Chapter 45
FORTY-FIVE
Kaylee’s birthday always brings up a slew of mixed feelings. This year is no different, and I feel myself falling into the same funk I always do. Because of an away game, we don’t get to celebrate Kaylee’s birthday until a few days later which puts the party closer to the anniversary of Sydney’s death. The combo of that anniversary and the constant thoughts about what Meredith’s dad said to me has caused me to be in a weird headspace this last week, and I think Meredith can feel it.
But no matter how hard I try to stop feeling like I’m being dragged underwater as the anniversary of losing Sydney creeps closer, I can’t stop it.
The day of Kaylee’s party arrives, and everyone comes over to celebrate. Meredith and Larissa work together to put together a huge ocean-themed party since Kaylee is still obsessed with fish. Dom, Gabe, Ty, and their wives all come to celebrate my daughter. They’re used to the melancholy that hits me this time of year, but for Meredith, this is something new.
I put on my happiest face for Kay’s party, but I’m going through the motions. Everything feels like it’s happening through a tunnel, or to someone else—like an out-of-body experience.
Ty slaps me on the back. “Let’s head outside for some air.”
It’s only fifty degrees outside, but I don’t argue. I follow him to the backyard and find Gabe and Dom waiting. Tall heaters have been set up on the perimeter to keep the patio warm, although the women and grandparents are still inside with Kaylee.
I take a large pull of air into my lungs, but it does nothing to settle the turmoil in my soul.
“You wanna talk about it?” Gabe asks.
I shrug. I don’t miss the glances they share with each other.
“How’re things going with Meredith?” Ty asks.
I rub my palm down my face. “I don’t know.”
Dom frowns. “What do you mean you don’t know? She’s great.”
My jaw clenches and my chest aches. It’s weird to feel so hollow and yet still hurt.
I drop down onto one of the patio chairs and hang my head in my hands. “I don’t know if I’m good for her.”
They all follow my lead and take seats around me. “Why would you think that? You’re one of the best guys we know,” Ty says.
I drop my hands and let them see all the anguish inside me. “Am I? I’ve been in a relationship with her for a while now and I can’t…I don’t know if I can…fuck,” I swear, my head a jumbled mess. Her dad’s words whisper through my conscience. “She deserves a man who will love her with his whole heart.”
“And you don’t think you can give her that?” Gabe asks, his voice soft.
I almost wish they’d yell at me or tell me what to do. The thought of letting Mere go feels like someone is repeatedly stabbing me in the heart, but is it really fair to hold on to her when I don’t know if I can give her what she deserves?
Before I can answer his question—not that I even know how I’ll answer it—Ty says, “Maybe this week isn’t the best time to be making big decisions. What with the anniversary tomorrow.”
Another stab to the heart.
“Do you want us to come with you?”
I shake my head. They offer every year, and every year I turn them down. Going to Sydney’s grave has become a tradition, but it’s one I do alone.
“Is Larissa watching Kay?” Dom asks.
“Yeah, they’re taking her home with them tonight after the party.”
They always do. They visit Sydney more often than I do, so they take Kaylee off my hands so I can have that day with Sydney’s memory. I don’t know what it says about me that I can’t visit her grave more than once a year. Even that one time emotionally wrecks me for days. I learned early on if I was going to be able to function and be the dad Kay needed, I could only see Sydney on the anniversary of her death. Any more and I’d end up in the grave right beside her.
The guys stay outside with me for a little longer, giving me the time I need to pull myself together enough for the rest of Kay’s party. We should’ve thrown her party earlier, before her birthday instead of after. I know better by now that I’m always a wreck the closer we get to the anniversary of Syd’s death.
When we go back inside, I paste a smile on my face and once again go through the motions. Worry fills Meredith’s gaze whenever she looks at me, but the more I stare at her, the guiltier I feel.
She deserves a man who isn’t a fucking mess over another woman. That’s not fair to her at all.
She kisses Kaylee goodbye and then it’s my turn. I hug her tight. “Have fun with Grammy and Papa, okay, sweet girl?”
“Okay. I love you, Daddy.”
My eyes burn with the threat of tears, but I hold myself together. Hearing my daughter tell me she loves me will always be one of my favorite things in the world.
“I love you too, baby girl.”
Jimmy pats me on the back and squeezes my arm, a knowing pain in his eyes. This week is always hard for him too. He walks around to get in the driver’s side while Larissa gives me a tight hug.
“Call us if you need anything tomorrow, okay? We’ll keep Kay as long as you need us to,” she says low enough so only I can hear. She glances at Meredith, then gives me a concerned look. “Maybe you shouldn’t go alone tomorrow. Maybe it’s time to take someone with you.”
She means Meredith.
I shake my head. No, tomorrow is my time alone with Sydney. I don’t need anyone else there to witness me breaking down. Larissa frowns at me, but she knows better than to question me.
As they drive off, Meredith sidles up next to me, slipping her hand in mine. It feels foreign to have someone hold my hand right now.
“I’m tired,” I say, dropping a kiss to her head, but it lacks the emotional connection I’m used to giving her. Everything feels forced tonight. I know I should explain it to her, but I can’t find the words or the energy.