Chapter 9
Haven
I wake up alone because Kai’s probably passed out drunk somewhere, like the asshole he is.
The knot in my stomach tells me I don’t get to be mad about that.
Not after what I did last night.
…you were right…
Fuck!
I roll onto my back and stare at the ceiling, growling at myself.
The message I sent Bastian kept playing on repeat in my mind as I tried to fall asleep. I never turned my phone back—I didn’t dare. Instead, I cleaned the entire Airbnb, took a shower, and put on Kai’s jersey because I wanted so desperately to smell him again.
When my head hit the pillow, I was gone.
I just woke up from the most scandalous fucking dream I’ve ever had…and it involved Bastian and Kai. And for once, they weren’t fighting each other.
They were fighting over me.
Damn, it was good. Felt like I was about to come for ages. I didn’t, though, and that pisses me off, because now Kai’s not even here to get me off.
I kick off the covers and sit up, dragging my hands through my hair. Kai’s football jersey clings to me with static, both comforting and damning because all I can think about is how I betrayed him while I was wearing his fucking clothes.
It’s so fucking quiet in here.
Too quiet.
I go into the bathroom to pee and brush my teeth, but when I catch sight of myself in the bathroom mirror, I stop. My hand flies to my neck, diving behind the neckline of Kai’s jersey to scrape my skin.
My necklace is gone.
But then I remember it broke and I let out an annoyed grunt as I hurry back to bed. I think I was holding it when I—
My fingers glide over the sheet. Under the pillow. Slow, then frantic.
“No.” The word comes out strangled. “No, no, no—”
I check the nightstand and under the bed, but the only thing under there is the grocery list. Wind must have blown it off the fridge. I leave it down there, because there are more important things at stake right now than fucking marshmallows.
My mind wheels as I desperately retrace my steps last night.
Tossing bottles against the wall. Tearing up study notes. Then crying. Messaging Bastian. Crying some more. Going to bed, not sleeping, cleaning the entire studio apartment just to tire myself out.
Where. Was. The. Necklace?
Kitchen counter. I put it on the kitchen counter so I had both hands to clean. I rush over, but nothing is out of place. What if I accidentally threw it away?
I rush over to the trash can, staring blankly at the fresh trash bag for a moment before remembering I threw out the trash last night.
“Fuck.”
I run outside in bare feet and Kai’s jersey, not caring that it barely covers my ass, not caring that it’s cold enough to see my breath. The dumpster sits at the edge of the property, and I flip open the lid with shaking hands.
Empty.
They already picked up.
I stand there staring into the empty dumpster, valiantly fighting back tears.
It was just a cheap necklace.
But it was mine.
Ours.
And now it’s gone, and Kai’s gone, and I messaged Bastian, and I had a dream about them that made me wake up wet and guilty and hating myself, and—
My phone.
I need my phone.
I rush back inside and grab my phone off the coffee table where I left it last night.
Still dead, because Haven Lee’s orbit is a miracle-free zone.
And Kai’s charger, which is usually in the kitchen, is gone, too.
Jesus, did I throw everything away last night?
Wait…I had a charger. Should still be in the duffel bag we collected from GAZ on Monday. But when I rifle through my things, I don’t find it either.
Gone, or GAZ didn’t pack it when they cleared out my side of the room.
“Are you fucking kidding me?”
I want to scream. Want to throw something. Want to rewind to yesterday morning when I hadn’t ruined everything by reaching for the one person I should never, ever reach for.
I rock back on my heels, breathing hard, trying to think.
The main house. The owners of this Airbnb live in the main house. Maybe they’re home. Maybe they’ll let me borrow a charger long enough to call Kai and tell him—
Tell him what?
That I’m sorry? That I fucked up? That I messaged our psycho professor and now I’m fucked in the head because I can’t take it back?
I grab my tote bag and shove my dead phone inside. Tugging last night’s hoodie over my head, I only bother with a pair of leggings and my Uggs before I’m hurrying outside toward the main house.
The cold hits me hard, brisk enough to make my eyes water. Holy crap, it feels like an Arctic winter out here. The sky is a flat gray that promises snow, and the wind cuts through my hoodie like it’s tissue paper.
No car in the driveway. No lights on inside, and it’s dark enough that surely they’d need them.
No answer when I knock, but I knock again anyway, hoping.
When it’s obvious no one’s at home, I grit my teeth and head for the street.
The campus library is fifteen minutes away. Someone there will have a charger, right?
I walk fast, head down, hands shoved in my hoodie’s pouch.
