Chapter 6
CHAPTER 6
KENZIE
I look at my phone.
“Shoot, I have to run.”
“Dress cute. The hottie might stop by,” Bo teases.
“I wish!” I roll my eyes. “I should give up. A wiser person would have given up.” I don’t know why I get my hopes up just because Mikael has a cute face, but I do. His deep voice was pleasant, and his, well, I can listen to it for eternity. A man’s voice is important to me. Looking at him is heavenly. I hope I see him again.
“You're being a defeatist. I don't have a boyfriend. You're not alone, y’know?” She sinks her teeth into the last of her breakfast sandwich.
“That's the point. I want a partner to share my life. Not having one is unnatural to me. I see the benefit of flying through life with no commitments. I'm sure there are plenty of single men and women who have luxury cars and piles of cash. That’s not me. I have a job, you, Sherlock, and I’m ready for the man to step into my life for the next adventure. Am I asking for too much?”
“No,” she deadpans.
“Thank you.”
I have a bucket list. I think it’s fed by my fear of the unknown. Maybe I know more than most that life can be taken from me on any given day. I am in a hurry to accomplish my list of goals because of this. I love experiencing new things, and I’m always up for new experiences. I want to own a shop, and I want the man of my dreams. Kids would be great, but if I can’t have them, I’ll figure it out.
“But I am suggesting that you change the way you think about it. Maybe you need to make a list of the qualities you want in a man, and then, maybe he will find you. I mean , you've been focusing on dating, but maybe you need to be yourself and be happy, and then the magic will happen. Maybe a list of your requirements would help. You have to project what you want, y’know? Manifest it. Will it to happen.“
She has a point. I’ve willed myself to live when I was clinging to life and weighed eighty pounds, but I’m here. That accounts for something!
“I know what I want,” I reply defensively. “The man I’m looking for has to have a sense of humor, a job, and share the same values. Values are important to me. As far as manifesting it? Hm. I might need help with that. It’s difficult to think positively when I’m not feeling it.”
“Ah, that’s when you need to get the positive vibes going!” She finishes her coffee and cleans her plates.
Why don’t I attract the men I want to see me as irresistible? Is there something wrong with me? It’s been months since I went to the salon to have my hair trimmed. I’m not pretty, but I like to think I have a sense of style.
“I'm trying to help,” Bo states.
“I know,” I sigh. I think she'll find her man first. She works in a professional setting filled with successful men. She’s so put together. She hides behind a tough exterior, and men find it appealing. It’s like she is a clover, and the men are bees. I wear my heart on my sleeve like a dolt. I mean, I even cried in front of Mikael.
I cringe. He’ll think I’m an emotional wreck. Maybe that’s why he didn’t want to see me again.
Do I sabotage myself? Am I afraid to let a man in? Am I afraid of being hurt?
I mean, who isn’t? It’s only natural that we want to avoid being hurt.
I’m independent, and I live as if I don't need anyone because I’m not used to relying on others. I didn’t grow up with a supportive family. No one cared I was in the hospital alone. My brothers’ lives went on. Maybe it was easier without me in it. The loneliness I felt as a child plagues me in adulthood. When will I feel loved? I'm lonely even though I have Bo and Sherlock. There's a part of me that is incomplete without intimacy.
I want to be loved. I want to know what it feels like to be love-bombed. I want my toes to curl with one kiss.
Is that asking too much?
I don't think so.
I feel like there is a black cloud over me. When will my life fall into place? How many years will I have to search to find love?
Bo might be right. I could table the romance. Maybe I should focus on the shop.
God knows my vibrator could use a vacation.
“By the way, Gabriel and I talked, and he wants me to buy his shop.” Isn't it enough that I feel like a coward for not jumping at the opportunity? I want to go for it, but I’m scared. My life would be over if I took out a huge loan and failed. It would be easier if I had someone to help me. But, with my track record, I have to be prepared to be single indefinitely.
“That’s fantastic. You need to go for it!” she says.
I look at my watch, and I’ve got to leave for work. I quickly dress, throw my hair up in a makeshift bun, and kiss Sherlock goodbye.
What if Cupid is in love with me? And Mikael is the perfect man for me?
Naw.
Life doesn't work like that. Not for me.
That will never happen.
Unless it does...
I contemplate the morning as I stroll into work. Sylvie arrived first. I greet her and find Gabriel in the office.
