Chapter 9
9
ELLIE
A high-pitched squeak emitted from where I scrubbed the damp rag along the pint glass rim. I’d dried this same glass for the last five minutes as I zoned out, only half listening to Janice. Which wasn’t like me at all. I always listened, offering my undivided attention so I could live vicariously through her stories, but tonight was different. He was here. Sitting at the far corner high-top with Alec, their full focus on the laptop between them. Whatever they were researching, it seemed engrossing; neither had looked up from the screen for a while. I would’ve noticed since I’d been inconspicuously watching out of the corner of my eye as I worked.
“You’re staring at them again ,” Janice said, snapping her thin fingers in front of my face.
Okay, maybe I wasn’t as inconspicuous as I thought.
I heaved a resigned sigh and placed the glass on the shelf along the back wall. When I turned, I found myself looking at them again. “What is wrong with me? I can’t stop.”
“Nothing is wrong with you, honey. Those two handsome men together is enough to get even my old lady parts a-tingling.”
I barked out a laugh and threw the rag half-heartedly at Janice; it plopped to the bar a few inches from her glass. “Stop it. That’s so gross.” I chewed the corner of my lower lip, wishing for the thousandth time since I took this job that I could sneak candy while on shift. But that was Carl’s one rule, so I followed it. “Is that normal? The”—I waved a hand below the bar—“tingling down there when someone is attractive?” Janice’s wrinkled brow softened with a pity-filled smile. “And the butterflies.” I motioned to my lower stomach. “And hot flashes, sweaty armpits, and clammy hands?”
“Which one does that to you?” Janice leaned in close, practically coming over the bar. “Which one has you all flustered? I’d take the big guy.” She turned to look over her shoulder. “He looks like he could work me over good, you know what I mean?”
I couldn’t help the laughing groan that escaped. “I guess Alec is good-looking, but he’s more like a big brother than sexy to me. Now the other one, the new guy?” I whistled and fanned my face.
Sheer horror washed over me, ice flooding through my veins as I watched Janice turn fully on the stool and lean both elbows back along the bar. “I can see that. There’s an edge to him, dangerous but not. He has a story lurking in there.” I muttered a curse when she circled a finger directly at Chandler, as if I didn’t already know who she was referencing. “Now that we know you do have a type, what are you going to do about it?”
“Do about it?” I said with an incredulous huff. “Nothing. I’m… well, me, and he’s someone who will leave after his job’s done. And I’ll still be here. I’ll always be here.” The dip in my tone made how I felt about that clear. Picking up the rag, I wiped down the clean bar top, hoping the movement would help fight back my rising tears.
Janice turned back around and rested a wrinkled, spotted hand on top of mine, stilling the movement. “Does any of that matter in the short term? I take it this is the first time you’ve seen a man who you’re truly attracted to, not guilted to like or forced.” Damn, how much had I revealed to Janice over the years? Apparently she’d been listening those nights I rambled on and on, even though I assumed she was napping with her head on the bar. “This is a big deal, honey. You need to act on it.”
“What if he doesn’t feel the same tingles?” Reaching beneath the bar, I grabbed my bottle of water and took a quick sip to wash back the emotions that clogged my throat. “How are you supposed to know if they feel the same? And if he does, what do I even want? Can I have casual sex? Do I want casual sex? What if?—”
“I’m going to stop you there, honey. First off, he’s a man. If you’re willing, he is too. Who knows? Maybe he’ll end up being your knight in shining armor and take you away from this town and give you the life you deserve. But the rest, well, in my day, we didn’t have casual sex. Only after you were married did that happen, but nowadays casual sex is accepted. But you have to be fine with the possibility that that’s all it will ever be. Does that make sense?”
I nodded even though I wasn’t quite sure what she meant. “What if I get attached, and then he just leaves?”
“The bigger question should be, what if you never try and live the rest of your life wondering what would’ve happened if you did?”
“Wow.” I nodded to her empty glass. “The next round is on me.”
Janice smiled, showing off the smear of pastel pink lipstick along her two front teeth. After refreshing her drink, I moved down the bar where Chandler had approached, an empty beer bottle in hand.
“Need another?” I asked, taking the sweating brown glass bottle. Our fingers grazed, shooting a bolt of heat straight to the apex of my thighs. I couldn’t move, didn’t want to break the connection and end this euphoric feeling.
“You okay?” One of Chandler’s long fingers brushed small circles along the top of my hand. My breathing hitched as I watched the movement.
I dipped my chin in acknowledgment. “Yeah, sure, I’m fine. Why the stab to the heart, you think?” I blurted.
