Chapter Thirty-Five #2
“I’ve done more than you fucking know,” Carnage says. “More than you fucking deserve. We broke you out tonight. Coordinated with your men. Put our people at risk. All for you to get back to her. And this is what you do with it?”
He shakes his head.
“I'm going to get coffee,” he says. “Give you some time with her.
But when she wakes up? She better see you here.
Not me. You. Because I'm done being second choice just because the man she actually wants can't stop being a fucking coward. Man up or step the fuck aside because you’re blocking her from seeing what is standing right here waiting.”
He leaves, the door closing behind him.
I stand there, breathing hard, his words echoing in my head.
For about three seconds, she wanted me instead of you.
The thought makes me want to destroy something.
But instead, I turn to the bed.
To my fairy.
Still unconscious. Still so fragile. I sink back into the chair and reach for her hand.
“I'm… fuck, Tink… I’m… sorry,” I whisper. “I should have been there, I keep fucking things up. I'm sorry—” My voice breaks.
She doesn't respond.
Doesn't move.
Just lies there, breathing shallowly, monitors beeping their steady rhythm.
“He's right,” I admit. Those two words taste like acid on my tongue. “About all of it. I hurt you. I keep choosing wrong. But Tink—”
I lean forward, pressing my forehead against our joined hands.
“I don't know how to be anything else. This is me. I’m the fucking master of destruction. You were never meant to mean anything.”
The door opens and Cas hobbles in, his phone in hand.
“It’s Pope,” he says, seeing my face. “Are we going?”
I look at Toren.
Then at the message.
Then back at Toren.
She's stable. She's breathing. She's safe. But Fiona needs to be dealt with, that rotten cunt tried to take her from me, she wanted to use her against me and that is not something I’ll ever let go of.
The rage is building again, funneling through me like a breeze.
The need to hurt Fiona for what she did is fucking overwhelming. The need to make her suffer is taking over my rational thought. Bloodlust is clawing at me and needing an outlet.
“Yeah,” I say, standing. “We’re fucking going.”
Cas looks at Toren, then back at me.
“Carnage is going to lose his shit,” he observes.
“Carnage can go fuck himself,” I say coldly. “The cunt needs to learn his place, it’s not by her fucking side either.”
I lean down, pressing my lips to Toren's forehead.
“Remember what I said, you don’t get to die unless it's by my hand," I whisper against her skin.
All I know for sure right now is that Fiona Williams is awake and conscious, and I need to hurt her. I need to make her pay for what she did. I release Toren's hand and we head for the door. In the hallway, Carnage is leaning against the wall, coffee in hand. He sees us and his expression darkens.
“You're fucking kidding me,” he says.
This motherfucker has a death wish. “Move,” I order.
“She's unconscious in there and you're leaving,” Carnage says, not moving.
“That bitch is awake and waiting for me,” I say flatly. “And I'm going to make sure she suffers for what she did.”
“By leaving Toren alone,” Carnage says. “By not being here when she wakes up.”
“You're here,” I point out.
“I'm not who she needs!” Carnage snaps. Hearing those words from his mouth gives me sick satisfaction. Good, the cunt knows she doesn’t want his dusty ass.
“When she wakes up, she's going to ask for you. And what am I supposed to tell her? That you chose torturing someone over being here? That you left the second you had an excuse?”
“Tell her whatever the fuck you want, I don’t owe you shit. I'm going to make sure the person who tried to kill her and our baby pays for it,” I say coldly.
“By not being here,” Carnage says.
“By eliminating the threat,” I correct.
We stare at each other. All the partnership from the extraction is gone. Just two men who want the same woman.
“You're going to lose her,” Carnage finally says. “Not today. Maybe not tomorrow. But eventually, she's going to realize that you're never going to choose her first. And when that happens—when she finally walks away—remember this moment. Remember that you had a choice. And you chose wrong.”
I push forward until we are chest to chest and allow this bastard to see the rage simmering beneath the surface.
“It was never a choice where she was concerned,” I grit out through clenched teeth.
“Put your nose where it doesn’t belong again and I’ll start a war with Alex by killing you,” I say, and push past him.
Cas follows, awkward on his crutch. In the elevator, he looks at me.
“He's not wrong, you know,” Cas says quietly.
“I don't want to fucking hear it, Caspian.”
“I'm saying it anyway,” Cas continues. “Toren almost died. And the second you have an excuse to leave, you take it.”
“Fiona needs to fucking pay,” I say through clenched teeth.
“And Toren needs you,” Cas counters. “But you're choosing revenge. Again. Like you always do.”
“She's unconscious,” I argue. “She won't even fucking know I'm gone. Stop acting like a bitch. This is who I am!”
“Until she wakes up,” Cas fires back. “And then what? When she realizes you weren't there. That you left her alone.”
The elevator doors open. “I don't know how to be anything else,” I snap. “This is who I fucking am, Cas. I’m not a hockey player. I’m not a normal fucking person. I’m the goddamn Don of the Devlin Cosa Nostra and that means something!”
“Learn, Xaden,” Cas implores. “Because right now, you're proving Carnage right. You're proving everyone right. That Xaden Devlin is exactly the monster they think he is. I don’t want you to lose the only good thing you have, brother. You tried to fight against wanting her, you did everything you could but now, it’s time to stop fighting and face your fear. She isn’t going anywhere and nor is that baby. ”
We head to the SUV in silence. As Ken drives us toward the address Alex sent, I try not to think about Toren. About her lying in that hospital bed alone with Carnage watching over her. Or about her waking up and asking for me.
I try not to think about Carnage's words.
For about three seconds, she wanted me instead of you.
Try not to think about the fact that I'm proving everyone right.
That I'm choosing darkness over her. Violence over love.
Revenge over everything. Because that's who I am. And I don't know how to change.
I don't know if I even want to.
The only thing I know for certain is this, Fiona Williams is about to learn what happens when you threaten what's mine.
And if Toren hates me for it? If she wakes up and realizes I chose wrong?
Then I'll deal with that when I get back.
Because right now, all I can focus on is the rage.
The need to hurt. The monster inside me that demands blood.
Every. Last. Drop.