Chapter Sixteen
XADEN
She's kissing me like it's the only thing keeping her alive.
And fuck me, I'm kissing her back like it's the only thing keeping me from drowning.
Her lips are soft and desperate against mine, tasting of salt water and something uniquely her. Something that's been driving me insane since the first moment I touched her.
I should push her away. Should remind myself that she's a Kellar, that her blood is tainted with the same poison that killed my sister.
But when she whimpers into my mouth and presses closer, when her hands slide up my chest and tangle in my hair, all rational thought evaporates.
I deepen the kiss, my tongue sliding against hers, claiming her mouth the way I want to claim every part of her. The hand in her hair tightens, angling her head so I can take more, consume more, destroy more.
Because that's what we do to each other.
Destroy.
She breaks the kiss first, gasping for air, her chest heaving against mine. Her eyes are wild. pupils blown wide with desire and something that looks dangerously like hope.
“Xaden—”
“Shut up,” I growl, then crash my lips back to hers.
I can't let her speak. Can't let her say whatever she's about to say because I know it'll be something that makes this worse. Something about the thing growing inside her. Something that makes me want to acknowledge what I refuse to accept.
My hands roam her body, sliding down her sides, gripping her hips, pulling her impossibly closer until there's no space left between us. The cold water lapping around us does nothing to cool the fire burning through my veins.
She's wearing nothing but a bra and thong, and the thin scraps of fabric are the only barrier between us.
It's not enough.
I need her naked, need to feel every inch of her skin against mine. I need to bury myself so deep inside her that I forget everything, the baby, the war, the fact that she's supposed to be my enemy.
My hand slides around to cup her ass, and she gasps into my mouth, her nails digging into my shoulders.
“Tell me to stop,” I rasp against her lips. “Tell me you don't want this.”
Because I need her to be the strong one, need her to have the willpower I don't possess.
“I can't,” she whispers, and the admission pisses me off as much as it relieves me.
I lift her effortlessly. Her legs wrap around my waist as I carry her toward the shore. The water streams off our bodies as I wade through the shallows, never breaking the kiss.
When we reach the sand, I don't lay her down gently. I drop to my knees and pin her beneath me, my body covering hers completely.
She arches up into me, seeking friction, seeking relief from the tension coiling between us.
“You're trying to destroy me,” I mutter against her throat, my teeth scraping the sensitive skin. “You're trying to rip me apart and I might just let you.”
“Then let me,” she breathes. “Let me in, Xaden. Stop fighting this.”
“I can't.” The confession tears from somewhere deep and honest. “If I let you in, if I admit what you are to me, then everything I've done becomes unforgivable.”
Her hands frame my face, forcing me to look at her. “It already is unforgivable. We're already damned. So why not be damned together?”
The logic is twisted and broken but it makes perfect sense at this moment.
We're both monsters.
Both scarred beyond recognition.
Both fighting wars that can't be won.
So why not surrender to this?
To the one thing that feels real in a world built on lies?
I kiss her again—slower this time, deeper—pouring everything I can't say into the press of my lips against hers.
Her hands slide down my back, nails raking over my skin, and I groan into her mouth.
My hand drifts lower, sliding over her hip, and I freeze when my palm grazes her stomach.
I jerk back like I've been burned.
Her mouth opens. “Don't,” I snap, sitting back on my heels and putting distance between us.
Toren's eyes widen with hurt and confusion. “Xaden—”
“Don't fucking talk about it.” My voice is harsh, cold. “Whatever you're about to say, don't.”
“I wasn't going to—”
“Bullshit.” I push to my feet, running my hands through my wet hair, ignoring my raging hard-on. “You want me to acknowledge it. Want me to care about that... thing growing inside you.”
She flinches at the word thing, good. She should.
“It's not a thing,” she says quietly, pushing herself up to sit. “It's a baby. Our baby.”
“No.” The word comes out sharp, final. “It's a mistake. A consequence. Nothing more.”
“You don't fucking mean that—”
“Don't tell me what I fucking mean!” I roar, and she goes still. “You think carrying my kid changes anything between us? You think it makes you special? Makes you matter?”
The tears gathering in her eyes should make me feel victorious. Should satisfy the beast inside me that feeds on her pain.
“I know what you're doing,” she says, her voice shaking but steady. “You're trying to push me away. Trying to make me hate you so you don't have to feel anything.”
“I don't feel anything,” I lie. “Except disgust. You're a Kellar. Your brother killed my sister. And now you're trying to trap me with—”
“I'm not trying to trap you!” She scrambles to her feet, fury replacing the hurt in her eyes. “I didn't plan this! I didn't want this! But it's happening, Xaden, whether you acknowledge it or not!”
“Then get rid of it.”
The words hang in the air between us like a death sentence.
Toren goes completely pale. “What?”
“You heard me.” I force myself to look her in the eyes, to deliver the cruelty with precision. “Get rid of it. I don't want it. I'll never want it. Every time I'd look at that kid, all I'd see is the cunt who murdered my family.”
