Chapter Twenty-Four Suffocating
SUTTON
By the time I get back to Jayce’s apartment, I’m exhausted.
The adrenaline from the day has worn off.
My phone’s been blowing up since my video went viral earlier.
Mostly reporters trying to get a statement, which I’ve ignored.
I also got a few messages from Leon, being a dick, unsurprisingly.
He hasn’t texted me in weeks, and I’d thought he’d gotten the picture. I was wrong.
Leon: Regretting ignoring me now, sweetheart?
Leon: Your golden boy is a fucking pervert. Apparently you are, too.
Leon: You might think you’ve saved face, but everyone knows how fucked up you both are now.
Leon: Don’t worry. I still want you, even if nobody else does
I’ve now blocked his number, not needing his bullshit hovering over me along with everything else.
Thankfully, I also got a text from Jayce telling me how grateful he is.
When I received his message saying to meet him at home, I felt a strange little rush of excitement and left the girls at Stacey’s, thanking them all profusely for their help.
I haven’t heard from Mom or Dad yet, though. That part… yikes. I’m trying hard not to panic about that, focusing on the positive feedback I’ve been receiving so far instead. I just need to hang onto that, and once I’m with Jayce, I’ll be able to keep it under control entirely.
“Jayce?” I call out as I step through the front door of the penthouse. “You here?”
When there’s no answer, I make my way to my bedroom to change and decompress a little bit before he gets home.
I’m not going to lie, having a few moments of quiet is kind of nice.
Even though I’m eager for him to get home so we can talk through everything and clear up any questions that might be lingering about this incident, I’m glad to have some time by myself.
Keeping all the lights off except for a lamp next to my bed, I sit down with my back against the pillows and lean my head back to rest on the headboard.
Sucking in a deep breath, I slowly let it back out and just sit in the silence for several long moments.
My quiet time is short-lived. My phone starts buzzing, snapping me out of my mini-meditation. I grab it out of my pocket. Aunt Delilah. I hesitate a moment, and then answer the call.
“Hi, Delilah,” I say, nervous about what she’s going to say. I’m afraid she’ll tell me she’s disappointed in me or Jayce or the situation in general.
“Sutton!” she exclaims immediately. “Oh, my brilliant girl. I saw your video, and you were fantastic. Simply fantastic!”
“Thank you,” I reply. “I was just doing what needed to be done, though. That’s all.”
She lets out a laugh. “It was more than that, sweetheart. You flipped the internet!”
I chuckle. “I think you mean broke the internet.”
“I said what I said. You completely turned public opinion on Jayce around with a few words, and it was flawless. You should be very proud of yourself.”
Her words cause a little flutter in my chest and I can’t help but beam. I am proud of myself, and I’m so lucky that my friends were there with me. We jumped into action like a well-oiled machine. It felt so natural laying out a solution and directing a skilled team to execute the vision.
“Thanks,” I say, snapping myself out of my thoughts. “Really couldn’t have done it without my friends.”
“It’s important to surround yourself with good people, and it sounds like you’ve done just that.”
I grin up at the ceiling and nod. “Yeah, I have.”
“Well, I’m glad.” I can hear Delilah’s smile in her voice.
“I’ve got to go now, sweetheart, but I just wanted to tell you that you did an amazing job.
I’m so proud of you for being so honest and putting yourself out there to save Jayce.
Definitely risky, putting your private business out there, but it seems to have been worth it based on the public sentiment. ”
“Thank you, Delilah.”
“Goodbye, my dear. We’ll talk again soon. Love you.”
“All right, love you too,” I reply before hanging up the phone. For a moment, I just lay on my bed, basking in the feeling of accomplishment and pride wrapping around me. I can’t imagine feeling better at this moment.
My phone buzzes again. I absentmindedly pick up to check, assuming it’s another interview request I’ll just ignore, but the breath leaves my lungs in a rush when I see that it’s a message from my dad.
I bolt up into a sitting position and open his text, my heart racing. Oh, God, I still haven’t heard from either of my parents yet and the anxiety I’ve been doing my best to hold at bay rushes to the surface. My hand is shaking slightly as I read the text.
Dad: I saw the statement you made.
There’s a pause. My heart is pounding. Then I see he’s typing another text.
Dad: That’s CEO material. Proud of you, Sut.
Oh, thank God.
Thank God.
