12. Jacques
twelve
Jacques
M y breath caught as the back door slammed closed and I heard Rusty’s footsteps. I’d seen his clothes by the front door and knew he’d heard what I’d done. When I didn’t find him in the sunroom, I headed for the shed, but he’d beaten me back to the house. I dashed across the family room just as he turned the corner to enter the kitchen. My heart tripped, beating double time at his slim figure crossing the threshold into the room.
I didn’t slow my steps, throwing myself at him the moment I was close enough. A cloud of fine sawdust billowed from his T-shirt as I wrapped my arms around his shoulders. He smelled of timber and fresh sweat, and I held him tighter, never wanting to let him go again.
“I’m sorry,” I gasped, blinking back tears. “I didn’t mean to cheat—”
“Woah, who said anything about cheating?” he asked, pulling back to meet my gaze.
I dropped my hands to his waist and tugged him closer, eliminating the space between us. Rusty furrowed his brow, his lips turned down as he assessed me. His green eyes were wary but still filled with the warmth I’d always known from him. I didn’t know whether that made things better or worse.
“I got drunk and got married,” I huffed. It was self-explanatory, wasn’t it? I was so fucking ashamed of myself. We’d agreed to an open relationship where Travis and I could sleep with women, but we’d never talked about anything more. Married was a whole lot more. “How is what I did not cheating?”
“You sailed past every boundary we set, but I don’t think you cheated.” Rusty ran his thumb along my cheek tenderly. “We’re in an open relationship. Cheating would be going behind my back, hiding a relationship from me. Intentionally hurting me. You didn’t do that.”
“No, but—"
“What did you think of when you sobered up?” he asked, threading his fingers into my hair and nuzzling my cheek with his temple.
Shame coursed through me again. “Sex,” I whispered and watched as he pulled back and swallowed, his Adam’s apple bobbing in his throat. “I thought of sex. I had sex. But then I saw the rings and realized what I’d done. I needed to get home to you. I needed to talk to you. We got on the first flight out of Vegas.”
I rested my forehead against his and breathed him in. “You’re too calm. Why aren’t you angry at me?”
Zeus jumped up, one paw on me and one on Rusty. It was his way of getting a hug when we were giving them. I absently petted his head, knowing he would stick close to Rusty, always loyal to his dad.
Rusty huffed out a laugh, but it didn’t hold any humor. “I heard it on the radio in Travis’s truck a couple of hours ago. I was going to church, but then I had a panic attack. I got scared. Really fucking scared.”
I opened my mouth to apologize again, but he pressed his finger against my lips, silencing me, and Zeus leaned harder against our legs.
Rusty having a panic attack because of me was my worst fear come true. My heart shattered into a million pieces at knowing I’d hurt him and impacted his mental health. My actions were unforgivable, especially when I’d known he was staying home because he didn’t feel strong enough to come with us. My gut rolled. I was responsible for his panic attack. My behavior had triggered it. I wanted to be sick.
“I’m okay,” he continued. “Zeus was with me, and he helped.” He dropped one hand and scratched our pup’s head, giving him a fraction of the loving he deserved. “It wasn’t a bad attack—spiraling thoughts, shortness of breath, that sort of thing.”
My gut sank even more. Fuck me, I wasn’t even here for him. He’d gone through it alone. Thank fuck Zeus was by his side.
He carried on, saying, “The whole time, though, I was worried you weren’t going to come back. I thought we were over.” He shook his head, and his eyes turned glassy before he slipped them closed. On a whisper, he added, “Then I realized you weren’t like that. You’d come back. You’d talk to me. We’d work things out. Even if it meant we were over, we’d still talk about it.”
Self-loathing hit me hard. I’d done that to him—I’d made him second-guess what he meant to me. I’d put those destructive thoughts in his head.
“I don’t want us to be over,” I murmured, praying he wouldn’t insist on it despite what he’d already told me. I wasn’t too proud to beg.
“Neither do I,” he responded and tilted my face to his. He captured my lips in a soft kiss—chaste and gentle—that rocked me to my core. When he pulled back, he added, “But you fucked up.”
“I did,” I agreed, nodding before I dropped my gaze. Shame at how badly I’d fucked everything up coated my insides with toxic, suffocating goo like an oil slick on the ocean.