Last night plays on a loop in my head, completely disrespecting my wish for it to stop.
Kai’s sullen expression when I pushed too hard about his mom. The way he just…left. Like walking away was easier than dealing with me.
Maybe it is.
Maybe I’m just too much. Too fucked up to be loved unconditionally.
Too broken.
Why else would I message the one guy Kai made me swear to stop seeing?
That’s why they call it self-sabotage, idiot.
I toss my head back, laughing like a maniac as the wind blusters through my hair.
Here I am running around in the cold, desperately trying to contact my boyfriend after a fight I instigated, while my clit is still tingling from the remnant of a sex dream about a man who—despite being very much alive—was haunting me.
The campus comes into view, and I pick up my pace, almost jogging the last few yards. I hesitate, but thankfully there’s someone else at Nora’s desk today. Guess she only works during the week.
The library is open too, and so fucking warm. Simone is at the circulation desk, not a complete stranger—another miracle.
“Morning!” I say, in a much cheerier voice than I thought I could pull off.
Simone spins around, her blond ponytail slapping her in the face. She spits hair out of her mouth and smiles. “Haven! Cramming for midterms again?”
She’s been seeing a lot of me and Kai the past few days. The library has the perfect study vibe, especially between classes. We’d probably have spent a lot more time here if we’d been allowed to eat inside.
On cue, my stomach starts grumbling.
“Maybe.” I shrug, digging in my tote for my phone. “Could I ask you to charge this for me, please? I forgot my charger.”
“Of course, silly!” Simone gives me a dismissive wave as she takes the phone, turning her back to fumble around the library’s computer station for the charging cord. “Come get it when you’re ready.”
“You’re a lifesaver.”
“Don’t I know it.” She winks.
I open my mouth, about to ask if I can come around the desk and check for messages, but my stomach gives another grumble. “Yeah, let me go get some coffee.”
It’s fine. I’ll charge my phone. Call Kai. We’ll work this out.
Everything’s going to be fine.
Simone gives me a sympathetic purse of her lips. “Try not to stress so much about midterms, okay? It’ll be fine.”
The echo sets my teeth on edge, but I force a smile and a mumbled, “Thanks.”
I cross the foyer to the cafeteria, repeating ‘it’ll be fine’ in my head like a fucking mantra the entire way. I was really just going to get a cup of coffee, but when the doors swing open and I’m hit with the smell of freshly baked bagels, I nearly drown in my saliva.
There are a handful of students in the cafeteria, most nursing coffee and staring dead-eyed at their laptops.
I grab a bagel with cream cheese and the largest coffee they have.
At the register, I rummage around in the bottom of my tote bag for some change. Kai has a habit of shoving it in my bag sometimes when he uses cash for something—which is rare—but I can’t even scrounge up half of my bill.
“Fuck,” I mutter, eying the bagel, then the coffee.
The cashier raises an eyebrow. “Problem?”
I could put back the bagel. Go hungry. Wait until Kai shows up, and we can figure out food together.
Or…
I pull out the black credit card Bastian gave me. The one I kept in case of emergency.
Is being broke and hungry an emergency?
Or is using his money one step closer to hell?
“Hello?” the cashier prompts, snapping her gum.
“Sorry.” I hand over the card.
She swipes it and casually returns it as if she wasn’t just complicit in Haven Lee’s continued fall from grace.
I take my food and coffee and get the fuck out of there before I can think too hard about what I just did. But Simone’s too good at her job—it’s like she can sniff out the bagel in my tote bag as soon as my feet hit the library carpet.
She looks up from her desk and shakes her head, giving me an apologetic smile. I roll my lips together, nodding before turning on my heel and heading out again.
I can polish off this bagel in five minutes, tops.
What’s a few minutes in the grand scheme of things, right?
I take three minutes to devour my bagel because I’m that hungry. I’m still wiping crumbs from my mouth as I hurry back inside the library. Simone doesn’t sense a disturbance in the force anymore because she lets me approach the desk without an issue.
“Could I check my phone, please?”
Simone laughs as she turns to unplug it. “You kids and your phones,” she says. “Here you go.”
I turn it on and wait for it to boot up, my knee bouncing under the table.
Come on. Come on.
The screen lights up.
Notifications flood in.
Five missed calls from Kai from this morning, all within the span of twenty minutes. And a handful of VibeFeed notifications, too.
My heart leaps into my throat. I start a call, putting my phone to my ear as I look up and catch Simone’s wide eyes and gaping mouth.
Oh God. I’ve just committed a sin worse than bringing food into the library.