The talk #2
“Julian?” She calls, bringing me from my daydream of hearing her laugh for the first time.
I had, very clumsily, fallen over my own feet while trying to sneak out one morning.
I didn’t realise she was behind me, and the little tired giggle that came from her made my heart skip a beat - literally, and that, ladies and gentlemen, was when I realised that for the first time in my life - I felt the feeling of love.
Not the kind a kid has for a parent or the puppy love you feel as a teenager - no - it was the pure, heart - wrenching, butterflies in my stomach, nauseating, speechless kind of love.
“Huh?” I see her legs first, and bring my gaze up until I look deep into her eyes.
“Here.” She hands me a steaming cup of tea. I look around and see that Dante is no longer anywhere to be seen. “He went to update Bull on what happened, and then said he will get some things ready for me to take to Ma’s.”
“Are you sure you don’t want me to come with you?” I trust Bull with my life, but I want to keep an eye on her.
“I’m sure.” She smiles. “Thank you for the offer though.” I thread my fingers through hers.
Wanting as much contact as I can before she leaves us for months.
At least I can keep watch through the cameras.
I will have to take the one out of the bathroom though.
I only put the camera in there at first because I was worried about her harming herself again, so I wouldn't check it unless she was in there for over an hour or so. I kept it off the rest of the time. But then she started turning it on her end and allowing me to watch her bathe or shower. And fuck me, all I wanted to do was race round and take her. But I couldn’t. I couldn’t break her trust like that.
Because she trusted me.
Trusted - past tense. Because of my fucked up thought process she no longer trusts me.
But she still loves me.
Loves - present tense.
My treasure still loves me. And that’s all I can ask for. I can work on earning her trust again over time. Yet…
“Choose Dante.” I whisper.
“What?” she huffs out a laugh of disapproval. I need to tell her my reasoning. I need to make her understand why he is better for her than I am.
“ If you can’t choose us both . Choose him. For your own sake. I don’t deserve to be loved, especially by someone as special as you.”
With a heavy exhale, she pulls her hand away from mine.
No, no, no.
Before I can protest, she steps over me with one leg then lowers herself onto my lap until she is straddling me.
Her core resting on my soft dick, it twitches under her warmth.
She must have felt it by her look of shock, followed by desire.
Then purposely grinds against me while shuffling herself closer.
Fuuuuuuuuck .
“Why are you being down on yourself?” Back to serious talk I guess.
She rests her forehead against mine, her hands lay on my cheeks, her thumbs start gently caressing my rough skin.
“Why are you trying to make my decision for me?” She’s being so damn tender with me, as if I’m about to break with one wrong word. O h, baby. I don’t break that easily.
“Because he’ll be good to you. He’ll be good for you. My life is dark, Grace. So fucking dark sometimes I think I’ve woken up blind. You were the only bit of light in my life. And now look. Because I brought you here you have been infected by the darkness too. Dante isn’t like me… ”
“Good.” She interrupts. “I don’t want him to be like you.
I love you for you, Julian. I love Dante for who he is too.
If you were the same, well for one, it’ll be boring.
And for two, I think you two being complete opposites is why you blend so well.
He brings you light Julian. You’ve just gotten so used to it you don’t see it any more. ”
Shit. I haven’t been as appreciative of Dante, hell, of them all, in a long while. Have I really got so used to having them around I don’t thank them any more. I used to thank them all the time for everything they do. I’ve been such a fucking idiot.
I need to do something for them.
I need to let them know how much I love and appreciate them.
Are they going to walk away from me for not respecting them?
Shit .
I wrap my arms around her back and hold her tight.
“You’re right.” She removes her hands from my face and circles them around my head as my forehead connects with her shoulder.
I turn my head a little until her shortened hair tickles my nose and I take in the intoxicating scent of her shampoo.
“Fuck, you’re so right. I’ve taken him for granted all this time.
I should’ve realised it sooner. I need to apologise to him. ”
“Hmm.”
“Thank you. For making me realise how much of a blessing Dante is to me.”
“And you are to him too.” She kisses the top of my head.
“Don’t tell him I told you this, but he actually skipped out on one of our dates because you got the flu and he wanted to care for you.
” I laugh against her shoulder. “It’s true.
I was so pissed at him at the time. I was wearing my best dress and everything! ” She pouts playfully.
“I remember that day. He arrived in a suit and I thought I was hallucinating. He changed while I was asleep and denied being dressed up. The cheeky bastard has been gaslighting me all this time? I questioned him about it only last month because it’s been bugging me to this day.”
Oh I’m going to make him pay.
“See, he cares for you just as much as you do him. You light up other people's lives Julian. You lit up mine for years, and even though this past week has been rough, you are still one of the beacons lighting my path back home .”
“Grace.” I whisper.
“You are deserving of love.” She tells me matter of factly.
“You are more than deserving of it, Julian. From me, from your family. From yourself.” From myself?
Can I learn to love myself, I’ve never been able to since I was a kid.
I always looked for solace in others. Never myself.
I always went after those I wanted, those I needed, without thinking of what they wanted.
I really am a selfish jerk.
“Only we can start fixing what’s broken inside us, right?” I breathe. I need to rectify all my mistakes. I need to fix what I’ve wrecked with my actions.
With Grace.
With my team.
With my brother.
With myself.
“That’s right. So focus on healing yourself Julian. Learn to love yourself. Try to see how we all see you.”
“How do you see me?”
She leans back, forcing me to look up into her eyes.
“I see you, Julian. I see a man who is willing to risk his life to save others. I see the protector of his family. I see the kindness and care you showed me for all these years. I see you, Mr Julian Stalker. I see the man I love, even though he can be possessive sometimes.” She chuckles quietly.
“But I still wouldn’t change him for the world. ”
“That’s all positive.” I furrow my brows confused.
“I only see the negatives when they happen. We may be on a very rocky surface at the moment. But that doesn’t mean I’ve forgotten everything you have done for me. How much you cared for me. How much you loved me.”
“Love.” I correct her.
“Love.” She smiles. “I know you do. Even after locking me up and trying to force me to kill my boss. You did it out of love .” Her expression hardens. “Never do that again though.” She tells me sternly.
“I promise.” I press my lips to hers. Bad choice, Julian, bad fucking choice . She gasps as I pull away. “Sorry, I’ve been wanting to do that again for a while. Think of it as a promise I’ll wait for you.”
She shifts closer to me, so close she could be part of my skin.
“Then, show me what I could come back to. A peck is good but…”
I don’t hesitate, I grasp the back of her neck and capture her lips with mine. She moans softly when I lick and suck at her bottom lip.
Just a kiss. It’s just a kiss. Even if she chooses Dante, I’ll always have this kiss to remember her by.
She hums with pleasure as my hands start to roam her body. I should have let her see the real me years ago. I missed out all these years because I thought she would recognise me. My anxiety fucked up my chance with her.
I’m glad she can’t remember me.
If that secret came out she would leave .
Her hands explore my chest, her fingers play with the patch of hair I have there.
I glide my own hands up the back of the loose tee she is wearing and stroke every one of her scars.
Memorizing all of her. If this is the only time I get to do this I have to have my fingers remember her smooth and rough skin.
My tongue must remember the taste of her.
I have to fill all of my senses with Grace.
All of them.
We’re both breathless by the time we break apart. “I have to go.” She whispers. Giving me a quick peck on the corner of my mouth.
“I know.”
And with that, I’m left alone on my kitchen floor, a now cold cup of tea beside me, a dead man in the room next door and a waiting game of who Grace is going to pick in five months.
I just hope she chooses me.