Short, sweet, but more meaningful than he could possibly know. For once, he’s giving me clear validation instead of doubt. He’s thinking of me as a CEO, maybe for the first time.
I feel lighter. Like I can breathe after suffocating for so long.
My lips curl into a wide smile as I stand up and go into my large, walk-in closet.
I dig out a pair of sweatpants from one of the drawers in the closet and pull a t-shirt from a hangar.
As I start removing the sweater I’m wearing, my phone starts buzzing again.
I’m still so happy from my dad’s text, I’m not even annoyed by yet another interruption.
When I see my mom’s name flashing on the screen, though, trepidation shimmies up my spine.
Gulping, I answer her call.
“Hey, Mom.”
“Sutton!” she exclaims. “I’m so incredibly proud of you!”
Her voice is thick with tears, shocking me nearly as much as her words.
“Wow…” I murmur, emotion overwhelming me. “Um, thanks, Mom. I really appreciate that.”
“Your video was so impressive,” she continues, gushing with pride. “You sounded so strong and sure of yourself. It was so amazing to watch. It made me think…” Her voice breaks on a sob.
“Think what?” I gently prod when she doesn’t continue.
She takes a deep, shuddering breath. “It made me think that maybe Colorado isn’t so cursed after all. That maybe faith has a funny way of bringing life full circle, and that’s exactly where you’re meant to be. That’s where you’re supposed to get married and live your life.”
Something heavy and dark twists in my belly and my heart starts to race.
“Mom, I don’t know…”
“Colson is watching over you there,” she says softly. “Imagine, darling. A wedding in Aspen. It would be perfect.”
At the mention of Aspen, something inside me shatters. Any feelings of happiness or pride vanish in an instant replaced by a flood of guilt. Colson…it’s my fault he’s not here. I’m the reason he’s dead. The reason he was out that night in the cold when he was already so weak and sickly…
I took him from Mom and Dad, and now I’m lying about this engagement.
I’m a terrible person. How can I keep doing this? If she ever found out, she’d be devastated. What the fuck is wrong with me?
Swallowing, I force my voice to remain steady as I reply, “It’d be beautiful.”
“We’ll have to start looking at venues soon.” She laughs through her tears. “You know how hard it can be to book anything there.”
“Yeah…uh, sure thing. We can definitely do that.”
Except we can’t, because it’s not real and the wedding is never going to happen. I’m going to rip something else away from her.
“I don’t want to keep you. I’m sure you and Jayce have a lot you’re dealing with.” She almost sounds giddy saying his name. “But we’ll talk again soon, okay?”
“Absolutely.” She’s going to hate me. “Love you, Mom.”
“Love you too, darling. Good bye!”
“Bye.”
The call ends. I stand frozen in place for several moments, staring at my phone, almost numb with the shock of everything.
Then, in an instant, the numbness vanishes and I feel everything all at once.
Guilt, fear, anxiety. Panic. It slams into me, so hard and fast that my knees give out and I drop to the floor.
My chest feels like it’s caving in and I can’t breathe.
My vision blurs and spins as I begin to hyperventilate.
It’s too much. I can’t fight it. Can’t stop. I don’t deserve to. I deserve to suffer like this. I’m a liar. I ruin everything I touch, and when Mom and Dad find out that the engagement isn’t real, they’re going to hate me.
And they should.
I’m doing this for a reason, though. I can’t forget that. This engagement is giving me time to land the Romero contract so I can prove that I’m capable of running the company on my own. That I don’t need a husband to do things for me, or hold my hand while I do my job.
Once I land the contract, everything will be fine.
Except…I’m supposed to stand in front of Jackson Romero and his entire board. I’m supposed to convince them that I deserve that contract. If I fuck it up…this will all have been for nothing!
Another wave of panic slams into me.
My hands start shaking. What if I freeze? What if I start hyperventilating in front of all of them and they watch me fall apart the way I am right now?
All those people. All those disappointed eyes looking at me.
My stomach churns violently.
They’ll know. They’ll see right through me and see I’m not capable of running anything.
That I’m weak.
A fraud.
Tears stream down my face as I pant, desperate to get air. I’m drowning. Curling up into a ball, I gasp and sob as my body shudders. This is more than I can handle. The room is closing in on me. Suffocating me. I know, deep down, that I’m not going to be able to pull myself out of this one.