Chapter 14 Stan
STAN
The first time Axel went back, it had been emotionally difficult.
Part of it was that I was worried, unsure he was going to get the care he needed and that he might not be ready to be back.
Both those fears had become reality. Part of it was that we’d just figured out what we should’ve known all along, that we were meant for each other.
It had been rough, despite being a relatively short period of time.
This time was different on so many levels. For one, I was pregnant. Despite working in the medical field, I didn’t realize how much pregnancy would impact every aspect of my life. It was intense.
I was no stranger to the nausea, the exhaustion, the ligament pain, and the backaches that came with pregnancy.
I’d seen it all at the hospital, both with patients and with caregivers bringing patients in.
I knew what could potentially happen, including the very worst outcomes.
I thought I was prepared for anything. I was so very wrong.
The emotional side of pregnancy had thrown me for a loop.
It shouldn’t have. I’d seen enough patients who weren’t acting in a way I would think was rational, though they thought it was perfectly sensible at the time.
I’d attributed it to their personality and not their pregnancy.
Some people were drama-filled. That didn’t end when they got pregnant.
I hadn’t taken into consideration how my emotional state would be impacted when the hormones went awry. Adding that on top of already missing Axel had me a teary-eyed mess far more often than I cared to admit to myself. There were times I didn't want to be around me.
Despite all the strategies I attempted, this whole long-distance thing was sucking terribly. Yes, we talked daily, but he was working hard and I was working hard. Despite seeing each other on Zoom for a few minutes or maybe an hour, it wasn’t enough.
In some ways, I was luckier than he was. The house still scented like him, and I was still able to hug his pillow at night. Axel went from place to place, traveling with the team. His rooms smelled like cleaning supplies and strangers, not his mate.
With the limited time we had together on Zoom, I tried not to complain too much, or at all, leaving everything simple: I miss you.
I can’t wait to see you. And telling him anecdotes about my day.
He didn’t need to worry about me on top of worrying about getting his skills back up to what they once were.
It was one thing to be healed, another to make up for all that time off the ice.
He was slaying it, though. I was so proud of him.
And if all that wasn’t difficult enough on its own, working at the ER while pregnant?
Whoa. I’d been worried people would treat me differently, like I couldn’t do things, and I hadn’t experienced any of that, even though there were days I wished I had.
At least then I might get a break here and there.
Rushing down the hall to a trauma bay when I was off balance or hadn’t had enough to eat was intense.
If this had been a human pregnancy, it might’ve been easier, but as a shifter, I was expending so much energy, and there was not enough food to keep my body going.
One thing about my job was I didn’t get to schedule anything, including meals.
I could be on my way with discharge papers only to be called away for a code.
Anything goes in the ER, and I was so done with it.
Part of me said my struggles were just normal being-pregnant problems and I needed to get over it.
But as much as I worked hard to convince myself of that, I kept thinking back to my aunt.
Maybe nursing wasn’t the area of the medical field I belonged in.
Maybe I was called to be a healer. Finally, I caved and called her.
“It’s good to hear your voice,” she said. “How’s everything holding up? With your mate gone—”
And that was when I let it all out. I told her how miserable I was in all areas of my life: not seeing my mate, my work, coming home to an empty house, something that had never bothered me before but now intensely did.
I talked her ear off for half an hour, not once letting her get a word in edgewise.
Most people would’ve been frustrated with me or zoned out long before I finished.
Not my aunt. She understood me better than most people and recognized that I needed this.
“Did you want to come spend time with me? I can make up a room for you and make your favorite cookies.”
Gods, I loved my aunt. Not a single ounce of judgment or trying to tell me what to do next. Nope. She was there for me in the way I asked her to be without pushing me at all.
Did I want to go to her? I hadn’t considered that, but now that it was on the table, it had me thinking.
If life weren’t in the way, I’d have taken her up on it instantly, but I had work.
A random visit wasn’t impossible in the future, but as I thought about it for a few more seconds, I accepted that I wasn’t looking for a random visit. Not really.
“How did you know you wanted to be a healer?” I asked.
I’d asked her similar questions over the years, but more as a passing thought. This was different. I needed to know if I was on the right track.
“Do you really want to know about my story, or are you asking about yours?”
“Well, both… more me, I guess.”
“That’s what I thought. Do you feel like being a healer might be the way to go with your career?” Despite being on a regular call, I could practically see her leaning back in her chair with a knowing smile, the one that felt almost like a hug.
“I mean, yeah, but I don’t even know how to begin.
I know it’s a calling, but does that mean you, like, need to be born with special abilities?
Does your beast need them? I don’t know nearly enough to be thinking this way.
” I pressed the heels of my hands into my eyes, attempting to alleviate the pressure that had been building there.
“They say it’s a calling,” she said. “The same way they say being a nurse is a calling, being a doctor is a calling, being a librarian is a calling. It’s nothing you can put your finger on, it’s just something that you know is for you.
So try not to think too hard on it. Just let yourself feel. When you do that, what do you think?”
I let her words sit with me, not rushing to answer. She’d wait on the phone an hour if I needed it. It was who she was.
“That I want to be a healer, but I don’t even know where to begin.”
“Where to begin… hmmm, the best healers in this region are wolves, but I can’t think of who might be taking on apprentices right now.”
“Wolves?” That was surprising.
“Wolves. They found a way to blend some of the human practices into traditional healer ones. My advice would be to find one who is taking an apprentice. I’ll put feelers out, but you might not know this, but I’m old. A lot of my old contacts are no longer around.”
“You’re not old.” It was a conversation we’d had before and would probably have again. “Is that how you did it?
“Yes. I trained under a wolf.” That explained how she was so easily able to connect to my mate and figure out his issues.
“Thanks. I think I know what to do.”
We said our good-byes, and I called Axel before I could talk myself out of it. The second he answered the phone, I asked him if he could go with me to his pack and ask the healer if maybe I could apprentice with him.
“I couldn’t deny you anything,” he said. “I didn’t know this was on your mind.”
My phone indicated he was wanting us to use our cameras, and when I accepted, his beautiful smile filled my screen.
“Yeah, it’s just kind of been sitting there, growing despite me pushing it down.”
“You know you can always talk to me about anything.” He was walking now, and that was when I noticed the ice behind him. Great, I was messing up his practice.
“I know, I just… I was trying to be respectful of all you had going on. Although it probably doesn’t seem that way since I interrupted your ice time.”
“We were on a break, anyway.” He stepped into an office and shut the door behind him. “Mate, if we were together right now, I’d be pulling you onto my lap, holding you close, and telling you I’d never let you go until you promised not to hold anything back from me anymore.”
“And what would you do if I didn’t promise because I wanted to stay on that lap forever?”
“I guess I’d never make you promise and just keep you there.”
“Why does that sound perfect?”
“Because it is. I’m going to be able to come home in eight days. We have a small break. I can keep you on my lap the entire time, how’s that sound.”
“Perfect, but also… I can think of some better uses for that time.”