Chapter 6
JAKE
I’d been in Vegas for almost two months, and things were going well.
I had a regular schedule at the gym, Beth and Carson and I all got along for the most part, and I was really enjoying working one-on-one with Ethan.
It almost felt like a betrayal to acknowledge that the time I spent with him was the best thing I had going right now, but… well, it was true.
I mean, Ethan was cute without being intimidatingly hot, he was engaged without making me explain things a dozen times or assuming he already knew everything, and he was interested in me without actually asking me out so far.
That was fine, as far as I was concerned, because…
well. Apart from being his coach at the moment, I hadn’t been on a date with a guy before.
Hookups, a few times, but a date? Nope. I was thinking about it now, though, even if I wasn’t quite ready to act on it, and overall, things were good. I felt good.
Naturally, it didn’t last.
It was a reality of being big that I was, unless I stated otherwise, going to be used to keep other big boys down.
That had been the way it always worked in every gym I came up in—“you’re a big ol’ cornfed bastard and that means we’re throwing you at every person over two hundred pounds who walks through the door.
” It used to be something I didn’t mind, once I was done with high school at least. I got a better workout with a bigger opponent, except in rare cases like Carson where the smaller guy was too fucking fast for me to keep a grip on.
I’d gotten out of the habit of being a human wrecking ball in Vegas, though.
Beth was a fairly petite woman, and her head instructor was an average-sized guy.
They didn’t attract the bigger, ‘roided-up men who tended to cruise jiu jitsu gyms looking to dominate. Not that Beth would let them get away with it for long—I didn’t know her well, but I knew that much.
But still, by the time someone my size did walk through the door and decide to stay, I’d gotten used to not playing that role.
Two weeks after I started working with Ethan, all that changed as the biggest guy I’d seen for a long time walked in through the gym door. He was a little shorter than me, but broad, with a barrel chest and legs like tree trunks.
“Hey, little lady!” He greeted Beth effusively, going so far as to pick her up and squeeze her right after he walked in. I was about to head over when Carson stopped me.
“Old training partner, I think,” he murmured, but his eyes were sharp too.
“Bubba, you’re looking good.”
Holy shit, his name was actually Bubba? Unbelievable.
He puffed out his chest. “Bought a farm down in Tennessee, been workin’ out a lot more than I used to.” He flexed an impressive set of arms. “Got on T, too, and that’s doin’ wonders for me.”
I didn’t roll my eyes, but it was a near thing. Of course this guy was on testosterone; it was the supplement du jour of the weight lifting and BJJ communities. Who needed steroids when you could get things like testosterone and human growth hormone without endangering your career?
And peptides. Couldn’t forget the fucking peptides.
“And you’re here because… ” Beth prodded him.
“Bachelor party for one of my boys, y’know? But I heard you started your own gym and I had to check it out and see how you’re copin’ without your brother jackassing the place up.”
Well, at least he wasn’t a fan of Kevin. I’d never met the guy, but I’d learned fast not to ask questions about him unless Beth and Carson were drunk and feeling vindictive.
“We’re doing good, thanks.” She gestured toward us. “I’ve got some great guys working with me.”
Bubba’s face split with a grin as he caught sight of me. “Aw hell, there we go, girl! You finally got yourself a man big enough to handle a spitfire like you!”
“We’re not together,” I corrected. Beth was a great woman, but there was no attraction on either side.
“Well, why the hell not?”
“How about minding your own business?” Beth shot back as some of our other students began to creep in around Bubba’s massive back.
As the mat began to fill, Carson took me aside. “It’s open mat tonight,” he said, looking more serious than I’d seen him in a long time. “You need to start with Bubba and put him down hard before he can get going.”
“He’s trained, then?”
Carson sighed. “The guy runs a place of his own near Memphis, I think. Gracie lineage. They’ve got a rep for going super hard, though. He’ll try to play by the rules in someone else’s gym, but… ”
“Yeah.” I got it. New place, high adrenaline, wanting to test your skills—that could go bad at the best of times, and Bubba was bigger than any of our students. “I’m on it.”
Bubba wasn’t even surprised when I held my hand out as Beth readied the timer. “All right,” he said, smacking my palm so loud the crack echoed through the room. “Let’s do this, big boy!” He decided to start standing, so I matched him. The buzzer went off, and—
Bubba charged, grabbed me, and took me down with a double-leg before I could even blink. He went for a crush, but I got my K-guard into position and held him off. It was fucking hard to hold him off, but I managed it.
“Too light on your feet,” he taunted good-naturedly, slurring the words around his mouthguard. I didn’t reply, just waited for him to try another crush—it seemed like a technique that worked for him. Sure enough, he leaned forward, and that was my cue to shovel into coyote half, then deep half.
