Chapter 32 #2
Kai slips an arm around my chest, dragging me flush against him like he’s never going to let go. And fuck, how I welcome his warmth and his strength.
I’d forgotten about that day, which is wild, because I’m pretty sure that was the exact moment I fell for Bastian.
“Everything is so fucking difficult for us, isn’t it?” Our professor’s voice lilts up and down—lighthearted one moment, utterly despairing the next. “Happiness, love, connection…it’s something that happens to other people, but never to us. Never us. Because of that fucking curse.”
A shaky exhale.
“I had a revelation today. Call it an epiphany, if you will. I got a glimpse of what I’ll become one day…without you.” Bastian’s breath rattles in his throat.
“Both of you.”
Kai’s grip tightens even more when he murmurs a quiet, “Fuck,” against my shoulder. I swear I can feel his teeth on my skin, like he’s snarling or sneering.
It feels like my skull is about to crack open. Pressure builds behind my eyes, burning inside my throat, sinking deep into my stomach.
“I want what everyone else has. I want joy, and love, and someone I don’t need to manipulate into being with me. And I know I don’t deserve that from you. Either of you. Not after what I did. But if you could just…”
Bastian lets out a ragged breath, his voice tight as he continues.
“If you could give me just one—one more chance—”
His voice cracks, and my body shudders at the sound. Kai drags a hand over my hair, pressing his lips to the side of my face.
There’s silence for so long, I think the message has ended.
Then Bastian chokes out, “I need you. I fucking need you, and I don’t know what I’ll do if I can’t have you. I…Christ, I don’t want to find out. I don’t.”
He takes an audible breath, like he’s trying to gather himself.
“For what it’s worth, I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry for everything.”
The recording ends.
I stare at the phone, not breathing.
Then I hit play again.
“I shouldn’t be sending this.”
I expect Kai to stop me, but he doesn’t.
“…and I’ve been trying—Christ! I’ve been trying…”
We sit there listening as I replay the message. As I wipe the tears from my face. As I feel Kai’s body growing more and more tense behind me.
“…need you. I fucking need you, and I don’t know what I’ll do if—“
Kai jabs the pause button, rips my phone out of my hand, and tosses it out of reach by the corner of the bed.
“It’s a trap,” he growls. “It has to be a trap. He’s manipulating us like he always does.”
I stay where I am, my hand curled around nothing. The tears emptied me out. That fucking message left me hollow as a bird bone.
I turn to look at Kai. His eyes are glazed, his jaw clenched so tight I can see the muscle jumping.
“Do you believe it’s bullshit, or do you hope it’s bullshit?”
Kai keeps my gaze for all of one second before he looks away. “I don’t know.” The words come out broken. “I don’t fucking know, okay?”
“It’s not a complicated question, Kai!” I squirm in the grip of his arm, still slung around my chest. “Sounds to me like he just poured his fucking heart out, but you’re the fucking expert, right? So you tell me if it’s bullshit or not!”
I know I’m shouting.
I know it’s too much.
But that fucking message was too much.
I can’t deal with it. Any of it. And Kai’s just staring at me like he wishes more than anything he can go back in time and stop me pressing play.
“Was. That. Bullshit?” I yell at him, shoving him when he doesn’t say anything. “Come on, Kai! You know best! You’re the fucking expert! Tell me if that—“
“I don’t know!” He grabs my shoulder, his thumb digging into the muscle beneath my collarbone. “But if I could choose, then yeah, I want it to be bullshit!”
“What! Why?”
“Because then he’d be lying like he always fucking does, and then I’d keep hating him like I so badly want to, and then all the shit that’s happened between us doesn’t mean a fucking thing.
And that’s how I want it. Meaningless, random, fucking bullshit that doesn’t—“ he falters, swallowing hard “—that doesn’t mean anything.”
My heart stops. “What happened, Kai?”
His face drains of color.
“Nothing. Forget I said—”
“Don’t you dare.” I grab his arm, forcing him to look at me. “No more secrets. That was the deal. So tell me what the fuck happened between you two.”
Kai won’t meet my eyes until I take his face in my hand and force him to look at me.
“Kai, please.” I trail my hand down his chest. “Please let me in.”
Very quietly, he murmurs, “I went to his office, and we got in a fight that somehow…that somehow ended with him sucking my dick.” Green eyes filled with pain and regret and deep, deep confusion latch onto mine again. “I let him suck my dick, Haven. And I liked it.”
I should be angry. Hurt. Betrayed. Kai cheated on me…right?
Instead, all I feel is relief. Because now we’re even.
“Okay,” I say.
Kai’s head snaps up. “Okay? That’s all you have to say?”
“Yes, because it is okay. Now we can both stop pretending we’re fine.” I let out a bitter laugh as I flop onto my back. “Thank fuck for that.”
He stares at me, but there’s no relief on his face. Just resignation, and a touch of frustration. “So what do we do now?” he asks.
I look down at the voice note that just annihilated our futile attempt at a happily ever after.
“We should talk to him,” I say.
“I’m not fucking going to that house in the middle of nowhere with that—“
He cuts off when I hold up my finger. “Somewhere public. Then we can bolt if we need to, and there are witnesses if things get…murder-y.”
Kai tries to smile, but it fades before it can take root. “Not in town. I…I don’t want anyone seeing us with him.”
I pick up my phone and start typing.
@bssweetgirl
Let’s meet up.
Somewhere public, outside AH.
I show Kai the screen. He reads it, then adds one more line.
This is your LAST chance. Don’t fuck it up.