Chapter Ten
TOREN
To teach is to learn. To learn is to excel. To excel is to thrive. To thrive is to live.
I fucking hate how that stupid phrase still gives me comfort. Without the pendant I’ve had no choice but to latch onto it and use it to keep me grounded.
I pull the door open and step inside the dark rink.
I don’t bother looking for a light switch as I can see far enough in front of me to not trip or crash into something.
I continue forward and come to a stop at the edge of the ice.
I look out over it and find myself smiling.
This place used to bring me a sense of peace when I would come and watch my brother, Kellan and Cas play.
Kenna and I would paint our faces and cheer so loud in the hope they would be able to hear us in the stands.
Pain lances my chest at the thought of my best friend. I would give anything to have her here, she would know exactly what to do and how to help me navigate my way through this new path and help me master this new version of myself.
I don’t think as I take a step onto the ice and glide my feet along the sleek ice slowly so I don’t fall and make my way into the center. The moonlight offers a glow over the rink and it’s beautiful. I know I should be trying to find a place to hide and avoid Xaden, but what’s the point?
He’s proven tonight it doesn’t matter how protected I am or where I am, he’ll always get to me.
I know he brought me here to kill me, I saw it in his eyes.
Xaden isn’t capable of love or compassion.
I preached a big game about wanting to rule and be the boss but the truth is, there is no guarantee I would win this war even with the Denver Kings at my side, but only in madness do you find a beautiful death.
I would rather die by his hands than give my brother or father the satisfaction of taking me out.
If I am to die, then so be it. But I want my death to mean something and it will because Xaden will use my demise as a way to get the Kellar Cartel to make the first move. They will be too consumed by their anger to think straight. He may be the devil in the flesh but he’s smart and calculating.
I wanted to remain two steps ahead of all of them but I’m new to this game and it’s apparent that Xaden knew I would be there tonight. He was lying in wait for me to make my grand appearance just so he could prove I am nothing without him.
If he hadn’t shown up, I don’t believe Halo, Pope and Vatican would have let Carnage save me from Darren and the others.
When I hear skates scrape against the ice I don’t turn, there isn’t a need.
I felt him the moment he entered, the hairs on the back of my neck were standing on end.
It feels like there is a rope attached to my chest and it constantly pulls me in his direction without consent.
I’m a damn moth and he is the fucking flame that will burn me alive.
I stand still as Xaden begins skating around me in a circle.
He has his black hoodie on with the hood up covering his black hair.
When he passes by me again, his gray eyes are tinted with rage.
Beneath the anger I see the hatred he feels for me, it rolls off him in waves.
The stab of pain I feel in my chest is nothing compared to how I would feel if he found out the truth.
It’s safer for me to leave this world with him never knowing, he terrifies me and I’m not ashamed to admit that. If there was a choice to face a war against my father and brother or him, I would go to war against my family.
He skids to an abrupt stop in front of me, spraying ice over my bare legs.
I look at him and note how shadows cling to him like he’s their master.
He wields them with a swagger only he could pull off.
He’s never hidden that he’s a monster, he knows it and never tries to change or be something he isn’t to fit in.
He’s an enigma men wish they could be but will never attain.
His gaze bores into mine with an intensity that has my breath hitching and my spine stiffening.
He skates forward until there is only a sliver of space between our bodies, heat emits off him, blanketing me in a warm embrace almost like a cocoon.
I tip my head back to hold his gaze, inhaling sharply when our eyes clash.
His mere presence commands attention. He’s the god of darkness and the prized heir of the devil himself.
Everyone from Somerset views him as vermin, cruel and cold.
He oozes fuck off vibes but it’s just him.
He’s built differently than every guy I know.
He doesn’t ask permission, he takes what he wants and that’s what adds to the allure of Xaden Devlin.
He is the worst of them all because I never saw the silent killer sneaking up on me until it was too late.
“What happens to fairies when people stop believing in them, Tink?” he asks in a quiet husky tone. I shiver and force myself not to cower under the weight of his words and what they mean for me.
I dart my tongue out to moisten my lips and don’t miss the way his eyes track the move. “They die,” I rasp out.
A low growl comes from deep in his chest. I try to keep the fear from splaying across my face.