She punches me so hard my head snaps to the side.
For a moment, we just stand there, her chest heaving with rage and grief, me tasting blood from where my teeth cut the inside of my cheek.
“You're a fucking coward,” she hisses, the disappointment in her voice cuts deeper than any blade. “You hide behind your anger and your revenge because you're too afraid to admit that you might actually care about something again.”
“Don't—”
“Shut up.” Now it's her turn to cut me off. “I'm done listening to your bullshit. You want to pretend you're this monster who feels nothing? Fine. Play your part. But don't you dare try to make me believe it.”
She stalks past me toward where our clothes are discarded on the beach.
I watch her go, every instinct screaming at me to stop her, to take it back, to admit that I'm lying through my teeth.
But I don't.
Because if I acknowledge the baby—if I let myself care about the life growing inside her—then I have to acknowledge that I care about her.
And I can't afford that weakness.
Not when there's still so much blood to spill.
Not when Masen is still alive and breathing somewhere, unpunished for what he did.
Not when admitting I care about Toren Kellar means betraying everything I've fought for over the past two years.
The ultrasound image burns like fire in my jeans pocket, a constant reminder of what I'm denying.
But I shove it down. Lock it away. Refuse to let it mean anything.
She pulls her clothes on with jerky, angry movements, not looking at me once.
“Fiona Williams,” I say, my voice flat. “Tell me everything you know about her.”
Toren freezes, then turns to look at me with such withering contempt that I actually feel it.
“You're unbelievable,” she says. “You just told me to get rid of our baby and now you want to talk business?”
“The baby isn't real to me,” I lie. “But Fiona Williams is. And if she's as dirty as you say, then she's a problem that needs to be dealt with.”
“A problem,” Toren repeats slowly. “Is that all I am to you too? A problem?”
“You're a means to an end,” I say, forcing ice into my voice. “You have information I need. That's it.”
She laughs. a broken, bitter sound that makes my chest ache.
“You know what? Fine. You want to be a cold, heartless bastard? I can work with that.” She finishes dressing and crosses her arms. “Fiona Williams was Kellan's handler. She forced him to spy on both our families, and promised him immunity for information.”
I nod, filing the information away.
“But she's dirty,” Toren continues. “She's been playing all sides, collecting intel for her own purpose. Power. Control. She wants to take down both empires and claim the territory for herself.”
“And you have proof?”
“Yes. Everything Kellan gave me before he died.” Her jaw clenches. “Enough to destroy her if it’s used right.”
“Good.” I move toward my own clothes. “We work together until she's dealt with. Then we're done.”
“Done?” She raises an eyebrow. “Just like that?”
“Just like that.” I pull my shirt on, refusing to look at her. “You go your way, I go mine. Clean break. No war. You leave my town and never come back.”
“And the baby?”
“Not my problem.” The lie tastes like ash. “You want to keep it? That's your choice. But don't expect anything from me.”
The silence that follows is deafening.
When I finally look at her, there's no more hurt in her eyes. No more hope.
Just cold, hard resolve.
“Okay, Devlin.” She uses my last name like a weapon. “We'll play it your way. Business partners until Fiona's dealt with. Then we're done.”
“Good.”
“But you should know something.” She steps closer, getting right in my face.
“That baby you're so desperate to pretend doesn't exist?
It's going to be born whether you acknowledge it or not.
And one day—maybe not today, maybe not this year—but one day you're going to regret this moment.
You're going to regret choosing revenge over the only good thing that's ever come from all this destruction.”
She turns and starts walking toward the parking lot.
“Where are you going?” I call after her.
“To call my ride and get the file on Fiona.” She doesn't turn around. “I'll meet you at your apartment in an hour. We'll plan our next move.”
Then she's gone, disappearing into the darkness.
I'm left standing on the beach near where my sister died, with the ultrasound of my unborn child like a weight in my pocket and the taste of Toren's kiss still on my lips.
I told myself I don't care.
Told myself the baby means nothing.
Told myself I can use her for information and then walk away clean.
But as I stand here alone in the dark, I realize the only person I'm lying to is myself.
Because that baby does matter.
And so does she.
And I have no fucking idea how to deal with either truth.
So I do what I always do when emotions threaten to overwhelm me.
I shove them down. Lock them away. Focus on what I can control.
Fiona Williams needs to die.
Masen needs to pay.
Steven Kellar’s empire needs to be destroyed.
Those are tangible goals. Clear objectives.
Unlike the mess of feelings Toren Kellar stirs up inside me.
I pull out my phone and text Cas.
Me - Meeting at the apartment in an hour. Bring everyone. We have a new target.
His response is immediate.
Cas - Who?
Me - Deputy Director Fiona Williams. CIA.
Cas - Fuck. Okay. See you soon.
I pocket the phone and start getting dressed, my mind already strategizing, planning, calculating.
This is what I'm good at. This is who I am.
A monster who destroys everything he touches.
And if Toren Kellar thinks she can save me from myself?
She's about to learn just how wrong she is.