Chapter 14 Jakob
JAKOB
Levi Dunn was one of those guys that crushed beer cans on his forehead and consumed one hundred chicken wings in a sitting if it involved competition.
I felt lucky he didn’t go cow-tipping or light his own farts.
Then again, I didn’t spend every waking moment with him.
Either way, the guy really was that much of a stereotype.
He also dated Quinn Standish, which stunned all of us for more reasons than one. The whole thing came out last year, and none of us could believe it. Levi Dunn, Mister Macho himself, was gay.
Only, he’d never used the word gay. Or bisexual. Or anything else for that matter. He was an item with a ginger nerd who couldn’t have been more his opposite. He had a penis, and that was all that mattered.
We cruised down Main Street toward the Scajaquada Expressway in Levi’s car. As he blew through a red light, I finally summoned the nerve to ask the big question.
“So, how are things with you and Quinn?” I asked
“Quinn? Oh, he’s doing great.”
“No, no, I mean, how are things going with Quinn? Like, you and Quinn?”
He paused, but not like the question bothered or frightened him.
If anything, I would’ve called that a surprised look.
After all, it wasn’t every day that someone on the Larkin Lions asked about his relationship with another guy.
Everyone knew but pretended like they didn’t.
No, that doesn’t sound right. We all knew but treated his relationship the same as anyone else’s.
“It’s great,” he said. “Never been better.”
Levi served up an enormous burp, the kind that you could mistake for a minor earthquake and only covered his mouth at the tail end. That once again challenged my belief that Levi could really be a gay or bisexual man.
I wrung my hands like a wet towel. I wanted to ask the million-dollar question in the worst way but worried about what that would reveal about myself.
So far, only Zane and I knew about what’d happened between us.
Then again, Zane had the biggest mouth in Buffalo and might’ve blabbed about it to all of Western New York.
“I’m sorry,” I said, “that’s not really what I wanted to ask.”
“It wasn’t?”
“No, I was just wondering how it all happened. Like, how did it all come together?”
Levi stared out the windshield, steering with one hand on the wheel, and I wondered if he was debating whether to tell me anything.
He hadn’t seemed ashamed of it—he talked about Quinn plenty and didn’t treat him like a dirty secret.
His boyfriend also attended Lions games, but now Levi seemed oddly hesitant about speaking of him.
“You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to,” I said.
He shook his head, saying, “I didn’t see any of it coming, but I probably should have. I had a crush on Quinn from the time we were kids. We went to the same elementary school. God, did I ever bully the shit out of him.”
“You did?”
“Fuck yeah, man. I didn’t know why I was doing it. I mean, I do now, but it made no sense at the time. And then when I finally gave in, all the shit that made no sense finally became clear.”
“So, you had no idea before?”
“I didn’t say I had no idea. You listening?”
“Uh, yeah.”
I struggled not to blush.
“I knew something was going on right along,” he said, “but I wouldn’t admit it in a million years, not even to myself.”
“How can that be, though?”
He shrugged. “Beats me. It’s funny, though. I probably thought about Quinn while jacking off more than anyone else, including women, but I wasn’t gay, I wasn’t bi, I didn’t really like guys, none of that shit.”
“Textbook denial, in other words.”
“Call it whatever you want. All I knew was that if I ignored it, and definitely didn’t give it a name, I wasn’t gay.”
“Also known as textbook denial.”
Levi smiled hugely but didn’t glance at me.
His eyes stayed fixed on the road. I couldn’t rattle him, no matter what I said.
Part of me would’ve considered that part and parcel of his denial but I knew better.
Gossip hadn’t spread the news. Levi Dunn kissed Quinn Standish in front of everyone, opinions be damned.
That was just as well since no one on the team seemed to care. He was Levi Dunn, just like he’d always been. Teammates still pranked him in the shower like they had when they considered him totally straight. But that was Levi Dunn, wasn’t it? Would they be as kind and accepting if it was me?
But Zane and I weren’t a couple. I didn’t have to admit anything to everyone, and I certainly didn’t have to kiss him before an audience. Still, I hated bottling everything up. If nothing else, I needed to talk to someone who would understand.
“I don’t think it matters what you call it,” he said. “It all worked out okay in the end.”
“But did you hate his guts first?”
“No.”
“That’s good to know.”
“Well, it’s a little more complicated than that. I’m as sure as I can be that he hated me with the white-hot intensity of a thousand suns right up until that point. Probably for a while after, too. I was his number one bully, remember?”
“How could I forget?”
