30. Laurel
Laurel
FOR YEARS I’D dreaded this exact moment right here. Where the only two men I’d ever loved in my life found out what a fraud I was.
I’d always known it would come. The day when anger, hurt, and confusion stared me down. But I’d never quite prepared myself for the pain that would follow, the pain I felt now watching Noah back away from me, his walls rising as he studied me as though he’d never seen me before in his life.
My heart ached and my stomach churned, but I fought the urge to go after him and explain. There was someone more pressing than Noah in my life these days, and he was whom I needed to see to first.
I turned back to the window and noticed that Jake was no longer with Ryan. Damn it. So I pulled open the sliding door and made my way across the back deck.
I really needed to talk to Jake. The way we’d left things last night, the way he’d left period , was not going to work for me. I’d always had an open line of communication with him, and that wasn’t about to stop now just because this particular topic wouldn’t shine well on me.
Jake had a right to know the answers to the questions he was finally asking, and I needed to be brave enough to tell him the truth, no matter the consequences. This was no longer about me or my feelings, it was about his, and I wasn’t about to let another second pass without talking to him.
“Hey, Ryan?” I called out, not wanting to startle him where he was bent over the fence he was fixing.
He straightened up and shaded his eyes, looking in my direction. “Oh, hey, Laurel. What’s up? You leaving for the day?”
I glanced over his shoulder to see if I could spot Jake, but when I came up blank, I shook my head. “No, actually, I’m trying to find Jake. I thought I saw him out here with you.”
Ryan nodded as he dusted off his hands. “You did. He was helping me for a bit, but, uh…”
It was unlike Ryan to beat around the bush, but suddenly he looked uncomfortable.
“But what?”
He sighed. “He has a bit of an attitude today. Was being kind of rude and—”
“Surly?”
“Yeah. Not like him at all. I told him to go and walk it off.”
I rubbed at my forehead. This wasn’t good. Jake was never rude, especially to Ryan. He’d always looked up to Ryan, and this showed just how in his head he was.
“I’m sorry. He’s dealing with something right now, and I know that’s no excuse, but he’s going to feel horrible later for treating you like that.”
Ryan chuckled. “Hey, it’s no problem. He’s a teenager, and let’s be real, Jake’s more responsible than half the men I have around here. Maybe that’s why it was such a shock. He’s allowed to have an off day.”
Off was definitely one way to put it. Angry, betrayed, and disappointed was another. “Do you have any idea where he might’ve gone?”
“He was heading in the direction of the old cabin. That’s where I like to go to clear my head.”
“Okay, thanks. And again, sorry about all this.”
“Laurel, it’s fine, really.”
It wasn’t, but since I wasn’t about to lay all my problems at Ryan’s feet, I turned and headed off in the direction of the cabin. I opened the gate to the west vineyard and made my way down one of the long rows of vines.
It was a beautiful afternoon, which seemed ironic considering the mood I was carrying with me, and as my heels sank into the dirt beneath my feet, it occurred to me that this probably wasn’t the best idea I’d ever had.
I wasn’t about to let a little mud get in my way, though. I needed to talk to Jake and I needed to do it now. When I reached the bottom of the west hill, I saw him disappear inside the broken-down structure.
I took a deep breath of the clean, fresh air then huffed it up the hill to the very top. When I reached what would’ve once been a front door, I stepped over a broken plank of wood and stopped to look around.
It’d been years since I’d been up here, as it wasn’t really part of anything winery related. But as I scanned what was left of the dilapidated pile of wood, I knew it wouldn’t be long before the rest of the framing fell to the ground.
Hopefully, that wouldn’t happen today. Or at least not until I’d found Jake and the two of us were safely outside—away from potential falling hazards.
I tiptoed precariously across what was left of the floor, and as I made my way around what I presumed was a corner, I spotted him. Jake was sitting over on an old built-in window frame. As I moved closer, the click of my heels alerted him to my presence.
