14. Tony
FOURTEEN
tony
A fter Jaime had first showed up at my place, I had gone through several itemized lists of everything I should prepare for. His readiness to attack and stubbornness were among the first in all those lists. His relationship with Cece was another. With Sergio, too, for that matter. I’d kind of ticked off the last two—or started doing it. After reading through a dozen forums on puppy play, I didn’t have more questions than answers, but I definitely had one hell of a headache.
That was irrelevant.
No, what I hadn’t thought to add to any of the lists was my phone now incessantly buzzing with texts and mentions . Most of them came from Jaime and Cece. Sergio was slowly mimicking his friends, too, as evidenced by the last string of only mildly connected texts he sent.
Sergio
Kara kidnapped me to talk to her therapist
didn’t know that was a thing
but I have a therapist now
it’s annoying
she said you don’t have to be a nightmare-inducing monster, so yay, endorsement?
she also said I shouldn’t force myself to interact with you, which I’m clearly not doing, so who knows if her judgement is good?
anyway
Jaime said you’re spanking them this weekend
Daddy said we can go but i’m on speech restriction
but I don’t like speech restriction
can you imagine me not talking?
he said I need your permission to not be on speech restriction
well, he didn’t use the word permission, but you know what I mean
The texts sat unanswered. I’d read them about ten times by now and cleaned my house to the point of reorganizing my bookshelves. Procrastination wasn’t something that I usually had to keep myself from doing.
The feeling it evoked in my chest was unfamiliar. Uncomfortable.
Sadly, I couldn’t ignore Sergio forever.
Tony
I would love to see you on speech restriction sometime, but it’s not needed. I trust your Daddy can handle you if it comes to that.
I scratched behind my ear, rereading the answer. The sentiment was true, but I kept overthinking these things lately. Would I have answered the same, in the same tone, if it wasn’t Sergio? I knew our talk hadn’t solved all the history between us—it hadn’t even scratched the surface—and it didn’t leave me confident when it came to how I interacted with him. Should I treat him like any other sub in the club who had consented to a certain level of protocol and reverence with the rest of the members? Was that what I was doing, or was I still reacting to the shame and the anger that came from being around him?
The answers to that introspection got shoved to the background when I noticed the bubbles that showed Sergio was typing. Of course he’d answer right away even when I’d left him on read for hours.
Sergio
Boo!!!
(but also yay!)
but what if I think you’re being too rough on Jaime or something? I will speak up if I think they’re in pain
just fyi
that’s why Daddy threatened me with the speech restriction, I think, because he thinks I’m biased
which, I’m not, necessarily?
I think?
I mean, you’ve never spanked me
(THAT’S NOT AN INVITATION)
I scratched my jaw. The boy really was a bundle of energy. I liked it when my subs had stamina, and a sunnier disposition than I did, but Sergio went beyond that.
Tony
I would hope they’re in pain.
Boy, you’ve been spanked before. Pain is part of it.
But you can speak up and check in with Jaime if you (and your Daddy) think it’s needed.
I reread that answer, too. It was what I would’ve told anyone else. I understood Sergio would be unpredictably protective of the people closest to him. The fact that he didn’t have an ounce of self-preservation didn’t help.
Sergio
Deal!!
PS: i’m going to go meet a bunch of cats now, but Jaime *really, really, really* likes it when you play with their hair after a scene. i don’t know why they’re never upfront about it, but it’s a thing
Tony
Thank you, boy.
I wasn’t going to ask about the cats, and I wasn’t going to play with Jaime’s hair without talking with them about it first. I wasn’t thanking Sergio for bringing it up. I was thanking him for making the effort, I supposed.
It sounded lame to my own two ears.
I needed to do something about this energy that kept taking hold of me.
My phone buzzed again before I could get off the couch.
This time, it was a call from Erika. Small mercies, I guessed, but my point about all the attention to my phone remained. The group chats were bad enough before they’d all decided to make me part of their fold, but at least I could mute them. Muting individual chats felt personal. Wrong.
“Hey, Erika.” I sighed. I’d have to sit with the feeling of ants crawling up my skin for a while longer. “What’s up?”
Like me, Erika wasn’t a fan of small talk. Even in the months after the article in that local newspaper had come out and she’d checked on me more than I would’ve ever asked of her, she was all business and direct questions.
I had appreciated it, then. It made me feel less like a pet project she was treading carefully with.
I still appreciated it.
“Just wanted to check in and see if you’re still doing the demo with Jaime.”
I frowned. “Unless you know something I don’t, then yeah.”
Did she? Annoyance swirled in, starting in my chest. I’d deal with having a group of people incessantly texting. I wouldn’t deal with using messengers as if we were back in middle school.
“Easy,” Erika warned. “I don’t.”
“Good.”
Was I curt? Probably.
All this attention on my every move was going to take some getting used to.
“Well, Eli’s still available if you want to demonstrate something harder on it.”
