17. Mac
SEVENTEEN
MAC
NOW
Work is bullshit. Who needs fucking jobs? I know I do, but it’s fucking bullshit. I’ve grown fond of eating, though. I should offer to help cover rent at the trailer. Sage has a decent job, but maybe it would help ease some stress. Would that be weird?
Usually, I love being in the garage with Henry. Fixing cars, talking shit. But today, I’m antsy. Anticipation to go home makes my blood feel like lava under my skin. I keep making stupid mistakes, which makes Henry have even more of an attitude.
He’s been in a great mood today. Absolutely delightful. Slamming down tools, kicking tires, muttering under his breath. He is one small inconvenience away from ripping my head off. He gave me an earful when I pulled the Mustang in and lifted it up.
Pretty sure Sage hasn’t done a full oil change in years. I’m honestly surprised he hadn’t blown a rod through his engine. But Sage has always had weird luck. Like finding money in a parking lot every day for a week—it apparently extends to cars not dying like they should.
I did the bare minimum on the Mustang. Agreeing everything comes out of my paycheck. So I might have to hold off on offering to pay half the rent.
Whatever has Henry’s panties in a bunch is happening at a shit time. I don’t have patience with other people’s drama right now. I have enough going on.
Dave’s dead. Mom’s dead. Karen is more fucked up than ever. Sage fucking murdered my dad. It’s been a lot. So no, Henry, I can’t coddle your temper tantrum right now.
All day, I’ve been playing out conversations in my head. I have so many conflicting thoughts and emotions. The conversations all play out with varying endings. After how shit went down yesterday, I have no fucking clue how this will go.
Changing the tires on an old Ford F150, I make a list. Before I can talk anything out with Sage, I gotta get my head in order.
I’m grateful Dave is dead.
Sad Sage had to go through that.
I miss Mom. I hate that I wasn’t there for her when she needed me. Hate that I wasn’t there for Sage.
I’m pissed Sage didn’t tell me he killed Dave. Livid he didn’t tell me when I came back.
I understand why he avoided me for those two years. Especially after seeing him this morning when he thought I had left again. But I’m still mad he kept this from me.
I’m not sure I have a right to my anger, though.
I’m fucking enraged with myself, for avoiding everyone in the park.
June called once a week after I ran. I was still fucked up from the beating, and I ignored it.
But I should have called her back. Luna called a lot those first few weeks, too.
She never left a message, never texted. I can’t play the victim in all of this. I made choices, too.
I think I need to apologize…a lot. I know I need to earn his trust again. He was so fucking terrified this morning. Seeing him pale and scared was a swift kick in the nuts. I don’t ever want to put that look on his face again.
I desperately want a repeat of everything that happened after, though. I never thought I’d get to have him like that. Never thought I’d get to kiss and touch him like I’ve wanted to since I was seventeen.
Ok, that’s not a safe line of thinking while at work. All I need is Henry to bitch me out because I got hard on the job.
“God fucking damnit!” Henry shouts, followed by a bunch of clanking and a loud bang. “I’m done. I’m locking up. Go home.”
While Henry isn’t a ray of sunshine every day, today’s been weird. Kind of feel guilty for not trying to see if he’s ok.
“You good, man?” I ask, finishing up, tightening the last lug nut on the back tire.
“Fine. Fucking fine. Just go home, son.” It used to bug me when he called me son. Made my hackles rise, but now I don’t mind. I even find myself enjoying the term of endearment. “See ya tomorrow.” He storms off towards his office and slams the door.
If I had any emotional bandwidth left, I’d check on him. But instead, I pull down the garage doors and drive home, promising myself I’ll talk to Henry after I get my own shit sorted.
On the way home, I stop at Marian’s Pizza. We used to go there when we were kids, whenever we had money. They used to have a small arcade in the back. Sage, Luna, Jeremy, and I would search endlessly for spare quarters, just to kick each other’s asses at Mortal Combat.
Now all the old machines are gone, and a birthday party room took its place. At least something around here changed.
The closer I get home, the more nerves build. The smell of pizza has my anxious stomach flipping. Even after all my mental play-outs of conversations, I’m no closer to knowing how this will go.
Parking in front of the trailer, I grab the pizza boxes and climb out. Looking around, I see June stepping outside with a paper plate, setting it down on the railing. She shoots me a wink and goes back inside.
As soon as her door shuts, a small kid with shaggy, black hair darts towards the plate, snatching it off the railing and running away. His clothes are two sizes too small, his face smudged with dirt and grime.
That used to be me.
I used to sneak up to June’s trailer for her PB&Js. I watch the kid run off towards the docks, casting suspicious glances over his shoulder. June watches the kid through her window, a sad expression on her face till the curtain falls and she disappears behind it.
Some things never change. June will always try and help the kids around the park. Always be there for anyone who needs her. I smile one last time at the scene I just witnessed and turn towards the trailer.
The trailer is a mess. Walking in the door, I have to side step around boxes and trash bags of stuff. Each one with scribbled “Goodwill” or “sell” marking them. A random K-Pop song blares from down the hall, along with giggles.
Alright, already starting this off different than any of my play by plays.
“Think I could pull this off?” Setting down the pizzas on the coffee table, Luna’s voice filters down the short hall.
“You want to wear my mother’s bra? My dead mother’s bra?” Sage answers dryly. What the fuck?
Mom’s room door is wide open. For the first time since I’ve been back, it’s open. I see Lizzy sitting on the floor, looking through something in a discolored tote bag. Why…
“Mac. You’re home early.” Sage climbs over a box at his feet and stops short. His hand nervously rubs the back of his neck.
“Yeahhh…what’s happening right now?” Luna smiles from the dresser. A devious smirk, more like.
“It was Luna’s idea,” Sage rushes out too quickly. “But uh…figured you’re staying for a while. And my room is too small. It was time to go through all this shit, anyways.” He shrugs, looking around at the mess they’ve made.
“You sure you’re ok with this?” I ask quietly, not trying to include Luna or Lizzy in this conversation.
“Yeah. I’m sure, it was past time.” He looks so fucking adorable.
Nervous with a slight blush to his cheeks.
Without thinking it through, I pull him towards me by his shirt.
His eyes are shocked for a second before I plant a kiss on his lips.
Just a small kiss, gentle and sweet. When I pull away, his smile makes my heart jump.
“Awww.” Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I probably shouldn’t have done that. Not in front of them. We haven’t talked about what this is. Or what it means. Or anything. While I berate myself for stepping over the line, he just smiles.
Why isn’t he freaking out? He’s just standing there, looking at me and smiling like a psycho. My stomach swoops and my heart dives as I wait for him to flip out.
“Don’t freak,” he tells me. He tells me!
“I’m not. Why aren’t you?” I whisper, although I’m sure Luna and Lizzy are both listening.
“Dunno,” he says dismissively, shrugging his shoulder like this is not a big deal to him. “I’m just not.” Guess we can cross off gay crisis of our long list of needed conversations.
“I’m totally freaking out,” Luna chimes in, confirming she’s a nosey brat. We both look over at her with matching scowls. “Awwww,” she coos, sending Lizzy into a fit of laughter.
How am I supposed to talk about murder and dead parents when I’m so fucking happy?