He glanced over his shoulder, and instead of the welcoming smile he’d usually aim my way, his face remained impassive as he went back to staring at the rows of vines below.
I took a fortifying breath and made myself put one foot in front of the other, and when one of the floorboards cracked and I stumbled forward, Jake whirled around automatically to catch me.
Well, on the plus side, he still cared whether I broke my neck.
“Thanks.” I squeezed his forearm, and Jake shook his head.
“You shouldn’t have come up here in those shoes. It’s not safe.”
He was right: my heels weren’t exactly the smartest footwear for trekking up a hill and traipsing through a pile of rotting wood, but I would’ve crawled up here if I’d had to.
“I wanted to talk to you.”
When Jake was satisfied I wasn’t about to fall over, he turned back to his original position. “Well, I don’t really want to talk to you.”
Those words from him cut deep, and while I knew it was my fault he was feeling this way, I was determined to get through to him.
I took a seat on the window beside him, and as we stared out into the vast valley ahead, I clasped my hands in my lap and waited. This was his show, his timetable, and if I had to wait five minutes, five hours, five days or years, I would wait.
As it turned out, five seconds seemed about all he needed.
“Were you ever going to tell me?”
There was no question as to what he was referring to. I nodded. “I was. I just… I was trying to work out how and when it would be right for you. For him… I…I never expected to see him again. Not that that’s any excuse, but there’s a lot more to this than—”
“The golden boy who just rolled into town being my dad ?” Jake shot to his feet and began to pace back and forth.
Then he stopped and glared down at me. “Or maybe the fact that I’ve worked for my uncle for the past two years and didn’t know?
” He shook his head. “Well, at least I know why Harry used to treat me like a fucking pariah now.”
I didn’t bother calling him out on his language, considering the gravity of the issues at hand. He was angry and had every right to be. I got to my feet and reached for him, but Jake took a step away.
“Don’t,” he said, turning his back on me, and the rejection was as good as a slap.
I wrapped an arm around my waist and fought back the tears that threatened. “I should’ve told you.” My voice was soft, barely above a whisper. But it was all I could manage for now. “I should’ve told you the minute he got here. Before he got here, but—”
“But what, Mom?” Jake said as he turned to face me again. “What could possibly have stopped you from telling me about him?”
“Harry.” I spat the word out as though it were dirty. “Harry stopped me…for years. But then he died, and before I could even wrap my head around being able to explain all of this to you, Noah was here, and—”
“What do you mean, Harry? What’s he got to do with this?”
This was it: the moment when Jake would finally realize how much of a coward his mother really was. And the reality of being anything other than the person he loved and trusted above all others made me sick.
“Mom?”
“Sorry,” I said, and took in a gulp of air. “I…I was very young when I got pregnant with you.”
“Yeah, I worked that out when I was thirteen, and we’ve already discussed it. What’s that got to do with Harry?”
“Well…” I straightened my shoulders and looked Jake in the eye. “The day after our high school graduation, Harry sent Noah away.”
Jake frowned. “ Sent him?”
“Yes. To a university in Europe. Noah had no idea he was leaving, and by the time I did, he was already gone. I was given no contact information, had no idea where he was…” I pushed through the torment that accompanied those words and took a step closer to Jake.
“And a month later, I found out I was pregnant with you.”
Jake crossed his arms, his jaw clenching as he processed all I was saying.
“To say I was shocked would be an understatement. I’d only ever been with Noah that one night, graduation, and then I wound up pregnant.”
“How inconvenient for you.”
“No…” I shook my head and took his hand in mine, and this time I made sure I had a firm grip. “You were never an inconvenience. Not ever. You were my purpose. My reason to be alive and happy at a time when everything felt so…hopeless. You remember me telling you that my mom was sick, right?”
Jake’s lips remained tight as he gave a clipped nod.
“It was right around the same time I found out you were coming into our lives. I was scared and excited but at the same time sick with worry about my mom. But I knew I needed to tell Noah somehow that he was going to be a father.”
