22. Connor
22
CONNOR
I knew that talking to someone would help alleviate some of the guilt I feel, but knowing something and feeling something are two different things.
I look at Liv, thinking for the umpteenth time how beautiful she is and how unworthy I am of her affection. I don’t even know what to call our relationship, and yet she’s always here for me, even when I need a place to stay, or a literal shoulder to cry on.
A small part of me feels a little ashamed for sobbing on her shoulder like a child, but I feel so much better now. Besides, she treated me with kindness and care, not like I was some kind of weak freak.
“You know that you can share your feelings with people,” Liv says to me, her voice tender and her eyes warm as they search my face. “The more you bottle stuff up, the worse it gets.”
I ponder the small shadow of emotion that passes over her face at her own words, but it’s there and gone so fast I’m not sure what it was.
“I would rather know why you’re upset than have to guess and worry whether or not I’m the cause of it,” she says to me.
I nod. “I know. It’s just… well, we didn’t really do that in my family. My dad thought he could solve a lot of problems with his fists, not words.” I gulp back the tight feeling that has taken hold of my throat.
Liv reaches out and places her hand on my shoulder. “I’m sorry you had to go through that. That’s terrible. But I’m always here for you, okay?”
I look at her in silence for a moment, emotions warring within me. I’m feeling so much already, my attachment to her growing stronger every day. The word love enters my thoughts and I immediately push it down.
I lean forward and kiss her before I follow that line of thought any further. I have been vulnerable enough over the last hour to last a lifetime. I just want to start doing something that I know I’m good at, that doesn’t cause me to doubt myself.
Being affectionate and sexy with Liv is definitely something I’m good at.
I tumble her back onto the couch and she squeals in surprise then laughs. I rain kisses along her neck, pressing them firmly into the ridges of her collarbones. I reach for the hem of her shirt, and she helps me slip it off and toss it on the floor. She isn’t wearing a bra, and her breasts are on full display for me. I stare at them, my mouth practically watering. Are they bigger than I remember them?
I reach out and gently caress them with my hands, and she moans and presses up into my touch.
“Oh god,” she rasps out, her head tilted back. “That feels so good. Don’t stop.”
I grin at her and oblige, kneading them softly and bending forward to suck first one nipple, and then the other, into my mouth. She arches even further into my touch. The soft, panting sounds she’s making are causing my cock to become as hard as iron, but I’m determined to put her needs before mine, even if my body is raging for physical and emotional release tonight.
“I have clearly not been getting enough time with these,” I say to her as I lavish more attention on her perky, full breasts. “I don’t remember them being this big, or this sensitive. They’re delicious.”
She looks at me for a moment, that same flicker of emotion or thought slipping in despite the haze of passion, but then it’s gone again. She reaches up and pulls me down for a kiss that makes me feel dizzy with want.
“I need you inside of me. Now,” she says.
I grin at her and pull away, shucking off my shirt then stepping away from the couch for a moment to step out of my joggers. She keeps her eyes locked on me hungrily as she lifts her hips and removes her pajama pants.
“Why so impatient?” I ask her quietly, covering her body with mine again, but ignoring the not-so-subtle movements of her hips beneath me. I smooth her hair away from her face and drop a kiss on the end of her nose, then onto her full lips. She tries to rise up and deepen the kiss, but I draw back again.
“Clearly you’ve never heard of lovemaking,” I say to her, my voice husky.
She snorts. “I don’t desire lovemaking, I desire fucking,” she retorts.
I shake my head and drop little kisses on her ribs. She sighs softly, her body beginning to relax.
“Spoken like a woman who has only fucked men who were in a hurry to get to the finish line,” I reply, my tone slightly chiding as I place a few more kisses on her ribs on the other side. “Mature, thoughtful lovers, understand that there are two kinds of sex.”
“Maybe I’m not mature or thoughtful,” she retorts, but there’s no heat in her words.
I hum lightly in reply then delve my tongue teasingly into her belly button. She gasps and I feel the muscles under my lips tense. I kiss the spot below her navel, then place open-mouthed, slightly sloppy kisses on both of her hip bones. She squirms, making delightful little noises that make my cock twitch against her thigh.
“Well, I happen to be both mature and thoughtful,” I say to her. “At least most of the time,” I amend before I breathe out over her dripping pussy.
“Connor,” she sighs, lifting her hips slightly.
“Shh,” I say before I begin licking her. “Let me show you what’s possible when you slow down a little.”
“You’re lucky I like you,” she says to me, “or else I’d be really mad at you for torturing me like this.”
I chuckle but don’t say a word. Instead, I probe ever so gently with my tongue between her folds. I’m rewarded with another cry of pleasure and a buck of her hips.
It’s a bit strange being with her without the other guys. It’s definitely more intimate, and I get to make up the rules as I go, focusing on just us. I’ve always been a considerate lover, at least I hope so, but I never worried much about the tempo of the process. I usually just read the noises that the girl was making to the best of my ability, trying to bring out all the right tricks to make sure that I pleased her.
However, with Liv, the rules are totally different. For one thing, she’s now used to getting stimulation from three men at once, which makes being the only one pleasuring her a little daunting. For another thing, she’s a rough and ready, straight to the point kind of partner, which could be really fun, but could also get kind of repetitive. I’m usually grateful that she’s adventurous and loves a good messy, aggressive romp, but that isn’t what I wanted, or needed tonight.
“Okay, maybe this is kind of nice,” she breathes out as I suck her clit gently into my mouth before diving my tongue into her heated center again.
“Told you,” I murmur against her delightful heat.
“Connor, I’m so close,” she whispers, pressing her hips upward with more urgency.
I draw back a little, and she protests with a small noise. I rise over her again moments later, the head of my cock teasing at the dripping warmth of her welcoming me.
