16. Carina
sixteen
Carina
I left them sitting on the sofa and wandered out to the pool. A shade structure covered one end, so I walked over and sat down, slipping my feet into the water. It was cool and crystal clear, a complete contrast to the heat of the day.
The concentric circles rippling out over the surface reminded me of just how far and wide this news would spread. All the way to the Gold Coast. I needed to speak with my parents. No doubt that news would be another item in the long list of disappointments I’d dealt my parents. More importantly, I needed to tell Cara before she heard through someone else.
It was early morning back home. Cara probably wouldn’t have even been online yet. At least I hoped she hadn’t. The last thing I wanted her to see were photos of her mother and new stepfather—good Lord, that sounded bad—making the rounds before I’d told her.
I dialed her number, and she picked up on the second ring.
“Hi, Mum. How are things in Seattle?” Cara asked.
I was grateful and mortified at the same time. She had no idea of any of it. “I’m in San Diego now. Well, just outside of it, anyway. I’m staying with Jacques and his roommates.” I hated how the lie rolled off my tongue without hesitation, but their relationship wasn’t my secret to share. “So, um, something happened last night that I need to talk to you about. But I don’t know how to say it, so I’m just going to put it out there, okay?”
“Mum, you’re scaring me. What’s happened? Do you want me to fly in early?”
Tears sprang to my eyes. I loved my daughter. She had a heart of gold. She would literally drop everything to be there for someone she loved.
“No, it’s okay. I’m okay.” I exhaled heavily and fanned my face, blinking back my tears. “I got married last night. In Vegas. By an Elvis impersonator.”
“Oh. Um….”
“To Jacques.”
Silence met my ears.
Dead. Silence.
I huffed out a laugh. It was either that or cry again. “We were drunk, Cara, and we did it on the spur of the moment,” I babbled, my words speeding up with every one that I got out. “Now the shit is hitting the fan, and I don’t know what to do. I’m so sorry. You must be so ashamed of me.”
“Were you happy, Mum?”
Her question stopped my spiraling thoughts in their tracks. I didn’t even have to think on it to be able to give her an answer. “I was.” I really was. “But I was plastered.”
“You know I don’t really drink, but the one time I have been drunk, it stripped away all the constraints I put on myself. I didn’t have to be the quiet-as-a-mouse daughter of a CEO that night.”
My heart broke for her. Without realizing it, I’d forced her into the same position as me. Thankfully she got out before the restrictions suffocated her creative spirit. She was writing her first spicy romance novel, and she’d found her men. She was working to reunite all three of them—packing, her and Monroe applying for visas, and preparing to move to the States in a few months.
Where had all that time gone? It felt like yesterday that she’d been a baby. Then the next minute, she’d grown into a young woman who had all the answers. She was far more mature than her years—certainly more mature than I had been at her age, even with a daughter who was about to start school.
It was as if she’d grown up in the blink of an eye. I’d missed those years. I’d been so focused on everything else that I’d missed the moment she changed from a baby into a toddler, then into a little girl, a teenager, and now a woman. The last twenty-something years had been about work for me when they should have been about the most important thing in my life—my daughter.
Now she was grown up, talking me off a ledge, and I was trying not to let shame overwhelm me.
“It was as if all those limitations were stripped away, and I could be me,” she continued. “I can’t see you becoming a completely different person after a few drinks, Mum. Maybe it’s not a mistake.” She gave me a moment to process, then asked, “Does Jacques think it was a mistake?”
“His agent does, so he’s going to present me with a confidential proposal to stay here and get a divorce on the quiet a year from now. The team is telling him congratulations but really meaning that he better play it off as being legit.” I sighed, tears threatening to fall again. Living on this gorgeous property for a year would be incredible. I was already at home, and I hadn’t even seen the bedroom I’d be staying in. Lincoln had assured me that he was okay with me being here, but I couldn’t help but think that one of us was going to hurt Lincoln and, more than likely, it would be me. I didn’t want that.
“You didn’t answer my question,” Cara conveniently reminded me.
