Chapter Ten
Chapter
Ten
The dismalites glow on the canyon walls like stars in the night sky. Each one appears to flicker, but our guide tells us they give off a steady light. Their minuscule movements trick our eyes.
“This next part has lots of roots and stones in the path, so best to use your lights. Red, if you have ’em,” our guide calls out in his thick southern accent. He’s a fount of knowledge and clearly passionate about this hidden wonder in Alabama. I could hear the anger and sadness in his voice when he pointed out a dark section of the canyon wall where not a single glowing body could be spotted. In the daylight, he told us, we’d be able to see how the space is covered in graffiti.
Fucking teenagers.
As we make our way through a series of connected caverns at a meandering pace, I’m relieved at how nonstrenuous the trek is. Knowing my brother, I wouldn’t be surprised if the coordinates of one or more of his letters send us on a hike that would have me struggling to catch my breath.
Josh knew about and respected the severity of my asthma, but he also would point out how avoiding physical activity altogether wouldn’t help my lungs. We got into plenty of bickering matches about it. Eventually, Josh figured out the best way to get me to step out of my comfort zone was with bribery.
And what’s a better bribe than his final words?
I’ll climb a mountain for one of those envelopes.
Note to self: Get in touch with a breathing specialist. Just in case.
I used to see one regularly when I first moved to Seattle. The change in environment seemed to aggravate my airways until I was using my inhaler multiple times a day. But she prescribed me a new medication and talked me through some breathing exercises that helped. After college, I let my appointments and exercises trail off. Now, with the possibility of more outdoor adventures, I should start thinking about how to keep breathing through them.
But that’s a problem to deal with when I get home. For now, I can take advantage of the easy pace, only worrying about an occasional tripping hazard.
In the darkness of the cavern, I can still see the broad silhouette of Dom’s shoulders. That doesn’t stop me from flinching and almost fumbling Josh when a warm pair of hands covers mine.
“Here.” Dom’s fingers guide mine to a button on the flashlight he handed me before we started the tour. “This’ll turn on the red light.”
I should’ve known that not only would Dom come prepared with flashlights for the both of us, but they’d be equipped with the red lights that don’t affect our night vision and don’t bother the worms as much.
Larva , I correct myself. Our guide explained that the little glowing creatures covering these walls are actually fly larva. True glow worms are found in New Zealand and Australia. But the guy’s cheerful explanation gave me the sense that he didn’t mind the incorrect label as long as people were still interested in seeing the beauty of them.
I flick on the red light and detangle my hands from Dom’s. He lets me go, turning on his own light and waving for me to walk ahead of him.
Noise doesn’t bother the dismalites, and other voices chatter around us as we all file forward. The tour group includes a family of five and a couple. There’s a teenage girl with the family and when we all first gathered, she gaped at Dom like he was the personification of Taylor Swift tickets. The sight reminded me so much of my younger self that I was tempted to laugh. But my humor faded quickly into irritation when I remembered exactly how the man treated my awe in the past.
Some girls who hook up with their crush and get dropped the next day might feel used. But I don’t even have the option of adding that to his sins.
No, that night, after weeks of us spending almost every minute of the day together, Dom didn’t use me. He only gave. Gave me kisses. Gave me hot touches. Hell, the guy even gave me my first orgasm.
Dom took his time, asked me what felt good, cradled me against his body, and stroked my clit until he figured out how to make me fall apart. He taught me what my body wanted. Meanwhile, he asked for nothing in return.
At first, I thought that made him a good man. Someone to trust and give my heart to and pin my pathetic hopes on.
But even at nineteen, I should’ve known better. I’d already learned that the only person I could trust to not toss me aside was my brother.
All those beautiful things Dom gave me? They didn’t mean anything.
Because that night was only a favor.
A thank-you for helping his family out.
A I know you’ve had a crush on me for your entire life, so here, I’ll touch you once before I lock down the woman I actually want to be with .
To him, I was a responsibility. A charity case. A box on a to-do list to check off.
Well, he did me, and I hate him for it.
And I hate that my body can’t seem to get on board the hating train with my brain. My body would like to be added to his to-do list again, with a few extra check boxes next to the task.