“Please, Connor, just fuck me. I’m dying.”
I look down at her, her lips red and swollen from my kisses, her cheeks pink. In my heart of hearts, I can’t wait to really feel her, to claim her as mine.
I lift my hips and press an inch inside of her. She moans, arching toward me. I pull myself back and shake my head.
“Slowly, remember?” I tell her, not even sure why I’m pushing so hard for this new tempo and cadence between us. My cock is telling me I’m a fool, but my heart, well, I’m letting it dictate what we do this time.
“Slowly, right,” she manages to say, clearly struggling to hold still as I fill her pussy inch by tantalizing inch.
“Fuck, you feel good,” I say to her as I finally sink all the way inside. She’s so tight and all I want to do is allow myself to come undone but I absolutely will not give in to that desire. We are going to make love for once, not fuck.
“Connor,” she says softly, doing as I asked and holding still. I stare down at her for a moment, admiring her full breasts as she pants a little with the effort. Then, I start moving slowly, pulling all the way back out until just the head of my cock is inside of her.
As I slowly start to move again, she gently rises up to meet me, like the ocean washing up on the beach. We fall into a slow, steady, almost tantric rhythm, her cries growing louder and louder as the pleasure intensifies.
“Liv,” I gasp as I start to move more quickly, “it’s like you were made for me. You fit me like a glove.”
She grins for a moment, then her mouth falls open as the first warning tremors of her orgasm pass through her. “Connor!” she cries, “Oh, god, I’m so close. Please.”
This time, I oblige, driving into her harder, making her gasp with surprised pleasure a moment before her orgasm tears through her. She screams my name over and over as she shakes and quivers around my cock.
Grinning at the work of art I’ve made, I finally allow myself to follow her over the edge, groaning out her name as I spill into her welcoming heat. The orgasm is so intense that my arms start to shake, and I half-collapse on top of her before I catch myself. I feel like I’m being pulled inside out, like I’m being reborn, and that everything will finally be all right.
She looks up at me as we both pant and fight for air, emotion shining in her eyes, her hair a tangled mess. I swear she has never looked more beautiful.
I feel a brief pang of guilt that the others missed out on this moment, but I dismiss it as quickly as it comes. The intimacy that we just shared was possible because it was just the two of us, and because of the talk that we had beforehand. If the rest of our little harem had been here, this would feel very different.
“You’re right,” Liv manages to say, lifting her arms over her head and stretching. “Lovemaking is actually pretty great.”
“Another successful convert,” I quip, and she rolls her eyes. She wriggles a little beneath me, and my cock greedily twitches to life again. She lifts a brow and I smile sheepishly. “It likes you,” I say, making her laugh.
“Well how about it liking me in the shower, or the bed, or someplace that’s actually wide enough for both of us,” she replies, shifting beneath me again.
I suddenly realize the small size of the couch. I’m pretty impressed we didn’t end up tumbling to the floor in the middle of our session.
“Shouldn’t we maybe eat something?” I ask her, remembering how hungry I was when I got to her place.
Just then, her stomach rumbles as if in reply, and we both laugh.
“Okay. Food, then shower, then bed,” she says firmly, swinging her legs around and yanking on her pajama pants. I feel a small sense of sadness as her beautiful ass vanishes from sight.
“I’m so glad you brought food,” she says to me from the kitchen. I hear her getting out
plates and cutlery as I pull my clothes back on. “I’ve been hungry at the weirdest times of the day since…”
She stops talking so abruptly that I glance over at her with concern. “Everything okay?” I ask her worriedly. She looks a bit stunned, like she caught herself before she said something she wasn’t ready to.
She shakes her head and starts plating up our takeout. “Everything’s fine,” she insists, her hands busy. “I was just rambling.”
“You said you’ve been hungry at weird times since, and then didn’t finish your thought,” I say.
She shakes her head and laughs. “Oh, just since I’ve been so busy,” she says lightly. She turns toward me and passes me a plate. “Come on, let’s sit at the table so we don’t make an even bigger mess of my new couch.”
I look down at the slightly disheveled couch and nod. “Sure,” I mumble, but her little verbal slip in the kitchen has planted a small seed of doubt in my mind. I don’t know what she might have been about to say, but her reaction makes me think that she’s keeping a secret from me. I think back to how she kept the truth about hooking up with Aiden from all of us, and it makes me wince a little. I don’t like the idea of her continuing to keep secrets after we all promised to be more open with one another.
“What?” she asks me as she sits down at the table. “You look like you want to say something.”
I sigh and sit across from her. “It’s just… are you sure everything’s okay?”
She nods firmly then reaches out and places her hand over mine. “Yeah, I promise. It’s just been hard, what with avoiding the press all the time and dealing with Travis and stuff. I’m not keeping secrets, I’m just trying not to dwell on things.”
That makes sense. I wish my gut would agree with me that it accounted for her odd reaction to my questions. I decide not to dwell, however, and dig into my food. I allow her to direct the conversation toward the pending playoffs.
By the time we head to the shower, where I give in and deliver a fast and rough quickie just the way she likes it, I’ve almost forgotten the weird moment in the kitchen.
As we curl up in bed, I ponder what it would be like to spend every night of my life just like this. I know that it’s not what we signed up for, but spending time with Liv always feels like coming home to me.
She nestles back against me with a sweet little sigh, and I wrap my arm around her waist. As her breathing evens out into a deep sleep, I realize that the thing I have been trying to deny since I was sixteen really can’t be ignored any longer.
I stare into the darkness of her room and listen to her breathe, realizing a fundamental truth.
I’ve been in love with Liv since I was sixteen years old, and I will never stop being irrevocably, hopelessly in love with her.