Chapter 12
12
ALTA
“ D o it,” I begged with what little breath I had left. “Please.”
Never in my life had I been so turned on, so hot and wet for a man. Even boyfriends in the past never provoked this kind of need. And we hadn’t even done anything yet, except for that erotic bite that sent my head spinning and a steady pulse to pound between my thighs.
Each place he licked, each touch, every breath against my skin, I wanted more. Zero disgust, no withdrawing from his touch. This —him —was what I’d been waiting for. This primal, sexual, undeniable pull. And here it was delivered in a hot-as-hell, tattooed killing machine who knew all the right buttons to push.
“No, Lady. Not yet.” I whimpered at the sudden disappointment. “We talk first.”
“Talk?” Apprehension bloomed in my gut severing the lust-induced daze I’d sunk into. “Talk about what?”
His massive hand tugged my shoulder, flipping me to press my back against the cold wood. Hooded dark brown eyes roamed down my face and lingered on my heaving chest. “You.” A deep groan rumbled in his chest as he turned on his bare heels and strode with purpose toward his bedroom. “Lock the damn door. We’ll talk after I’m done.”
“Done? Done with what? Where are you going?” I called out, a bit panicked. Craning my neck to see inside the room he disappeared into, I startled and jumped back, nailing my backside and head against the door when he appeared shirtless.
Holy hell. My mouth watered at the sight of his defined pecs, hard stomach, and full left arm covered from wrist to shoulder in blue and black ink. Every breath caught in my chest, sweat beading along my forehead and spine.
“To take another cold shower.” Taut muscles flexed and ripped down his arms as he jammed a finger in the direction of the couch. “Sit. Do not leave. Understood?” With another long perusal down my trembling body, he turned back to the bedroom and disappeared with a low string of curses.
The way he looked at me, wanted my body, was empowering instead of degrading or overwhelming. The want radiating off him and the constant struggle to hold himself back was more strengthening than demeaning. With Lance all those years ago, knowing someone longed over my body was belittling. But not Cas Mathews. Oh no. The control he had over his actions was sexy as hell, and so was the knowledge that he had to fight the persistent urge to pin me against a wall.
The throbbing between my thighs faded the longer Cas was out of the room, allowing worry and self-doubt to fill the void. I’d only slept with two guys before the assault, and neither was earth-shattering. What if I was terrible at sex? Or what if I couldn’t even do it? What if I freaked out the second we were naked? How embarrassing would a panic attack be in such an intimate moment?
This was a bad idea.
On the couch, exactly where he told me to wait, I tucked my anxious hands beneath my thighs.
Now that I could think clearly, the idea of doing anything with Cas would be terrible for many reasons, but mostly because I was scared, intimidated, and a lot embarrassed by my lack of experience. He would expect more, and when I couldn’t give it, would he walk away or even worse, feel sorry for me?
A quiet creak from the direction of his room signaled he was back, watching.
I had to end this before we went too far.
Mouth open, I turned toward him, ready to call it all off, but not a single word escaped. The sight of him wrapped in just a towel sucked every word, every thought from my head. The man was more than handsome. Water dripped from his hair in streams, cascading down his naturally tan skin as he scrubbed another towel against his hair.
“We… we need….” I willed my body to turn away to think straight, but my eyes remained glued to his naked chest. “Talk. We need to talk.”
“Isn’t that what I suggested?” At the undercurrent of humor in his tone, I peeled my gaze from his body up to his face, which was just as ruggedly beautiful. “Let’s go take care of the dog, and then we can talk.” With a smirk, he stepped back into his room, leaving the door open, and dropped the towel from around his trim waist.
Eyes wide, I ogled his naked backside. Each step sent a butt cheek flexing, making my mouth water.
I stumbled from the couch and bolted to the door. “I’ll meet you outside,” I squeaked out as the door swung open, and Benny and I dashed out into the cold.
By the time the front door opened again and Cas stomped down to the front porch, fully dressed, I had my nerves under control and speech prepared. Gazing out into the naked trees that surrounded our little cabin community, I felt more than saw him approach.
“Left my coat back at the ranger station. This is all I have.” A large black sweatshirt was clutched between his fingers. “Wasn’t sure how far of a walk your place was.”