Awesome. What a way to tell a guy you’re interested in having a noncommittal sexual relationship: by bringing up death. Clearly I was terrible at this.
“That’s what you’re going with right now?” That knowing smile of his grew. I loved it, the resurfaced happiness it displayed. I’d been right last night about him being sad, but this smile was genuine. Genuine for me.
“I’m no one,” I said in a hurry. “I know you want to disagree, but listen, I have no family, no real friends. I work too many jobs to get by because I can’t get a real one. I don’t have a legit education, I have zero clue what the difference is between all the kinds of ‘there’ or what in the hell geometry is all about?—”
“That’s most people,” he said, cutting off my self-deprecating rambling. “Why are you telling me this, Ellie? It feels like you’re warning me away from you.”
“I am. I mean, if you were even, you know, interested. Which you probably weren’t and it’s just me being all tingly and not you.”
“Tingly?”
“See, it’s just me.” I snatched the bottle away and tossed it in the trash. The glass shattered at the bottom. I cringed at the loud noise. “Can we not talk about this ever again? I’m better at the death stuff, it seems.”
Chandler tilted his head. Those insightful eyes looking through me the way they did last night and all day today. Seeing past it all. Past the town loner. Past my trauma. Past my dipshit exes. To me. Just me. No-last-name Ellie. The simple girl beneath it all who only wanted to live a life worth remembering.
“You are good at the death stuff.” My heart sank into my stomach. “And I was questioning the tingly part because that’s not really how it works for guys. It’s more of an urgent throb than a tingle.” To prove his point, he reached beneath the bar and adjusted himself. “I’m trying to read between the lines here, so help me out if I have this wrong. But it sounds like you’re attracted to me.”
“Yes.” The word was more of a breath than an actual syllable.
“Well, then, that’s a good thing, because I’m attracted to you too.” He paused, swiping a thumb along his lower lip. Why in devil’s balls was that so hot? “More than attracted. Intrigued. Curious. And you don’t even want to know how badly I want to bury my face between those thighs your small waitress uniform teased me with all day.”
“What?” I squeaked. A trembling hand gently grasped the base of my throat. My pulse pounded against my fingers.
“Too much?” With my heart in my throat, I couldn’t answer. “That’s fine. Just know when you’re ready, I’ll be waiting and willing.” Reaching to the other side of the bar with his long arms, Chandler opened the fridge door and pulled out a Budweiser. “Can I have the opener?”
The metal felt cool in my hot palm as I handed the opener to him, mouth gaping.
“Thanks.” He placed it on the bar and pushed it toward me. “And Alec and I are working a theory on why the single stab wounds to the heart and if we can find any connection to Jacob.” His features seemed to darken at the mention of my husband’s name. “We’ll figure it all out. Don’t worry. I’ll keep you safe. Thanks for the beer.”
Like he didn’t just make my panties wetter than a damn swimming pool, Chandler turned with a wink and sauntered back to the high-top where Alec sat smirking. My cheeks heated at his wink.
What if he heard what Chandler said about his face between my thighs?
Chest heaving with my rapid breaths, I turned and faced the wall lined with all the liquors I didn’t care to memorize. Both palms pressed to the edge of the back counter, I closed my eyes, attempting to settle my erratic heart rate. It felt like every cell was on fire, my skin crawling with the insistent itch that only he’d be able to scratch.
He said he’d wait. Wait for me to be ready.
Was I ready though?
I’d built a life after breaking free from Brett’s suffocating, possessive grip and turning my back on the only family I’d ever known when I didn’t return to The Church. Did every man require you to change for them? Were all relationships that slippery slope to losing yourself to their wants and demands?
There was only one way to find out.
Smacking both palms to the shiny surface, I lifted my chin in confidence and stared at myself in the mirror behind the liquor shelf. Gone was the dull look only loneliness and despair caused—a dullness most of the patrons in this bar wore. A new fire flickered behind my eyes, my cheeks flushed with excitement and desire.
The woman staring back at me smiled. The jet-black hair made my naturally tan skin look paler but highlighted my light eyes. The short bob wasn’t exactly flattering to my petite features, but it didn’t look terrible either. A fresh pink tinted my cheeks. I pressed three fingertips to my cheekbone, mesmerized by the natural blush that had never been there before.
Shifting my focus in the mirror, I studied the man who was quickly turning my world upside down in the matter of a day.
Or was it right side up?
How he was doing it I didn’t know or care; all I knew was something in me changed as a direct result to his presence. I didn’t grow stronger overnight, but mentally I felt like I could take on the world.
The bar door swung open, and a familiar form stumbled inside.
Take on the world, or a jackass of an ex. Baby steps.