It was supposed to be an innocent weekend away. I’d shamelessly flirted with Carina—I wanted to make her feel good, and it was teenage me’s dream come true to be able to—but then drunk me had been in charge and made decisions that had wide-reaching consequences. I could handle the shitstorm that was about to erupt with the Seals. My agent was going to have a fit. But none of that mattered when I considered how much I’d hurt the man in front of me. It was the worst of my offences by far.
“When you didn’t answer….”
I snapped my head up and watched as he shook his and his eyes slipped closed. “Christ, I—” Out of everything, that was the last thing I thought he’d be the most upset about. But I should have known better.
“Please don’t do that again,” he murmured. “I get it. You were probably in the air when I called. But I need you to talk to me.”
“I will. Fuck, I… I was in such a rush to get back that I didn’t slow down to think about what it would do to you if you heard the news before we got back. It was inconsiderate and fucking stupid of me. I should have called. I should have told you we were on our way home. I didn’t want you to doubt what you mean to me, but I made you do exactly that.” My explanation fell from my lips as fast as I could formulate it. I hadn’t wanted to tell him over the phone, but I should have. If nothing else, he wouldn’t have been blindsided. “I’m so sorry I hurt you.”
He pressed his lips together in a small smile. “I forgive you.”
I kissed him again, desperately needing to be closer to him. It wasn’t sexual, but I did need him. I slid my hands up under his shirt and laid my palms on his abs. I moaned, and he spun us around, dislodging Zeus and pushing me up against the counter. He deepened our kiss. His grip was sure as he took what he needed and left me spinning. When we finally broke apart, I gasped for breath, and Rusty reached down to adjust himself. I groaned and rested my forehead against his once more.
Laughter sounded outside, and Carina immediately popped into my mind. It was as if Rusty and I were thinking the same thing when he said, “I’m guessing the beauty outside is Carina.”
I couldn’t help my shy smile and the heat suffusing my cheeks. “Yeah.”
“So it’s more than a one-time thing?”
I swallowed. I wanted it to be, but there were so many variables, Rusty’s opinion being one of them. But he’d had faith in me. He’d known we’d be okay if we talked about it. I needed to have the same faith he did and open up to him too.
“I love you. You and Travis are the most important people in my life and always will be—”
“But you want to see where it goes with Carina.”
I exhaled. Then I nodded. “I do. But not at the expense of us.”
His gaze met mine, fear tightening his features. He asked, “What does that mean?”
“I want to tell her about us. I want to be able to do exactly what we’re doing now without having to hide it from her. I don’t want to put any of you in that position. I can’t. I won’t.”
His eyebrows hiked up, and his eyes widened fractionally. “You want to tell her?”
“I do. We didn’t say anything about the three of us last night. But, like I said, I want to tell her. If she’s not okay with us, it goes no further. We’ll get a divorce or annulment or whatever we have to do to undo this mess, but first I’ll get her a hotel and help her plan the next leg of her trip.”
“But if she’s okay with us, then you want her to stay here.”
I shrugged, trying to play down how much I wanted that. I just knew that Rusty and Carina would become fast friends if they had the chance to get to know each other. “Maybe. Yes.”
He bit his lip. “What does Travis think?”
“I haven’t broached it with him yet. Coming home to you was my only priority this morning.”
He nodded but didn’t give me any other hints at what he was thinking until he finally spoke.
“I love you,” he said slowly, and I knew there was a “but” coming. “I love Travis too. If Carina makes you and Travis happy, then I want you to be able to see where it goes. But….” He blew out a breath and his shoulders fell. It was as if he was curling in on himself. “I don’t want to lose you,” he whispered. “I’m scared she’s going to replace me.”
“No. Never.” I cupped his face and pressed my lips to his, trying to tell him without words how much he meant to me. To us.
I licked along his bottom lip, and he opened to me. When we tangled our tongues together, it was a reminder that he was in my heart and had been from the moment I’d walked into that bedroom in the frat house so many years ago.
When we finally broke apart, I whispered, “I love you. I always will. I don’t ever want our relationship to change.”
“I can’t promise I’m going to sleep with her,” he warned.
“I know. I’d never demand that, especially since, you know—” I shrugged, trying to lighten the mood. “—your bodies are your own.”
His lips turned up in a small grin. “Let’s take it slow. Talk and see where everyone’s at.”
“I’d like that.”
I hugged him close again and breathed him in, grateful that this man was in my life. I loved him more than words could convey. Travis too. My future with Carina was uncertain, but I had both Travis and Rusty. It made me the luckiest man on the planet.