The skin on my hands buzzes and tingles where his palms pressed moments ago. Flexing my fingers to disperse the sensation, I point my red-tinted flashlight at the ground in front of my feet and shuffle forward.
I try to forget Dom is behind me as I listen to our guide and follow the group through the twists and turns. Some of the canyon stretches high above us, and other parts press in close until we have to shimmy through claustrophobic spaces.
It’s just after pressing my body through one of these that I’m forced to come to a stop. The kid in front of me acts as a cork in the bottleneck as he bends over and blocks my way. The teenager tries to take a picture with a cell phone camera that is not equipped to pick up the subtle glow of a larva.
Josh would have a camera that could. My brother captured the most gorgeous wildlife photos, and I’m not just saying that because I’m his sister. Josh won awards. He got hired by big name publications and companies that flew him all over the world. His success can be gleaned simply from the large number that was left to Dom and me in his will to fund these ash-spreading excursions.
But what I loved most about my brother’s photos was the way he’d send them to me. Whenever Josh took a shot he was particularly proud of, he’d commission a puzzle made out of it and mail the pieces to me in a bag. I wouldn’t know what the shot was until I pieced everything together.
The walls of my condo are covered in framed finished puzzles of his work.
“Come on,” the teen mutters to himself, pinching his fingers on the screen as if zooming in all the way will help.
There’s a grunt behind me, and I angle my light back to see what’s up.
Dom, who was following close behind me, is bent at a weird angle to get his large body through the thin opening in the canyon walls. Now he’s stuck there because we can’t move forward with the amateur photographer holding up the line.
Dom tries to hide the grimace on his face, but even in the dim light, I see the discomfort twisting his lips.
I turn back to the kid. “Those are brighter,” I lie, pointing to a wall farther on that’s scattered with little glowing larva. “You’ll have better luck there.”
He glances at me, straightens real fast, and pockets his phone. “Oh. Cool. Thanks.” Then he scurries away, clearing the path forward. I make to follow but pause when I don’t hear Dom’s bothersome footsteps behind me. Turning, I realize the man is in the same spot I left him.
“Come on, you massive pain in my ass.” I pat my leg like I’m calling a dog to heel.
Dom grunts again. “I’m stuck.”
“Are you kidding me?” I run my light over all the places his body touches rock. “I don’t have any butter on hand to grease you up.” The space didn’t seem that small when I went through it. But he does have a handful of inches and a lot more bulk than I do. “Use those vanity muscles of yours and pop yourself free.”
Dom’s scowl deepens in the red glow of my flashlight. “They’re not vanity. I play on two rec baseball leagues.”
“Ooo. Two. So impressive. I’m swooning.” In high school, I totally did. Watching Dom play wearing those tight pants, swinging that bat, melted my hormonal brain. But now I’m over all that. The idea of him sprinting around bases and sliding through the dirt as it sticks to his sweaty skin does nothing for me.
Nothing.
As I taunt Dom, I move in closer to get a better look at his predicament. “Did they give you letterman jackets?”
He doesn’t respond, and his silence is telling.
“Oh my god. They did, didn’t they?” I cackle at the mental image of grown men trying to relive their high school glory days. “What do they even say on them?”
“It was a company gift. It’s got the company name. Now can you please ”—he grits the word out—“help me. I think it’s my belt loop, but I can’t reach at this angle.” His long arm tries to touch his lower back, but the stone outcropping is in the way.
Tilting my head, I consider this man who I’ve resented for the past seven years. “I should leave you here.”
“Maddie,” he growls. And damn him for the way that makes my nipples perk up. My areolas are so happy, I bet they’ve started glowing like the larva. Damn bioluminescent nipples!
“Fine.” Coming to the rescue is an easier decision than I expected. And maybe the role reversal is why. Because I’m the hero in this situation. The one giving Dom help. The opposite version of this dynamic emotionally devastated me, but if I can keep the power in my corner, maybe I can stand to be around Dom for the next six trips without wanting to smother him in his sleep. “Here. Hold Josh.” This time when I hand off my brother, I find it surprisingly easy. Probably because Dom is trapped and at my mercy.
But there’s also something about how Dom’s hand fully engulfs the small Rubbermaid container that has me feeling like my brother is safe.