Squaring my shoulders, I turned and crossed both arms over my chest, the earlier ache in my bicep a low throb thanks to the pain meds Chandler and Alec demanded I take. I monitored Brett’s weaving form as he careened through the bar. Clearly this wasn’t his first stop of the night.
Not that it ever was.
His drinking was always borderline excessive, but ever since that day I left him screaming from the front porch about how I would regret leaving him as I walked away, it had worsened significantly. This scene playing out before me was a familiar one, unfortunately. I eyed him warily as he slid onto the barstool in front of where I stood. He belched, covering his open mouth well after the disgusting bodily function.
How he maintained his job as police chief I hadn’t figured out. Maybe it was because the town was stuck in its ways and didn’t have a better option for someone in that role. Or because he was still riding on the coattails of his father, who was like a god in this town, so I was told. But that was years ago, and from the stories I’d heard, Brett was nothing like his father. Ryan must have gotten all the good family genes.
Not waiting for him to order his usual, which I wouldn’t serve him, I stepped to the well and filled a pint glass with ice water. I clunked the glass onto the bar, the water sloshing over the rim and forming a small puddle around the base.
Before I could pull my hand back, his snapped out and wrapped around my wrist.
“Ellie.” He burped again, this time keeping his mouth closed, those red cheeks ballooning out before he could swallow it back down. “I don’t need water.”
“I beg to differ.”
“You know I love hearing you beg.” I rolled my eyes and tugged at my hand, but his grip only tightened. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Janice watching the interaction, and the heavy sense of someone else watching meant Chandler was well aware of Brett’s hold too. “But no, Lizzy.” I always hated that nickname, and he knew it, only using it when he wanted to get under my skin, put me on the defensive. “I need you. All I want is you to come back. We belong together. Don’t you see that?”
“No we don’t.” I held in the wince as his grip tightened at my rejection. “Let go of my wrist, Brett.” His crooked, sinister smile had my stomach sinking. “I mean it. Let go. I have customers to serve.”
“Are you saying they’re more important than me?”
“It’s my job, Brett.” I softened my tone and shook the tension from my shoulders. Maybe if I changed my approach, he’d loosen his hold. “Come on now. You know everyone is watching.”
At that, his glassy eyes scanned the bar, stopping on the high-top where Alec and Chandler both sat staring. “What are those two doing here?”
“It’s a bar. They’re having a beer.”
“I want a beer.”
“You have water,” I retorted with a pointed look to the pint glass.
“I want you.”
“You have water,” I said slower, enunciating each word.
Heels pressed to the rubber mat, I pulled back, putting all of my light weight into slipping my wrist from his hold. Dropping it beneath the bar, I massaged the tender area. Yep, today was going down as one of the worst days. It had been months since Brett pushed the subject of us getting back together. Maybe it was Chandler’s presence that provoked this possessive burst to win me back.
The cold air of the beer fridge felt amazing on my warm skin as I grabbed two Budweisers and popped the tops off. Careful to keep them out of arm’s reach from my drunk ex, I set both on the bar. I locked eyes with Chandler and tilted my head toward the two glass bottles. He nodded and went back to glaring at the back of Brett’s head. I shivered at the intensity behind his gaze, but I wasn’t scared of Chandler or what he was capable of.
“Lizzy, are you even listening to me?”
“Nope,” I said absentmindedly as I continued to watch Chandler. Pretty sure he was plotting Brett’s death at that very moment.
Brett’s palm slammed against the bar, causing me to jump an inch in the air at the unexpected loud sound.
“Did all that I did for you mean nothing?” I held a breath knowing exactly what was coming next. It was his go-to tactic, guilting me into remembering the trauma-induced connection we had. He was a manipulating devil of a man. It was surprising that I ended that codependent relationship when I did. “You were always ungrateful for what all I did for you through all that shit and helping you settle into town.”
I found myself looking past Brett, staring at nothing as he continued to remind me how he was the best thing that ever happened to me. Would Chandler be the same way? Would he manipulate me into depending on him for survival? Would I lose myself even if he and I were just casual, or could this possibly be best-case scenario considering Chandler would leave as soon as the case was solved, severing whatever connection he had over me? There was no way he’d want to take someone like me back to DC with him.
Maybe it was me. Maybe I attracted men who wanted to dominate me body and soul.
Even with my vision unfocused and my mind lost in itself, a shift of movement caught my attention.
“Thanks for the beers, Ellie.” Chandler’s deep voice sliced through the heavy fog, bringing me out of my own thoughts and into the present. Only once I offered him a small smile did he shift his focus off me. “Chief Swann, good to see you again.” The sound of Chandler’s hand smacking between Brett’s shoulder blades seemed to echo through the small bar. “We’re doing some research on the case if you want to join us.”
