Chapter 18 #3
It was almost midnight, and Quentin knew that he should be asleep, but he couldn’t sleep.
He sat awake in his bed, staring at the ceiling.
His thoughts wouldn’t turn off. He hadn’t heard from Joel since the game, and his thoughts threatened to spiral anxiously.
He’d texted Joel a picture from Henri and Cort’s engagement, and heard nothing.
He hoped that Joel was okay, or that Joel wasn’t mad at him.
When Quentin was anxious, he tended to slip into patterns of self-blame.
He knew they weren’t healthy patterns, and he knew that he should use his mental tools to interrupt those patterns, but when he was alone and in the dark and feeling lonely, it was hard not to listen to his anxiety.
He sat bolt upright in bed when he heard the electronic lock on his hotel room door click. The door swung open.
“Hello?” Quentin snapped.
“Oh! You’re awake.”
Quentin’s pulse immediately slowed, and he held a hand to his chest. “Jesus Christ, Joel, you almost gave me a heart attack.”
Joel stepped into the hotel room and shut the door behind him. He wore comfortable clothes for an airplane, and carried a small traveling bag. He was smiling broadly.
“I didn’t mean to scare you,” he said. “I was supposed to get here earlier, but I was delayed in Utah. Tour stuff. I know you’re leaving in the morning, but I missed you.”
Quentin climbed out of bed and crossed the room hurriedly to Joel. He kissed Joel, and Joel wrapped his arms around Quentin.
“I missed you, too,” Quentin whispered, holding Joel tightly.
Joel pulled away slightly and looked carefully at him. “Are you okay? Are you crying?”
Quentin wiped his face. “It’s been a long couple of days,” he admitted. He kissed Joel again. “Henri and Cort got engaged tonight.”
“Holy shit! Congratulations to them.”
“And I talked to Drew yesterday.” He’d told Joel the whole story about Drew, and Joel clearly recognized the name.
“How was that? What encouraged you to talk to him?”
Quentin led Joel to the bed. His body tingled with nerves, but he knew he needed to have this conversation now, while his exhaustion made him brave—or reckless.
“I wanted his advice,” he said quietly. “About coming out.”
Joel nodded carefully. “Okay. Is that something you want to do?”
Quentin bit his lip. “Yes,” he said after a moment. “I think it is. No, I know it is. I’m tired of hiding, and I want to be honest about myself.”
Joel squeezed his hand. “I admire that. I really do.” He hesitated. “What does this mean for us?”
Quentin shook his head. “I don’t know. I don’t have a timeline of when I want to come out, but I want it to be soon.
Like I said, I’m tired of hiding the truth.
And the world of hockey is changing. I feel safer coming out now than I did even two years ago.
I’ve figured out a lot of my own identity, and I’m ready to be honest about it with the world. ”
He knew the risk he was taking by putting this out there to Joel.
He recognized the similarities and the parallels between now and the situation he and Drew had been in two years ago.
Drew had wanted to come out and be honest, and it had scared Quentin away.
He could only hope that it wouldn’t do the same thing to Joel.
“That’s a big decision,” Joel said. “And I’m proud of you for being ready to make it.”
Quentin’s stomach twisted. “I’m sensing there’s more.”
“There might be,” Joel said. He didn’t look at Quentin. “Our situations aren’t exactly the same.”
“I know,” Quentin whispered. He was beginning to feel sick with nerves.
“The music industry…my brand…they’re very specific,” Joel said quietly.
“I can’t just ‘come out’ if I feel like it, because my entire career has been built on a specific image, with a specific audience and fanbase.
I can make decisions about my private life, but I can’t always make decisions about my public life on my own.
I don’t agree with that, but it’s the fact of my life.
I don’t always have the autonomy I want to have, and that makes things difficult. Like coming out.”
Quentin nodded. He was doing his best to stay calm and not jump to conclusions. “What does that mean for us?” he asked, parroting Joel’s earlier question.
Joel took a deep breath. “I also don’t know.” He looked up, meeting Quentin’s gaze. “It’s a lot to think about.”
Quentin gently stroked his thumb over the back of Joel’s hand.