“Hello, Kenzie. Did you read the contract?”
“I'm working through it. It's a huge decision.”
“I wouldn't sell the shop to just anyone. I want someone who loves it. You're that someone.”
“Thank you for your support. I’d love to have it.”
“You have two weeks. Then, I'll have to look for someone else. I want to retire to Florida to spend time with my grandkids.”
“I understand. Thank you, Gabriel.” I'm at a crossroads in my life, but I know his offer is good.
Do I pick up the torch and storm into the unknown? Or do I sit safely on the sidelines?
They both have curb appeal.
I'm afraid to risk the security I have for the unknown.
I think it’s natural to feel this way.
I’ve worked long days to be where I am, and I’m not sure I’m ready for the next step.
But the shop is worthy of consideration.
There may be a tradeoff. Is anyone lucky in love and in their career? I contemplate this briefly and decide that I'd be a lucky woman if I were lucky enough to obtain both my career and a family. Those are the types of normal life problems I can handle. I trust I’ll make a decision that is right for me when the time comes. If it comes, that is. God, I hope it’s not my fate to be single forever! I’ve longed for a boyfriend since I was thirteen. Every time a classmate kissed the football player in the hallway in high school, a part of me died inside.
Why didn’t anyone pick me?
I move to my workspace and make a batch of croissants. They are my weakness. We sell tons of them. Gabriel is of French descent, and the recipe is his great-grandmother's. I slip them into the oven before I start the mini red velvet cupcakes.
The shop is decorated with greenery to resemble Paris, creating an ambiance that complements the small round tables and the aroma of coffee lattes.
We also sell breakfast and lunch sandwiches and special dessert orders for every occasion.
“You know, you have enough time to have your grand opening on Valentine's Day,” Gabriel mentions in passing.
“You have a point. However, I have so many orders that I don't know how I can add more to the list.”
“You're thinking about it. This is good,” he smiles.
The store opens and I push Mikael out of my mind. I'm sure he's forgotten me by now. However, I’ll be disappointed if he doesn't show. I shouldn’t get t my hopes up. Perhaps I’m a masochist at heart.
I know I should give up any delusions of us dating, but I’m not a quitter. Grandma says I have to kiss a lot of toads to find the right man, and she wasn’t wrong.
No matter how busy my day gets, he’s never far from my mind. I can't forget his pine scent and his cerulean blue eyes — to die for. I let my mind drift to his broad shoulders and daydream of running my hand up his tight abs.
Stop it, Kenzie! He’s not into you!
He's probably married. Aren't all the great men taken?
Ugh. There I go with the negative thoughts.
Damn. I’m better off focusing on how I can buy the store. I don’t know how to change that, but I can continue to pursue the dream of owning a shop.
The morning flies by with regular customers. I'm restocking the bakery case when I feel eyes on me.
I glance to the counter, where he stands, dressed in jeans and a fitted pullover.
My God, I hope he's not taken. He is a vision I want to see daily.
“Hello,” I say, breaking the ice. I meet his gorgeous blue eyes, and I’m wet. His scent wafts in my direction. Why does he have to smell so yummy?
“Kenzie, right?” The corners of his mouth curl up.
“Yes.”
“I'm sorry I was curt yesterday. It was nice meeting you and your dog is great.”
“Thanks. He liked you!”
“Coffee?” he asks giving me me a megawatt smile and his eyes sparkle. I want to feel his lips on mine. I want him to kiss me.
Oh, Kenzie, snap out of it, girl!
“Yes! What do you like? Latte, espresso? Or do you want to try one of my concoctions?”
“I'll go out on a limb and take whatever you serve me.” His deep voice and cologne have my senses piqued. I’m crashing badly. His arms are chiseled, and his broad chest? Well, let’s just say that my ovaries drop.
I nod. My God, he's smooth. His blond hair looks like the sun has kissed it with highlights.
Do men pay to have highlights put in?
Focus, Kenzie. I swallow the lump of desire in my throat. “Kona coffee with blueberry creamer. Is that okay?”
“Sure. I'm a sucker for flavor. I think I have to try those mini cupcakes you just put out.”
“Oh, they are the bomb! I make them myself.”
“So, you're a pastry chef?”
“Yes, I am. For here or to go?”