“You know what that means for you, Tink?” His calm tone and the way he is looking at me like a predator ready to close in on its kill has me fighting back tears and the urge to give into my fight or flight instincts.
At least this way, I can die knowing I tried.
I didn’t just roll over and let them fuck me. I fought back until the end.
I nod and smile sadly up at him. “Yeah,” I breathe out, then reach out and grip the front of his hoodie. His upper lip lifts in a snarl but I ignore it. “Can I ask one favor before you end it?” I whisper.
His face blanks and he walls off all his emotions as he slips his mask into place.
“Why the fuck would I do anything for you?” The hatred that laces each of those words is like a sucker punch, I don’t know how he ever masked it well enough before.
Or maybe I was blind to it and just desperate to have someone close.
I was grasping at straws and didn’t even know it until I let him inside me.
“You wouldn’t, but I’m asking anyway.” I push.
His eyes crinkle at the corners as he studies me for a moment.
“Nothing you ask will change what I’m going to do to you.
I won’t take it easy or make it fast. I’ll drag it out and send pictures and videos to your family of you screaming and begging for mercy, and if I’m feeling generous, I may even send that cunt Meekan a piece of you.
” He reaches up and brushes his thumb along my lips, spiking my pulse and making my breath hitch at the feeling of his hands on me.
“But these, they will be my reward. I’ll hang them above my bed and look at them every day, knowing I won the war because they will never get over knowing I fucked their princess and tainted her, lulled her into a false hope of surviving, only to be the last thing she ever sees before she takes her last breath. ”
How he can make murder and dying sound so beautiful is a fucking mystery to me.
His words have the fear leaving me. It’s fucking sick that I’m not scared because he just vowed he would be the last thing I see.
His face shouldn’t be the last thing I want to see before I join Kenna and Em, but it is.
He was kissed by the devil and wrapped in darkness yet I find beauty in it.
“Will you let me see the necklace one last time?” My request has his brows smashing together and his face contorting.
He stands there stiff as a statue, staring down at me like I’m a complex Sudoku puzzle he can’t solve.
I remain silent and don’t avert my gaze from his.
This is the most brazen thing I have ever done with my life and I won’t cower in the face of death.
I will meet my end with my head held high.
I just wish I could have said goodbye to Carn.
I know me dying will affect him the most.
“Your last fucking wish is to see the damn necklace I gave my sister–the necklace you fucking stole?” His tone is edged with outrage and malice. If I was clever I would lie and take back my request, but I never claimed to be smart.
“I never meant to steal it. I just… borrowed it until I could return it to the intended owner.”
Those gray eyes drink me in. It’s then I realize why I’m finding comfort in him being the last thing I see. It’s the eyes. They are hers and if I fool myself hard enough, I’ll be able to picture Emery when my final moment comes.
I’m surprised when he reaches up and pushes his hand inside the neckline of his hoodie and pulls out the pendant. My mouth parts on a silent gasp at the sight of it.
The gold looks polished. Without thinking I reach up and clasp it in my hand.
A smile tugs at the corners of my lips at the feeling of it in my hand again.
The whorls of vines around the outside stand out now that it’s been cleaned, but it’s the single rose in the center that steals my focus.
I brush the pad of my thumb over it and smile.
That pendant brought me such comfort and kept me sane while I navigated my way through SU when I first arrived.
It helped me when I thought all hope was lost.
That necklace gave me a chance to live.
It helped me heal wounds I didn’t know I had.
I close my eyes and just hold it for a long while as I allow myself to relive the memories of my time at Walter House with Em. I know she wasn’t really there and the truth stings, but I refuse to allow the truth to tarnish the memories I have of her. She was my solace in my darkest days.
When I slowly blink my eyes open, I find Xaden staring down at me with a strange look but I don’t try to decipher it. I press two fingers to my lips then press them against the rose as my goodbye.
“Win your war, Xaden. Make them pay for what they took from not only you but for the life of my best friend who was innocent.” Tears cloud my eyes but I blink them back, refusing to allow them to fall.
“Find peace in the victory that awaits you.” I release my hold on him and drop my arms back to my sides and inhale a deep breath.
“To teach is to learn. To learn is to excel. To excel is to thrive. To thrive is to live.” I whisper the phrase aloud one last time.