Chapter Twenty-Nine
Chapter
Twenty-Nine
“Maddie, did you hear anything I just said?”
I stare at Pamela’s face on my computer screen and realize that at some point in the last ten minutes, my brain automatically tuned my boss out. Not that what she was saying wasn’t important. I honestly have no idea if it was or if she was reciting her grocery list. The problem is, I’ve been having trouble concentrating ever since getting back from South Dakota last week.
“I’m sorry. My internet seems spotty today. Your audio and video are going in and out.” Okay, yeah, so I’m a liar. But to be honest, I would say seventy-five percent of the information that she tells me in these meetings could have been written in a single email.
“Fine.” Pamela sighs. “I guess I’ll send it to you in an email.”
And my point is proven.
“Thank you so much. And I’ll be sure to follow up on the market dashboards we talked about. “
“Oh good. Yes, that needs to happen. And can you also consolidate the team’s quarterly performance reviews?”
“Sure. I’m on it.”
I shouldn’t have said that. Shouldn’t have agreed to take on extra tasks that aren’t in my job description. Sometimes there’s so much additional work I feel like I have another full-time job.
But the idea of saying no to Pamela gives me hives.
She appreciates my work. Considers me an invaluable part of the company. And I got an impressive holiday bonus, plus a raise.
Do not ruin a good thing!
We log off our meeting and for a stretch I just stare at my blank screen and hype myself up to do my job. Normally, it’s not like this. Normally, I am in work mode practically twenty-four seven.
But other things have been crowding my mind.
Mainly the mental image of a naked Dom.
Followed closely by the words we spoke to each other right before parting ways.
“Are you seeing anyone?” Dom had asked me when we were fifteen minutes away from the airport. “In Seattle?”
“Way to ask me that after our two-day sex marathon.”
He’d glared at me, and I’d rolled my eyes. “No. I’m not seeing anyone. Currently, I am sleeping with you. And only you. Are you currently sleeping with me, and only me?”
That earned a reluctant smile from his stern mouth. “Yes. You and only you.”
“Cool. If that changes, please let me know.” And I was proud I didn’t even hint at what happened that summer.
“It’s not going to change.”
I liked how he said that. Kind of with a warning growl.
“Awesome. But if it does, give me a heads-up.”
“Maddie.” He sighed my name like I was the most exasperating woman in the world, which for Dom, I probably am.
But then he reached over the center console and held my hand until we arrived at the rental car return. Then he stood close to me in the security line and walked with me to my gate—even though it was the opposite direction of his—and watched my stuff while I used the bathroom. When they called my boarding group, he did the same check of my items he’d performed at the Dallas airport, only this time he kissed me when his checklist was complete.
“Come to the twins’ graduation,” he said the moment our lips parted.
I told him I’d think about it.
A week later I’m still thinking about it.
And about him.
And about whatever the hell we’re doing.
What is happening between us?
It feels so much like that time when I was nineteen that it scares me. But it also feels deeper. It feels like more. Like all the barriers I put in place have cracks in them and Dom is finding his way through to the center of me. And having him here, so close to my heart, is wonderful and terrible. Because I don’t know how to trust it. How to trust him.
Maybe we’re just…bang buddies. Ash-spreading bang buddies.
Though I doubt this is what Josh had in mind when he left me the task of watching over his friend.
Shoving up from my desk, I pace around my apartment, my feet leaving imprints in my newly vacuumed carpet. Sometimes I stress clean. Luckily, I have plenty of framed puzzles to dust. I pluck my Swiffer from the closet and get to work, starting with the puzzled-together image of a redwood forest that hangs above my bed.
I know what Josh is trying to do with these letters. He’s forcing me to have adventures. Part of me loves him for it. But another part of me hates how he continues to force me out of my comfort zone. How this request takes away my safety. Not so much physically, although there is that risk every time I pull out my inhaler because my breath is short. But Josh unknowingly is forcing me to risk my heart. Because it’s impossible to spend any amount of time around Dom and not give him pieces of it.
He hurt me in the past. He wrecked me.
Would I survive if he did it again?
Rain pounds against the windows in my apartment, reflecting the storm in my mind.
If I keep it simple, I can keep my heart safe. If Dom and I just hook up when we’re together, but don’t plan or ask for more.
That was the problem when I was younger. I thought I was at the beginning of an epic love story. If I know this is simply a release for us both, one that will end when the trips do, then there’s no reason for my heart to break.
“I wish you were still here so I could yell at you about this.” I say the words to the pirate trunk that holds the rest of Josh’s remains, imagining that my brother can hear me. “You always wanted me to be brave like you. But I’m not like you. Honestly, I think I’m a coward. And it’s not fair that you can go and die and leave me with this task that forces me to be uncomfortable around your sexy best friend and I can’t even argue with you about it.”
I laugh in exasperation.
And then I think of the graduation.
I should be pumped about the idea of supporting Adam and Carter on their big day, and I am. But my mind also does the math that adding this trip means instead of three more Dom meetups, I’ll have four.
Graduation, North Dakota, Idaho, and Alaska.
The tangle of emotions in my brain and chest intensifies. I am eager for the next adventure. The next time that I see Dom and I can touch him and kiss him and he’ll hold me and we’ll open an envelope together and we’ll do or say whatever Josh asked us and…
And I’ll have to say one more goodbye. And then I’ll only have two left.
Which brings on guilt.
Guilt that I’ve pushed for these trips to happen as soon as we could manage. Guilt that I want to charge into these adventures even more now because I’ll get to see Dom again. Guilt because in my eagerness, I’ve chipped away the final pieces of my brother.
Now that Josh’s correspondence is dwindling, I want to wait forever to read the rest of the words. I want them now. And I don’t ever want them to end.
What do I do after Alaska?
What will happen when I don’t have anything left from my brother?
When I have to figure out a way to be brave on my own, will I be the Maddie that I’ve always been? Will I take something from this time of bravery with me?
Will I take Dom?
His friendship. That’s a precious thing I should try to hold on to. We can go back to being texting friends from afar. After the last trip, I doubt we’ll see each other again. Not for a while anyway.
But I want to see him now as something more than friends. And I want to see him without the countdown of Josh’s final goodbye hanging over us. A bonus trip.
Having made a decision, I settle back at my laptop and force myself to concentrate on work till five p.m. Like usual, I actually end up logging off somewhere closer to seven.
Then I pour myself a drink, smirking at the memory of Dom asking me to hold off on my hot toddy because he wasn’t sure if I actually wanted him.
Maddie: What should I bring the twins for their graduation?
Barely five minutes pass before I get a response in the form of rapid-fire buzzes.
Dom: You’re coming?
Dom: When does your flight get in? Are you flying into Philly?
Dom: I’ll pick you up.
Dom: You’ll stay at my place.
I press my glass against my mouth to cool my grin.
Maddie: I haven’t booked a flight yet
Maddie: And that’s presumptuous
Dom: I have a big comfortable bed.
Maddie: I’m more interested in the snack situation
Dom: I plan to eat your pussy.
Gin sprays across my kitchen as I choke on a gasping laugh. As I sop up my mess with one hand, I text him back with the other.
Maddie: That’s lovely for you, but what will I eat?
I prepare for Dom to respond with some version of How about my dick? But I should have known better. He’s not that guy.
Dom: Sour Patch Kids, Cheez-Its, and all the lavender lattes your heart desires.
Damn him.
Maddie: You know how to woo a lady. I’m in