Chapter 17
SEVENTEEN
There’s a freshness in the air that hasn’t been there in a long time as I make my way down the short walkway to the guesthouse.
Meredith answers on the first knock, her long, dark hair falling loose around her shoulders.
“Hey!” she says, her eyes wide like she wasn’t expecting me.
It’s technically her day off and I’m sure she has plans, but Kay insisted on inviting her, and I figure it can’t hurt to ask her.
“Hey, I know it’s your day off, but Kay and I were going to go on a little adventure today to the aquarium, and I came to see if you wanted to join us.”
She leans against the edge of the open door, a soft smile on her face. “You’d think Kay would be sick of me already.”
“Nah, she loves spending time with you. So, what do you say?”
There’s a hesitation in her eyes that has my stomach tightening. I don’t know why I want her to come along so badly, but it feels important that she does. After what feels like an eternity, but is only a few minutes, she nods. “Let me grab my purse.”
In the car, she asks, “So is this one of the adventures you guys do every week?”
I glance at her quickly before facing the road again. “How’d you know about that?”
“Kaylee.”
Looking in the rearview mirror at my daughter, I smile. “Kay, are you giving away our family secrets?”
She giggles. “Dad-dy,” she says, breaking the word into two distinct syllables and sounding very much like she’s scolding me even as she laughs.
I can’t help laughing with her. Directing my words to Meredith who’s sitting next to me in the passenger seat, I say, “Yeah, we’ve had a weekly adventure pretty much every week since Kaylee was two. Sometimes it’s just going for a drive; other times we do something based on what she’s currently into.”
“Like the aquarium,” Meredith says knowingly.
“Yeah.”
Kaylee’s been obsessed with sea life since she saw a starfish when we went to the beach this summer. I figure she’ll love going to the aquarium and seeing all the different sea creatures they’ve got there. It shouldn’t be too busy today since schools are in session. We didn’t go this summer because I wanted to avoid the tourist crowds we get that time of year.
When we arrive, Kay automatically stands between Meredith and me, her tiny hands holding each of ours. I stare a little too long at her hand in Meredith’s, an unsettled, but not unpleasant sensation filling my chest. When I glance up at Meredith’s face, she’s staring down at Kaylee, her smile wide, her eyes shining with pure joy, and that feeling in my chest gets more intense.
Kay’s excitement is infectious and I soon stop worrying about anything and just enjoy watching her look at each new critter with that wide-eyed wonder that kids have. I try to look at the world from her point of view—the endless possibilities, her excitement about the little things.
Kay points to things she recognizes from her books, and Meredith and I take turns saying the names of things she doesn’t know. We both look over her head at each other, soft matching smiles on our faces when she mispronounces something in the most adorable way—like crocodactyl instead of crocodile when she sees a picture of one painted on the wall.
Meredith’s cheeks flush slightly before she looks away, and my chest gets tight. I find myself looking at her more often as we keep walking through the aquarium, catching her gaze several times, and feeling my own body respond in a long-forgotten way—in a way I never thought my body would react to a woman ever again.
The lightness she brings out in Kay—and me, if I’m truly honest with myself—seems even more powerful today. Like for the first time in years, I feel alive. I’m not just going through the motions or living life through the lens of grief like I’ve become so accustomed to.
It feels good, but unnatural at the same time.
We’re wandering the fish exhibit when an older woman smiles at us. “You have an adorable family,” she says to Meredith, who’s squatting down pointing to the different fish in this specific tank.
Before I can respond, Meredith stands, shaking her head. “Oh, no. I’m just the nanny.”
She says it with a gentle smile, but the old woman still flushes in embarrassment. “Oh, I’m sorry.”
“You’re totally good,” Meredith reassures her, then looks down at Kaylee, her hand running over Kay’s hair that’s up in a bun. “You’re right that she’s pretty adorable.” The look she gives Kay is filled with love and tenderness.
The woman nods in agreement and then wanders off while Meredith goes back to pointing out fish with Kay, who doesn’t seem at all fazed by the interaction. I faintly catch that they’re making up stories about the fish, but I’m still stuck on the exchange with the woman.
Nothing Meredith said was wrong, but it doesn’t feel right in my gut. She is the nanny, but she feels like so much more than that. In the nearly two months that she’s been with us, she’s made our house feel warmer. She’s made me feel more alive. Like I was walking in a dark room before she walked in, let out that throaty laugh she has, and then turned on a light switch, illuminating my world like it was no big deal when really she was bringing us all back to life.
I struggle to let the feeling go—the feeling of wrongness at her being “just the nanny”—and find myself distracted by trying to figure out what about it bothers me the most.
We’re walking out of the aquarium and back to the car when Meredith and Kay walk ahead of me, their arms swinging dramatically in a way that makes Kaylee laugh hysterically. It brings a smile to my face, and then like being hit by a semitruck, I realize this is the first outing we’ve had where I didn’t think about Sydney. I didn’t think about what she would say to Kay or what their interaction would look like. I didn’t imagine her here with us the way I have with every other adventure we’ve taken.
My steps falter and my brain seems to be frantic to redo the whole day, but properly. I’m not supposed to leave Syd out of these adventures. She’s supposed to be part of everything we do. If I don’t at least think of her, I’m not upholding my promise to keep her memory alive.
A hand on my arm pulls me out of my inner turmoil, and I look at Meredith as if she’s a stranger. Her dark brows are furrowed. “Romel? Are you okay?”
I swallow thickly. What is she doing to me that she made me forget my wife for a whole outing? I pull my arm away from her and walk to the car, ignoring her calling my name again. I help Kaylee get strapped into her car seat, but I can’t look at Meredith. I can’t speak to her because I don’t know if any of the words that want to claw their way out right now would make sense to her.
They barely make sense to me.
All I know for sure is that in three years, I’ve never gone this long without thinking about Sydney, and that feels an awful lot like cheating on her, even if she’s not alive to know it.