Sage
TWELVE
We are back home, and Luna tagged along, which is great. I love Luna, but I’m gonna need her to fuck right off.
My stomach is a riot of grease, guilt, and fear. We really should stop going to Earl’s. All that fat is going to kill us one day. But mostly it’s guilt, if I’m honest. I feel like shit.
I should have tried harder to stop him from going over to Karen’s. But the real fear is him finally picking up on everything and asking some damn questions.
Maybe it’s a good thing Luna can’t read a damn room. With her here, I have a buffer. A buffer to stop me from kissing him again. A buffer from Mac using his brain and finishing the puzzle.
Yeah, it’s probably for the best. After he relaxed at the diner, after he was back to pretending everything was a-okay, I couldn’t keep my eyes from him. Couldn’t stop looking at his sexy-as-hell mouth. Was it always that sexy?
“You boys really ran with the white trash image, huh?” Luna asks, toeing away a pair of dirty socks with a look of pure disgust. She makes a show of wiping down the couch before her royal pain in the ass sits down.
The trailer is a mess, but not that bad. So what? Some clothes didn’t find their way to a laundry basket. Who the fuck cares? Who does she think she is, the queen? This isn’t Buckingham Palace.
God, I need to ease up. It’s not Luna’s fault I’m a chicken shit.
It’s not her fault I can’t just come clean.
I don’t even know why I can’t seem to just come out with it.
It would ease so much of his anxiety if he knew the truth.
But every time I go to just get it over with and tell him, I clam up.
He opens his stupid mouth, and bam. I lose all my nerves.
Why does his mouth have to be so distracting?
I’ve kissed guys before, no big deal. Dated a girl who had a real MM fantasy she wanted to play out. So, me and Bo made out for her. Not a big thing. I didn’t get hard while kissing Bo. Didn’t try and rut against him like a wanton whore. So what’s the deal with Mac?
“That’s all, Mr. Nudist,” Mac says, cutting off my inner turmoil on gay awakenings.
“Huh?” I grab a bag of stale chips off the counter just to have something to do. If I don’t keep my hands busy, there’s a chance I’ll grab him and kiss him. Or take it further and grab that cock I felt hard against mine.
“You can’t keep clothes on, dude. You strip the second you walk in the door.” Luna laughs and looks over at me with a weird look I don’t have time for. Go meddle somewhere else, punk rock Barbie doll.
“It’s hot as shit in the trailer. Excuse me for getting comfortable in my own goddamn home.” I plopped down next to Luna who is still looking at me all smug and shit.
“Did I say I didn’t like it?” Mac asks the room, looking between Luna and me, his stupid mouth smirking. I kissed those lips. I licked my way between them.
Shit. Now my cock is getting ideas about recreating the scene now. Jesus. I drop the bag over my semi-hard dick. This is like high school all over again. Popping random wood over stupid shit.
“Ok…Well besides the whole nudist thing, you happy to be back?” Luna, the bitch, finally stops giving me weird looks and directs her attention to Mac.
I relax a little into the couch. Only a little.
Mac, that asshole, sits on the coffee table in front of me.
Legs spread wide the fuck open, the outline of his dick imprinted in the fabric of his basketball shorts.
My mind kind of shuts down. I don’t hear whatever Mac says, or what I’m sure is a clever response from Luna. It’s just me making eye contact with another guy’s dick.
He must feel my eyes drilling into his crotch, because his dick twitches against his shorts. He doesn’t look at me, though, just continues talking to Luna like I’m not here. Fucking rude. Comes back here and completely fucks with my head, then gives Luna all his attention.
Hungover me shouldn’t be allowed around people. Add in Karen and her bullshit this morning, and I’m pissed. One step away from starting some pointless fight just to have an outlet.
“Honey. You don’t know?” Luna sits forward, elbows on her tattooed knees, looking at Mac like he’s about to shatter completely.
Shit. Shit. Shit. What did I miss?
“Luna,” I warn, not knowing what they are talking about, but having a pretty good idea. Her head whips towards me. I try to communicate she needs to shut the fuck up with my eyes, but she ignores me.
“What?” Mac asks quietly. It’s my turn to ignore him. I just continue to threaten Luna with intense eye contact. She stares back, screaming words at me with a closed mouth. Please, God, keep her mouth fucking closed. I can take her looks, not her words.
“Fuck this, Sage. He should know.” She turns back towards Mac, and my stomach drops. This is it. This is the moment I’ve been dreading. He’s gonna learn the truth, and all thoughts of future kissing, future anything will fly out the window.
“Dave is dead, Mac. That’s what Karen was talking about.” Luna drops the grenade at Mac’s feet. Her hand on his knee while she blows my life apart. I can do nothing but watch all the emotions play out on Mac’s face.
Fuckkkk!!!!!
Mac looks at me with utter shock and disbelief. His mouth, the one I won’t be allowed to kiss again, opens and shuts a few times.
“I’m sorry,” I say through lips that have gone numb. I feel like I’m going to be sick. Throw up all that shit I ate at Earl’s. Bile rises up the back of my throat, but I force it down. The nausea gets worse when he looks away from me. He pins Luna with all his focus, disregarding me completely.
“He’s…dead?”
“He died soon after you left. I…I thought you would have heard.” She looks at me, then back to Mac. “I’m sorry…God, I need to learn to keep my mouth shut.” Damn right you do, fucking Barbie! But I can’t say that. I can’t say anything. My throat has gone dry, and my heart is somewhere near my ass.
While I want to direct every ounce of anger at her pretty little head, I can’t. I’m in this mess because I couldn’t tell Mac the truth. Couldn’t tell him what I did. Couldn’t spill the secret I kept from him for two years out of spite.
“How…why…the hell?” His intense stare is back on me, but I don’t want it now. “Sage?”
I close my eyes for a second, shutting them out. A whole alternate universe gets created in my head. One where Mac never finds out what happened. One where we can explore what this kissing means. One where he doesn’t hate me. But reality is a pesky whore, and I open my eyes.
“Dave is dead…and…” I swallow the nerves and nausea that claws up my throat. “I killed him.” I watch as the words find their mark. I watch the confusion set in. He’s shaking his head, back and forth, back and forth. His hair flopping with every sharp shake.
Luna sits back against the couch. Suddenly at a loss of words now that she’s thrown the Molotov cocktail into my life. She just sits back and watches it all burn to the ground.
I wanted more time. More fucking time with Mac before he found out. I know he won’t hate me for ending Dave. He’ll understand that part. He’ll hate me for killing him and keeping him in the dark.
For two years, I let him live in fear. Every dark corner Dave could hide in. I could have prevented that. Dave was gone, never able to hurt him again. But I let him live with his head on a swivel. I ignored his attempts at reaching out.
I was so fucking furious and hurt that he left. I wanted to punish him. I wanted him to be afraid. I wanted him to hurt. The longer I kept the secret, the harder it got to tell him. I know it’s fucked up. I know I’m a fucking shit person.
Then I called and he came running. I told him to stay with me, and he did. Then I kissed him, and he kissed me back. And I regret everything.
“You killed him? When?” I can’t answer. I can’t. That will be the final nail in the coffin. His eyes are glassy, and he’s looking at me with a mix of hope and fear.
“I…” I can’t. The words won’t come out. Luna places her hand on my knee. A gentle squeeze that feels like it’s someone else’s leg. But it’s mine, and I’m numb.
“A week after you left,” Luna answers the question I can’t. She opened this door; it is only fair she closes it.
The world stops. My heart stops, my lungs stop needing air. For a second, I’m trapped in suspense. A bated breath, a skipped beat.
Then everything burns.