Brett’s lip curled in a snarl. “Haven’t figured it out yet?” He burped and pounded a thick fist to the center of his chest. “Of course they’d send the shittiest profiler they had. No respect for a small town.”
“Yet you’ve had this case for almost two years and still have no leads. So does that mean you’re the shittiest police chief in a town you don’t respect?” Chandler brought one of the bottles to his lips, pausing to arch an eyebrow before taking a long pull.
Brett’s face turned a deep shade of red. The meaty hand he had on the bar shook with barely restrained anger before he tightened it into a fist.
“You’ll regret those words, Fed. I’ll make sure of it.” Shoving off the stool, he staggered to the side, catching himself on the bar before he tumbled to the ground. Turning my way, he smiled that fake smile that fooled most of the people in this town. “Come home so we can finish this conversation in private, Lizzy.”
I flinched like he’d physically slapped me because of that damn nickname again and his first two words. First Jacob and now Brett using the same phrase that the killer carved into that poor woman’s body. What did that mean?
Chandler leaned into Brett’s personal space. “What did you just say?”
Brett waved him off and dug in the front pocket of his pearl-snap shirt, pulling out a can of chewing tobacco. “That’s between me and her. Stay out of our business.”
“That’s not my home anymore. Hasn’t been for a while now, you know that. How about I call Ryan to pick you up?” I asked nervously, hoping it would snap the two out of their stare-down. The rising tension in the bar was threatening to suffocate me if I didn’t put a stop to it.
Brett huffed and scanned the bar with narrowed eyes. “Jake’s over there. I’ll get a ride from him. We’ll finish this conversation later, Ellie. It’s time to stop fighting this.” He gestured between us. “We were meant to be together. It’s time you realized that before you get hurt.”
Rapping a knuckle on the bar, he turned, slamming his shoulder right into Chandler’s chest before stomping toward his friend.
Before he could get too far, Chandler latched onto his bicep and tugged him to a stop, nearly taking Brett off his feet. “Was that a threat?”
“It was a warning. In case you haven’t noticed, women like her are turning up dead. She needs to come back home where I can keep her safe.”
“And who would keep me safe from you?” I stood straighter when the two whipped their heads my way. “Brett, thanks for the warning, but I’ll be fine.”
“You always were oblivious to the shit I protected you from.”
Inside, I recoiled at his words, but I held my ground, lifting my chin in defiance. “I discovered the monsters you warned waited in the shadows were less destructive than the one who stood in the light saying he loved me.”
“What happened to you?” Brett’s face shifted to one of faux concern. To everyone else, it looked genuine, but I knew better. “Why are you so bitter when all I did was love and support you? Held you when you needed it, listened and cared. Why was that so terrible that you now hold it all against me?”
Down the bar, a loud attention-drawing cough had us all turning toward the sound.
“Ellie, sweetheart, can you get me another spritzer?” Janice’s penciled-in brows rose up her forehead, her lips pursed in an expectant look. She was one of the only people in this town besides Alec who saw through Brett’s mask. Her unwavering support had been the rock I needed the past two years to keep me from running back to him when things were unbearably tough on my own.
“Sure, Janice.” Looking to the two men who were back to staring each other down, I tossed a bar rag over my shoulder and pulled the bottle of white wine from the fridge. “And you two take it outside if you need to. I’m exhausted from this shit day and don’t need a mess to clean up if you get into it.”
As I fixed the drink, I overheard Brett mumble something to Chandler but couldn’t make out the words or catch Chandler’s response. When I turned back toward their end of the bar, both men were gone, Brett with Jake by the pool table and Chandler back in his seat beside Alec.
With a sigh, I tugged the rag off my shoulder and wiped up the small puddle left by Brett’s glass, which he thankfully took with him.
As my shift dragged on, Brett’s words stuck with me. “Women like her are turning up dead . ” Maybe I hadn’t considered it until today, or didn’t put two and two together that no family members had come to town demanding answers, but those women were like me.
That should’ve scared me. Made me run back to the safety Brett offered.
But all I felt was sad.
Sad for them, sad for me. Because no one cared that they were dead. Tossed aside like trash. Missing for months without anyone ever noticing they were gone from this world.
Somehow, I knew, that too was my fate.
To have never existed enough for anyone to care when I was gone.
My destiny was written the day I was born into The Church, then solidified when Jacob chose me as his destined bride. And everyone knows there’s no escaping destiny.
Especially for a no one like me.
Only a miracle would shift the trajectory of my life, and I wasn’t holding my breath for any of those to come my way.