Taking the soft cotton from his hand, I pressed it tight against my chest. “Thanks, but it’s not too far.” I was cold and desperately wanted to slip the sweatshirt on to ward off the crisp mountain air. But the second his scent-laced shirt enveloped me, there was no doubt I would lose the nerve to tell him we couldn’t happen.
His eyes followed each of my steps as I started down the gravel path.
“What’s wrong?” he asked at my side. “Something’s off.”
“Nothing. Well, not nothing. I’m worried that… I think us doing anything, you know, in private… it’s a bad idea. We’re working a case and need to focus on that.”
“I’m amazing at multitasking.” His warm breath brushed against the shell of my ear. The toe of my right hiking boot caught the ground, causing me to stumble forward. Hands around my biceps, Cas caught me mid-fall and pulled me to a halt. “Spit it out. What’s going on in that mind of yours, because I’m at a fucking loss. Just a few minutes ago, you were begging me to keep going, and now you sound like you don’t want this at all.”
“I don’t.”
“Bullshit,” he spit out and dropped his hands. “I’m calling bullshit, Lady.”
“It’s not,” I said defensively. “Well not technically. The case?—”
“You changing your mind has nothing to do with the case. It’s why I wanted to talk. So before you end this, before we can get to the good stuff—because, Lady, it’s fucking great—I need to know a few things.”
The gravel crunched under my boots as I shifted my weight from one foot to the other. “What if I don’t want to tell you a few things?”
The cold wind brushed where his warm hands had held me tight, leaving me colder than I’d ever been. “Then you get your wish of this not going anywhere. I want you, Lady, but I’m not the guy who will pressure you into doing something before you’re ready. It’s your choice on what happens next.”
My choice.
Yes or no.
Tell him everything he wanted to know or walk away.
The easy way out would be to keep my mouth shut and pretend I didn’t want him as desperately as he wanted me.
“What do you want to know?” I asked. My gaze darted to where Benny raced into a cluster of trees after a chattering squirrel.
Cas gestured for us to keep walking. “I pulled your file, so I know the basics of what went down in Texas while you were in school.”
I wet my lips and swallowed past the lump building in my throat. “That’s good, I guess.”
“Tell me what happened and how that fucker ended up dead.”
He made it sound easy, but it wasn’t. Might never be.
“Start small. What made you want to study wildlife management?”
Benny bolted from the trees with the same angry squirrel hot on his heels. Sweet Benny. He was trained to kill, but that wasn’t who he was in his heart. If the other animals would allow Benny the chance, he’d befriend every animal on the mountain.
“Animals. I wanted to be a game warden just like my dad. The ecosystem is a balancing act, and a Texas game warden’s job is to make sure the scale never tips. They protect the animals from poachers and illegal fishing operations, render aid or removal when necessary, all to keep the animals safe.”
“But you never did,” Cas added as he walked at my side with Benny trotting between us.
I hitched my chin to the right, indicating the turn to my cabin. “No, I never did. I couldn’t stick around after everything. It became too much. My parents wouldn’t let me out of their sight. They booked me an appointment with every therapist in town in an attempt to help me cope. The first few months, they had every right to worry, I was a mess. I couldn’t sleep, couldn’t move. Fear paralyzed me for a long time.” I paused to slip the sweatshirt over my head. As the dark cotton slid down my face, Cas’s strong masculine scent filled my nose and lungs, somehow offering a boost of strength to keep going.
“Not sure what all the file said, but it started as a stalking case. I worked at the local H-E-B as a cashier to help pay for the portion of school that wasn’t covered by my track scholarships. Who I am now is a shell of who I was before it all happened. Before, I was outgoing, funny, charismatic. I’d talk to anyone and everyone, with the core belief that everyone deserved a kind smile.” Out of habit, I brought my right thumb to my lips and chewed on the edge. “That was what caught his attention during the spring semester of my junior year. At first, it wasn’t anything big, just him coming in every time I was on shift and hanging back to talk to me, which I didn’t mind. Then notes appeared on my car at work, at school, when I was home.
“I told my dad, but he knew there was nothing we could do unless he made a threat, which he hadn’t. Everything he wrote was loving, telling me how beautiful I was, how he was glad to have a friend like me, stuff like that.”
The old wooden steps to my cabin creaked under our weight as we climbed in unison to the porch. Benny sat by my feet while I dug out the keys and unlocked the first deadbolt, then the next, and the next.