I swallowed and looked off over Jake’s shoulder to the picturesque scene below. It was amazing how such a beautiful place could harbor such ugly secrets. I’d struck a deal here seventeen years ago, and today it was finally going to come to light.
“I came here, to the winery, to see if Harry would give me any information on Noah. I knew it was a long shot—Harry had made it clear that I wasn’t what he had planned for his son, and that didn’t change when I finally met him face to face.”
“Fuck Harry,” Jake said, and his cheeks flamed with agitation.
“He wasn’t a very good man, I agree.”
“That’s putting it nicely.”
“Yes. It is.” I angled my face up so I was looking Jake in the eye, knowing that what I had to say next was going to hurt the most.
“But when I went to see him, I told him about you. I told him that I wanted Noah to know. But Harry wouldn’t hear of it.”
My eyes blurred as I continued to stare into Jake’s unwavering gaze.
“He wouldn’t budge, not even an inch. But I was determined to find Noah and tell him myself.
Harry knew that, though, and wasn’t about to let it happen.
He wanted Noah to be free of all burdens so he could one day run the family business with a perfect little wife by his side.
So he offered me the one thing he knew I couldn’t refuse to make sure that all happened… ”
“He offered to help your mom.”
“Yes.” The word left me on a gasp, and I brought a hand up to cover my mouth as I nodded.
“He promised to take care of her. That she would get the best care and he’d take care of all her bills.
And we were poor, Jake. We lived day by day the best we could, so the promise of her health? An extra day or month to live?”
I squeezed my eyes shut as the overwhelming guilt and sorrow filled me.
“You had no choice.” Jake brushed a tear away from my cheek, and the understanding in his too-wise-for-his-age eyes was more than I deserved. “And we were the sacrifice. Me. Noah. You?”
My shoulders shuddered as I tried to swallow back the tears re-forming. “Yes. I promised not to tell anyone who your father was, not even you, in exchange for her.”
Jake bit the inside of his cheek as his eyes became damp, then he pulled me into his arms and held on tight. I could feel his shoulders shake, then he rested his chin on my head. I waited to see if he wanted to say anything else.
Several minutes passed, and I couldn’t quite get a read on him, but when he finally did speak, his words shocked me.
“I would’ve done the same thing.”
I pulled back a little and looked up at him, confused.
“If you had been sick and that was the only way to help you. I would’ve done the same thing.”
I cupped his cheeks and shook my head. “I’m so sorry.”
“I know.”
“I should’ve done something else, anything else.”
“Like what?”
“I don’t know.” I worried my lower lip and then took a step back. “Do you have any questions for me? Anything you want to ask?”
Jake slipped his hands into his pockets, and for the first time in as long as I could remember, I allowed myself to see the resemblance to his father.
Blond like me, Jake had inherited my fair complexion and coloring.
But his dark eyes and several distinct mannerisms were all Noah— if you were looking for it.
“About a million things,” he said. “But only one right now.”
“What’s that?”
“Are you going to tell him?”
I’d known that was coming, but I still wasn’t prepared for the way it made me feel. My heart began to thump and my hands turned clammy. “I think I probably should, don’t you?”
Jake shrugged, trying to appear unaffected. But his twitching jaw told me otherwise. “Probably.”
“Okay. Anything else?”
Jake eyed me, then said, “Do you still love him?”
Words failed me as I stared into his eyes, because for the first time since Noah’s return, I allowed myself to acknowledge the fact that I’d never stopped loving him. But instead of pushing me, Jake offered me his hand.
“Why don’t you let me help you down this hill? The last thing I need is you crying over a broken set of heels and spending my college money on their replacements.”
I’d never loved my kid more than I did in that moment. For his grace under pressure, his understanding of the hard emotions, and his ability to forgive when many would not. I knew he was likely just as scared as I was about the future, but as long as we faced it together, I knew we would be okay.