had to protect by pushing her away. It was my duty. Duty fucking sucked today.
I was a fucking SEAL before anything else, and a SEAL always puts the welfare of others ahead of his own. A SEAL’s word was his bond, and I’d promised her I’d keep her safe, which now meant keeping her away from me.
I ignored the burn and drained the glass in my hand before going to the door to get the damned package before the porch pirates struck.
One of these days, I swore I was going to set up one of those exploding dye packages to catch the fucker who’s twice gotten to my deliveries ahead of me.
Maybe I’d add skunk spray to the package as well. That would serve the fucker right.
When I yanked the door open, it wasn’t a delivery.
“We have to talk,” Peyton said firmly as she rushed past me and into the house.
I pivoted and left the door open. “We talked. There’s nothing more to say. You shouldn’t be here.”
Spying the coffee table, she walked over, picked up my bottle and waved it. “Really? Afternoon drinking?”
I followed her. “I can drink whenever I want.” I yanked it out of her grasp and took a gulp straight from the bottle.
“A man once told me there were only two reasons to drink to excess. Either to celebrate or to forget, so which is your reason?”
If I wanted to be mean, I could say to celebrate being done with guarding her, but I knew I couldn’t pull off that lie. “If your only reason for being here is to annoy me, you’ve succeeded and can leave.” I pointed at the door.
Instead, she sat down on the couch. “We need to talk.”
Setting the bottle down, I repeated, “We have, and since you’re now safe, I don’t see what else there is to talk about.”
“I want to talk about us.”
“Like I said, we have. I want you to leave now.” I wouldn’t be able to take much more of her here without breaking. Hours in the cold surf at BUD/S had nothing on the torture of treating her as coldly as I needed to so that she’d be safe.
“Zane.” Her glare was intense. “If you thought I was going to accept this without a fight, you thought wrong. I will not let you walk out of my life without even an explanation, and a chance to fix it.”
“I said no. Now go.” How sick a bastard was I that after the terrible ordeal she’d just been through, I was adding to her pain?
“No. I deserve better.” She did. That was what made this so hard. But any explanation would lead to her fighting me on my decision, the one I knew was right, the one she didn’t get to second guess.
The dejected look on her face as she stood gutted me, but being mean now was the best way to keep her from being physically hurt. I had to be strong for her.
“Out,” I repeated. “Maybe we can talk next week.” And next week, I’d put off again and again until she gave up.
Peyton
His angry tone said it all. I’d tried, and failed, to get through to him. His outstretched arm didn’t waver. “Out, now unless you want me to carry you out.”
I’d seen the crack in his demeanor when I told him I deserved better, so I attacked that crack again. “I deserve an honest talk.” Gingerly, I moved a few steps toward the exit, trying desperately to come up with more—another way to appeal to him and get him to open up.
I stopped and stood my ground. Fight with everything you have. The words applied here as much as they did when Lucifer had taken me. “You have a tattoo that says you serve with honor and integrity on and off the battlefield, but right now you’re acting without honor.”
“What did you say?” His words came out harshly, angrily.
I’d insulted him, and I knew it, but I was damned well not giving up my man without a fight, even if that fight was with him.
“You heard me. An honorable man wouldn’t be ashamed to explain himself.”
His attention left me when a key sounded in the door.
A second later, Karla entered. “Hi, Ruppie, I got off early.”
His jaw tensed even more than before. Any more, and he’d crack a tooth.
Then, she saw me. “Oh, hi there, Peyton. Did you get off work early?” Noticing the bandage on my neck, she rushed forward. “Oh, dear. What happened to you?”
“It’s nothing,” I assured her.
Looking between us, his mom must have picked up on the tension. “Am I interrupting something?”
“Yes,” he said.
“No,” I said over his answer. This was the opening I needed. If Karla was on my side, I’d get another chance to force him to open up.
Zane glared at me from under dark brows.
She walked past us. “I’ll be in the kitchen.” It made sense that she’d take her son’s side.
To stop her, I lobbed a grenade into the room. “We’re discussing the fact that I love him,” I said emphatically.
Zane ignored my comment.
Karla stopped and turned. Her response was a wide smile. “That’s wonderful.” She turned to her Zane. “What do you have to say to that, Ruppie?”
“It’s nice, but I’m not a safe choice for her.”
“It’s nice?” she repeated incredulously.