“To go. I thought I'd swing by and redeem myself.”
“Consider yourself redeemed. Thanks for rescuing my dog. I have to admit I never knew he would like the ice. You were playing hockey by yourself?”
I move about making him a to-go coffee and putting three mini cupcakes in a box.
“Yes. It gives me time to think. It's quiet, and I can just be. You know?”
“I get that.” It’s me when I bake in the quiet hours before anyone else arrives.
“You do?”
“Sure. I love to bake when no one is around. It keeps me grounded. I even made Sherlock peanut butter cookies this morning.”
“I bet those are good,” he says. “You must get here early. Don't you sleep?“
“When it happens, it happens,” I smile weakly. I hand him his coffee and cupcake box.
Gee. Does he have to be so thoughtful?
Mikael reaches for his pocket.
“No, they are on me. I insist.”
“Fine. Thank you. See you around?”
“You know where to find me.”
“Great. See ya later,” I say as he winks at me.
My jaw drops.
Did he wink at me?
It’s a crime he’s so fucking sexy! But I’m willing to break the law to find out what a night with him would be like. Would one night be enough?
Probably not!
He finesses me like I’m his puck, for Christ’s sake. Watching him on the ice with his stick and puck was like watching a movie star with hockey talent. How he makes skating backward look so easy. I reflect on him and Sherlock on the pond and how effortless they looked together.
Mikael turns to leave, and his cologne washes over me. It must be expensive. I’ve never smelled it in the testers at the mall. However, I’m a sucker for men wearing cologne.
“Who was that hottie?” Sylvie asks.
“Someone I met yesterday. Sherlock got lost, and he found him.”
“He's mighty fine. Is he single?”
“I have no clue.”
“He's someone I’d want to get to know better, is all I'm saying,” Sylvie says as we both eye the man's firm buttocks as he walks to the door. I love a well-toned butt, too. Mikael until he reaches the door. “Damn, he's fine. Is he a model or something?” she asks.
“I have no clue.”
I wish he had asked me out. Why didn’t he stay to chat?
He has an aura of success about him. He's well-dressed, and he's in control of himself. I doubt a man like him would want to date me.
“He looks familiar,” Sylvie states.
I was on a high when he walked into the shop. Now, I'm crashing. I never feel like I fit in. I'm not enough for him. Dread overwhelms me. It appears I'm never going to find my prince charming.
He didn’t even ask for my number. I doubt he’s into me.
Panic grips me like a boa constrictor.
I walk to the bathroom, enter a stall, and take deep breaths.
“This will pass,” I repeatedly murmur. I practice box breathing.
After a few minutes, the panic abates. I wash my face and return to work.
I text Bo to see how her day is going. She texts she's fine.
I miss Sherlock. I check the camera in the house and find him sleeping on the rug under the table.
I keep busy in the kitchen and suppress thoughts of Mr. Wonderful.
I'll probably never see him again.
It was a pick-me-up to meet someone. That was encouraging. Maybe there are a few great men out there. But why he was in hockey gear at the pond? Does he play in a rec league?
Who is Mikael? I’m frustrated because there’s no way for me to look him up. I wouldn’t pursue him anyway. The man must make the first move. It’s one of my rules. Then I console myself with the fact that he knows where to find me if he chooses.
I'm tired when I arrive home at two-thirty. I spent the entire day floating on a cloud because Mikael came by to see me. But the crash after the thrill exhausts me, especially after a sleepless night.
I greet Sherlock when I get home.
I shower and change into comfortable loungewear. The papers on my nightstand mock me.
“Fine,” I moan. I read over the contract to buy the shop. Gabriel has given me a deadline.
I need to take him up on the offer. The shop is an established business. I suppose I could apply for a loan. how difficult can it be?
I wish I had someone who knew more about businesses. It would be great to have a savvy financier or mentor look this over for me. But I don't have connections, so I'm alone once again. I hope one day I will find a supportive partner who isn’t my roommate.
Bo will read the legalese for me. She's an ace at contract law. The deal seems generous, but it's a significant step. I’m outside of my comfort zone, and I'm numb with fear.
What if the shop doesn't make it?
I'd lose the shop and my apartment and be in debt forever.
The fear of not living my dream gnaws at me. Will I ever break out of my routine? What happens if I try something new?
What if I fail?
On the other hand, what if I don’t?