“I want to be honest with you about something, Joel. I like you. I don’t just mean that I like having sex with you.
I mean, I like that, of course. But I like you.
I like spending time with you, and I like talking to you.
I know we said that when we started this, there’d be no strings attached, and that we had no expectations of it becoming anything beyond sex, but I think it has, for me.
I know that goes beyond what we agreed to, and I don’t expect you to feel the same, or to want the same thing. ”
“What do you want?” Joel asked softly.
Quentin forced himself to be brave. “To be with you. In—in whatever way I can.”
There were tears in Joel’s eyes. “Quentin,” he murmured.
Quentin felt his hands start to shake. He released Joel’s hand and laced his fingers together to stop them from trembling visibly. He didn’t like the tone that had crept into Joel’s voice.
“I can’t ask you to be in a secret relationship with me,” Joel said.
“You’re not asking me to do that,” Quentin said. “I’m offering, if that is something you want. Would you want that?”
Joel gave a humorless laugh. “I rarely get the luxury of thinking about what I want. So much of my life is controlled by my brand, and my image, and what the record label wants me to be.”
“Forget all of that,” Quentin insisted.
“I can’t,” Joel said pleadingly. “You have to understand, I can’t just forget about that. It’s my reality, and trying to imagine other hypothetical realities will just hurt me—and you.”
Quentin looked away. “I understand.”
Joel grabbed Quentin’s hands again. “Look, if things were different, then yes, I would want to be with you. I like you, too, Quentin.” He laughed softly.
“More than I’ve liked anyone in a long time, maybe ever.
But I just don’t think I can have that sort of relationship.
I’ve never thought that I could, and I don’t think that that’s changed, just because I have feelings for someone. ”
Quentin felt like he’d been slapped. “I understand,” he whispered.
“Don’t think it’s about you,” Joel said. He sounded miserable. “It’s not. I wish that things were different, but they’re not. It’s the way my world works.”
“Can’t we hope for a better world?” Quentin whispered. “Can’t we do things to make the world a better and kinder place?”
Joel had nothing to say to that.
“I think maybe you should go,” Quentin said softly. The words almost surprised him. He felt numb and confused. He had been surprised and happy to see Joel, and the conversation had taken a painful turn he hadn’t expected.
“Quentin…”
“Please. I think I just need some space.” He took a deep breath.
Joel nodded. “Okay. I respect that. I’d like to continue this conversation, though, if you are open to it. It’s late right now, and this surprised me, I admit. I think there might be more for us both to say.”
Quentin could’ve responded with an attitude, he could’ve insisted there was nothing more they had to say to each other, but that wouldn’t have been true.
The truth was, he cared deeply about Joel, and Joel cared about him.
They were in a difficult place where what they wanted, and what they thought they could have, didn’t align.
But what Quentin had said was true: he had feelings for Joel, and that was enough for him to agree to Joel’s request.
“I think that’s a good idea,” he said. “I’d still like it if you left, though. I need space.”
“I understand. I have to fly back to Los Angeles for a few days for Ariadne’s lawsuit, and then we can coordinate the next time we’ll see each other. Does that sound good?”
Quentin nodded. He took another deep, steadying breath. “I’ll walk out with you,” he offered. “I don’t want us to say goodbye like this.”
“It isn’t goodbye,” Joel said with a sad smile. “Whatever happens, this isn’t goodbye.”
Quentin dressed quickly, pulling a baseball cap low over his face. It was late, and he doubted there would be anyone out and about who would recognize him, but he didn’t want to risk running into anyone who could identify him and Joel together.
They took a service elevator together to the ground floor, and went to one of the hotel’s back doors.
“Thank you for thinking to surprise me,” Quentin said. “I’m sorry that it didn’t go how you’d planned.”
“It’s okay,” Joel said. He kissed Quentin softly on the cheek. “I’ll see you later, Quentin.”
Quentin squeezed his hand one last time and watched as Joel slipped out the back door of the hotel. “Goodbye, Joel,” he whispered to the shut door. “I love you.”
He stood there for a long moment, regaining some of his composure, and then returned to his hotel room. It was several hours before he could fall asleep.