Chapter 32 Harper
Harper
In the days after my heat settles, I feel more like myself, which is a relief. Life goes back to normal, and things settle into a routine that feels surprisingly easy, even though there’s a lot about it that’s completely new.
I put Cora to bed, and then the Alphas slip into my room every night. They get in bed with me, even though my heat is over, curling around me and touching me like they still need me just as much.
In the back of my mind, I wonder if I should be putting an end to it, putting distance back between us, but I never do. They show up and I’ve already made room for them because the truth is I want it too.
It feels so good to finally stop holding myself back and just let myself be taken care of for once.
And they all live up to the promise Everett made that first night of my heat.
They take care of me. They bring me cups of tea and cut up fruit.
They brush my hair back from my face when we settle into bed together.
They hold me close and don’t ask or push for anything other than that, like it’s all they want in the moment too.
And it feels good. It feels safe in a way I didn’t think was possible, even though I know it won’t last forever. It can’t. I’m trying not to think that far ahead, trying not to get stuck in my own head and ruin this before it even has a chance to be something real.
I keep telling myself that I can just enjoy it for what it is. That’s not a crime. Even if it doesn’t turn into anything else, I can be happy for what it is. Lincoln, Everett, and Cash aren’t like the Alphas I’ve known before, and I have to keep reminding myself of that over and over again.
They’re different in basically every way. They’re patient and kind, and I believe they won’t hurt me.
I get back to work as well, and a few nights later, Cash and I are working at the bar while Lainey babysits Cora. The crowd thins out a few hours in, giving us a chance to catch our breaths and sit, and Cash smiles at me.
“What?” I ask. “You have that look on your face.”
“What look?” he asks, trying to sound innocent.
“Your ‘I have an idea’ look.” Usually his ideas are good, and I’ve definitely benefitted from them, but I have to tease him about it.
“I was just thinking that since it’s quiet in here now, it could be nice to sing a little. If you want to.”
I hesitate at that. “Are you sure? The last time I sang in public, I went into heat.”
Cash laughs. “I think you’re safe from that this time.” His eyes go a little dark with the memory, but he doesn’t push for anything, letting the moment pass easily.
He doesn’t even push me to sing if I don’t want to, but I decide that it could be a good idea to get more comfortable singing with someone listening other than Cora, so I agree without a fuss.
And this is a different vibe than when we sang together at the open mic. It’s just the two of us, singing a song together. The few people still in the bar listen and they still clap when we finish, even though it’s just something lowkey and easy.
Something warm settles in my chest at the way we sound together, our voices blending with ease, like they were always meant to be together. I don’t want to look at that too closely.
The rest of the shift passes quietly, and I close up the bar, going to take out the trash as the last thing for the night. My phone rings, and I pull it out, thinking it might be Lainey calling about Cora, but then stop in my tracks when I see the number and the name attached to it.
I should have deleted him and the others out of my phone ages ago, but at least now I know who’s calling me.
Julius.
I answer the call without thinking, and his voice is exactly the same as it always was.
“Harper,” he says, still in that calm, smooth tone that makes my skin crawl. It’s like he could be calling about the weather, acting like nothing bad ever happened between us, and he’s a perfectly pleasant person, just wanting to catch up.
“What do you want?” I ask, gripping my phone tight.
“I’ve been thinking about you,” he says. “Thinking about how maybe we made a mistake letting you go.”
“What?” It comes out hoarse, and I hate that.
He chuckles a little. “I’ve been thinking maybe we should try again. What do you think?”
Fuck, even his laugh makes that old tightness return to my chest. It’s a well-worn feeling of being too much and not enough at the same time. There was a time when I didn’t realize what that laugh was doing to me, and even now that I know, it’s like I’m still conditioned to respond to it.
I take a deep breath and make myself think past that. “No,” I say sharply. “I’m not interested in trying again. I’ve moved on, and I’m happy now. I have a new life now.”
Julius laughs again, and I have to grit my teeth. There’s mockery in it because of course there is. Like he doesn’t believe me and thinks I’m lying to myself.
Before he can say anything else, I hang up, dropping my hand down to my side.
For a long moment, I just stand there in the alley, one hand holding my phone, the other holding a full bag of trash.
My heart is pounding, and my breathing feels shallow until I make an effort to take deep breaths and try to calm down.
I hate that all it takes is a phone call from him to make me feel like this, and it’s harder than it should be to shake the feeling of him off my skin.
Julius was one of the Alphas in my old pack.
The one who told me I was too needy, too emotional, too hard to deal with.
He made me feel like love was conditional and could be taken away the second I stopped being convenient.
He used that against me a lot. If I asked for too much, or did things he didn’t approve of, he would turn cold and distant, waiting for me to grovel and adjust my behavior before he would let me back in.
I’d been doing so well at unlearning all the shit he and the others taught me, but hearing from Julius again now makes me feel like I’ve slipped back into that old version of myself. I know I’m not that girl anymore, but it feels like she’s still there, under my skin.
I can’t stand here all night, trying to get my head back on straight, so I go back inside, where Cash is waiting for me.
“All done?” he asks with his trademark grin.
“Yeah,” I reply. “Let’s head out.”
He doesn’t ask if I’m okay, so either I’m doing an okay job of pretending, or it’s not obvious how rattled I am. I don’t tell him about the call either. I don’t even know how I would bring it up or what I’d want to hear in response.
We lock up and get into his truck, and he rests his hand on my thigh as he starts the drive home.
I let him leave it there, but not even the now familiar warmth of his hand on me can shake me out of my thoughts.
It’s a good thing the drive home is silent because I don’t think I could carry on a conversation if I wanted to right now. Not with my mind a million miles away.
When we get home, Lincoln and Everett are still up, and they greet us with tired smiles.
“Cora’s in bed,” Lincoln tells me. “Lainey dropped her off, and she was already half asleep, so I just put her to bed.”
I nod, trying to summon some gratitude or some trace of the warmth that I felt earlier today. “Thanks,” I say. Like everything’s normal. I try to return their smiles, to not let them know anything’s going on, but it’s hard when unease lingers like a bad omen in my chest.