Chapter 12
TWELVE
Elizabeth
My eyes are glued to the TV and my breath is stuck in my chest as I watch the Aces on the screen in my living room. We are in the second period and the score is giving me heart palpitations.
“Are you still there?”
I jump when I hear Mona’s voice coming through the speaker on my phone. I am so into the game, I forgot she’d called.
“Yeah, I’m here,” I tell her while keeping an eye on the game.
She huffs like she doesn’t believe me. “So what do you think about what I just told you?”
“Uhhh…” I have no idea what she’s talking about. But then, a lightbulb comes on. “You said something about dating! Who are you going out with?”
“Okay, so at least you half listened.” I swear I can hear her rolling her eyes at the phone.
“I’m not dating anyone at the moment,” she spells it out for me again.
“But I’m looking into online dating because I have an event in December that I want to attend.
I refuse to go alone.” She sounds angry now.
“Alex is going to be there, and there is no way I will give him the satisfaction of seeing me there without a date.”
Alex is her on again, off again boyfriend. Their relationship always confused me. He was Mona’s weakness, never being able to fall to his charms, even knowing that he would break up with her right after.
I glance at the TV to make sure I’m not missing anything important. Second period is now over, and it’ll be a few minutes before they start again. I mute the TV and lean back in my seat, ready to give my best friend my full attention.
“Online dating is scary,” I tell her.
There’s some shuffling on her end. “How so?” she asks with a mouthful of food. “That’s how people meet nowadays. It’s normal.”
“That’s not how everyone meets, Mona,” I chuckle. “That’s not how I met Logan.”
She laughs at that. “Yeah, and look how well it’s working for you.”
Her words instantly put me in a sour mood. I frown at the screen of my phone even though she can’t see me. “What do you mean?”
Mona takes a moment to finish chewing whatever she’s eating.
“Well, I don’t know how to tell you, sweetie,” she starts, “but how is your relationship with Logan normal?” she asks.
“And we already went over all the events leading to you moving out there for him without telling him. Then he doesn’t want you to tell anyone you’re dating.
But now he does, and you don’t. The whole thing is messed up,” she declares.
“Not as messed up as you hooking up with Alex every time he glances your way,” I deadpan.
The silence on the line makes me feel instant guilt.
“I’m so sorry,” I tell Mona. “That was uncalled for. And… you’re right,” I admit with a big sigh. “I think I may have made a mistake.”
My voice is barely audible when I voice my biggest concern.
“Why a mistake?” Mona asks. I am relieved to hear that her voice sounds normal and not angry after my comment about her ex.
“Because…” My own voice is shaky. “Back in New York, right before my dad found us,” I explain, “he had told me that he loved me. It was a big deal.”
Tears gather in my eyes, and I hate that I am about to cry. All my insecurities crash into me at once. Life here in Texas is like nothing I’d imagined.
“He doesn’t love you anymore?” Mona asks in a soft tone.
I take a moment to rub at my eyes, feeling small and childlike.
“I don’t know,” I admit to Mona. “He hasn’t said it to me since I got here. I feel like…” I sigh and try to regroup. “I feel like I’m forcing myself on him. He never even tried to get a hold of me before…”
“Wait,” she stops me. “Didn’t you say that he tried but your father had him blocked? That’s why his calls wouldn’t go through,” she reminds me.
“I know that. But still… Why wouldn’t he tell me that he loves me? What if…”
I pause unsure of what I’m even trying to say. The TV distracts me for a second. The game is back on, and my heart thuds in my chest when I see Logan’s picture on the screen listed as an active goalie for the Aces.
“What if what, sweetie?” Mona’s voice calls from the speaker of my phone.
I let out a long breath of air, trying to buy myself more time.
“What if he doesn’t even love me anymore?” I finally say. “I left the city, I cut off all contact with my dad, all so that I could follow Logan here.”
“And now?” she prompts me.
“And now…” I look around my apartment. I felt a sense of pride in the beginning, knowing that I am capable of making enough money to pay my rent and live off of. “Now I live in a small place that’s as big as my closet at my dad’s house,” I admit. “And, worst of all, I absolutely hate my job.”