“It’s complicated. He says it wasn’t a mistake. But there are other people to consider here. He has two roommates, and Sophia and Pierre have flipped their lids. They won’t want anything to do with me.” My stomach turned again. Losing Sophia was going to gut me. Tears pooled in my eyes, and I sucked in a wobbly breath.
“What did you say in your vows—”
“I don’t remember,” I cried. I covered my mouth and gave up fighting the tears. It was all slowly coming back to me as I sweated out the liquor, but there were still parts of the night that were hazy.
Cara snorted out a giggle before she stifled it. “I’m sorry, Mum. I don’t mean to laugh, but I never thought I’d be having this conversation with you. You’re the least impulsive person I know.”
I groaned. She was right. When I finally did something impulsive—
“Look, I can guarantee that in your vows you promised to love Jacques, not his roommates. They’ll get used to the idea of you being around. It won’t kill them.” She paused for a moment. “Are you safe, Mum? Because if you’re not, if you don’t get a good vibe…. Do you think they’re good people?”
“Yeah, they are. Trav was with us in Vegas, and from what I’ve seen of Lincoln, he seems like a really decent man. I trust Jacques too. I don’t think he’d live with people who weren’t good, you know?”
“I do. As for Sophia and Pierre, maybe give them a chance to get used to the idea. If this can ruin your friendship, then was it as rock solid as you thought? I’m about to send Jacques a ‘welcome to the family’ message.”
“I love you, Cara.”
“Love you, too, Mum.” I could hear the smile in her voice, and it made me happy. “Roe says ‘I love you, Mum’ too.”
I laughed and Cara continued, “I’m sure they’ll come around. Heck, thanks to you, Dad came around to me having two boyfriends. If you can make that happen, you can win back their friendship.”
“Thank you,” I whispered.
My persuading her father had been the last conversation I’d had with him before I’d left. He’d told me he wanted me back, but what he really meant was that he wanted his housecleaner, chef, and personal assistant back. He’d destroyed my trust in him, and even if I could believe him, he never once promised to be faithful. He wanted the best of both worlds, and I wouldn’t make that mistake again. He’d lost me, but I’d let him know that he was also going to lose his daughter if he didn’t pull his finger out. Thankfully he understood how serious I was and agreed to work toward repairing their relationship.
“Mum, I’m proud of you. I could never be ashamed of you. You’re my mum.”
“My life is a shambles.”
“Pfft, you’re human. We all mess up. But the important thing is that the people who love you will always stand by you.”
We said goodbye, and I hung up, grateful for her support. If I did stay here for a year, at least I’d have Cara nearby. I could help her settle into her new place and keep her company when she needed it.
I sighed. How was my daughter more mature than me? My life was a complete clusterfuck. It wasn’t just the past twenty-four hours either. It was the past twenty-two years. I was young and stupid when I’d met David. We’d started dating, then I fell pregnant when he persuaded me not to bother with condoms despite me not being on the pill. Pulling out wasn’t quite as effective a contraceptive as he’d believed.
I would never regret having Cara. She was the light of my life. But falling pregnant before I’d even turned eighteen had changed the future I’d imagined for myself. I thought I’d been happy. I thought I enjoyed my life, but I was comfortable, not happy. I didn’t even know who I was anymore.
I had no regrets with Cara. But now that she was all grown up, I was untethered. I had nothing that was mine. My marriage had fallen apart, and with it, I’d lost the only part of me that I still recognized. I was supposed to be on a quest to find myself. Instead, I’d somehow ended up making everything worse. I was still that stupid seventeen-year-old in a thirty-nine-year-old’s body.
I’d had fun in Vegas. It wasn’t about the shopping or the food and liquor we’d indulged in. It wasn’t even about the sex. I’d felt alive. I’d been free to have fun and break out of the strangling mold I’d voluntarily poured myself into and got stuck inside. I’d been the wife of a CEO, a person who needed to maintain appearances for so long that I’d forgotten how to be young. I wondered whether I’d ever even been young. When all my peers were out making all the mistakes new adults make, I was raising a baby. Vegas had made me feel like I was young again. It was as if I was reliving the youth I’d given up because I was in too big a hurry to grow up.
