26. Else-Maj
ELSE-MAJ
1954
The phone call came in the afternoon, and Housemother sent Anna to tell her. Else-Maj was in the common room, clapping her palms against Biret’s. It was a fun game—they clapped faster and faster until they missed.
When Anna came in, she started crying before she could say what she was there to say. She couldn’t produce a sound, just reached out for Else-Maj, who didn’t want to take her hand but got up off the floor.
“Is it Sara? Did something happen?”
Anna covered her mouth; each word was eaten up by a whimper. Else-Maj broke out in a cold sweat and her arms went numb. Her hands, which had just been red and smarting from all the clapping, lost all sensation too.
Anna muffled her sobs and placed a hand on Else-Maj’s shoulder, guiding her forward. She looked down at her thick gray socks, which Enná had knitted; she didn’t pick up her feet but shuffled them across the floor. They went upstairs to the dormitory; Anna had already cleared the other girls out. Else-Maj saw them in the corridor, their curious eyes.
Once the door was closed, Anna sat down on the nearest bed and patted the covers, but Else-Maj refused to sit. So Anna reached out and grasped Else-Maj’s bare arms gently. Skin to skin, her hands damp with sweat. Else-Maj felt sensation return to her body, and now it was her head that buzzed and made everything unsteady.
“Ráhkis Else-Maj.” Anna bowed her head and when she looked up again, tears were streaming down her face. “Ráhkis Else-Maj. Mon lean nu mora?la?. Du unna oappá? lea jápmán.” Her face contorted as she uttered the inconceivable words. Else-Maj looked at her, resisted, didn’t want to listen, didn’t want to be hugged.
“Son ii lea jápmán!” she screamed. “Sara is not dead!”
Anna tried once more to pull her close, but Else-Maj managed to bring her hands up and shove Anna’s shoulders away. She had sharp tiny nails and wanted to claw.
She would not cry, because she would never accept what Anna had said. Her unna oabbá was not dead!
There was a draft as someone cracked the door.
“What’s going on?” The authoritative voice of the maid called Iris came from behind them.
“Go on, Iris, just go,” Anna said, her voice dull.
“But Housemother heard her shouting in Lappish.”
Else-Maj turned around. “Jávka!” she shouted with all her strength. “Go away!” It felt as though she would never stop screaming, and she went on howling without words. Iris brought a hand to her lips in alarm, but she backed out and closed the door after her.
Anna stood up and pulled Else-Maj close. She gently covered her mouth with one hand in an attempt to stop the screaming. “There, there. Hush, hush now.”
Else-Maj gasped for breath and Anna held her tighter, rocking her, and it was a comforting feeling from the past, one her body recognized, and she stopped screaming. Anna looked like her heart was broken, but she slowly released her grip on Else-Maj.
She was free to go, but where? She was stuck here. When her legs gave way, she thumped onto the cold floor and sat there with a blank look on her face. Anna got to her knees and put her arms around her again.
“Ráhkis, ráhkis,” she whispered over and over into Else-Maj’s hair. Dear, dear one .
She could feel Anna’s rapid heartbeat, but inside her own chest there was no heart anymore. Her arms became leaden; she would never again lift them to embrace anyone.
Now the tears came, and she wept until her throat seized. She gagged, but nothing came up.
“Do you want to know what happened?” Anna asked.
“No!” She wriggled out of Anna’s embrace and rested her head against the bed, her temples pounding from all the crying. Anna stroked her back, but Else-Maj didn’t want to be touched and flailed like a burbot in an ice-fishing hole.
She pulled away but sat up straight, staring into the distance. A black monster was writhing inside her, whispering that it was her fault. She had abandoned her sister. Again. Eventually her whole body grew numb, as though she no longer existed either.
“Sara died peacefully in her sleep. She didn’t suffer,” said Anna.
“You don’t know that,” Else-Maj whispered, but it was so quiet that Anna didn’t hear. Louder, she asked, “Does that mean I can go home now?”