Chapter 13 #2
Henri sighed, took another bite of curry, and washed it down with beer.
“I’ll be honest, I didn’t know for sure, but I had a feeling.
Do you remember when I first visited the Minutemen, when I was still in college?
You and Drew Moreau took me out for a meal.
Lunch, or dinner, or something. I don’t remember.
But the media had made this whole big deal about how the two of you were rivals and didn’t get along when you played together, but I saw something very different when I hung out with the two of you.
You were very comfortable with each other, and it almost seemed like you were flirting.
I had my suspicions, and when Moreau came out the next year, I remembered that visit, and I remembered how the two of you interacted.
Like I said, I didn’t know for sure, and I told myself I would never pressure you into telling me, but I always hoped that I would be a safe space for you, so that you could tell me, if you wanted to. ”
Quentin felt like shit. The last thing he wanted was for Henri to think that Quentin didn’t trust him.
“I trust you,” Quentin said, “and you have always been a safe person for me. You’re my best friend, dude.
I just…this shit scares me. No one knows.
I’ve never even said the words out loud that I might not be straight, except, sort of, a year ago, when I asked Drew if he might want to try again.
But by then, he was dating someone else, and they were happy.
I just thought I could ignore it, and it would go away, or that I would live my professional life as an athlete, retire, and come out quietly. I didn’t expect…” He trailed off.
“That you’d meet Joel?” Henri whispered.
Tears stung Quentin’s eyelids. “Is it that obvious?”
“What part? The longing looks you gave him, the way you were always texting him, or the depressive episode you’ve sunk into since you haven’t seen him the last two weeks?”
Again, Quentin glared at Henri.
“Sorry,” Henri said. “I don’t think I’m helping.
” He put his food aside and joined Quentin on the couch.
“Before we talk about Joel, if you even want to talk about him, and you don’t have to, let me say this.
Thank you for telling me. I recognize how hard that is, and I appreciate the trust that shows me.
I love you, Quentin. You are my best friend.
I admire you and respect you, and I have always been honored to call you a friend.
You are a good man. Sometimes, being closeted can make us feel like we’re shitty people, like we’re lying to others.
It’s not your fault for hiding a part of yourself.
It’s this whole messed-up world that makes it so that we cannot be honest with who we are.
You are doing a very brave thing by being honest about your identity, and I will support you in this bravery in any way that I can.
” He gripped Quentin’s hand. “I love you. Okay?”
There were tears on Quentin’s cheeks. He didn’t know how badly he’d needed to hear those words, all of them. “I love you, too,” he said. He sniffed loudly and wiped his nose. “God, this is hard. I feel like an ass.”
“You’re not an ass. Do you want to talk about Joel?”
“I don’t know what there is to say.”
“Probably a lot.”
Quentin laughed, and the laugh caught on a small sob.
“Yeah, probably.” He rubbed his face, trying to wipe away some of the tears.
“I really did think he was insufferable when we met, but I think part of it was attraction. I was attracted to him, and that scared me, and caused me to be irritated by him. And then we were forced together by this PR friendship, and I saw a different side of him, and whatever that attraction was, it grew. I couldn’t ignore it, and then…
In Tampa, after you told me he’d run out of the club, I chased him, and I found him in an alley, and then he kissed me. ”
“Oh, fuck.”
“Yeah. It was a good kiss, too.”
“Was there tongue?”
“Jesus Christ, Henri.”
“What? These are important details. I’m trying to paint a mental picture.”
“I don’t want you painting a mental picture of my tongue in Joel Beckett’s mouth.”
“Too late. I have a very vivid imagination.”
“Good god. Anyway, it was an amazing kiss, and I felt things I’d never felt, and I swear he liked it, too. I mean, he kissed me first. But then, well, he freaked out, and he ran away, and I haven’t heard from him since.”
“Ah, that sucks. So Joel kissed you?”
“Yes.”
“Fuck. So he definitely likes you.”
Quentin raised his eyebrows. “That feels like a leap.”
“C’mon, Quentin. Who wouldn’t like you?” Henri began to tick off his fingers while he spoke. “You’re hot, you’re talented, you’re funny, you’re surprisingly smart, you’ve got a great body, you apparently can sing, you have a heart of gold, you’re a good leader—”
“Sheesh, you’re going to make Cort jealous.”
“What I’m saying is, I haven’t spent a lot of time around you and Joel. But I was backstage at the concert, and I saw how Joel looked at you when you were singing, and when he sang with you. Hell, millions of people saw it. Did you not see the ‘bromance’ headlines?”
“I saw them.” After the concert, tabloids had been calling his friendship with Joel the latest, hottest bromance. Some had speculated that it was even a romance, but that happened almost any time two male celebrities interacted in any capacity.
“I saw how he looked at you,” Henri continued, “and I recognized that look. That’s the way I looked at Cort before we were together. It’s the way anyone looks at anyone when they like that person.”
Quentin groaned. This was all so hard. “What do I do?” he asked.
“About what? Coming out? About Joel?”
“About Joel. Coming out…I think I need to save that for later. I don’t even know how I identify.
I know I liked having sex with Drew, and I’ve enjoyed having sex with other men before, but it was never the same.
I wasn’t even particularly romantically interested in Drew, and have never really been romantically interested in anyone else. ”
“Are you romantically interested in Joel?”
“I don’t know.”
“Are you sexually interested in Joel?”
Quentin huffed a laugh. “Yeah.”
“Is it something you can get past, and would you consider going after other guys, or exploring your sexuality a different way?”
Quentin was quiet for a moment, thinking. “What do you mean?”
Henri chewed his lip. “Cort wasn’t out when we first got together, and that was hard for him.
And, I think it put a lot of pressure on our relationship at the start, even if we didn’t realize it at the time.
It’s a lot to navigate as a couple when one of you isn’t out.
If you want to figure out your sexuality, or label it, you don’t want to dump your baggage on Joel without at least acknowledging it’s there, and that you have the intention of addressing it.
Being with him won’t give you an identity, and it won’t automatically help you process how you identify.
You also don’t want to come out for someone else.
You should want to come out for yourself, if you even want to come out. ”
“I hear you. I think…I think, right now, I need to be honest with Joel about what I want. I think it was fear keeping me from him, and maybe it was fear keeping him from me.”
“Are you no longer afraid?”
“No, I’m still afraid, but the fear matters less to me, now.”
Henri nodded approvingly. “Then, I think we need to make a plan for you to see him again, so that you can tell him how you feel.”