I drop my face in my hands and wait for Mona to voice her judgement. At the same time, I remember her encouraging me to come down here, so, in a messed up way, I hold her responsible for my misery.
“I’m so sorry, Liz,” she murmurs softly, sounding a lot more subdued than I’d expected. “I feel responsible somehow.”
I start laughing. “I was just thinking that, too,” I tell her. “But how can you be responsible for my stupidity?”
Mona lets out a sigh, just as long as the one I let out only minutes ago. She sounds pensive when she speaks.
“Being in love doesn’t mean you’re stupid, Liz. Trust me on that. Besides, look at all the times I crawled back to Alex even though I knew he’d throw me away in an instant. Love is just… complicated.”
“Yeah,” I agree.
We remain in silence for a while, with both of us thinking about our respective situations.
“Have you heard from your dad at all?”
I think about how I should answer that. I’ve had some missed calls with New York area codes, but no voicemails. Unfortunately, they always called while I was at work, so I wasn’t able to answer.
“I blocked him when I left,” I confess to Mona. “But I think he’s been trying to call me.”
She hesitates for a second, and I understand why when I hear what she asks me next. “Would you consider going back home if he asked you to?”
“I…” My mind goes completely blank, unsure of how I should respond to what she’s asking. “I wouldn’t leave without talking to Logan first.”
“But you would leave?” she presses on.
Once again, I drop my face in my hands. “I hate it here, Mona,” I cry. “I hate my job, and I miss painting…”
“Can’t you paint there?” she asks right away. “I can figure out a way to send you your art supplies from your dad’s house…”
I laugh through my tears. “How would you even do that?” I ask.
“Not sure,” she admits. “I’d have to throw a tantrum for intimidation purposes. Or…”
She gets quiet, making me frown as I squint at my phone to make sure she’s still there.
“Or what?” I ask.
“Or,” she continues in a casual tone. Maybe too casual. “I could call Alex and ask for his help. Maybe get a loan for you until you’re back on your feet.”
“Mona!” I press a hand to my chest in distress. “Please don’t do any such thing. I would never be able to forgive myself if you borrowed money from your ex boyfriend to help me.”
“Eh,” she sighs. “He is convinced I was with him for his money anyway. Might as well prove him right, you know?”
Mona’s never been money hungry or cared about social status. I can’t believe that guy thought so little of her.
“Please don’t get back with him,” I beg her. “Find someone who loves you for who you are.”
“Yeah.” She sounds really sad now, but she recovers quickly. “That’s why this online dating needs to work. I need a date for this damn party.”
Sinking my teeth into my bottom lip, I glance back to the TV. My chest is filled with disappointment when I notice the game is already over. I wonder if Logan played at all, or if the Aces won.
“I am all for finding love,” Mona grabs my attention again. “But not at the expense of your happiness. You have to put yourself first, Liz.”
I think back to all those months ago when I fought with my father as I tried to convince him that my feelings toward Logan were real.
“I thought I was putting myself first when I made the decision to move here for Logan,” I murmur into the phone.
We both sit in silence, with Mona sighing every so often, sounding like she wants to say something but then changes her mind.
“I get why you did it,” she finally says, her voice sad. “I…” Another long and heavy sigh. “If I thought Alex loved me as much as I loved him, I would’ve done the same,” she admits. “I would’ve followed him to the end of the earth.”
The emotion is obvious in her tone, getting me choked up at hearing it.
“So you did whatever you thought was good for you,” she assures me once again.
“And now?” My voice comes out barely above a whisper. “I feel like I’m stuck here, Mona,” I cry to my best friend. “I don’t know where I stand with Logan. Yeah, he said he didn’t want us to be a secret anymore, but I just feel so insecure about him now.”
“It’s because he hasn’t said I love you again,” Mona guesses correctly. “How long you’ve been there for now?”
“It’s a little over a month since I moved here. A little less since I told Logan I got a job here.”
“That’s not that long, honey,” Mona tells me, her tone more sympathetic. “What happened in New York was a total mess, wouldn’t you say? But you have to remember that he didn’t tell you to go away. He wants you there, right?”
I pull on a string that’s hanging from the bottom of my shorts in an effort to buy myself some time before I have to answer my best friend’s question.
