Chapter 15
Nikolai stared as Frode marched out of the kitchen.
He wasn't sure what to do now. Going back in time wasn't an option, and he didn't think Frode would forgive him anytime soon.
He had been a selfish kid, and he'd regretted how he'd acted back in school, but he wanted Frode to understand he'd never meant to humiliate him.
He'd wanted to kiss him that day. It hadn't been a prank.
Maybe it was too little too late.
Perhaps forward was the only way to go from here. He'd show Frode he could trust him, and then...Then what?
Before he could figure it out, his phone rang.
He groaned but reached for it. Seeing Julian's name lit up on the screen wasn't something he was prepared for.
They hadn't spoken in weeks, and his stomach churned as his brain tried to come up with a reason why Julian was calling him. It wouldn't be anything good.
One ring after the other filled the room while Nikolai stared at the screen. Fuck.
When Frode appeared in the doorway and raised an eyebrow at him, he accepted the call. "Nesterova."
A huff. "You answer my calls with your last name now?" Julian was annoyed, and Nikolai squeezed his eyes shut.
"Julian. How are you?"
Silence. Nikolai opened his eyes and noted the look of concern on Frode's face. A scowl replaced it. The shift was so fast Nikolai was almost sure he'd imagined there ever had been anything other than a scowl.
"I'm fine." More silence.
"Good. I'm glad."
"What the fuck is wrong with you?"
If he knew, he could've fixed it. "Nothing."
"You sound like a stranger."
Nikolai pinched the bridge of his nose. "I'm sorry. Why did you call?"
Another stretch of silence. "I eh...I've met someone."
Met someone. It had only been three months. "Okay."
"I wanted to tell you because...well, we were talking about keeping the house."
Nikolai straightened. "Our house?"
"Yeah, I talked to the Realtor and asked her to take it off the market. I love this house, and Peter likes it too."
"Peter? Peter from work?" Julian had always talked a lot about Peter at the office.
More silence. "Yes, Peter from work. Nothing ever happened while we were together."
But the attraction Julian had denied when Nikolai had asked had been there. "You said you weren't attracted to him."
"Yeah, well, things change." The snappy tone sure hadn't.
Nikolai shook his head. "So you and your fuck buddy from work want to buy my house."
"Fuck you, Nikolai."
"Mmm. How do we go about this?"
Julian took a deep breath. "We give you half of the market value minus your half of the mortgage. I can set up a meeting with the bank."
"What if there would've been a bidding war?"
More silence. "How much do you want?"
Nikolai was shaking his head before he could find any words. "No, I won't be made into the bad guy here. If you want to keep your new boyfriend in my house, then by all means, pay me a suitable sum to go away."
"Nikolai." Some of the old Julian was back.
"I have to go. Let me know what I need to sign."
"Nikolai."
"Bye Jules."
"Nikolai!"
But he hung up. There was a lump blocking his throat, and he drew in a long, shuddering breath.
"Come eat before it gets too cold." Frode turned and walked into the TV room.
Nikolai followed and sat on the couch next to Frode instead of in the armchair where he'd first placed the plate.
"You okay?" Frode pushed the salad bowl toward him.
He wanted to say yes, but his voice had gone into hiding, so he shrugged. "He's fucking his colleague."
Frode nodded. "It's often how it goes, isn't it? People you spend a lot of time with."
Nikolai looked at him. "You're saying if I'd spent more time with him, we'd still have been together?"
"No. Only it's easy to catch feelings for someone you're spending a lot of time with."
"I asked him, more than once, if there was something going on between him and Peter. He always said no."
Frode nodded. "Maybe there wasn't."
Nikolai wasn't sure he believed that. Julian might not have cheated on him, not physically, but there had always been something in Julian's expression when he'd talked about Peter.
"Did you spend a lot of time with Declan or whatever his name was?"
Frode scrunched his nose and ate a bite of lasagna. "Declan isn't a good example."
"Why? You were together; it ended. There had to have been a reason for it to end." He grabbed his beer, and right as he was about to swallow, Frode spoke.
"Sure. I'm too frigid, so he had to screw around on me."
The beer went down wrong, and Nikolai started to cough. "What?" He coughed some more, tears forming in his eyes.
"I'm not affectionate enough to have a partner."
"Bullshit." Frode was affectionate. He might not be big on touch, and while Nikolai liked touch, liked to cuddle, he'd never cheat on his partner because they didn't snuggle up with him.
