Chapter 27
TWENTY-SEVEN
I pause at the foot of the stairs and watch Meredith lean over and paint Kaylee’s toes the same bright pink as hers. My chest tightens at the sight of them smiling and giggling. Sydney always talked about doing things like this with her daughter—even before we knew we were having a girl, although she’d had a feeling early on that it was a girl. It hurts to know Syd will never get this experience, but at the same time, it’s nice to see Kay get to have moments like this with a woman I know she looks up to.
Right as I have the thought, Kaylee looks at Meredith, her eyes bright and happy like she thinks Meredith is the best thing in the world.
I imagine it’s not far off from the look I often have when I look at Meredith. I’ve been thinking about what Ty said ever since we left their house, and something is shifting inside me. I spent a lot of time talking to Syd’s picture last night—the one I keep on my bedside table—and trying to remember her and what she’d say in this situation. It gave me some clarity, but I’m still wrapping my head around the confusing swirl of feelings stirring inside me after so long of feeling nothing but various layers of grief.
Meredith looks up when I clear my throat, and her smile becomes a little forced when it’s aimed at me. I haven’t had a chance to talk to her without Kaylee around, and I’m not sure if she’s done that on purpose or not.
I wouldn’t blame her if she did.
“I’m heading out for guys’ night, but I won’t be out late.”
“Okay,” she says.
Kaylee wiggles her toes and hits me with a megawatt smile. “Daddy, look!”
“Pretty,” I say as I walk over and drop a kiss to the top of her head. “Be a good girl for Miss Mere, okay?”
She nods, but she’s already focused on her toes again. Meredith is smiling at her with such a serene expression on her face, and I’m hit once again with how much she loves my daughter.
“I’ll see you when I get home.”
She nods, but is already focused on Kay. I leave with an uneasy feeling in my stomach and a certainty in my veins that I need to find the words before I mess this up further.
Ty sets down the card with a smile. “Uno.”
But his smile is short-lived when Dom lays down a reverse and then +2. “Not quite.”
Gabe chuckles as Ty grabs the cards and grumbles before he looks at me. “So, have you talked to Meredith yet?”
Both Gabe and Dom look at me expectantly. Too expectantly. I narrow my eyes at Ty. “Did you tell them?”
“I told Dom he owed me money, and you just confirmed he does by insinuating there’s something to tell. So tell them the details and then catch us all up on what happened when you went home. ”
I take a drink of my bottled water—none of us are drinking tonight—and then face my three best friends. “I kissed her, then told her it was a mistake, and she didn’t stop by the main house when she got home last night, so we haven’t talked except about Kay.”
“You kissed her and then immediately told her it was a mistake?” Gabe asked.
“No, we fell asleep and then when I woke up I told her I thought it might’ve been a mistake.”
“Hold up,” Dom says, setting his cards face down. “You slept with her?!”
“We actually slept. Nothing sexy happened apart from me kissing her.”
“Was it a bad kiss?” Gabe asks, looking completely confused about how I fucked this up so badly.
“No, it wasn’t,” I admit, my voice low. Quiet descends, none of them sure what to say.
I tip my head back, staring at the ceiling before facing them and admitting the truth, because if I can’t admit it to these three, then I can’t admit it to anyone. “I was freaked because it wasn’t a bad kiss. It was a great kiss. One of the best, even though it’s not like we were making out or anything. It was a pretty simple kiss, all things considered, but there was something in it that made it feel like it packed a punch, ya know?”
They all nod their heads with knowing grins. Of course they know. They’re all happily married to the women they’ve shared those kisses with.
So, now I guess it’s time to admit something else to them. “Sydney was the only person I’ve shared a kiss like that with.”
“That should be a good thing, right? It means Meredith is special.”
I rub my forehead and let out a heavy exhale. “Sydney’s the only woman I’ve ever kissed. And now Meredith. ”
They all stare at me, jaws dropped.
Dom puts up his hands in a stop gesture. “Hold the hell up. Are you trying to tell us that Sydney…that she was the first girl you ever kissed? The first girl you had sex with?”
I nod.
“No fucking way,” he says in clear disbelief.
“I was focused on football and getting scholarships in high school. I didn’t want to disappoint my parents. It’s not like there weren’t girls around who were clearly interested, but I wasn’t willing to risk my chances of getting a full-ride scholarship, and girls were a distraction. I met Sydney freshman year of college and there was just something about her. I couldn’t have stopped myself from falling for her if I tried. I think I knew I wanted to marry her after our first month together, but we still waited until after college to get married. And as you know, there’s been no one since her.” I scratch my jaw. “So to say I’m a little out of my depth here would be an understatement.”
“You married the first girl you had sex with?” Dom asks, clearly still trying to wrap his head around this. Considering he’s a reformed playboy, I’m not at all surprised he’s the one so shocked by this. The others seem to be taking it in stride.
I smile. “Yeah. Got a problem with that?”
He shakes his head. “Man, you could’ve had so many girls. Especially in college. You missed your player days. Are you sure you don’t want to maybe date around before you start thinking seriously about a woman again?”
“I’m not really the date around type. I watched my parents’ marriage and knew I always wanted something similar to theirs. I don’t think I’d be all that good at no strings attached. Especially considering there are so few women who catch my eye to begin with.”
“But Meredith did?” Gabe asks.
I slide my thumb back and forth on my cards lying face down on the table in front of me. “Yeah, she did.” I scrub my hands over my face. “I ignored it for a long time because it felt like being unfaithful to Sydney.”
They all speak at the same time. “You’re not being unfaithful.”
“Yeah, I finally got that. It just took a while to sink in. But I’ve already shoved my foot into my mouth with Meredith and I need to fix it, but as you’ve now learned, I don’t exactly have massive game with women. I don’t know what to do here. I can’t guarantee I won’t freak out again. This is all new territory.”
“But you do want to date her?”
“Yeah, I do. It’s a delicate situation because of Kay. She loves Mere and would be devastated if things between Meredith and I led to her losing Meredith. I don’t want to put her through that, but is it really fair to ask Meredith to keep it a secret when I’ve already told her it was a mistake? I don’t want to make her feel like she’s a side piece or something.”
“I think you should probably tell her everything you just said to us. Women like when we talk to them and tell them how we’re feeling, even if it’s confusing and shows that we’re a hot mess,” Ty said.
Dom and Gabe nod and hum in affirmation.
“Then I think it’s time I go home and see if I fumbled this past the point of no return or if she’s willing to give me another chance.”