14. Chapter 14
Chapter fourteen
Aspen
T he day of the funeral arrives, bright and sunny, birds chirping and going about their normal day. The sun shouldn’t be shining. It should be overcast. Dark. Gloomy. A reflection of what will happen that day. And a reflection of my heart.
Ryan spent the night with Hadley again, an apology in his eyes when he comes in for a shower and to get dressed. An apology that means nothing to me. He knows this hurts me. He feels bad that it hurts me. But he cares more about her than the fact that he’s hurting me.
Before he heads back upstairs, I ask if I should go. Going to the funeral of a man I’ve never met, whose daughter doesn’t like me, feels wrong. Like I’m intruding. Besides that, I don’t want to go. I’ve had enough of seeing them together. He hugs me and whispers to please go. For him. Putting aside my personal feelings for one day shouldn’t be too hard, right?
The voice in my head whispering that I’ve been putting my personal feelings aside for more than a day gets brutally shut down. To get through today, I have to ignore it. Tomorrow? That’s another day.
Hadley had booked some kind of car for the funeral—big, with tinted windows. Ryan is apologetic when he asks if I’d mind driving on my own. His parents and Rose are driving with them , so there isn’t space for me.
Funerals are an ending. A day for the living to say goodbye to the dead. Nothing that hurts so much should be beautiful. But the service is beautiful. Hadley is beautifully tragic when she gives a eulogy. And when she breaks down in his arms after, and Ryan—his face painted in anguish—comforts her, the connection between them is so strong they look like two halves of a whole.
It feels like I am attending my own funeral.
Despite it being beautiful, it would have been unbearable if my friends weren’t there. If not for them, I would have been on my own. Seeing Ryan and his parents seated with Hadley in the front row, while I am relegated to a seat a few rows behind them, is hard to swallow. Seeing the two of them sitting side by side, holding hands, is even harder.
Why did I listen when he said he wanted me there? Misplaced loyalty to Ryan, I guess. And once again, I’m hit over the head with just how misplaced it is. Hadley accepts my condolences with a flat look, while Ryan gives me a barely there smile.
Not once does he leave her side. Not during the service, and not after. Piper and Maya do their best to distract me while Hadley is accepting condolences, Ryan a firm presence against her side.
Besides that one smile, not once does he try to catch my eye, or check up on me. Not that I needed checking up on. This day isn’t about me, but some form of acknowledgment would have been nice. No matter how small.
Since the reception is being held at Ryan’s parents’ house, all I need to do is show up. Small mercies, I guess. Rose opts to ride back with me instead of her parents and them . The drive is silent, and I am thankful for her company. I’m sure she can feel the grief in the car. Grief that accompanies me home from the funeral.
Grief for the life I’ve lost.
Time can be both a blessing and a curse. Dad’s passing was so long ago that thankfully, the pain of losing him has dulled over the years. But Mom? Her passing is still an ache that I fear will never go away.
The somber atmosphere, the soft murmurs, the clinking of cups against saucers—it’s brought it all back, and it’s like I’m feeling it all over again. Seeing Ryan and Hadley doing the rounds and thanking guests is making it harder. At Mom’s funeral, I had to do that by myself. There was nobody I could cling to. No broad shoulders to offer me respite. I was alone. Meeting and falling in love with Ryan had made me feel less alone, like I had finally found my person. But today, I’m right back there. Alone.
Taking a shuddering breath, I excuse myself from my little group of friends clustered together and flee outside. I need some time alone. Time to process what’s been happening and try to pull myself together.
“Hey, you.”
Carter’s voice startles me from my brooding. My smile is half-hearted at best. I don’t want company. I want to be left alone so I can wallow in my misery while biding my time until I can leave. Leave to do what, I’m not sure.
He nudges my shoulder before leaning forward, bracing his arms on the patio railing.
“Renee was born with green fingers. Must be why she called Rose, Rose.”
I hum my agreement. Their yard is spectacular, and you can see Renee’s love and dedication in every detail. From the little paths winding around perfectly manicured bushes to strategically placed benches where you can sit and admire the explosions of color. Especially during spring.
Renee has dedicated her life to her home and family. She loves it and thrives on it. Lucky for her, Charles, being a partner in a successful law firm has enabled her to do so.
“I thought you could use some company. How are you holding up?”
I shrug. “Fine. It’s not me that lost someone.”
“Still, this can’t be easy for you.”
If only he knew. But then it hits me, and my face flames with heat. He knows. I’m sure everyone knows. How can they not with the way Ryan’s acting?
I stare out at the garden, trying to process how I’m feeling.
“I feel like such an idiot,” I whisper, the words feeling like they’re coated in acid as they leave my mouth.
Because I am. Ryan might think he loves me, but it’s become desperately clear that he loves her more. I can’t ignore it anymore.
“You’re not. And I don’t think it is what you think it is.”
The shake of my head denies his words. I don’t have any fight left in me, not because I’m weak. Because I refuse to have to fight to keep someone’s love. I’m worth more than that.
“Thank you for checking up on me,” I say with as much of a smile as I can muster, but my words are a clear dismissal. I need to do what I do best. Mourn on my own.
He shoots me an understanding smile, and then I’m on my own again.