I don’t bother using my flashlight, instead relying on feel. The denim of Dom’s jeans is warmer than the humid air of this cavern, but I ignore that fact as I drag my touch along his waistband in search of the misbehaving belt loop. This close, Dom’s breathing sounds overly loud and a tad ragged. When my thumb brushes the skin of his lower back, I hear a catch in his inhale.
Part of me wants to torture him by taking my time, but another part, the one that remembers endless incidents of Dom knocking his head on low ledges, and stuffing himself into too-small desk chairs, and bruising his elbows in bathroom stalls, can’t stand the idea of him suffering any longer. Plus, that cedar scent of his is too strong, overwhelming my senses and tempting my body to lean in closer and breathe in deeper.
As I’m forcing myself to focus on my task, my fingertips encounter the stiff protrusion of what feels like a root—Dom was right about his belt loop getting caught. I tug and press and slide until the root gives up its hold.
When I step back, Dom watches my retreat.
“You should be good,” I tell him.
He presses off the rock, and his body slides through.
“Thank you, Maddie.”
There he goes again, saying my name unnecessarily.
“Try not to let any more trees fondle you.” I extend my hand for Josh.
Dom stares at my palm for a stretch, then he reaches out with his, lacing his long fingers with mine.
Holding my hand.
I’m too stunned to do anything other than gape at the way we’re connected. The way we’re touching .
Eventually, I find my voice.
“What are you doing?” And why is my tone so light? It’s supposed to be sharp and reprimanding.
His thick brows dip. “You held out your hand.”
“For Josh.”
Those brows pop straight back up, and he drops his eyes to his other hand that cradles my brother’s remains. “Right.”
“Yeah.” Remembering myself, I yank out of Dom’s grip.
He clears his throat as his now-free hand drops to his side and fists. He offers Josh to me, and I take him, turning without meeting Dom’s stare again.
Luckily, the group hasn’t gotten too far ahead of us while I helped free Dom from the rock passage. When I rejoin the gathering, our guide is giving a lesson about the dismalites.
“Now in this larva state, they’re focused on eating. Getting as many nutrients stored up as possible. Because when they’re flies, they’re only alive for one day. And that day they’re focused on one thing.”
“Yeah. Fucking,” I hear the teenager who was trying to take a photo earlier mutter, then snicker at his own joke.
But he’s not wrong. Our guide explains how that single day of life is how we get more dismalites, wink wink .
My mind sticks on that fact.
One day.
And I thought Josh’s life was short.
What would I do if I only had one day?
My eyes flick over to Dom. He’s caught up to the group, the shadowy form of him looming behind me. He has his head tilted up, gazing at the dots of light higher on the canyon walls, the strong column of his neck illuminated by the gentle glow of the moon sneaking through a crack in the ceiling.
I jerk my head away and give it a shake.
What I would do in a single day doesn’t matter. I have plenty of days. So many I would have been happy to divide them and give my brother a few. More than a few.
If I could have given Josh half my remaining lifetime, I would have.
Our group moves on, and I hear the pound of water falling over a cliffside.
“You all have been a great bunch! I hope you come back for a day hike to see a different version of the canyon,” the guide calls back to us.
Wait, we’re at the end?
I stop abruptly, and a large force knocks into my back, then grabs my shoulders to steady me.
“Maddie?”
I turn, feeling time and opportunity slipping away. “The tour is done. We need to spread the ashes.”
In the glow of my flashlight, I see Dom’s jaw firm and he gives a quick nod of his head.
Between our bodies, I pop the lid off the container. Then I click off my light, and Dom does the same. Darkness overwhelms us, but only at first.
Little pinpricks of light grow brighter as our eyes adjust. It feels like the stars are within arm’s reach.
“He said to leave him in the glow,” I whisper, not sure what else to say.
Dom offers a small grunt of agreement. “He’ll like it here. He’s a night owl.”
“True.” I’m thankful for the dark when my hands start to shake. And as much as I resent him, I’m also thankful for Dom in this moment. The way he just spoke about Josh existing in the present. In the future.
As if he believes my brother isn’t truly gone.
“Goodbye, Josh.” I tilt the container and let the particles of my brother spill onto the canyon floor.
Dom stays quiet, keeping vigil during one more of my goodbyes.