Chapter 10
TEN
Four days and I still can’t keep up with Romel’s mood swings. He’s worse than the toddler currently helping him make unicorn pancakes for the fourth day in a row.
Focusing on the whole reason I’m here, I watch Kaylee awkwardly stir the pancake mix. Her tongue sticks out as her tiny eyebrows furrow with intense concentration. In my periphery, I catch Romel shooting glances my way. A part of me hopes he feels like an asshole for how he basically growled at me out by the pool on my first day here and makes me feel like a giant inconvenience—or worse, how I can’t seem to do anything right where his daughter’s concerned. He’s only said a few words to me each day before he leaves for practice, but every so often I catch him glancing at me like he wants to say more. And yet, he never does. Instead, he mainly only speaks to me about Kaylee’s day.
The frustration and anger simmer before it hits me that I’m feeling it so strongly. I glance at Romel who’s now helping Kay pour the batter. His voice is low and soft as he talks to her, gentle, but firm when he tells her to watch herself so she doesn’t get burned. What is it about this man that brings up so many conflicting emotions that I haven’t felt in months?
Why, of all people, is he the man that seems to be thawing the numbness that’s been inside me since my senior yearof college? It’s infuriating and thrilling and confusing. It’s jarring to go from feeling apathetic for so long to feeling so many of the clashing emotions that he brings to life inside me.
But with the realization that he makes me feel , I start to wonder if maybe I’m doing the same to him. It’s clear he’s got a routine with Kay, and having someone new in the house is likely throwing that routine out of whack.
Maybe he deserves a little more grace than I’ve given him. It’s only been four days, so maybe it’s time to call a truce and ask for a clean slate.
I stay relatively silent while he and Kay make breakfast, but I don’t shy away from him when he glances back at me every so often. Something passes between us each time our gazes connect, like a gentle understanding that we both haven’t been our best selves.
Kay fills the silence as we eat, talking about a story her Grammy read to her a week ago. Some of what she says isn’t quite clear—in that way that toddlers talk and you swear they’ve made up half the words they’ve used—but it’s the most I’ve heard her talk since I met her.
I glance at Romel, and my gut tightens at the pure love on his face for his daughter. His lips are slightly lifted in the smallest smile, and his eyes shine more than I’ve seen them so far. He nods at all the right places in her story and asks her follow-up questions as if he understands every word she’s said. It’s endearing and softens me further toward him.
“Kay, why don’t you run upstairs and pick out some clothes for today, okay?” he says .
She nods and leaves the table, running out of the room with an energy that makes me envious.
“We need to talk,” I say, using the opportunity of Kay out of the room to address the issue that’s been bothering me for a long time. My skin heats as adrenaline races through my bloodstream. I hate confrontation, but I’ll call him out on his crap if that’s what it takes for us to find our footing because this isn’t sustainable.
He crosses his arms. “Is everything okay with Kay?”
Of course he thinks this is about Kay. I actually love that she’s always his first priority. It’s another attractive trait of his, but my attraction to him is the least of my concerns right now. “Everything with Kay is fine, but everything with you and me is not. I’m trying really hard not to overstep since the pool incident, and then the ceramic bear, but I feel like I’m walking on eggshells and I can’t do anything right as far as you’re concerned.” His brows furrow and he opens his mouth to speak, but I barrel on. “I want to do my job. I want to be here for Kay. She’s amazing and I love hanging out with her when you have to work, but it’s hard when you’re so important to her and we don’t get along very well. Hard on her, and on me,” I admit.
He blinks several times like he’s slowly processing everything I said. He uncrosses his arms, his face the picture of sincerity. “I’m sorry. I haven’t handled our interactions appropriately, and I’ll admit I haven’t known how to address it with you. But you’re right. I got us started off on the wrong foot.” He looks toward the stairs, and I know he’s thinking about Kay.
“It’s been just me and Kay for so long. Even with Larissa’s help, it wasn’t the same as having someone here full-time like you are. I guess it’s been harder on me than I thought it would be to let go of some of the responsibility. When you’re forced to do it all, you forget what it’s like to not have to do it all. I don’t want you to be uncomfortable here, and I promise I’m going to try to do better from here on out.”
It’s the most he’s ever said to me in one sitting.
“I don’t want to step on your toes.”
He’s already shaking his head before I’ve finished my sentence.“You’re not. I appreciate everything you’ve done already in the short amount of time you’ve been here. I’ve never seen Kay so open. Even with her aunts and uncles, she’s a bit reserved, but every time she spends the day with you, I come home and she chats my ear off telling me everything you did all day.”
I can’t help smiling. “She’s such a great kid, Romel. You’ve done an amazing job with her.”
He looks down like he can’t quite take the compliment. “Thanks. I’m sorry, Meredith. I’m sorry I’ve been so…difficult.”
“I should’ve talked to you about how I was feeling sooner.”
“Moving forward, just tell me if I’m being…”
“Grumpy?” I suggest with a smile.
“I was going to say overbearing, but I guess grumpy works.”
I release my breath, feeling loads lighter now that we’ve cleared the air.
“Apology accepted. To be honest, I haven’t been my best self either. I know your situation better than most probably do. It’s clear you’ve had set routines with Kaylee, and I can’t imagine it’s easy to invite someone new into your life, especially with her.”
He looks at the table. “No, it’s not.” He picks at a dried piece of food with his thumbnail. “But that doesn’t excuse my behavior.”
I lean forward, my elbows on the table. “Maybe we should start with a blank slate.”
He glances up at me, almost like he’s hesitant to believe this conversation is going so well. “I’d like that. I swear I’m not this big of an asshole usually.”
My smile grows. “I believe you.”
He mirrors my smile and I have to remind myself to breathe. It’s the first time he’s smiled directly at me, and even if it’s small, it makes me feel like I just performed a miracle.
“What made you want to become a nanny?”
He’s looking at me in a way that makes me feel like he can see to the very heart of me. “I went to school to become a physical therapist, but I don’t know. Senior year rolled around and nothing seemed to bring me much joy anymore. I didn’t apply to any grad schools and opted to take a year off. But I got sick of just hanging around the house, especially with all my other friends starting their new adult lives. Plus, boredom doesn’t appeal to me. I babysat in high school and a little bit in college, so I figured nannying made the most sense for a temporary job. So now I’m a nanny.”
“I’m glad you are,” he says, his voice soft and catching my attention.
My eyes lock on his. “You are?”
He nods and swallows, the motion making his Adam’s apple bob in his throat. “Maybe you are exactly what Kay needed.”
What Kay needed.
Why does that statement feel so unsatisfactory? And why is there a piece of me that wishes I was what he needed too?