“He says that he does,” I finally say, just like the other times she asked me that exact thing.
Once again, we find ourselves being quiet. I am truly at a loss when it comes to the current state of my life.
“You really shouldn’t work there anymore if you hate it so much, Liz.”
I let out a chuckle that is full of attitude and sarcasm. “I need this job, Mona. How am I going to support myself? I had no idea how hard it was to actually make rent.”
I sound bitter when I say that last part, then I feel instantly bad about it. I know that Mona didn’t grow up like I did, and she’s been paying rent for a whole lot longer than I have.
“Life is hard, sweetie.”
I cringe a little, but only because she is incredibly understanding about my situation, even though she should be bitter given our different upbringing.
“It’s a lot harder than I thought,” I cry softly. “I really hate this job. I think I want to go home.”
My phone buzzes with a text just as I say the words that break my heart in two. I get out of the phone app and open the texts. A lump forms in the back of my throat when I see that I have a message from the man I literally changed my entire life for.
Logan: I don’t know if you were watching, but I just had 5 minutes in the game!!
I cover my mouth in surprise before my eyes fly to the television screen. Regret fills my every fiber when I realize that I missed Logan’s moment in the game. I start crying instantly.
“Jesus, it can’t be that bad, Liz! Get a hold of yourself, girl,” Mona snaps at me. “I’m looking for plane tickets as we speak,” she continues. “I’m coming there, and you better be ready for me to shake some sense into you.”
“It’s not that,” I manage to say in between sobs. “I’m a terrible girlfriend.”
“What?” Mona yelps in surprise. “How did you come to that conclusion?”
I throw my arm out toward the TV, like she can see me. “I just missed this important moment in his life!”
“Uh, which is?”
If I wasn’t this upset, I’d be laughing at the way Mona asks me that. She is confused and irritated. Her patience for me is at an all-time low.
I bring my face down to wipe it on my shoulder, leaving a wet mark on the white material of my top.
“Lo just texted me to say he was in the game for five minutes,” I wail. “And I missed it!”
“Jesus, give me strength,” Mona murmurs quietly to herself, but I still hear her. “If he is as good of a player as you make him out to be,” she tells me, “then you’ll see plenty of him in the years to come.”
“But this was his first time with the Aces.” I cry harder now. “It was special. I missed it,” I repeat.”
Mona stops trying to reason with me at this point. She lets me have a good cry while staying silent on the other end of the line. It is oddly comforting knowing that I am not alone, and that even though she doesn’t get why I’m so upset, she tries hard to be a good friend to me.
“Why don’t you try to paint a little bit?” she asks when she can tell that I’ve calmed down some. “When you come home from work, instead of sitting there like a bump on a log, worrying about life, paint.”
“I don’t have any of my stuff,” I remind her in a congested tone.
“How about you draw then?” she tries again. “You got a pencil, right?”
I look around in confusion. “I don’t know.”
“You don’t know if you have a pencil?” she asks in bewilderment. “Girl, I’ll send you a whole box for ten dollars, tops. I’ll throw in a pad of paper, too, just in case.”
I bust out laughing at hearing that. I laugh so hard that she starts laughing with me.
“Weirdo,” she mutters.
I wipe the tears from my face, wincing in distress when I feel how swollen my cheeks are.
“Thank you for staying on the phone with me,” I tell her. “I’m having a really hard time with everything.”
Mona sighs, but not in annoyance. It’s a sigh full of understanding that contains her own pain as well.
“It’ll get better, Liz,” she tells me. “I promise.”
I laugh through the tears. “I really hope that you’re right.”
“Even if nothing comes out of this, at least you’ll know that you tried,” she insists. “You won’t have to wonder… To constantly ask yourself whether there were things you could’ve done differently…”
It sounds like she’s speaking from experience. I know that she’s still pining after her ex.
“We both need a hard reset,” I tell her. “Send me any potential candidates from your online dating app. I want to be involved because I don’t want you to choose a serial killer by mistake.”
“Ha, you’re a funny girl,” she teases. “Out of the two of us, I’m pretty sure you’d be the one choosing wrong.”
The smile dies on my lips. She is right. I seem to be very good at making the wrong decisions.