He'd loved spooning Julian on the couch while watching TV, but he didn't need it, and Frode could spoon someone if he wanted. Or was it too much touch for him?
Frode shrugged. "I don't know. I'm not a touchy-feely guy, and sex can be a bit of a chore."
Nikolai didn't mean to, but he burst out laughing. "I'm sorry, what?"
Frode rolled his eyes. "There is no heat of the moment with me, and I understand it can get old after a while." He shook his head, but there was something in his eyes that kept Nikolai from laughing again.
"How do you mean?"
Frode sighed. "It's easier with a quick blowjob in a bar.
Then there are no expectations. If they have their dicks down my throat, they don't care if I don't caress them.
I don't undress them, I keep my gloves on, and they don't question it.
If I bring them back here--which I never do--I have to tell them not to touch anything. It gets weird. Forced."
Heat washed through Nikolai, but the smile Frode gave him was almost sad.
"In the beginning, Declan was intrigued by my skill, but when reality sank in, he grew bored. He complained I never...touched him the way he wanted me to."
Nikolai held his breath for a few seconds. "And how did he want you to touch him?"
A small shrug. "He wanted me to need him.
I guess we all want our partners to need us, but he wanted me to tear his clothes off him, to touch him, to never wear my gloves when I was with him.
And I get it. If you've fantasized all day about coming home to your partner and have him press you against the wall and rip your clothes off, consumed with need, and instead you have to tell said partner you want them to fuck you, it's a bit...
anticlimactic. Especially since I'd then tell him to go into the bedroom and undress before I was willing to join him. Or I'd touch him with my gloves on."
Nikolai frowned. "I don't see the problem."
Frode stared at him. "You don't see the problem?"
"No, if the gloves are to come off, then the area you plan to be in has to have been cleared of things that can trigger you.
I understand, and I see how it takes away some of the spontaneity.
And yeah, maybe you wouldn't be able to pin him to the door the moment he crossed the threshold without wearing gloves, but with gloves you could have. "
"Yes, but I'm not a mind reader, and maybe I suck at social cues, I don't know. How did you know when Julian wanted you to...pin him to the door?"
Nikolai gave him a wicked grin. "Well...
he'd send me a text. Tell me he missed me and was on his way home, or he'd been thinking about me all day, or something along those lines.
" And it had been some time since he had.
Nikolai hadn't realized until right then how there had been next to no texting the last year other than those of the have-you-had-dinner kind.
Frode stared at him. "He told you?"
"No one is a mind reader, Frode. How was I to know if he'd had a crappy day at work and wanted to curl up on the couch with a bowl of ice cream or if he wanted me to fuck his brains out in the hallway the moment he got home unless he told me?
And how was he to know if I'd spent hours looking at a mutilated body and sex was the last thing on my mind or if I'd had a calm day filling out reports and taking phone calls and wanted nothing more than to get down and dirty with him unless I told him? "
"Right." He avoided Nikolai's gaze and ate the last of his lasagna.
"So what you're telling me is Declan was an ass?" Nikolai ate too, the food was mostly cold by now, but it was still good.
"He had some good qualities."
* * * *
Frode frowned. What qualities did Declan possess? Things had been good in the beginning, but where he still was able to list admirable characteristics in Chance, he drew a blank when it came to Declan. Maybe it was because it had ended badly.
"What's got you thinking so hard?" Nikolai scraped up the last of the food on his plate.
Frode shook his head. "Nothing."
"Don't lie."
Frode snorted. "Declan."
Nikolai nodded. "Did you live together?"
"No." Frode almost sounded panicky. The idea of having Declan in his house permanently had him breaking out in a cold sweat.
Nikolai's face was expressionless, but his eyes swept over Frode's face. Assessing. "How long have you lived here?"
"About five years."
"And it's about five years since you and Declan broke up?"
How did he know? Frode shrugged. "A little more than five years, but I moved here shortly after, yes."
"So Declan has never been here."
No, he hadn't. Frode narrowed his eyes. "Why?"
Nikolai snatched his beer and leaned back against the backrest. "Only curious. If you touch something in here, you won't see him."
True. Frode looked at him, not sure what he was getting at.
"But you lived with the other guy."
"What's this? Why do you want to talk about my exes?"
Nikolai smiled and it looked genuine. "Only curious. Hjalmar liked your college boyfriend but not Declan."
"Chance, yes I know."
"Right, Chance, and you lived with him."
Frode nodded. "I did."
"And he wasn't disappointed when you didn't pin him to the door when he entered the apartment."