“Safer than Fort Knox,” Cas muttered as a joke.
He had no idea how right he was.
“There are deadbolts on the door, jams on the windows, and I had them cover the glass panes with a coating that makes them unbreakable.”
“Nice.” He nodded as he glanced around my filthy cabin. His lips pursed at the sink overflowing with dirty dishes. “So what changed?”
I tugged off my tactical belt, situated everything like I always did in my routine, and locked all three locks three times each. Unease rolled through my stomach, nausea building. Index fingers scraping at the cuticles of both thumbs, I turned to him.
“I don’t have people over,” I said as an excuse for the mess. With a cringe at the day-old bowls lying on the coffee table and empty water bottles strewn about, I quickly shuffled through the room, picking up the dishes and hauling them to the already full sink. As I started on the tower of dirty dishes, Cas snagged a clean dishrag from a drawer on the other side, ready to dry.
“Thanks. What was your question again?”
“What changed with the creeper? What made him go from leaving you nice notes to kidnapping you for three days?”
The dish in my hands slipped and dropped into the sink. “I started dating someone, and Lance, the creeper, wasn’t a fan. That’s when the notes changed. I stuck around that summer to keep working and take some summer school classes. The notes turned from angry and hurt to demeaning and scary. One had an undeniable threat toward my boyfriend and me. After talking with my dad, I decided it was time to go to the police. I filled out a restraining order and thought it was done.”
Beneath the sudsy water, my fingers quivered as I scrubbed at a spoon with dry ramen noodles stuck to it.
“The notes stopped, and he stopped showing up at work, so I took it as a win. The Sunday before Thanksgiving break, my roommate left, but I had to work that Monday and Tuesday, so I stayed behind. We planned for me to meet her in Dallas that Wednesday before I headed home for Thanksgiving.”
After the last dish was washed and dried, I hopped on the counter, allowing my legs to dangle. “I never made it to work on Monday. Sunday night, after my nightly run, I came home to the empty apartment, downed a bottle of water that was out on the counter and went to take a shower. My nose went numb first.” I scrubbed at the tip, remembering the tingling sensation. “It was so strange. Then my legs and feet grew heavy. Halfway to the bathroom, my legs gave out completely, sending me crashing to the floor. Face pressed against the apartment’s old carpet, my arms lost all feeling, but I could still see. Once I was completely immobile, Lance stepped out of the bedroom closet. His proud, sinister smile is the last thing I remember of that day.”
Clearing my throat, I made to jump down, but Cas maneuvered his way between my legs, holding me in place. “Stop. I can’t hear any more. Not now.” I glanced down to where he gripped the counter. Every knuckle was stark white, completely void of color. “Tell me, is there anything I shouldn’t do or say or mention? Any triggers I should know about now?”
I shrugged. Chewing on the edge of my thumb, I said, “That’s why I said earlier that we can’t do this. I don’t know if I have any triggers. What if… what if everything you do is, or nothing at all? With everyone else, touch is a big one, but with you it isn’t. Then there’s the whole worry of being out of practice. I don’t want to be bad, you know.”
A hot hand pulled the thumb from my teeth. “ That’s what you’re worried about?”
Again I shrugged and attempted to pull the same thumb back to my lips, but his grip tightened, holding my hand against the counter.
“I mean, yeah. It’s been a long time, and what if I have a panic attack while we’re… you know.” I groaned and slapped a palm over my eyes.
Acting like this wasn’t the most bizarre conversation he’d ever had, Cas continued his questioning. “Do you have a lot of panic attacks?”
“I used to, but not as many lately. I manage them better now with the over-the-top rituals and Xanax.”
Cupping each cheek, he brushed the pads of his thumbs along my scorching cheekbones. “Don’t worry, Lady. We’ll go slow. I’ll take care of you, but you have to trust me and be honest. If something takes you sideways or I’m pushing you too far, you have to tell me.”
“Okay,” I whispered, unable to tear my gaze away from his. The dark depths held me, engulfing me in the now-familiar sensation of safety.
I never wanted it to end.
“Slow doesn’t mean gentle, Lady. Get that straight now. I told you before, I’m not a gentle man.”
“Honestly,” I said on a sigh, “that’s what I’m hoping for.”