Chapter Thirty-Four #2
“No,” Carnage says firmly, though he looks like the words taste bad.
“Look, I don't like the fucker. I think he's a sadistic bastard with fucked up priorities.
I think he's hurt Tor more times than I can count. But—” He stops, looking at me.
“But when he pulled you out of that fire, when you weren't breathing, I saw something I've never seen before. He broke, Tor. Completely. Gave you CPR, screaming at you to breathe. And when the ambulance took you, he just... stood there. Frozen. Like his entire world had ended.”
Carnage leans forward.
“Then he got here and you were unconscious. Barely responsive. And I watched him sit beside you, holding your hand, whispering shit I couldn't hear. Looking like he was dying right along with you.”
“And then he left,” Harper points out coldly.
“Because Alex called about Fiona,” Carnage says, and I can tell how much it costs him to defend Xaden.
“And the woman who helped kill his sister and tried to kill Tor was awake and talking.
And Devlin—look, the guy's a psycho. We all know it.
But he's a psycho who loves you, Tor. And right now, he's making sure the person who tried to kill you and your baby suffers for it.”
“That's not love,” Harper argues. “That's obsession.”
“Maybe,” Carnage agrees. “But it's also protection. He's eliminating the threat. Making sure Fiona can never come after you again.”
“By torturing her instead of being here,” Harper says.
“Yeah,” Carnage admits. “By torturing her instead of being here. Because that's what he knows how to do. Violence. Revenge. Protection through elimination.”
He looks at me directly.
“I'm not saying it's right. I'm not even saying I'd make the same choice because I wouldn’t, I would be here by your side the whole time. I'm just saying, it's not as simple as him not giving a shit. He's just... fucked up. And he's dealing with almost losing you the only way he knows how.”
“By leaving me alone in a hospital,” I say quietly.
Carnage winces. “Yeah. That part's bullshit. I told him to get his ass back here hours ago. He didn't listen.”
“Of course he didn't,” Harper mutters.
“What's he doing to her?” I ask. “To Fiona?”
Carnage's expression goes dark. “Do you really want to know?”
“Yes.”
He's quiet for a moment, “Alex is the lead. He's... methodical. Surgical. Knows exactly where to cut, how deep, how long. Devlin's assisting. Doing what he does, collecting trophies, making art out of pain.”
“The lips,” I say, remembering what Harper mentioned earlier.
“Among other things,” Carnage confirms. “Fiona's giving us everything. Names, locations, operations, bank accounts. Everything she knows about the CIA's black ops, about her plans, about who else is involved. She’s given up everything she had on your family, Alex, the Filthy Few and even Xaden.”
“Because she wants it to stop,” I say.
“Because she knows Alex Denver doesn't stop,” Carnage corrects.
“Not until he's satisfied. Everyone who has heard the rumors about The Butcher knows that once you’re strapped to his table, there is no leaving. And Devlin?” He shakes his head.
“That motherfucker is... enjoying it. More than I've seen him enjoy anything. Because she tried to kill you.”
Harper makes a disgusted sound. “And you think that's romantic?”
“I think it's fucked up,” Carnage says bluntly. “But this is the world we live in—” He stops, clearly struggling. “Look, I hate admitting this. I hate Devlin. I don’t think he’s any good for you, but he lives by the same code we all do.
Come after those we love and we’ll obliterate you.
Fiona came after his sister, best friends and then tried to come after you and his kid to get at Alex. His reasoning is just my opinion.”
“He’s still an asshole,” Harper insists.
“Yeah,” Carnage agrees. “But it's who he is.”
Silence falls.
“I texted him,” Carnage finally says. “Told him you're awake. Fully conscious. That you're asking for him.”
“And?” I ask.
“He said he'll be here when he's done,” Carnage relays, and I can hear the disdain in his voice. “Said to tell you he's making sure Fiona pays for what she did. That he'll explain everything when he gets here.”
“When will that be?” I ask.
“Didn't say,” Carnage admits. “But knowing Alex? Could be hours. Could be days. Depends on how long Fiona lasts.”
“Days?” Harper explodes.
“Harper,” I cut her off quietly. “It's okay.”
“It's not okay—”
“It's who he is,” I say, echoing Carnage's words. “And I knew that going in. I knew Xaden Devlin was a monster. I knew he chose violence. I knew he'd break my heart over and over.”
Tears fall despite my best efforts.
“But I love him anyway,” I admit, hating the look of agony on Carn’s face as I say those words aloud. “I'm having his baby. So either I accept who he is, or I walk away. And I don't—I can't walk away.”
Harper's expression softens slightly. “Tor—”
“I'm tired,” I say, cutting her off. “I'm tired of defending him. Tired of waiting for him. Tired of being understanding. But I also know that when he gets here—whenever that is—I'm going to forgive him. Because I always do.”
“That's not healthy,” Harper says gently.
“I know,” I admit. “But it's the truth.”
Carnage stands. “I need to get back. Alex wants me to take a turn while he takes a break. But Tor? For what it's worth…” He closes his eyes and when they open, I see a range of emotions that has my chest aching. “Devlin does love you. He's just shit at showing it.”
“That's not a defense,” Harper points out.
“I know,” Carnage agrees. “But that's all I've got.”
He looks at me one more time.
“You did good tonight, darlin’,” he says quietly.
“You survived. You protected your baby. You killed the person who tried to hurt you. That's what matters. I’m just so sorry I wasn’t there to help.
” Guilt gnaws at me. “For what it’s worth, darlin’…
Xaden has no fucking idea how lucky he is to have you.
If the son of a bitch doesn’t wake up to himself soon…
Someone else will slip in and steal you out from under him and love you like you deserve to be loved. ”
He leaves, and Harper and I are alone again with Carnage’s not so subtle declaration hanging in the air.
“I'm sorry,” she says after a moment. “I know I'm being harsh. I just—I hate seeing you hurt. And he keeps hurting you.”
“I know,” I whisper.
“You deserve better.”
“Maybe,” I agree. “But better isn't what I want. I want him.”
“Even when he chooses torture over being here?”
“Even then,” I confirm, even though the admission hurts.
Harper climbs onto the bed beside me carefully, pulling me into her arms.
“Then I'll be here,” she says. “When he breaks your heart again—and he will—I'll be here to pick up the pieces.”
“Thank you,” I whisper.
“That's what sisters are for.”
We sit like that for a long time, me crying quietly, her holding me together while I fall apart.
Eventually, exhaustion wins.
My eyes get heavy, my body demanding rest.
“Sleep,” Harper murmurs. “I'll stay. And if that asshole shows up, I'll decide whether to wake you or kick him out.”
“Harper—”
“I'm kidding,” she says, but I'm not sure she is. “Sleep, Tor. You need it.”
As I drift off, one thought circles through my mind:
He saved my life but couldn't stay to watch me wake up.
He's torturing the woman who tried to kill me instead of being here.
And I'm going to forgive him when he finally shows up.
What does that say about me?
What does that say about us?
And I don't have an answer.
Don't know if there is one.
I just know that I'm here, alive, carrying his baby.
And he's somewhere else, covered in someone else's blood, doing what he does best.
Being a monster.
My monster.
The man I love despite everything.
The man who saves me and breaks me in equal measure.
And I don't know how to stop loving him.
Don't know if I want to.
The thought follows me into sleep.
And I dream of fire and blood and a man with gray eyes who saves me but can't stay.
Over and over again.
He saves me.
Then he chooses violence over me.
And I let him.
Because loving Xaden Devlin means accepting that sometimes, I'll come second to his darkness.
And I don't know if that's love or self-destruction.
Maybe it's both.