I just hadn’t expected to regret my attempt to recreate one night of being young and free.
I’d had fun with Trav. He’d made me laugh, and he’d looked after me when I needed it. I’d been scared crossing that stream, but he’d taken charge and shown me I could do it. The sex between us was explosive every time we came together with or without Jacques. I’d genuinely wanted more with him.
It was the same with Jacques this morning. When he’d walked into that bathroom and he’d seen me naked, he’d made me feel beautiful and wanted. He’d made sex about me. We’d both gotten off, but the way he’d taken me there right in front of the mirror was incredible. He lavished me in his touch, and I bloomed under it like a flower reaching up for the sunlight.
Had all of it been tainted? Was everything I experienced just my brain trying to trick myself into thinking I was young and hot and could reel in two gorgeous men? The tenderness in my pussy and ass told me it was real. The sex had happened. Trav was turned on when I’d been with him this afternoon. Jacques was this morning. There was no denying it.
I wanted more of both those experiences.
But not at Lincoln’s expense. He probably didn’t need me to be protective of him, but I couldn’t help it. Cara was the only person who’d said anything to me about her dad cheating. David’s executive assistant, the other managers and even their staff knew he was sleeping around. Not one of them thought about what it would do to me. Lincoln said he was okay with my dating Jacques and Travis, and I believed him, but hurting him like I’d been hurt was the antithesis of who I was as a person.
I heard the sliding door open and close, but I didn’t look up.
“Do you want to talk about it?” Lincoln asked as he rolled up his jeans, sat down, and dipped his feet in the water.
“I was reminiscing about what a mess my whole life has been.” I huffed out a laugh that held no humor and shook my head. “There is so much I regret.”
“Are Jacques and Travis on the list?”
“Yes and no,” I answered. “I certainly regret getting between you guys.”
“You didn’t.”
He knocked his shoulder gently into mine, and I looked up at him.
He gave me a small smile and kicked his feet, swirling the water around us. “Truthfully, I’ve never felt like I’m enough for them. Travis has always been such a force of nature. He reminds me of a wild stallion. Women fall at his feet—”
“Do you blame them?”
He chuckled. “Not in the slightest. Jacques too. He could hook up with a new woman every night if he wanted. He’s like a lake—deep and calm. They balance each other out. Then there’s me, an introverted, overly anxious guy who hates peopling, yet is in a relationship with two of the most personable people you’ve ever met.”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you or make you second-guess your place with them.”
“Like I said before, there’s nothing to apologize for. They didn’t lie to you because they wanted to hurt you. They aren’t your ex—” He held his hands up in a defensive gesture when I snapped my gaze up to meet his. "—I don’t know anything other than that he cheated on you. I’m sorry you went through that.”
“Me too.”
“But it’s brought you here, so it’s not all bad.”
“Why do you want me here?” I asked, unable to fathom why he was even talking to me, never mind encouraging me to stay.
He shrugged as if it were no big deal. “I want them happy. Jacques has worked his whole life to play hockey. If he lost that, he’d be devastated.”
Ah, his career, of course.
He added, almost as if it were an afterthought, “And because I see something different in them with you than with their other hookups.”
“Do they bring other hookups around often?”
He laughed. “No, never. But there are times when I have to be seen in public, and they’re with dates. It’s perfunctory for them. Most of the time, they’re doing what is necessary to shield us from media attention. Whenever we speak about whether they enjoyed the hookup, they never rave about them. They certainly never blush, and I’ve seen both Jacques and Travis do that since they’ve been back.”
I didn’t know what to say, so I stayed quiet.
But Lincoln wasn’t finished speaking anyway. “They like you, Carina, and I think we could be friends. Would it be so bad if you stuck around for a while?”
“What choice do I have?”
“Jacques would sooner walk away from his career than hurt someone he cares about, and he cares about you. He has done for years.”
My eyes widened and a grin slowly formed on his lips.