Just as I think enough time has passed for me to leave without whispers being thrown at my back, I hear the soft tap of heels come up behind me. My back stiffens when I see it’s Hadley.
“I just want you to know it’s nothing personal. If we met under different circumstances, we might even have been friends.”
“Not likely,” I say, unable to keep the scorn from my voice. There’s not a single thing about her I like.
“I suppose you’re right.”
I glance at her, and there’s a small smile playing on her lips and not a trace of grief in her eyes. I’m taken aback because not thirty minutes ago, you would have thought her world was ending.
A part of me did feel sorry for her. For the grief I thought she was going through. I’m intimately familiar with it. I was inconsolable when Mom died. But finally, she’s showing me the real her, and I feel validated.
I was right all along. Those suspicions I had that I thought were uncharitable were right. She’s been faking it all along. Using it to manipulate Ryan.
I chuckle in disbelief. “You missed your calling. You should have been an actress.”
She shrugs as if it’s of no consequence. “How can you grieve something you’ve never had?”
I have no words for her statement. The callousness of it is completely beyond my understanding.
“You know,” she continues. “My parents never cared about me. Ryan’s the only one who’s ever been there for me. Do you really think I’d let him go that easily?”
“But you did let him go. You divorced. You moved away. You’ve been gone for years.”
“Because that’s what he needed at the time. He needed to live a little. Grow up. Look at how Bailey and Quinn turned out. Perfect example. I can guarantee that Hannah and Aiden will be next. Do you want me to quote the percentages of how many couples get divorced because they got married too young? I’ve done my research.”
“You’re very sure of yourself.”
“I look at this like this. You borrowed him for a while, allowed him to…sow his wild oats, and now I’m taking him back. Make no mistake, Ryan’s my end game. He’s always been my endgame. And you’re just a blip on my radar.”
“I hate to burst your bubble, but Ryan called your marriage a mistake. That he realized he loves you as a friend. Nothing more.”
She grimaces slightly. “Men can be so dense. It was a mistake. Then. An impulsive decision. Ryan has always loved me, but he just wasn’t ready. He was scared of the commitment, so I let him go. I wasn’t worried because I knew we’d get back together. Ryan’s always loved me, and he always will love me. And now he’s older. Wiser. He’s ready to start our life together.”
“And yet, he’s with me,” I say, remembering all the times he said that I’m it for him. I might have stopped believing that, but hell will freeze over before I admit that to her.
“Is he?” She has a small smile playing on her lips as she looks at me. “Whose bed did he sleep in last night? Who has he been spending most of his time with since I’ve been back? Do you think that will change once I move back? And I am moving back. I’ve resigned. All that’s left for me to do is pack up my belongings.”
I look at her, and I realize I’m outclassed. I’m too honest, not devious enough to compete against her. And I don’t want to. I don’t want to be one of those women who says, “At least he comes home to me.” Either he loves me enough to choose me, or he doesn’t. I refuse to fight for a man to pick me.
As if she can read my thoughts, she murmurs, “That’s the difference between us. I will fight for him till my dying breath, and I’ll make sure I am whatever he needs me to be.”
“You know you’re fucked up, right? Nothing about you is real. The way you pretend and play with people’s emotions is like it’s a game to you. There’s no way you can win something like that. Not in the long run. The truth always comes out.”
“Aspen,” she says, shaking her head again. “So na?ve. That’s what I like about you. The only thing I like about you,” she mutters. “Don’t you know that all is fair in love and war, and I don’t need to win. I’ve already won, and you’ve already lost. You just don’t know it yet. Do yourself a favor and ask him what’s happening next Saturday.”
“Hey. Here you are,” Ryan says, dragging my eyes away from Hadley’s triumphant ones. “I’ve been looking for you.”
He takes a step towards me, and I take a step back. The need to ask him what’s happening next Saturday is a scorching flame burning my insides to ash, but I refuse to do it in front of her.
I just know that whatever it is, is going to devastate me, and there’s no way I’ll allow her to see it.
“I’m going to go,” I whisper, allowing him to see my heartbreak in my eyes.
“Aspen?” He looks between us, his face set in confusion. “What’s going on?”
“I just…I need to go.”
“Tell me what happened. Please.”
I debate holding my tongue, but then decide, fuck it. Things are as bad as they can be. Nothing I say can change it.
“Hadley was kind enough to confirm a few things for me.”
“Like what?” he asks carefully.
I shrug, knowing that my words will fall on deaf ears. “Cliff notes version. She loves you. You love her. You belong to her, and she’s here to get you back.”
I clench my jaw against saying the rest of everything she said.
“What?” they say at the same time, and I have to hand it to Hadley. The shock on her face looks genuine.
“Aspen,” he groans. “This is not the time or the place.”
“Oh, I know. It’s never the time or the place. But you insisted.”
“Ryan,” Hadley breathes, reaching out and grabbing his arm. “I don’t know why…I would never…” Her voice trails off on a sob. Yeah, definitely should have been an actress.
I watch with a small sense of satisfaction as he shrugs her hand off, and for a second I allow my heart to swell in optimism. Is he finally going to believe me?
Instead, he turns to me, his face painted in irritation. My hands curl into fists; an unconscious defense against his next words.
“We buried Hadley’s dad today. Can you not make the day harder than it has to be?”