“Anyway, I knew I had a thing for him and was totally sure he felt the same way about me. I couldn’t stop myself.
I thought he was the most amazing-looking guy I’d ever seen.
Smart as fuck, too. I really like that in a weird way.
Yeah, he was a guy. That was the real roadblock, but I didn’t care what you called it.
I wanted him. He resisted, so I kept on pushing. It eventually happened.”
“Quinn got a restraining order?”
Levi smiled. “Real funny. No.”
“But he was the one holding out, right?”
“Yeah, can you believe that? All this was here for the taking and he acted like it was no big deal.”
He used both hands to point to himself like he was the most sumptuous banquet on earth and Quinn had risked missing out.
The car swerved into the left lane, prompting another driver to honk and flip the middle finger at us.
Levi grabbed the wheel and righted the car, paying no mind to the angry motorist.
I wanted to tell Levi everything, to unburden myself. Of all the people in the world, he should’ve been the last to judge me.
“Did it feel weird, though?” I asked.
“Did what feel weird?”
I shrugged, not wanting to say it out loud.
“I had experience with guys before Quinn, you know.”
“You did?”
“Sure. I messed around with tons of guys.”
“How come I never heard about that?”
“Because not everyone brags about their sexual escapades.”
“What the hell are you talking about? You used to tell us about women you banged all the time.”
He smiled like he knew I had him dead to rights but arguing would bring him no pleasure.
“Hookups are one thing,” he said. “I didn’t think I was really into guys. It was just sex. It didn’t mean anything. And then Quinn came along, and I realized I could actually feel something for him. I could feel a lot, actually.”
“That’s amazing
“Come on, Jakob, I’m not the first Larkin Lion to be in a relationship with another guy, you know.”
“You’re not? What, has Ryan Detenbeck been taking it up the ass or something?”
Levi howled with laughter and even slapped the wheel a couple of times. It would’ve sounded obnoxious coming from anyone else.
When he settled down, he focused on the road again and said, “Kayden Preston and Erik De Ruiter.”
“Who?”
“They played for the Larkin Lions. They were also playing hide the salami between each other’s ass cheeks.”
I took my turn laughing out loud but probably wouldn’t have had anyone else said that.
“I didn’t know about them,” I said.
“They were on the championship team a few years ago, before you got here.”
In truth, I did know who they were; I needed a moment for their names to register in my memory. Both had moved on to the pros, but I’d heard plenty about them. The news had covered them because their relationship was unlike anything hockey at any level had ever seen.
I didn’t even think about those two when applying to Larkin.
Why would I have? I’d never experienced a moment of man lust in my life before Zane Hirst had oinked his way into my life.
I just wanted to play hockey at the college level while remaining local.
It would also boost my efforts to reach the NHL.
“Would you ever do it for a hockey player?” I asked.
“I’d let Connor McDavid put me through the spin cycle, but nothing long term. You can only do what feels right.”
“You know something? You’re right.”
“Why? You thinking about sucking a cock or something?”
I shut right up. That struck me like a hook to the gut even though I knew damn well Levi was just being Levi. I couldn’t speak even if I wanted to. If I opened my mouth, Levi would know something was up.
“You’ve seen Ryan Detenbeck in the shower, haven’t you?” he asked.
“Uh, yeah, I have.”
“Talk about a fucking elephant. I keep expecting that thing to start sucking up peanuts or some shit.”
I couldn’t help laughing out loud. No, it didn’t eradicate the tension but eased it just a little.
“And then there’s Kayden Preston and Erik De Ruiter. I don’t know who was the top and bottom in that relationship, but I have no idea how either could walk after everything was said and done.
I smiled from ear to ear. At that point, I figured I’d done enough to deflect the conversation from anything to do with my own sexuality.
And yeah, so much of what Levi had said made sense. Problem was, he offered no idea of how to fix it.
“Did you ever think there was a point at which you could switch it off?” I asked.
“Switch what off? My raging boner?”
“If you want to call it that. I’m actually talking about your feelings for Quinn.”
“Before things really got going, yeah, of course. I thought I could control it. Once I kissed him for the first time, all bets were off.”
“What about Quinn?”
“He fought it a lot harder than I did but for different reasons.”
“So, you’re saying there was nothing you could do about it then? You were stuck?”
“I wouldn’t call it being stuck at all. I know I come off as a huge meathead—”
“You are a huge meathead—”
“Thank you. But the truth is, Quinn and I were in love. Why the fuck would I fight it?”
That was nice of him to say in a Levi Dunn sort of way. On the other hand, his answer was love. If that was the only answer, I would be royally screwed.