I snorted. “I know you’re not saying that because you need me to spank your toy for you, so I won’t tease you about it. But I appreciate the offer.”
I doubted I’d need it. Back when I’d signed up, the plan had been to use Erika’s slave as the spankee, but it wouldn’t be needed now.
Even when I thought back to Jaime’s room, and their warning about their pain tolerance, I doubted there were going to be any issues. The pup was scared—and it was understandable—but a scared pup didn’t need a handler who was just as scared as them. They needed someone who showed them they were safe and everything was under control.
Erika huffed. She didn’t say anything for a few seconds. If I wasn’t used to the way she took time to phrase herself, I would’ve checked that the call hadn’t disconnected.
“How are things with Jaime?”
I tensed up right away—even if it could be argued that I’d had time to prepare. Erika didn’t leave things unsaid—or questions unasked, in this case.
“They’re good.” I rolled my eyes. As Jaime had pointed out that first day, I spoke in front of the EU parliament, for fuck’s sake. They’re good was the best I could come up with? “Too early to tell.”
“Hmm.” Whatever Erika was doing in the background, I doubted she’d tell if I asked. “Are you aware that you always go for someone with an established dynamic? I thought it made sense before, but you’re doing it now, too.”
I frowned. My first instinct was to fight the claim. That wasn’t?—
No, it was true, but it wasn’t… It didn’t mean anything. Just a coincidence.
Maybe not so much a coincidence. I observed people before I even considered to make a move on them. If a person already had some kind of dynamic? It let me see more into them. The way they behaved around a kink sibling, an anchor partner, or another sub spoke about a side of their character that wouldn’t be visible in any other scenario.
With Jaime, it was his Alpha ways with Cece. They might toy with taking the reins from me, but that didn’t come close to the way they dominated Cece. The way Jaime covered her body with theirs was not something they’d do with me, but it gave me deeper insight into their psyche.
Into the things they needed, and how they needed them.
“Is there a warning in that question?”
“No.” Erika clucked her tongue. “Just an observation.”
“You’re not the only one good at those.”
“True.” She chuckled. I imagined she was shaking her head, too. “I’ll see you on Saturday, Tony.”
“Yeah.” I closed my eyes. I’d warned Jaime they had to tell me if we were moving too fast. Maybe I should’ve heeded that advice for myself first. Dread filled my gut. “Wait.”
“What’s wrong?”
Erika didn’t hesitate.
I breathed out. Maybe having an inner circle of people who actually gave a damn had its advantages.
My whole life, I hadn’t had a lot of equals to talk things through.
When I’d lived at my parents, it was their friends, their friends’ kids, and my brother. They weren’t safe . It wasn’t because I was bi or gay or whatever. I was a late bloomer in that regard—I was a late bloomer in many regards outside of academic fields. The love in that place had been conditional to the image we’d portrayed. It was a gilded cage, a prison of their own doing. One where all who were in the prison made sure everyone abided by the rules.
When I’d started working at the university? It was another cage. This one wasn’t so focused on keeping up appearances, but it wasn’t much better. Everyone watched everyone with a hawk eye. Everyone talked about others behind their backs, waiting for them to fall, for the opportunity to get invited to the next fancy conference or be considered for tenure.
I was respected within the walls of the university, just as I’d been respected within the walls of my family home. But by then, I’d already learned respect meant nothing.
Then I’d met Erika and Mónica in a forum about BDSM, and they’d roped me into founding Plumas. I’d gotten into BDSM back before it was acceptable to. The thing about a house that was a gilded cage? The controls were enforced outward. Internet restrictions—or anything else that happened behind closed doors—were of no concern to my parents.
I’d wondered about my interest in kink, in the way I played and the deference I demanded. I should run away from that facade of respect like I did in every other area.
It felt different when it came from a sub’s mouth. The respect didn’t come with asphyxiating ties. It didn’t come with expectations I hadn’t agreed to, and it wasn’t a means to an unknown end or a tool to manipulate.
It was freeing, but I’d never known what to do with that respect outside of the very well-defined limits of a scene. I’d never known how to use it with people who weren’t subs, and I’d never had an interest in complicating my dynamic with them. The more layers added, the messier things became. More gaps for feelings and motives to seep through—motives that might take me back to square one, to the asphyxiation I’d run away from.
These were musings that had kept me up at night more than once. I’d never thought I’d share them with someone else.
Dumping all my shit onto someone’s shoulders was a new experience.
I wasn’t a fan, but maybe I could be. Down the line.
“We all have our shit with control, and limits, and power,” Erika said after a beat of silence. “It’s about what we do with it, and what we turn it into.”
“Right.”
It was part of the spiel she gave newbies at the club. I’d listened to it a few times.
“Start taking advantage of the community you’re still a part of, Tony.”
She ended the call before I could utter a word.
I stared at the screen until it died down. Talking took more of a toll than I’d expected.