“He didn’t fess up, did he?” Lincoln laughed and whispered conspiratorially, “You were his teenage crush. He’s wanted you for as long as he knew what lust was, and Travis is smitten with you too. You’re exactly his type—strong, feisty, vulnerable, gorgeous.”
“He… he told me,” I stuttered. Jacques had told me that, but I hadn’t really believed him. Not after he’d dashed out of the room after fucking me up against the bathroom counter and bundled us onto the next plane out of Vegas. “I don’t want to ruin things for him, but I also don’t want either one of us to be uncomfortable.”
“So stay, and we’ll play things by ear. You and I can talk whenever either of us feels like we need to.” He paused and cleared his throat, then added, “I don’t have sex with other people, but I do have sex with them. Do you think you can handle it knowing that we might be together?”
I swallowed, and desire hit me hot and hard. The thought of the three of them naked and touching one another was mind-bendingly sexy. “Will they touch each other with me there? Will you be with them while I’m in the room?” My voice was breathy, and I hated how it betrayed the secret I was suddenly struggling to keep.
“If that’s what you want, I’m sure Jacques and Trav would be happy to oblige.” He shifted, leaning forward to brace his elbows on his knees. He gazed into the water, never stopping the movement of his feet. “As for me, let’s see how things go.”
“Okay.” We sat like that for a few minutes, the quiet enveloping us. Then I voiced the question that had been bugging me since Jacques admitted his parents didn’t know about them. “Do you agree with Jacques not telling Sophia and Pierre about the three of you?”
“No,” he said carefully. “But it’s not my sole decision to make. I got overruled, so I’ll respect that decision until Travis and Jacques change their minds.”
“Does it hurt to be kept a secret?” It was too personal a question to ask, but I needed to know. I didn’t want to be twisting the knife in his heart every time I got to be seen in public with Jacques and he couldn’t.
“I hate it,” he whispered. “It eats away at me like I’ve swallowed acid. But I love them.” He shrugged. “I knew what I was getting myself into after the first night we were together. Jacques asked how he could keep both of us a secret. I knew we could never be open. Not while Jacques was in the public eye.”
My heart shattered, breaking into a million tiny pieces. Jacques wouldn’t necessarily be out of the public eye at the end of his hockey career either. If he moved into the media, he’d have years of being in front of the camera.
“Sophia and Pierre would understand, you know? They’d support you without question.”
He sighed, seemingly curling into himself. “Even now that you’re married?”
I huffed. “I think especially now. They’d be able to rationalize that I did it as a favor to you so that the heat stayed off the three of you. I think they’d actually appreciate thinking we concocted a fake marriage rather than it being a drunken spur of the moment decision.”
“Jacques has always been scared that the more people who know, the more likely it will slip out.”
“And Trav?”
“He’s afraid of losing them. His parents…. I’ll let him tell you about them. But Sophia and Pierre took him under their wing. We’re both like other sons to them. He doesn’t want to risk disappointing them.”
“They were awful. My parents,” Trav interjected from behind us.
I startled, not having realized he was there.
“I love Sophia and Pierre. They’ve been better parents to me than my own, that’s for sure.” Trav sighed and sat down on my other side.
Instinctively I reached for him, interlacing our fingers.
“They were abusive. My father got drunk and violent. My mother just didn’t care. She abused whatever she could get her hands on. My sister and I got taken into care when she was nearly ready to age out. I was sixteen.”
“Oh God,” I gasped. “I’m so sorry.”
His smile was tight. “I don’t have any contact with them anymore. My sister uses too. I’ve tried to help, but she won’t accept it. Sophia and Pierre are the closest people to parents that I have.”
Before I could second-guess myself, I spoke. I didn’t even know what solidified my decision, but now that I’d made it, I wanted them to know.
“I don’t want any money from Jacques. I don’t want to take this from you.” I gestured to the property and the homestead. “I’ll sign whatever he wants me to sign. I’ll stay for as long as we’re all comfortable with me here.”
Trav hugged me and pressed a kiss to my cheek.
Lincoln knocked his shoulder into mine. “Good,” he said.
I hoped I didn’t regret my decision. For his sake and mine.