Deep half guard meant, basically, letting Bubba sit on me while I was sideways underneath him, with my whole body keeping one of his legs extended all the way out.
It was a risky place to be with a guy this big, but it took away his ability to use his upper half effectively.
He tried to put his knee on the ground and backstep, but I yanked his leg as straight as I could.
When he went to pass my head, I ducked under his beefy ass—which was no treat, but at least he wasn’t sweating too badly yet—and took his back.
He proceeded to smash me flat onto my back and take almost all the sting out of my attempt at a choke.
It took way too long to get out from under him, and by the time I did I only had a minute left in the round.
It was time to be more direct. I got Bubba down on his back, hooked my far arm beneath his to keep his chest down, then brought my hips up high and began to slowly, inexorably, choke the ever-living shit out of him while balancing most of my weight on his upper ribcage.
He held out without tapping, but when the buzzer went off his face was bright red, and he was panting for air when I let go.
“Goddamn,” he wheezed, looking at me with appreciation. “It’s been a while since somebody managed to out-pressure me. You know how to throw those pounds around, don’t you?” He grabbed my arm and gave it a squeeze. “Big enough to give me a run for my money!”
And… fuck. Fuck, but just hearing it from someone who was bigger than me was enough to put me back into a headspace I thought I’d conquered years ago.
I made it two more rounds before I had to beg off from the rest of open mat.
I dressed hurriedly and slipped out the back door before Beth or Carson could ask me any questions.
I wanted to drive back to my apartment, turn on the shower, and sit in it until my skin stopped itching…
or I drowned, one or the other. Instead I sat down in the front seat of my truck, pulled my phone out, and stared at it for a long few minutes before I finally called my psychiatrist.
I needed an emergency session.
Two hours and one “you talked me down from the ledge of a full-blown descent back into body dysmorphia but I’m not good yet” discussion, and I was indulging in the kind of self-care that I never used unless I was having one of these moments.
I made my rooms as cold as I could stand, so that it felt natural to bundle up in oversized blankets.
I shrugged into clothes two sizes too big, got out my largest mug and filled it to the brim with my favorite tea, and curled up on my couch to watch something mindless.
I ended up settling on hockey. I still had next to no idea how the game was played or what constituted a formal penalty vs someone just being a mean player, but that was fine.
I could watch it and zone out, sip tea and snuggle into a ball and not focus on the fact that I’d come close to diving back down a rabbit hole that had almost given me an eating disorder when I was a teenager.
My twin sister and I almost never saw eye to eye, but the one way we never gave each other shit was when it came to body image.
The two of us had matured quicker and gotten bigger than any of the other kids in grade school.
I knew it had been objectively harder on her, what with puberty hitting when she was ten and already as tall as our fifth-grade teacher, but it still wasn’t nice to be singled out as the biggest boy in the entire school.
It was the same all the way up through senior year, only by then all the coaches wanted me for their teams. I’d gotten my mind stuck on a loop between bulking up and cutting, bulking and cutting—to the point where I never felt like I looked right.
Getting counseling had helped. Going away to college had helped even more. But I still backslid sometimes, more since I’d fucked up Carson so badly.
He texted me at ten that night. You okay?
Fine, except for my head. Carson knew enough to understand what I wasn’t explicitly saying.
Want me to come over?
Usually I’d say yes, but I happened to know that Marek had just gotten back from a week on the road. The hell I was getting in the way of that. Nah, its fine. I thought about that for a second. Actually I need to take tomorrow off. Can you cover my class?
Sure. What about Ethan tho?
Oh shit, I had a private lesson with Ethan tomorrow evening.
I didn’t want to be flaky, especially so early in our…
whatever it was we were doing, but I also knew I was going to be incredibly self-conscious for at least another day.
I couldn’t stand the thought of Ethan having to touch me when I didn’t even want to touch myself.
Nvm, I got it.
Damn it. Tell him I’ll make it up to him.
Tell him urself!
I smiled a little as I tapped out Text like an adult.
U txt like an adult. Then he sent a series of emojis which didn’t make any sense, then my phone stopped buzzing.
It was a relief, but he was also right. I needed to man up and let Ethan know I’d be out tomorrow. I didn’t want to lie about why, though. I’d just… keep things vague.
Hey. Easy enough beginning. I’m not going to be able to meet with you tomorrow. I’m…
As big as a barn. Heavy as a horse. Like Frankenstein’s monster.
Not feeling well. Carson will work with you instead. See you next Tuesday.
Due diligence done, I put my phone on silent and curled up a little tighter. My stomach rumbled, but I ignored it. Tea would be enough for tonight. Tomorrow I’d eat better, though. If I couldn’t, then I’d call my doctor again.
I sighed and closed my eyes. Tomorrow would be better.