“He wants to break up with me,” I added. “Without telling me how he feels, or telling me why.” After talking with Lucas, I was sure I knew the reason, but we couldn’t talk it through until Zane acknowledged it.
Karla stepped closer. “Why not, Zane?”
I saw the shift to his legal first name jolt him.
“I promised to keep her safe, and now that the strangler is out of the picture, my job is done.”
“You caught him?”
“He’s in the hospital,” I inserted.
“I may be old, but I’m not blind. Peyton has been more to you than a job.” She’d seen what I’d felt, and knew I’d been more than a job for Zane.
Finally, I felt that she was on my side.
“I promised to be out of her hair when the job was done, and it is,” he argued. It was the same tired line.
Karla wagged her finger at him. “Why are you being a coward?”
Anger rose in his face. “I’m not afraid of anything.” Accusing a SEAL of cowardice was beyond harsh.
“She’s bared her soul to you, and you owe it to her to tell her how you feel. Now live up to your oath and tell the truth.” Karla was on a rampage.
After a pause, he responded. “I like her a lot.”
That single statement meant more to me than I thought it ever could. It meant I had a chance. We had the chance we deserved.
“Don’t tell me, tell her.” She pointed in my direction.
“Peyton, I like you a lot, but I’m not the safe choice for you.” He’d fallen back on the safety argument again.
I’d been right about our connection all along, and it made me even more determined to fight for him, to fight for us, so I went for the jugular. “I know about the nightmares.”
Zane’s eyes widened.
“He’s afraid I won’t understand,” I told Karla. “But I do.” I wanted desperately to rush to Zane, hug him, and tell him I understood, that I’d be there for him through the hard times, but I couldn’t yet.
“Ruppie?”
“You can’t begin to know what it’s like,” he growled. “I can’t control them, and they make being around me dangerous. I won’t take that chance.”
Karla glanced my way, letting me handle the argument.
“I’ll sleep in another room then,” I offered. I’d already determined that was how we’d start so that he’d feel comfortable. It was something I didn’t think he could argue against.
He gritted his teeth. I had him, and he didn’t want to admit it. “It’s not safe for you to even be in the same house with me.”
I laughed. “So it’s safe enough for your mother to sleep in the same house as you, but not the woman you love.” I was intentional about changing like to love.
“You don’t understand,” he spluttered.
“Oh, Ruppie. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. Did you know about your grandparents, my mother and father?”
His brows creased. “Know what?”
“They didn’t sleep in the same bedroom for a while after your grandfather got back from the war. He had nightmares about the experience. He refused to talk about them, but I heard the screams in the middle of the night.”
Zane’s face softened. “I didn’t know.”
“Of course not. You hadn’t even been born then.”
I sensed victory getting closer. “Lucas told me that several of his men had worked through the same problem.” I moved closer to him. “If a Delta guy can do it, why can’t a SEAL?”
In his eyes, I could see that I’d broken through the wall. His pride in the trident he’d worn wouldn’t allow him to give up.
I stepped forward. “I know it’ll be hard, but wasn’t yesterday the only easy day?”
“Goddamn you.” He opened his arms to me. “You’re the fucking stubbornest woman I’ve ever met.”
I closed the distance and wrapped my arms around him. “Only because I love you.”
His arms embraced me tightly. “I love you too, Angel,” he said into my hair.
“Ruppie, why didn’t you just start with that?”
I closed my eyes as I melted into my man. I heard Karla walk into the kitchen.
“Sorry I insinuated you weren’t honorable,” I mumbled into his shirt.
Zane’s hold on me tightened. “I guess I deserved that.” He sighed heavily. “I’m sorry I made today even worse for you after all you’ve been through.”
I raked my fingernails down his back and back up again. “A wise man once told me the only easy day was yesterday.”
He chuckled. “Wise, huh?”
“Besides, you saved me, and now, you’ve admitted you love me. Today can’t get any better.”
“Oh yes, it can.”
My core clenched, picking up his meaning.
“And now that I have you, I’m not letting you go.”
“Promises, promises.”
A pan clanked in the kitchen. “I’ll have dinner ready in an hour. Will that be enough time for you two lovebirds to make up?”
He whispered in my hair, “I have an idea of how we can make today better.”
I yelped when Zane swept me up into his arms.
“Make it an hour and a half,” he said toward the kitchen as he carried me off.